Love letter from exMM

[2sunny]

I think I'd consider forwarding to his wife - that ought to take care of him for a while.

 

She deserves to know he's still begging you when he's SUPPOSED to be focused only on his marriage!

 

Terrible

[veryhappy]

2sunny, I'm not going to defend him by any means and enumerate the good I saw in him. It was indeed very unbalanced, and this is I suppose a summary of how it's worked. I was the one caring for him most of the time - and it was very much surrogate therapy until he went to real therapy, but that was well after I was drained. Well, he's free to work on his marriage without me taking his energy away, and his W can meet all those needs.

[veryhappy]

I think I'd consider forwarding to his wife - that ought to take care of him for a while.

 

She deserves to know he's still begging you when he's SUPPOSED to be focused only on his marriage!

 

Terrible

 

I was considering that, but I'm just out of the drama. That would put me right back into it.

 

She was also in deep denial for the longest time (until he was serious about divorce and after), so there was a strong sense that both of them are happy faking it, so they can keep their comfort. Why would I make them face the truth, when it looks like both of them do not want that?

 

To clarify - the W doesn't know about the A. Considering how hurt I've been, I'm selfish right now, and do not want to be the scapegoat to send them in hysterical sex and bonding. He's free to tell her, and they're free to repair their marriage. I'd rather stay out of it - it just makes more sense as far as I'm concerned.

Edited October 6, 2012 by cutedragon

[AnotherRound]

CD... ugh, I'm sorry. That letter is so freakin' disappointing. And, I agree with you about his writing style. It's like he is giving just enough to reel you in, but if it ever came down to it - he could literally say, "I never said that!".

 

I know you're pissed right now, and I say use that anger to propel you forward. As far as sending anything to the wife - I wouldn't. I felt exactly the same as you about exMM and his marriage - if they want to continue their denial on their crazy train, more power to them - it's not your problem anymore. When I got to that point, I was just done as my disgust for the whole situation was stronger than anything else I felt.

 

I hope that you don't reply to him, simply bc I don't think he deserves a second of your time or attention at this point. Keep us updated as I'm sure he will keep fishing - and it will continue to be disappointing....

[ComingInHot]

Cutedragon:

 

He hasn't said anything you don't already know or could figure out by his actions.

 

When he emails you something you don't know then COME TO LS FIRST to get input after that you may consider doing something different. Like an email stating "filed for D" or "D to final on ____________date" but make sure you See the paperwork FIRST.

 

Overall, it appears you are realizing this is NOT the man you thought & should you be able to actually leave your marriage first, decide that regardless of WH's sitch there is something/one better out there for you*

 

Either way, I think you are doing a bang up job by keeping NC.

[underwater2010]

Are you ready to fall hook, line and sinker again? He is dangling a lure for you it is just that simple. He has already proven that he is not leaving his wife, can you settle on just being the OW? What a POS. I am so glad you are pissed and not running back. If you are truly done, I would forward the email to his wife. Also, does your husband know?

[underwater2010]

Okay it been clarified...your husband and his wife have no clue. Or a partial clue. By the way that is very typical, admit your hand was in the cookie jar, but not the detail of how it got there and how many cookies you had. I am glad you are done, but very disappointed that you and your AP are taking the easy way out.

 

The point of forwarding the email to his BW is so he will stop bothering you. Every time he sends this crap, it is a step backward. Awe he is thinking about me and awe he loves me. I takes a very strong person to ignore all of that. Are you stong enough?

 

Also, quit using your husband. You have already betrayed him. You do not respect him nor do you seem to love him. Why hold on to him? Why not grab your independence by the dragon's tail and find happiness?

[2sunny]

Real love doesn't suck the energy and life out of you - real love lifts you up higher than you thought possible. Real love makes you believe you are a better person than you were without that person - it doesn't drag you down like this letter tends to illuminate.

 

He's promising less than before and hoping you'll take the bait out of desperation.

[underwater2010]

LFH -

We aren't stupid just because we are OW/OM.

 

I have yet to locate anywhere in this post or previous posts where I have said that an OW/OM is stupid. I do not mean to imply that they are stupid. I am simply stating my opinion, which you seem not to like. Just as I do not always agree with your posts.

 

When it's posted over and over and over all over the forum, the implication is that you think we are. Here is a poster that is saying "Oh my god, I can't believe he's such an ass." Over and over she's said how this letter was a complete reminder that she's made the right choice in cutting ties, and she hasn't faltered at all in that.

 

And I do believe that I gave her credit for that. In case it was not clear enough....GREAT JOB ON WALKING AWAY AND REALIZE WHAT A POS HE TRULY IS. Was that clear enough for you?

 

I think if he DID show up with divorce papers she might feed them to him, so why the "see the paperwork first"thing? if anything that seems to be cracking open a door she just slammed shut. She's not falling hook line and sinker, she was sharing how this is doing the exact opposite.

 

Agreed. I think the other poster was just stating that if CD decideds to accept him back, she should do so only when he is able to present signed divorce papers. Again an opinion and good advice.

