2sunny Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 They'll find work when you no longer live with them and give them money. Stop being their doormat.
Author TheCollector Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 UPDATE First off... As expected we went to court Monday and absolutely steam-rolled her sister about custody of her son. So that's over with. We have "temporary custody" indefinitely...thanks to me.... Have received $300 from her mom toward the loan BUT her boyfriend from Canada sent $500 -fees = $450..... That is causing more fighting now between my wife and I. Ok now for the infidelity news witch is why I really wanted to update... She has changed her story now and i don't know what to believe. A few weeks after it happened last year we talked about it some and she said that he really isn't a bad guy and that I knew it.... (we used to be friends) AND she told me then that I should be more mad at her than him because she was the aggressor and made the moves...fast forward to now.... We were fighting really bad Friday night and everything came up. And she tells me now that he forced himself on her and she was afraid to fight back. She said that he had been slightly physically violent a few times before. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I would do something crazy. She didn't want me to go to jail or something...I feel bad for saying this cause generally people dont say those kind of things lightly but I dont know if I can believe it... I told her I did cause she was sobbing and such but I don't know. She let him hang out with us for weeks after it had happened with no acting different around him. She said cause she didn't want to raise an alarm with me...what do you guys think? I don't understand how if that was true how she could be around him and act like nothing happened.
2sunny Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) The question is - how can YOU STAY and act like this is supposed to be ok? Who cares who she did - how it happened - that's for her to reconcile now! Get out! She is toxic and so is her family - why haven't YOU changed everything? It's difficult to believe your story. Until you take action to HANGE this situation for yourself there's nothing anyone can do to help you. Good luck - change everything. Edited October 18, 2012 by 2sunny
LeGenDary_Man Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 UPDATE First off... As expected we went to court Monday and absolutely steam-rolled her sister about custody of her son. So that's over with. We have "temporary custody" indefinitely...thanks to me.... Have received $300 from her mom toward the loan BUT her boyfriend from Canada sent $500 -fees = $450..... That is causing more fighting now between my wife and I. Ok now for the infidelity news witch is why I really wanted to update... She has changed her story now and i don't know what to believe. A few weeks after it happened last year we talked about it some and she said that he really isn't a bad guy and that I knew it.... (we used to be friends) AND she told me then that I should be more mad at her than him because she was the aggressor and made the moves...fast forward to now.... We were fighting really bad Friday night and everything came up. And she tells me now that he forced himself on her and she was afraid to fight back. She said that he had been slightly physically violent a few times before. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I would do something crazy. She didn't want me to go to jail or something...I feel bad for saying this cause generally people dont say those kind of things lightly but I dont know if I can believe it... I told her I did cause she was sobbing and such but I don't know. She let him hang out with us for weeks after it had happened with no acting different around him. She said cause she didn't want to raise an alarm with me...what do you guys think? I don't understand how if that was true how she could be around him and act like nothing happened. Thanks for the update. As far as the revelations of your wife are concerned; DO NOT FALL for them. She has manipulated you before and she WILL manipulate you now. If she was being voilated/forced/harrassed by OM, she should have come CLEAN to you no matter what and you both could EASILY report to the police and get OM arrested. Do not be naive. Get this TOXIC woman out of your life. And keep us informed. Good luck. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Just sounds like more crazy talk to me. You are delaying the inevitable, brother. 1
Author TheCollector Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 I've tried getting her to talk to the police....she was raped when she was 15..I've known this for years... When I asked her about going to the police this time she said she's been there and done that and that it was just her word against his...
Author TheCollector Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 This is our text conversation this morning... Her-: You think you know what is best for me but all I want is for us to have a healthy marriage, healthy daughter and to enjoy our lives together knowing you love me and support me. I've had a year to deal with things, its been very hard especially being pregnant but I've managed. I'm strong because of my daughter. I don't have time to be mad or depressed bc she needs me. It's almost been therapeutic taking care of her. I don't want to see a therapist. Period. I'm sorry I told you. I really am. I should have known it would have been too much on you. Me- ..I hate not being able to do anything about it! It's killing me and you shouldn't regret telling me! I'm your husband...you should've told me a long time ago Her- If I would have told you then you know you would have been irrational. He hurt me tyler...as my husband what would you have done in the moment? Her- It just makes me feel like less of a person and everyone you tell sees me as Such. It's embarrassing and shaming.
