Author TheCollector Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 Sunny- absolutely it would help my decision to kick her out. And I've gotta find a way to get his number first off. Now for the UPDATE. Had a crazy night last night was up till 9:30 this morning...sheept saying I was acting funny and what was wrong with me. I blew it off. So around 5:00 in the morning it was time for bed and she gets super depressed and I keep asking whats wrong and she finally says that I look at her different and she didn't know why I was acting this way. She said I look at her hollow. She sat up in bed crying. I rolled over and tried to ignore her. She left the room.... A while later she returned and woke me up(i wasn't asleep) said she can't breath. Said she was having an asma attack. So I get up and go out in the living room away from the sleeping baby. She asks me whats wrong. So I tell her I don't trust her. She cries and says that "he" (OM) has taken everything from her and is still taking things from her. Now he's taking me from her. I said that I wasn't saying that I didn't believe her but that I didn't knowot what to believe. I said regardless weather or not he raped her it doesn't change the emotional affair before it. She was heartless in that time frame and rubbed it in my face.. she said she couldn't believe I didn't believe her while sobbing. She said I was her husband and I should always believe her. I said and your my wife and I should know that you'd never look at another man but we both know that's not true
2sunny Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 You wouldn't have all this DRAMA from her if you'd simply remove her from your home! But you aren't doing that - so expect to get more of her crap she keeps throwing at you! You are ALLOWING it by enforcing a healthy boundary.
Author TheCollector Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I told her I'm unsure of what I want. She said she needed to know one way or another weather I saw a future with her and I told her I don't know but that I would try witch I am trying... That doesn't mean I will stay with her. I'm probably just delaying the inevitable but I don't want to act hastily and regret itt later. I do still love her...but that doesn't mean I can stay with her. I'm just trying to feel my way through this fog..... And I am going to get the OM's number tonight.
BetrayedH Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 To be continued.... A high drama story, that's for sure.
2sunny Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 I told her I'm unsure of what I want. She said she needed to know one way or another weather I saw a future with her and I told her I don't know but that I would try witch I am trying... That doesn't mean I will stay with her. I'm probably just delaying the inevitable but I don't want to act hastily and regret itt later. I do still love her...but that doesn't mean I can stay with her. I'm just trying to feel my way through this fog..... And I am going to get the OM's number tonight. Go ahead -stay then. Expect more crappy behavior from her. We can't help you when you don't intend to change a thing.
Author TheCollector Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I am changing things sunny. I'm not taking any verbal abuse. I've let her know how serious I am. I am going to tell my mother-in-law she is GOING TO GET A JOB and MOVE OUT. No exceptions. I am heeding the advice I'm getting here. I know I didn't really finish telling what happened night before last but pretty much I told her that it was marriage counseling or divorce. And we will go from there on what to do next. I may not move as fast as you with these things sunny but I'm not ignoring what you or anybody else is saying.
Author TheCollector Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Soni sagra- can you elaborate more on your post please.
Author TheCollector Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I did infact acquire the OM's cell number tonight.Now.... When I contact him I'm thinking ill tell him of her allegations against him to get him on my side enough to spill the beans about what really happened.... What do you all think about that? Anything you guys suggest or have to add?
2sunny Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Why don't you just ask him what his involvement has been with your wife? No use offering info until he tells you his side first. 1
road Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I did infact acquire the OM's cell number tonight.Now.... When I contact him I'm thinking ill tell him of her allegations against him to get him on my side enough to spill the beans about what really happened.... What do you all think about that? Anything you guys suggest or have to add? Why don't you just ask him what his involvement has been with your wife? No use offering info until he tells you his side first. You can count on the OM to most likely lie. His motivation will be to protect himself and admit only a fraction, offer no details, and only admit to what you already know. So do not reveal all of what you know. Or the OM will tell all and then embelish, bragg, and lie, to inflict pain onto you. This is why asking the OM is useless to find out what went on. As the conversation unfolds you do not reveal what you know, ever, to the OM. You can say that why are you lying because his story does not match up when the facts don't match. But again don't tell him how his and WW story don't match up.
