The_Face Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) I want to keep this simple. If you were with a girl and found out you may have conceived a baby during the same week, week and a half span as she was with her "rebound", would you worry about if you were the father? Even if she repeatedly tries to assure you there was nothing to worry about (her and the other guy used protection), would you be able to let yourself go along with the pregnancy without any doubt? Even if you wanted to believe everything she said? And to the women out there, if you slept with two guys within the same week or so, could you honestly be offended by your ex bf concerned with paternity? Struggling with guilt now. Even though there's a huge part of me that knows I shouldn't be. This whole thing has consumed my life entirely, and the kid isn't even here yet. I guess I'm just hoping some people can tell me I wasn't wrong for wanting a test done. I just got ran over by the guilt train the other day. I just hate to hear my ex cry, even if she is my ex. Now the thought of going through with the test (meeting up with her to get her blood drawn) is just going to be awkward, uncomfortable and basically just really unpleasant. Will she be able to get over it someday?? ****!!! Edited October 5, 2012 by The_Face
Author The_Face Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 It's nice to hear I'm not crazy for being worried. Too bad the ex gf can't seem to see this from my perspective. I guess I've vented on this topic enough already. It'll be done soon, and after that all of this will be behind us. Hooray
CarrieT Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Will she be able to get over it someday?? ****!!! Considering what she has put you through, the last thing you should be worried about is HER getting over you wanting a verification. Seriously. 2
Hawaii50 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 This is one of the only times I will tell a person to think Negatively. Don't feel guilty for having a logical worry. "Time will tell" said the Zen Master. 1
amaysngrace Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 She can't relate to what you're going through because she knows the baby is hers. Same way that her parents are handling it differently than yours are because they know that's their grand baby. Those people have no idea what you guys are going through. Too bad if they can't accept how you feel about it. They just can't relate.
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I know she's pregnant, so she's going through so many changes, and is probably very scared of the future, in alot of ways. I get that. I am, too. But for her to resent me for this is just unbelievable. Turning your back on the one guy that's been there through the whole thing, just because of your pride? For crying out loud, she's the one who slept with more than one person in that short amount of time. There's nothing wrong with being able to go from one sexual partner to the next, but if that's your style, you should be a little more understanding of the impact that information will have on the guy(s) you share the news of your unplanned pregnancy to!
amaysngrace Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I know she's pregnant, so she's going through so many changes, and is probably very scared of the future, in alot of ways. I get that. I am, too. But for her to resent me for this is just unbelievable. You are totally right to question the paternity and not take her at her word. This very much concerns you, your future and your life. I honestly hope that its not yours. She sounds like drama. 1
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Your feelings are valid and she is being insensitive to not understand that. She cries and says how sad she is that I can't trust her ever again. Things like that always come up when I'm trying to be genuine and open up about things. How I should be able to trust her when she says she 100% sure it's my kid. It seems manipulative. She steers the conversation from whatever she has done wrong or things that have hurt me, and next thing you know, I'm supposed to apologize to her now. I'm done with her games. It just sucks there's a baby involved in this. But if it is mine, I will be the best dad I can be. And forget any idea that me and the child's mother could work out as a couple again. At this point, I can confidently say that option is never going to happen. I would just do everything I was legally and morally obligated to do, and try my best everyday to spend time with that child, regardless of the circumstances. Again, thanks to the repliers today. Most of the time people don't seem to reply, and today of all days, it helps alot. Time to cheer up, I know!
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 She sounds like drama. Don't get me started! 1
lisap1971 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 wow, this is crazy. NO, you should NOT have guilt for asking for a paternity test......She slept with 2 people in a week, its 50/50 that it could be yours, even with protection, a condom is not 100% As a parent of 2 children I know how much joy a child can bring into your life. How much that little child can change you as a person, your thoughts, your dreams, and everything in between. Being a parent is a huge responsibility and you certainly could have taken the ****ty road and just brushed it off that the baby wasnt yours, but I commend you for taking a stand, to prove that the baby is or isnt yours and stating that if it is yours you will do EVERYTHING a father needs to do for its child. Good for you and I truly hope that everything works out the way your hoping it will. Good luck!