 

Also, the answer to everything is not to tell their spouse, nor is it to go share with hers something she doesn't want to. She'll tell her spouse when and if she thinks it's relevant and I think she's smart to stay out of it at this point.

 

I was just giving her an option. There is no way to get a MM to quit contacting the OW, like make his life a living hell at home. The way to do that is to send foward the email to the MM's BW. Of course she can block all contact from him, but it does not sound like she is ready to do that.

 

So many BS talk about how evil an OW woman is to come back into their life, CD is chosing to stay OUT of it now that she's ended it.

 

As a BS, we are asking that the OW stay out of the marriage when trying to keep the MM. Forwarding information that the WS is continuing is showing respect and consideration of the BS. It shows courage and opens a BS's eyes to what a snake their WS truly is. I would rather not spend 2 yrs hardwork on a sham marriage only to find out a WS is still up to no good. If my FWH ever contacted or sent an email of this type to his MOW I would thank her profusely for the information and then hand his ass to him, along with his suitcase.

 

Telling her to communicate with either of them at all is taking the risk that she will get sucked back into either the situation or into a lot of drama. It's a risk that I think would be pointless to take.

 

There is no drama send the crap and then block all contact.

 

It might be your opinion that that is what she should do, but in some ways it's like no matter what steps someone takes, or growth they show or willingness to look at something differently, there's always going to be a push.

 

Nobody is pushing anything, we are just stating our opinions and advice. Take it or leave it....it does not hurt my feelings at all.

 

The broken record of it sometimes negates any good points that are being made. When it isn't even the topic of discussion, it undermines your point.

 

Just something I thought should be said.

 

And thank you for your thoughts!!!

[2sunny]

Take YOUR power back - you've handed too much of it to him and what he is or isn't doing!

[MissBee]

I am fuming, which is very appropriate for a dragon,but it's on the highest setting. Short story: bla bla bla he was so sure he wanted to be with me, said he'd file, politely asked the W to divorce, turned to undecided, he's in MC. I haven't seen him in 3.5 weeks. I've been heartbroken, crying out of the blue in the fetal position on the floor.

 

This is what I get today:

 

(Real name),

 

Can we stop this nonsense?

 

I realize that I came up short with what I started out to do, and nothing much has happened since (ground-breaking), and I didn't think it possible...but I've thought about you more now since when we were consistently speaking. My fragile subconscious mind of course thinks that you're already done and beyond thinking about me, but my heart thinks this may not be totally true. I find myself obsessively looking for you all the time, even in places you've probably never been. I wake up in cold sweats thinking of you...rock hard, but it always turns to tender, affectionate thoughts...I think of your beautiful eyes, with your glasses, your smile, how you look at me quickly when you're driving...all these things and many more.

 

I've wanted to write to you so many times, but I've always stopped because I thought you wouldn't want to hear from me, if you weren't getting what you wanted. This may still be true, and if it is, please just ignore me, call me an *******, or whatever, but if you've been holding out simply for pride and because you think this is the easiest way to get over it, please think about reconsiderring. I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I'm really going through, which you may or may not even care about at this point.

 

 

-------

 

Is he kidding me? At least he's starting with the truth - nothing changed, but is he crazy? Is this a game to him? Oh silly me with this nonsense...I'm completely unclear about what clearer idea he has. He has this gift of writing stuff that I simply don't understand. I'd normally go back and ask questions, and be oh so all over it.

Tell me I got this right - he's expecting me to stop the nonsense and resume the affair because he wakes up with an errection? Here I was grieving over lost dreams and hopes of kids together. Life can be pretty hilarious.

 

LMAO

 

I don't mean to laugh...but that's hilarious and he is insane!

 

That email would have had me fuming too smh. Nothing has changed, he admits this, he also KNOWS you don't want to hear from him if you weren't getting your needs met...yet he's still trying to see if maybe you'd want the A again, and he's soooooooo wonderful, that although nothing has changed, you knowing about his cold sweats and erections and what "he's going through"...you will forget your desires and come relieve him.

 

He's nuts. IGNORE!

[ComingInHot]

LHF:

 

My comment was based on dragon's first AND second post where she stated if he was divorcing she might consider... possible I could have read that wrong*

 

I have NEVER EVER thought or stated an OW/OM is stupid. I actually believe quite the contrary*

 

I DO appreciate your passion & vigor as an individual

 

I meant NO harm. Just trying to comment on her sitch*

[veryhappy]

I do appreciate all comments, and if some are off/standard or people don't read all the posts, I can understand that most of the times. I know, for me, after reading and reading here, it becomes a blur. There's just a few storylines, anthe details don't matter anymore. Usernames, timeframe...it seems to be the same over and over.

 

For who said we took the easy way out. Trust me...on my side this is not the easy way out. I have been through so much pain, that I don't wish to ever repeat. For a couple of weeks I looked as of somebody died. It would be easier short term to let the wife know, or go back to having sex with him, because unfortunately that was good. It was very unnatural to walk away, when all i wanted was to spend my life with him.