Author TheCollector Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 So you guys think I should or shouldn't go through with contacting him? My thought process was that telling him about her allegations would piss him off at her and scare him with the thought of charges would convince him to tell the truth... Plus last time I spoke to him he said he could show me things I would'nt believe... AND I called my lawyer today to set up a consultation to discuss my options in divorce. And more therapy tomorrow before work.
Steen719 Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 At this point, why wouldn't you contact him? You will either get some information or not, but it won't be less than you know now. 3
BetrayedH Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 At this point, why wouldn't you contact him? You will either get some information or not, but it won't be less than you know now. I agree. You can decide what you want you believe after it's happened. I think you say that you're trying to make an informed decision about how to love forward and want to know if he's willing to share his side of the story. 2
Author TheCollector Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 So betrayedH that's how you think I should word it? Leave out that she says he raped her?
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 So it's taken a year for you to realize what got you to this place. Start doing something - anything. Yes, call him. But also give your W a polygraph - she needs to prove her truth at this point - and be accountable for her actions.
Author TheCollector Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Your right sunny and I'm making changes and getting my ducks in a row so I can make the split as quick as possible.
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 And so once that decision is made - it's best to just make a clean break and take steps to make it happen. She isn't going to change things - and neither is her Mom - especially when you pay their way! If they didn't intend to just use you - and mooch off you - they would have both gotten jobs weeks ago. You're allowing them to use you. They don't intend to help out.
BetrayedH Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 So betrayedH that's how you think I should word it? Leave out that she says he raped her? I think it's impossible to pre-plan very much. In my case, I sent the OM an email saying that I wanted his side of things. I guaranteed him that there wouldn't be a confrontation, physical or otherwise, and gave hima time and place. If he is willing to meet, I think you see what he brings with him for proof and play it by ear. If he won't agree to meet, I think you say, "Look, my wife is now claiming you raped her. I'm not sure I believe that but hearing from you would help."
road Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 So you guys think I should or shouldn't go through with contacting him? My thought process was that telling him about her allegations would piss him off at her and scare him with the thought of charges would convince him to tell the truth... Plus last time I spoke to him he said he could show me things I would'nt believe... AND I called my lawyer today to set up a consultation to discuss my options in divorce. And more therapy tomorrow before work. That was the time to say show me those things. May be to late now maybe not. But still don't reveal what you know. You do not have to prove anything that is the OM job to prove he is telling the truth.
drifter777 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I think it's impossible to pre-plan very much. In my case, I sent the OM an email saying that I wanted his side of things. I guaranteed him that there wouldn't be a confrontation, physical or otherwise, and gave hima time and place. If he is willing to meet, I think you see what he brings with him for proof and play it by ear. If he won't agree to meet, I think you say, "Look, my wife is now claiming you raped her. I'm not sure I believe that but hearing from you would help." The word rape is too ugly and scary and implies you may go to the cops with this. Use the phrase "forced yourself on her" or some other euphemism to encourage him to defend himself but not strike terror in him.
BetrayedH Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 The word rape is too ugly and scary and implies you may go to the cops with this. Use the phrase "forced yourself on her" or some other euphemism to encourage him to defend himself but not strike terror in him. Probably a good idea. But I think if he feels that she is throwing him under the bus, he may be more apt to share his truth with you. Once you've heard it, be sure to ask what proof he has since she is likely to keep lying about it. 1
Author TheCollector Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Road- I wish so badly that I had asked him then but anger and emotion and fear all stopped me. I regret it terribly now... Drifted-that's a good point about wording. BetrayedH- that's what I thought too I think just enough to scare him and make him mad at her not terrify. UPDATE I went to the therapy session today and feel I am making good progress. My therapist says that contacting the OM might not be a bad idea as well. He said that knowing both halves of the story will help me discern what I want and help make an informed decision. So good stuff there. I didn't have time to call the lawyer back before work but I WILL call them tomorrow
2sunny Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Still no new action taken on your part. Things aren't changing because you rent DOING ANYTHING to change it all! When you take action - specifically, contrary action - that's when things will change. Has MIL started working? I bet not... You just continue being their good little doormat. Change that. Get a healthy boundary and stick to it!
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