BetrayedH Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I tell you, the three things I told my wife that I needed from her in order to avoid immediate divorce were (1) No lying (2) No contact and (3) No cheating. During out reconciliation, my wife broke the first two rules and thise made it impossible to believe that she hadn't or wouldn't break the third. What I see is your wife still thinking that there is some justification for lying to you. She apparently thinks she has better judgment than you. She doesn't respect you enough as an equal to give you the truth even after seeing how damaging her lying has already been. She hasn't learned a damn thing. You can do as you like but I, for one, could not dedicate the rest of my life (again) to someone that can still lie straight to my face after something like this. In my view, you deserve more respect than that regardless of what rationalizations she can come up with for her lies. 1
2sunny Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 She will dream up more drama. Drama she'll expect you to react to or fix for her or designed to feel sorry for her. Don't react- don't over react. Call the police when needed - let hem handle her chaos. Stop rescuing her. Start building your life on your own - let HER figure out what to do about all these crappy situations. Wat are YOU doing to change it all? Anything or nothing? If you're still doing nothing - start doing SOMETHING different! 3
Author TheCollector Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 first off sorry for not being on here in a while.... I went to my second session with the therapist today...talked mostly about the other problems with my marriage. He says the same that ALOT of you are saying. That I'm being too nice and too responsible. I need to start setting boundaries and taking charge of my situation. I'm the main bread winner and I know it and I've got that control... I plan to go to a divorce lawyer to discuss my options within a week or so... I have been pushing my wife on getting my mother-in-law to get a job and out of my house... I have a question... As you know my wife recently changed her story and said he forced himself on her... I don't think I believe that...to find out if she is still lying to me for sure do you all think I should contact OM and ask his side of the story??? Tell him she is saying he practically raped her. To get his side of the story and see how they match up? Last time I threatened him like A year ago he said the I wouldn't believe some things he could show or tell me but I chalked it up to him being a Dick... What do you think?
BetrayedH Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 For me, knowing the facts was critical. Everything about my future was based on knowing the truth (about the past and present so I could decide on my future). The OM isn't necessarily a reliable source but he's a source nonetheless. I spoke to my wife's OM but my issues were different at the time. I wanted to hear from his mouth about his future intentions with my wife and I had some exposure threats to share with him.
Author TheCollector Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 See betrayed that's exactly how I feel at times. Like I NEED to be sure I know everything. I could get his number through other people at work...but that's another thing that killed me about the affair. The embarrassment of knowing that other people around my work know what happened...makes me feel like I look week or pathetic for staying with my pregnant wife when In my head at the time what choice did I have? Miss out on my first child being born and have no rights to it?....anyway..... Some days I just want to make this work and others I don't even want to see her face...still.... I feel ok most of the time while I'm around her but loath her when I'm at work.... Is this kind of back-n-forth normal?
BetrayedH Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 See betrayed that's exactly how I feel at times. Like I NEED to be sure I know everything. I could get his number through other people at work...but that's another thing that killed me about the affair. The embarrassment of knowing that other people around my work know what happened...makes me feel like I look week or pathetic for staying with my pregnant wife when In my head at the time what choice did I have? Miss out on my first child being born and have no rights to it?....anyway..... Some days I just want to make this work and others I don't even want to see her face...still.... I feel ok most of the time while I'm around her but loath her when I'm at work.... Is this kind of back-n-forth normal? Yep, it called a rollercoaster. I was the same way; I felt secure when she was with me and awful when she wasn't. But after a while, SHE was my biggest trigger and I was worse when I was around her. The problem was that I stillfelt like she was lying and not confronting it was infuriating. With a truly remorseful spouse, it can take 2-5 years to heal. It's a long investment. And I'm not sure your wife is remorseful about anything other than being sorry that you found out.
drifter777 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 first off sorry for not being on here in a while.... I went to my second session with the therapist today...talked mostly about the other problems with my marriage. He says the same that ALOT of you are saying. That I'm being too nice and too responsible. I need to start setting boundaries and taking charge of my situation. I'm the main bread winner and I know it and I've got that control... I plan to go to a divorce lawyer to discuss my options within a week or so... I have been pushing my wife on getting my mother-in-law to get a job and out of my house... I have a question... As you know my wife recently changed her story and said he forced himself on her... I don't think I believe that...to find out if she is still lying to me for sure do you all think I should contact OM and ask his side of the story??? Tell him she is saying he practically raped her. To get his side of the story and see how they match up? Last time I threatened him like A year ago he said the I wouldn't believe some things he could show or tell me but I chalked it up to him being a Dick... What do you think? From my experience a WW will lie, lie, lie some more, and then finally come clean with "everything" - except they are still lying. Your wife could be the exception, but the chances that she is being truthful are near zero. I agree that the OM may not be the best source, but he's all you have if you are looking for evidence that she is lying. Do you really need 3rd-party evidence at this point? She betrayed you. She willingly gave herself to another man - pursued him in fact. Now she's changing her story and thinks she can gaslight you into believing it. If you are ok trying to reconcile with a cheating wife who is now saying it was rape, well, good luck with that. You've gotten good feedback from good people here and now you need to make decisions as to how you want to live the rest of your life. 2
Author TheCollector Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 Well said drifter. I know I've gotten a ton of great advice on here and promise I will continue here no matter what happens. I would love to hear his side just so I could throw the lies in her face BUT I know he might lie just to add fuel to our fire cause he did want her... I'm conflicted on weather to contact him or not. BetrayedH I think she is minimizing her involvement and that does infuriate me. I think as soon as I talk to a lawyer about my options I will be looking for any fight to drop the huge bomb on her but for now I want her unaware of the severity. Although she is seeing I'm not taking her crap the way I was before.