 

I don't want to expand on my M. That's a whole other story where I know exactly where I stand. I would have posted on the Infidelity forum instead if that was my focus, but I'm here.

 

I'm not at the point of completely having moved on. It's too early for that. So if he came with divorce papers, I'm not sure I wouldn't consider it. However, it doesn't mean that I'm hoping or wishing or dreaming. It's very clear for me that I need to move on, because even if he'd become available it would take years. He'd need to grow up, and quite honestly, for myself, I'd hope I'd be in a place in life where he wouldn't matter anymore.

Edited October 6, 2012 by cutedragon

[Patrice]

Funny story from today after 1 1/2 years ... I got an e-mail, same old, same old - I miss you, I love you, I ache for you, I'd love to come spend a weekend with you ( he is 700 miles away) ... he's still in the marriage and I know it's their anniversary this weekend (30 years) .. I simply responded have a lovely anniversary, don't forget to send her flowers and take her out for dinner, for a change. He wrote back that I needed psychiatric help .. sorry, no going back. I think he's about to empty nest, and is fishing .. I no longer have any respect for him.

[canuckprincess]

Cutedragon, I sent you a private message.

[MissBee]

Funny story from today after 1 1/2 years ... I got an e-mail, same old, same old - I miss you, I love you, I ache for you, I'd love to come spend a weekend with you ( he is 700 miles away) ... he's still in the marriage and I know it's their anniversary this weekend (30 years) .. I simply responded have a lovely anniversary, don't forget to send her flowers and take her out for dinner, for a change. He wrote back that I needed psychiatric help .. sorry, no going back. I think he's about to empty nest, and is fishing .. I no longer have any respect for him.

 

:laugh:

 

Good one! And he has some nerve talking about you needing psychiatric help...

[Patrice]

You just wiser, the longer you are out of it .. I'm not accepting crumbs .. the nerve is right. LOL.

[veryhappy]

It's been a month, and I need encouragement, because I'm struggling. I thought I was done with the crying spells, but it hit me last night again out of the blue. I've also felt nauseous ever since things got chaotic in June, and it's well...nauseating.

 

I think I'm grieving the fantasy, and I'm so angry and dissapointed at reality. It hit me today that him saying he's given me ample time to contact him meant that I ruined his perfect plan of having me contact him, and then he could have played the "poor him" card that he can't offer much time given what's happened, but he'll generously still fit me in his life. Who is this guy?

 

I've realized I'll need to give up completely reading his emails for my own sake, and wondered what's keeping me from doing it. I'm not interested in resuming and his sweet talking me, and I think I am hoping to see some remorse and apology. How do I do without? because he's obviosluy not in a place where he gives a crap about me. What kind of thoughts should I think about him while I still think about him? What's more effective to get rid of him? Should I assume he's a happy father and husband (especially with the holidays coming up it's a bitter pill to swallow and a slap in my face)? Should I assume he's unhappy? Most of the time I want him to suffer horribly, but I just want it to not matter anymore. I want him out of my mind.

 

Just to vent about the few revenge fantasies going through my brain:

- beating him physically; would love to do that - can't do it obviously;

- sending emails to the wife on her birthday or their anniversaty - can't do that either;

- sending him messages about how and when I'm having sex - that would hurt him the most, but can't do that either because I don't want to engage him in any way.

Edited October 10, 2012 by cutedragon

[Ladydrib]

I do appreciate all comments, and if some are off/standard or people don't read all the posts, I can understand that most of the times. I know, for me, after reading and reading here, it becomes a blur. There's just a few storylines, anthe details don't matter anymore. Usernames, timeframe...it seems to be the same over and over.

 

For who said we took the easy way out. Trust me...on my side this is not the easy way out. I have been through so much pain, that I don't wish to ever repeat. For a couple of weeks I looked as of somebody died. It would be easier short term to let the wife know, or go back to having sex with him, because unfortunately that was good. It was very unnatural to walk away, when all i wanted was to spend my life with him.

 

I don't want to expand on my M. That's a whole other story where I know exactly where I stand. I would have posted on the Infidelity forum instead if that was my focus, but I'm here.

 

I'm not at the point of completely having moved on. It's too early for that. So if he came with divorce papers, I'm not sure I wouldn't consider it. However, it doesn't mean that I'm hoping or wishing or dreaming. It's very clear for me that I need to move on, because even if he'd become available it would take years. He'd need to grow up, and quite honestly, for myself, I'd hope I'd be in a place in life where he wouldn't matter anymore.

 

I completely identify with all of this. I'm so sorry you are going through the same struggles. You have amazing strength because you are doing what's best (but hardest) and you will be in a much better place as a result of your hard work and pain (and so will I)

[mercy]

Most of the time I want him to suffer horribly...

 

Don't you think it's punishment enough just being him?

[MissBee]

Don't you think it's punishment enough just being him?

 

:laugh: