How can I suggest ways to make our LDR work better?

[unemomentobebe]

Hi, all. I've been driving myself up a wall lately, trying to look past certain things that bother me with my current ldr. I live in Texas & my partner is in Virginia. We have met before in person, but at the time we didn't 'know' each other. Luckily, we met again through a mutual friend on facebook.

 

Every now and then we'd message each other & have a good laugh about a few things. He actually leaned on me for advice when he tried to date our mutual friend. Oddly enough, while she was ignoring him & mistreating him, this is when I started to develop a crush on him. A few months went by & our talking had slowed down. She had no idea I was crushing on him when she would IM me and complain about him talking to her. I could tell that things weren't getting any better with them & if I wanted to have my chance at it, the time was now (then).

 

We started talking again like we had never stopped. He was charming & a true gentleman, as much as one guy can be from so far away. We skyped a few times & he'd text me before I went to sleep. Finally, one night while we were talking, he told me about how much he wanted a real relationship & I told him my desires for one as well & it spun off well from there. Although he's never been in a long-distance relationship before, he seemed eager to put forth the effort.

 

Now, we've been together for almost a month & he's my sweetheart, but I have been feeling neglected. I don't think it's on purpose, I just believe (from what he told me) that it's because of our old mutual friend that he is afraid of being clingy. Once we started our relationship, he texts me less, he calls me once a day.. sometimes.. and the conversations only last half an hour. I've been in a few LDRs and this is something that drives me crazy.

 

I was trying to think of new things to suggest to him or different ways to encourage him to be more comfortable communicating with me more. Any suggestions? I know that if I go about it the wrong way, it'll hurt his feelings, so I'd like to have as many opinions as possible to come up with a solution.

 

Also, do you think some people are just bad at long-distance relationships?

Edited October 6, 2012 by unemomentobebe

[justwhoiam]

I've been in a few LDRs and this is something that drives me crazy.

How old are you both if I may ask?

Any suggestions?

I didn't understand. Did you talk to him more/more often when not in a relationship? If so, ask him why. Probably he was on holiday?

 

Also, do you think some people are just bad at long-distance relationships?

Yes, but they can make an effort.

[unemomentobebe]

I talked to him more when we were just friends & we're both 20.

[amayana]

Hello there! Hmm, I don't think anyone can be "bad" at a relationship, or a long distance relationship. Have you ever told him that you desire more attention from him? That would be a good start. And why "try to look past things that bother you"? If you don't voice your dissatisfactions early enough, you're steering your relationship straight into an abyss.

To me it seems as if the whole "contact-matter" isn't entirely clear in your LDR, correct me if I'm wrong! I believe that is something which always needs to be discussed because not everyone feels and thinks the same. He might be perfectly fine with just talking to you a couple of times a week. You, on the other hand, need more to feel connected to him. Telling your partner is really important. You need to communicate - honestly, truthfully - especially when you're in a LDR. I assume you know that quite well since it's not your first LDR but he might not. Just like you said he might not know how to handle it. In order to find out you should ask him. He knows best!

Edited October 6, 2012 by amayana

[gamman]

I don't know if this applies here, but unfortunately, some people like the hunt more than they like the catch.

 

Perhaps, a LDR was just not what he thought it was going to be? It's not anyone's fault, but just with the very nature of LDR, sometimes it's hard to have your needs met in them. LDR really aren't for everyone.

 

Are you able to open up to him about this and tell him exactly how you feel? Do you think he would be able to open up and be completely honest back?

[The dot]

Now, we've been together for almost a month & he's my sweetheart, but I have been feeling neglected. I don't think it's on purpose, I just believe (from what he told me) that it's because of our old mutual friend that he is afraid of being clingy. Once we started our relationship, he texts me less, he calls me once a day.. sometimes.. and the conversations only last half an hour. I've been in a few LDRs and this is something that drives me crazy.

 

<snip>

 

Also, do you think some people are just bad at long-distance relationships?

 

I think Long-distance relationships are just a bad idea generally, and your post shows why. People who get into relationships have needs, and now the other person isn't there to satisfy those needs. Eventually, the needy person will usually end up looking for other ways to get their needs met, and since the gf/bf is hundreds of miles away, they'll never know.

