ultimatum

[eleanorhurting]

How long do you want to hear "I love you?"

 

my boyfriend of 5 months (dating since March, official in May) said he loved me a while back while he was drunk and then recently told me that he does not really know what love is. When he said it drunk, I questioned him about it and he said "drunk people do not lie".

 

He had not said it sober but I just thought it was difficult for him to say it and he told me that he has never told anyone that he loves them.

 

So it kind of came as a shock when he basically denied it today by saying he does not know what love is and that he is a "long-term commitment phobe".

The whole conversation started today because I had been feeling a little sad about something he said last week. I was feeling stressed about applying for residencies and I said: "promise me that you are going to be there for me" and he said " I can't promise you anything. I am a man of my word and for me promising that I am going to be there for you is like putting a ring on it. I am not going to promise anything I can't keep".

 

I guess that is understandable but the whole "i dont know what love is " thing really through me off.

 

I told him that for me it is very important to be with someone who loves me and that i feel that if by May (our 1 year anniverary) if he does not know if he loves me then he is just wasting my time. I seriously think that 1 year is enough for you to know if you love someone and if you don't then you just wont.

 

He obviously did not appreciate this and starting saying that I am a drama queen and that this whole argument was not helping him like me more yada yada usual manipulative crap so that I will never speak up when im upset (I hadn't in over a month by the way).

 

Was that too harsh?

 

I'm pretty hurt to be honest I was actually planning the perfect moment to tell him that I love him sober in person so he would say it back. I guess that plan won't be happening soon.

[kaylan]

If someone tells you they are a commitment phobe, especially when they are already with you, its time to bail...because something bad is a brewin' honey.

 

The fact that you even needed to give him a time limit on love is the beginning of the collective death knell of this relationship. Just end it now. If he doesnt already feel himself falling for you, and if he can take back words of love, then he wont be coming around in my opinion.

 

Its one thing to take time to be sure of your feelings. Its another thing to take back feelings youve expressed, while also telling your girl you dont have her back for sure, and also telling her you dont do well with commitment AFTER she is with you.

 

You tell someone crap like that before they are with you. So they can make an informed decision about whether you are worth the risk. Dump him now and find someone whos more emotionally mature and ready for a relationship.

Edited October 6, 2012 by kaylan

[Anela]

I thought of this post when I saw this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/350406-one-year-annivesary-gloat - and then I saw that you'd responded there. You deserve that, too. ♥

[kaylan]

PS - This is just me, but I usually know if I love a girl within a few months of us being committed. I can understand holding back on saying it first because of insecurity...but I generally know how I feel much sooner than Ill say how I feel. Im thinking this guy is just enjoying himself in a comfy relationship for the time being and sees no future with you, nor does he feel strong for you (and chances are slim he ever will).

[Anela]

PS - This is just me, but I usually know if I love a girl within a few months of us being committed. I can understand holding back on saying it first because of insecurity...but I generally know how I feel much sooner than Ill say how I feel. Im thinking this guy is just enjoying himself in a comfy relationship for the time being and sees no future with you, nor does he feel strong for you (and chances are slim he ever will).

 

I was thinking of a guy who dumped a girl I know - because he said that if he was falling for her, then he would have done it within those first few months. He was a good guy in that he didn't string her along, and she's now with a guy who not only has told her that he loves her, but they're talking about moving in together (it's been about a year for them).

[kaylan]

And lastly,

 

The thing with me is, I have so much love to give and I know I can treat a girl amazingly...which is why I wont commit unless I see a legit future with a girl. Im not going to waste her or my time. And tbh, with both of my exes, even before I fell in love, I knew I had the capacity to love them. I knew from the way we connected that itd happen in the future if things went well. Which is why I dont get in relationships unless I know I can feel that for a girl.

 

I dont play relationships by ear. I commit when I know for sure something strong will come from it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm sorry, my dear … but I am really not liking the way your boyfriend is responding to you.

 

It seems like you are much more emotionally invested than he is. And, as I've told you before, it troubles me how he's made it pretty difficult for the two of you to get anything out on the table and figured out because any time you have a need to do that, he pulls the "you're a drama queen" thing.

 

I don't know ...