CC12 Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 And to the women out there, if you slept with two guys within the same week or so, could you honestly be offended by your ex bf concerned with paternity? Honestly, no. He would have a right to be concerned. I mean, I can't ignore science and facts about how human reproduction and contraceptives work, and I couldn't expect him to ignore it, either. To be questioned about it would probably feel weird, but I couldn't fault the guy for his feelings. He'd be right. she says she 100% sure it's my kid. She cannot be sure of this. She can want so badly for it to be true, because the alternative might be pretty devastating, but that doesn't make it true. She might be a little bit in denial. Or uneducated? OP, do you think she doesn't understand that condoms (and/or other birth control) are not 100% effective? I kept up with some of your past threads, and I think you've done a commendable job so far. You've dealt with this weird situation as well as you could have, and you've gone far beyond what a lot of ex-boyfriends would have done. I hope someday she will appreciate this, because right now it seems like she really doesn't "get it" you know? You bring up valid concerns, and then she cries for three hours until you feel so bad about making her cry that you don't ever really get your concerns addressed. She needs to hear you out. If you do end up having to deal with her for the next 18+ years, then you're going to have to stand up for yourself and not allow her to steamroll you. I say this because you seem to be a really nice guy who wants to appease others at the expense of your own happiness. Be careful with that.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 She can't relate to what you're going through because she knows the baby is hers. Same way that her parents are handling it differently than yours are because they know that's their grand baby. Those people have no idea what you guys are going through. Too bad if they can't accept how you feel about it. They just can't relate. Nicely put and this IS something you should say to her Face. Maybe she'll understand more how you feel and why the test has to happen. 1
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 She can't relate to what you're going through because she knows the baby is hers. Same way that her parents are handling it differently than yours are because they know that's their grand baby. Those people have no idea what you guys are going through. Too bad if they can't accept how you feel about it. They just can't relate. Very good point of view... thanks for that AG.. I think it changed my viewpoint some on this..
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 The_Face.. certainly you shouldn't feel any guilt over this.. the baby might not be yours.. But if it is then you should work very hard to put it all behind you both. She is seeing this as a mistrust against her and her view is also not wrong, but it is understandable.. This will be a tough row to hoe in the coming future with all the breaches of trust happening in your relationship.. even trust broken for a good reason doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt... Good luck, and remember that time does heal wounds...
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 It seems that on top if her emotional drama, she nor her family truly understand the biological science of conception, statistical data on condom effectiveness&petfect use. There are many reasons that paternity needs to be established. It's interesting that she cries after having made judgement to act. You are doing all the work on this and yet getting the stick too, harsh.
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Honestly, no. He would have a right to be concerned. I mean, I can't ignore science and facts about how human reproduction and contraceptives work, and I couldn't expect him to ignore it, either. To be questioned about it would probably feel weird, but I couldn't fault the guy for his feelings. He'd be right. She cannot be sure of this. She can want so badly for it to be true, because the alternative might be pretty devastating, but that doesn't make it true. She might be a little bit in denial. Or uneducated? OP, do you think she doesn't understand that condoms (and/or other birth control) are not 100% effective? I kept up with some of your past threads, and I think you've done a commendable job so far. You've dealt with this weird situation as well as you could have, and you've gone far beyond what a lot of ex-boyfriends would have done. I hope someday she will appreciate this, because right now it seems like she really doesn't "get it" you know? You bring up valid concerns, and then she cries for three hours until you feel so bad about making her cry that you don't ever really get your concerns addressed. She needs to hear you out. If you do end up having to deal with her for the next 18+ years, then you're going to have to stand up for yourself and not allow her to steamroll you. I say this because you seem to be a really nice guy who wants to appease others at the expense of your own happiness. Be careful with that. I agree. I do think there is that little part of her that questions the paternity too. But she wants it so bad to be mine, too, that she is trying to will herself to believe it 100%. She may never admit that to me, but her actions make me wonder.. It seems alot of the info she's shared with me that's supposed to put my mind at ease has came out in short bursts, like it was omitted earlier on and just suddenly comes up at the last minute, as a last ditch effort to cool my nerves. And that always makes me question her story. Sometimes I wonder if she is scared at the possibility because she doesn't honestly remember everything about her fling. And I already know this other guy is a complete *******, when she told him about it he made her cry for two hours and even offered to go in to the abortion clinic with her to get it taken care of. None of that made sense to me, especially if it was some random guy who didn't give a crap about her and only had a few flings with her. Wouldn't he just say FO and walk away at that point, happy to be dodging a bullet? As for being too nice of a guy and trying to always appease others, I also agree. This whole experience, as well as the year we were dating eachother, has really made me realize this about myself. I was a pushover too early on, overly willing to take on all financial responsibilites (paying all the rent, groceries, etc. etc.) and not sticking up for myself enough when things happened that didn't work for me. I'm slowly learning to change that about myself. Because, in caring so much about her in all of this, it seems I've only ended up hurting myself more. Which, as it stands now, is ultimately hurting her as well. So being the way I have been doesn't always pay off. I need to find more of a middle ground, in how I approach differences and problems with people, in general. This was some good stuff to read this morning.
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 The_Face.. certainly you shouldn't feel any guilt over this.. the baby might not be yours.. But if it is then you should work very hard to put it all behind you both. She is seeing this as a mistrust against her and her view is also not wrong, but it is understandable.. This will be a tough row to hoe in the coming future with all the breaches of trust happening in your relationship.. even trust broken for a good reason doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt... Good luck, and remember that time does heal wounds... I have tried to tell her that once this is done, I won't have a problem at all. I have already put the fact that she fell out of love with me and into love with another guy so quickly a long time ago. I am over that pain now. Really all I want from her is to be civil, and work on being the best parents (or co-parents?) as we can be. And aside from the topic of paternity, we always do great when hanging out together. The boyfriend/ girlfriend vibe is gone, and that feels fine to me.' Once the results come in, I will be ready and willing to put it all behind us. I don't hold resentment for the actions she took, in sleeping with someone else. If there is any resentment at the moment, it's just in her not understanding my point of view in the slightest bit. And I've put myself in her shoes regarding this subject many times. Even under these circumstances, I get that it must feel like two steps back when I ask her for a test to finally be done. She now wants to think that I don't trust her at all, and all the progress we've made doesn't amount to anything. All I can hope is that after time has passed, she will someday understand I WANT to trust her fully, but when it comes to this paternity thing, I'm not sure blind faith alone will get me through it, you know? I figure if I can forgive her and move on from this, she should be able to, also. But she is pregnant, maybe that is making it harder for her to deal with this rationally?
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Pregnant women are more prone to swinging moods and emotional moments, but it doesn't make them la-la, irrational or senseless. It just heightens things a little. Trust me, she is in control of her faculties. She just WANTS it to be yours, and doesn't want all this fuss about paternity and testing. Because one, it would make her out to be a liar, and two it would foil all her plans about keeping you close. I'm certain she suspects - big time - that this may not be your baby. I'm sure she's more than aware of it. Pulling the "I'm pregnant and emotional, have some pity for me!" is a low trick - and she shouldn't expect you to lay all common-sense aside, just because she's behaving like an hysterical banshee. 2
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Thanks TaraMaiden You said some of the things I've been thinking but put them into words better than I could have. And another poster asked me when I am getting the test done? The kit should be here around Tuesday of next week, and then I just have to fax over some paperwork to the DNA center so they can schedule my ex's blood drawing at whatever local hospital they pick in my area. So hopefully, sometime this week we'll have the blood drawn. Then I can ship the kit back to the DNA center, and within 7 days, they will have my results. Hoping I can meet up with her for the blood draw on a day where she is staying with her friends in the city. Then I won't get stuck driving her all the way to her mom's where she is currently living. That's a 2 hour drive, and it would be awkward as hell. Not to mention, at this point I'm sure she's vented all of this stuff to her mom and her mom won't be too pleasant to see again, if that's the case. Her mom already got in my face once about this issue, and bullied me into not bringing it up again or she'll smack the crap out of me. Seriously. Plus her brother is getting out of prison this week. It would be a bad time to finally meet him with all this drama going on.
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Have company. Go with someone. You don't have to do this alone. If she can gather reinforcements - why can't you?
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Try to frame this situation as "logical consequence" but NOT drama. It is whatvitvis and you seem to be the sole responsible adult. Paternity is but the first step. It's not an issue of trusting her, other than she revealed by some means that two sperm donors are involved. She bears responsibility for that decision. Pregnancy risk is always or nearly always a fact. How her family can expect to treat you harshly now but embrace you as father of said child is not reasonable. You have manned up, it's fortunate for them. Trust within a parenting dynamic is very different when sexual intimacy is absent. The usual differences of values and in many instances, financial issues are present. She bears half the burden of child expense. Apparently her family is willing and able to sustain her? This will come to bear on you as boundaries are set. I hope you are preparing emotionally. It's an undefined circumstance for weeks to come. I am sure your mind is filled with questions and concerns. Edited October 6, 2012 by Balzac Establishing paternity is RIGHT and necessary!
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Oh and once the test is done, and you're then awaiting results? Go No Contact, stay No Contact. Until the day you find out. Then if it isn't yours, Stay NC. If it is - take it from there. In between-time, you have absolutely Zero obligation to keep playing in her drama.
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 That is solid, practical advice Tara. The only respect angle of this paternity is that he needs to respect himself. How can she have respect for him absent his own self respect? It's an obvious possibility that once paternity is established he can choose to accept legal responsibity for this child by attaching his name to the birth certificate. Sperm donor #2 can assert his legal right even in that scenario however. Does this woman have intent to establish paternity with Sperm Donor #2? Will she notify him of the paternity status?
Recommended Posts