 

Your best option is simply stop wasting your time and hook up with someone closer to you.

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi, all. I've been driving myself up a wall lately, trying to look past certain things that bother me with my current ldr. I live in Texas & my partner is in Virginia. We have met before in person, but at the time we didn't 'know' each other. Luckily, we met again through a mutual friend on facebook.

 

Every now and then we'd message each other & have a good laugh about a few things. He actually leaned on me for advice when he tried to date our mutual friend. Oddly enough, while she was ignoring him & mistreating him, this is when I started to develop a crush on him. A few months went by & our talking had slowed down. She had no idea I was crushing on him when she would IM me and complain about him talking to her. I could tell that things weren't getting any better with them & if I wanted to have my chance at it, the time was now (then).

 

We started talking again like we had never stopped. He was charming & a true gentleman, as much as one guy can be from so far away. We skyped a few times & he'd text me before I went to sleep. Finally, one night while we were talking, he told me about how much he wanted a real relationship & I told him my desires for one as well & it spun off well from there. Although he's never been in a long-distance relationship before, he seemed eager to put forth the effort.

 

Now, we've been together for almost a month & he's my sweetheart, but I have been feeling neglected. I don't think it's on purpose, I just believe (from what he told me) that it's because of our old mutual friend that he is afraid of being clingy. Once we started our relationship, he texts me less, he calls me once a day.. sometimes.. and the conversations only last half an hour. I've been in a few LDRs and this is something that drives me crazy.

 

I was trying to think of new things to suggest to him or different ways to encourage him to be more comfortable communicating with me more. Any suggestions? I know that if I go about it the wrong way, it'll hurt his feelings, so I'd like to have as many opinions as possible to come up with a solution.

 

Also, do you think some people are just bad at long-distance relationships?

Maybe you two talked more in the past, but I really think your expectations are too high. He calls you every day, and you guys talk for 30 minutes, and you are complaining? Seriously? My ex only called me once a week, and that only because he felt pressured. And even so, I did not expect him to call me every day. That's a bit too much. I expected him to WANT to call me. That is all. I don't think it's the quantity that matters as much as the need/desire/effort. The fact that he doesn't call you three times a day does not mean he does not like you anymore, or as much, IMO. Unless of course he starts not calling you more than once a week. In which case, I'd say there is a problem..

[amayana]

I think Long-distance relationships are just a bad idea generally, and your post shows why. People who get into relationships have needs, and now the other person isn't there to satisfy those needs. Eventually, the needy person will usually end up looking for other ways to get their needs met, and since the gf/bf is hundreds of miles away, they'll never know.

 

Your best option is simply stop wasting your time and hook up with someone closer to you.

 

Hm, I wasn't sure if I should reply to you Dot or just let it be, since it might be slightly OT. I decided to give it a go. I feel like I need to get it off my chest. Hope you don't mind.

 

I agree and disagree with what you're saying. I disagree with your generalising. Generalisations are always a very delicate affair and often come close to narrow-mindedness. I'm aware that it's hard not to fall into generalisations, however, I strongly believe that every relationship, whether it is LD or not, should be looked at individually. There are at least as many views as there are people in this world, so it is wrong to assume that "people in general" will act the same in a LDR. I see that there is a recurrent pattern of failure with LDRs but isn't that also true for any other relationship? I agree when you say that we all have needs and that it's harder to fulfil your partner's (physical) needs when you're in a LD relationship. And some people will think it is unbearable, simply because that's not the way they roll. That's perfectly fine. Yet, there are others who might be OK with it even though it's not an ideal situation.

 

What I'm saying is that the OPs BF might be someone who won't be able to cope with the distance, hence will seek to find satisfaction elsewhere. Or he might just be someone who doesn't need as much communication as the OP for instance does. I'm certain there are hundreds and hundreds of other possible explanations. All of that can ultimately be cleared up by looking into oneself, talking to each other, putting forth what one feels and thinks. It's as simple as that & safer than generalising or assuming things. LDRs do require more proactiveness than other relationships.

Edited October 7, 2012 by amayana