[mesmerized]

Actually I see his point too. Asking for a "promise" after a few months is kind of a drama queen thing to do tbh. But also, I don't think he likes and wants you that much either. In another post you said something about him being overweight. Maybe he is with you because he can get sex and love easier than he would have single and is not really invested in you.

[Million.to.1]

Having been through a very similar thing, all I can say, is Run.

[Silly_Girl]

Having been with his sort, and NOT his sort, I think you'd be doing yourself no favours to continue putting in to this. I think he's cruising and will bail sooner or later, and you'd be best off cutting your losses. Sorry

[Ninjainpajamas]

Never heard of a man taking 5 months to figure out he loves a woman, nor a year or any other lengthy time process...men know pretty soon on, If they say otherwise I'd bet large amounts of money they'd be lying, I just wouldn't ever believe it...I can't explain it to myself that's for sure.

 

I see the commitment phone thing as a buffer, a way to push you away from investing deeper emotion into the relationship. He already knows where the limit is and he intends on keeping it that way, If a man ever stays in a relationship and flips a switch like it's some magic lever that needs to be pushed like "oh ok, I do love her after all!" I'd absolutely claim that man was settling on rationality rather than emotion.

 

Additionally how do people stay in a relationship without saying I love you? seems extremely odd for me, I just can't imagine it...I'd consider myself a romantic, maybe even a love fool but man, If it took me that long to say it then I'm not really feeling it from the get go, or that is not what I am interested in with you for some consequential reason like being in love with an ex or something like that.

 

It's really saddening to hear that you'd be worried about expressing your emotions and feelings towards someone because you're worried they won't feel the same. I really get a pit in chest feeling just imagining that, not sure If I could deal with it.

 

Anyway...he's going to keep deflecting the conversation and calling you a drama queen because he doesn't want to have to explain his emotions, he wants to keep you in the dark and just hopeful because this for now it just fine for him....it does the job, and he doesn't need anything else as his eggs aren't all in this basket. So every time you bring up this conversation, to him it's like you starting trouble and he'll become defensive and change his strategy to offense to take the pressure off on himself and make you feel like a crazy person or unreasonable...he'll do whatever he can to rationalize it so you get back in line where you're supposed to be.

 

Personally for myself, when it comes to love...I'll be honest, it happens fairly quickly If I'm feeling it...within a few months or so. I love being in that highly emotional, passionate, engrossing state with someone I'm crazy about.

 

The bright side to your situation is he's not just telling you what you want to hear like some guys would do just to keep you quiet in the meantime. Only thing is since he's not that sympathetic or empathetic to this conversation, it does raise questions to how he much even really cares about you as a person...as he doesn't seem to mind stringing you along.

 

I think the real reason he doesn't say it unfortunately is so It's easier to peel away when that time comes, and he can't be made out to feel guilty about it....likely experience from the past has taught him that lesson. He's worried about saving his own skin, not yours.

[oaks]

So it kind of came as a shock when he basically denied it today by saying he does not know what love is and that he is a "long-term commitment phobe".

 

I'm not trying to put words in his mouth, but is he really saying that he doesn't want a long-term relationship (with you)? Or that he's only interested in a short-term relationship at the moment?

 

I don't think you should wait until May to resolve this... but give him some time to think through the conversation and then have another talk with him in a week or so.

 

I don't think that putting your foot down about something you want (but he doesn't) necessarily makes you a drama queen, btw.

[EasyHeart]

I'm confused. Aren't you moving thousands of miles away soon for your residency? Do you think that might be a big factor in a guy not wanting to make a long-term commitment? I'm not sure why either of you would/should be looking for anything long-term at this point in your lives.

[Janesays]

If he doesn't love you by now, he'll never love you. Ever. So walk away with your pride intact and find someone who will.

[oldshirt]

 

.

 

I told him that for me it is very important to be with someone who loves me and that i feel that if by May (our 1 year anniverary) if he does not know if he loves me then he is just wasting my time. I seriously think that 1 year is enough for you to know if you love someone and if you don't then you just wont.

 

 

 

 

If we are talking about adults and not 16 year olds, then I agree with you and think people are perfectly within their right to walk away.