BetrayedH Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 Well said drifter. I know I've gotten a ton of great advice on here and promise I will continue here no matter what happens. I would love to hear his side just so I could throw the lies in her face BUT I know he might lie just to add fuel to our fire cause he did want her... I'm conflicted on weather to contact him or not. BetrayedH I think she is minimizing her involvement and that does infuriate me. I think as soon as I talk to a lawyer about my options I will be looking for any fight to drop the huge bomb on her but for now I want her unaware of the severity. Although she is seeing I'm not taking her crap the way I was before. He might lie. But he also might have proof for the things he says and that info might be just enough for you to see if your wife is lying or telling the truth. You obviously don't have to believe anything and should expect he has motivation to lie (and an already demonstrated poor character). Stuff he can prove is all you should believe. But you won't know until you pursue it. Just make sure you keep your cool no matter what happens You seem to be stuck in what some people call, analysis paralysis. Sometimes analyzing things to death ends up being a default decision to stay. How long has this attorney thing been on the horizon? I thought you were pretty well done with this bull****. Maybe I'm remembering incorrectly. 1
2sunny Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 So mom in law still isn't working - and you're still ALLOWING her to mooch off you. Your wife and her mom are a real piece of work. I can't see one reason to stay in he M - and get a paternity test done ASAP. You let people use you. Work in therapy on that. Rescuing people and providing too much when others don't participate to support the group isn't balanced. She's using you - but you are allowing it. Throw her and MIL out now.
Author TheCollector Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 No betrayedH your not remembering incorrectly... I just....keep going back and fourth on my relationship... I don't want to but for some reason I keep doing it. Hope I guess..I am serious about it and I guess trying to find a time to go to the layer. I did get my third therapy visit scheduled for wed of next week and that's helping me find my way through this slowly. Honestly I think she has wore down my confidence and ability to argue. BUT I am getting better at not caring when she's mad or doesn't like something and I am getting my backbone back and that feels great. As far as contacting the OM so you think I should? I think it might either be beneficial to knowing what she really did verses what she said happened....OR.....its just gonna make me furious if he's a Dick about it. If I do contact him it will only be through text. If I do contact him......how do you think I should word it?
Author TheCollector Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Sunny you are VERY right. I am working on that in therapy and I am getting better about it and not feeling bad about it either. I WILL get there.
FelicityShot Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 No betrayedH your not remembering incorrectly... I just....keep going back and fourth on my relationship... I don't want to but for some reason I keep doing it. Hope I guess..I am serious about it and I guess trying to find a time to go to the layer. I did get my third therapy visit scheduled for wed of next week and that's helping me find my way through this slowly. Honestly I think she has wore down my confidence and ability to argue. BUT I am getting better at not caring when she's mad or doesn't like something and I am getting my backbone back and that feels great. As far as contacting the OM so you think I should? I think it might either be beneficial to knowing what she really did verses what she said happened....OR.....its just gonna make me furious if he's a Dick about it. If I do contact him it will only be through text. If I do contact him......how do you think I should word it? You will verify everything with time - facts don't matter as much as trust, faith and what you know already. If you contact - you will get a whole other world. Such contact can be very good for all involved - it can make the fall out quicker - people admit what they were going through. Most often people say avoid it and NC is great. I think head in the sand = trouble later.
noble Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 I've just read your thread.. and I thought I'd contribute. Firstly, sorry your wife did this to you. I am a woman, and i can't imagine ever being so careless with the feelings of someone I love and acting so totally out of selfishness. You dont deserve that, especially from the woman you've made your wife. However, I think that you SHOULD contact the other man. The reason I say this is because you have text records of your wife claiming that he basically raped her, but the OM also told you that he had some "evidence" of his own. I know you are looking into a divorce, and maybe the OM has some proof that the relationship was consentual, and you could use it against her if need be in court to prove infidelity and disprove her claims of rape. Also, speaking to the OM may clarify how things really went down. I know your wife wants to blame the OM and basically say she's innocent, but you know this is just a story she concocted, and I think you'll be able to make a better decision about what you want to do once you know the whole truth.
Author TheCollector Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Felicityshot- thanks I'm sure it will help me decipher what's lies and what's not. I agree head in the sand =trouble later. Noble- thank you for the kind words. I think no matter what this will help me. I'm thinking of getting his number and texting him about it. I will first ask him if he knows who I am and will tell him if not. Then I guess I would word it like "if there is any decency in you you will tell me exactly what happened and how often and all the details" what do you guys think...trying to be civil here.....hard....
2sunny Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 And what do you plan to do with that info? Will it help you decide to kick her out today? Why wait? Call him right now! Your W has been using you for years! So is her mom! Stop ALLOWING that! They live in the gutter - I bet they will then finally get jobs. Seriously, why are you wasting one more day letting them treat you like trash?
Recommended Posts