 

Dating is an interview, tryout and probationary period to spend time with someone to get to know them well enough to determine if that is the person that you want to get legally committed to (ie marriage) and raise children with.

 

If that interview and probationary period yields a 'yes' answer then you move forward. If it yields a 'no' answer then there is no commitment on either party and you part ways and move on to find someone that is a match.

 

For adults one year of steady dating is a reasonable time to determine if that is the person you want to be with or not. if either party is not wanting or not willing to move forward then it is a perfectly valid reason to end the interview and probationary period.

[oldshirt]

The real catch with ultimatums is it has to be a hard boundry and you have to be informing someone of that hard boundry so that they can make an informed decision based on where you actually stand. It has to be about YOUR boundries and what YOUR ACTIONS will be.

 

It can NOT be a tactic to influence someone else's actions.

 

In other words it is about you and your boundries and informing them of what your course of action with be and not something that you do or say to try to get them to take a certain course of action. It has to be about YOU.

 

Otherwise if it is something that you are saying to try to get him to do something it IS manipulation.

 

Do you see the difference??? it's very important.

[oldshirt]

.

 

So it kind of came as a shock when he basically denied it today by saying he does not know what love is and that he is a "long-term commitment phobe".

 

.

 

 

 

.

 

"When people show you what hey are, believe them."

- Maya DeAngelo

 

 

What do you think he would do if you told him you were a sexaphobe and weren't sure if you would ever be able to have sex with him??? If you had sex once when you were skunk drunk and then tried to play it off on the alcohol and say that you weren't sure if you would ever want to be sexual while you were sober and of your own free will, what do you think he would do?

[xxoo]

I seriously think that 1 year is enough for you to know if you love someone and if you don't then you just wont.

 

Agreed.

 

He obviously did not appreciate this and starting saying that I am a drama queen and that this whole argument was not helping him like me more yada yada usual manipulative crap so that I will never speak up when im upset (I hadn't in over a month by the way).

 

Manipulative crap--agreed.

 

Are you trying to manipulate him into committing, or trying to figure out how he feels and if you are a good match?

 

It sounds to me like the latter, and the answer is no.

[oldshirt]

 

So it kind of came as a shock when he basically denied it today by saying he does not know what love is and that he is a "long-term commitment phobe".

 

 

 

 

 

There are a number of people in the world that really aren't cut out for long term commitments. Most of them have lengthy track records of either being players or they do date people for a year or two and then it ends and they are dating someone else for a year or two and so on and so on for the rest of their lives.

 

Many of those people are pretty self-aware about it by the time they are in their upper 20s and are usually up front about it. Most of them never use words like "commitment phobe" or "fear" or anything like that though. they don't fear it per se, it just doesn't work for them.

 

A harsh reality is the people that say they "fear" commitment usually mean they are afraid of committing to you.

 

I speak from experience as I have used the "commitment phobe line a few times myself and ended up happily married a couple years later.......to someone else:eek:

 

I'm not saying he doesn't like, respect, admire, appreciate and enjoy you. It's just the chances are good that way deep down in his soul you are not

"the one."

 

A year of steady dating is plenty of time to know if someone is "the one" yet or not.

 

It's one thing to be in school or have some kind of professional or living situations that make getting married and baring offspring not practical at the moment, but a year is plenty of time to know if someone is "the one" and the one worth being upfront and honest about your true feelings and making long term plans and commitments.

 

If someone says they "don't know" or that they are "afraid" of commitment after dating steadily for a year then they are just keeping you as a place holder and someone to keep their prostate drained untill the right one comes along.

 

I don't want to be harsh or sound mean but I want to be clear and without any ambiguity.

 

If you want a meaningfull and healthy relationship that is leading to long term commitment and marriage, you have some red flags here and some things that need to be addressed before you invest much more time and emotional energy into this.

 

5 months can still be a reasonable "don't know" time period but I would have concerns with someone that plays the "commitment phobe" card and can only talk about feelings and potential futures when drunk.

 

A year is a reasonable boundry, but that is still a ways away. Only you can tell if you believe that another 7 months is a reasonable investment or not.

[eleanorhurting]

Thank you everyone for your answers and for confirming what I already knew that this relationship is only good for right now and not really something I can count on for long term.

 

I appreciate your answers