feeling worthless

[cab04]

My boyfriend makes me feel bad. We broke up 9 months ago because he wanted to date other people and said he wasn't attracted to me and then back together a month ago because he said he could resist me? He ended up kissing me and I let him and we got back together even though I was really split in two about wanting to be with him.

I really care about him still I know that for sure but he said really mean things to me when we broke up and I feel hesitant about letting him into my life again.

I feel embarrassed to tell my best friend and mom we got back together because I feel they will judge me for it.

This stresses me out a lot. I feel that in someways they are right. That i should be with someone who I guess appreciates me more?

But anyways I've been feeling bad about myself again lately. He always talks about how good looking other girls are. He only tells me I'm pretty when we're having sex. He'll call me cute I guess other times. But I dont know i find it hard to believe he means the few times he does compliment me because of everything he said to me when we broke up.

Then the other day I saw him messaging his ex and I was like who is that (I didn't know it was his ex) and he was like this girl i dated in middle school yeah i just wanted to catch up with her because i saw her mom and her mom told me I should say hi to her (conversation should have ended with that and i would have been fine no questions asked it was when he was a kid who cares). But then he continued like yeah i think she's really cute but she has a boyfriend so I wasn't going to do anything probably if she didn't have one but she did.

He started talking to her like a week before we got back together so it made me feel bad especially since the reason he told me we got back together was because he said he realized how special i was while he was away for a few months and how valuble our relationship was. Apparently if this girl was single that actually would have meant nothing.

And then that same night he was insensitive again he was like telling me how he jerked off thinking about paris hilton and shakira its like why would you tell me this I don't want to know. But then what bothered me is that earlier on in the day I had just mentioned I want to dye my hair lighter and he made a face and said i hate it when girls do things to themselves. Um obviously you don't because those two dye their hair, wear colored contact, have had nose jobs etc.

I just feel really devalued? Like i'm being settled for or i don't know not good enough. I guess? I dont know how to explain it like i really care about him but I wish he would find me more special.

What should I do or what do you think am I being too irrational?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Here is a good rule to follow Cab: If someone makes you feel bad they are not the right person for you. You don't have to look for any other reason to justify yourself or be rational about it. The simple fact is that being with him makes you feel bad.

 

This guy is controlling and abusive. He doesn't have to be hitting you in the face for it to be abusive behavior. He told you he jerked off to Paris Hilton? Ummm, WTF. And then he went on talking about some ex girlfriend and tried to shoulder the blame away from himself by saying this girl's mom told him to talk to her? He is selfish, controlling, manipulative and mean.

 

You are not being irrational at all. Cut ties with this guy. I don't trust him or like him and neither should you based on how he is treating you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think this is going to be pretty obvious for everyone reading this cab, the only reason it's not obvious for you is because you're living in a world of denial, trying to accept things and twist the reality into what you want to believe...which is also very typical but to the extent you are taking it is very, very far...which basically means you don't know how to treat yourself with respect and you have low self-esteem and and insecure.

 

This is why you would tolerate being with a guy like this, because this is what you think love is...you try convincing yourself of what you want to believe every day even though it breaks you down and is glaringly obvious even to you, you just can't accept it.

 

I'll make a few things clear here which are more than likely true;

 

- He meant everything he said to you when he broke up, he did this so that he wouldn't come back to you because he felt he "deserved" someone more attractive than you.

 

- He is likely someone who has went through abuse in his childhood, which is why he's acting this out on you...he is abusing you to make himself feel like he has the power and control...which you are rolling over for him and enabling him to do.

 

- He doesn't realize how special you are, unless you mean by special that you're someone that will put up with his abuse and crap because when he tried to pick up girls out in the real world he forgot he's not all that and came running back to the easiest person and most gullible person he can find...you.

 

- You've demonstrated that you're the kind of girl that will tolerate the abuse and basically be a pushover, therefore he doesn't have to respect you because you don't value or respect yourself...he is taking advantage of it.

 

- He will in the end move on to some other girl as soon as the situation arises, that means he'll keep talking to other women and hitting on them until he knows that he doesn't have to be alone or feel insecure being on his own...this way he can just transfer to her directly from you...In the end he's not going to care how he feel, he hardly does now...which honestly he doesn't care that much because he doesn't respect you.

 

- You trying to be these other women or more attractive, or the special one will never work because you're not the person for him...and neither are you. You both got issues which is why you are still together anyway, it's not about love or anything like that...this is just a screwed up situation you both are in enabling each others issues...and that's it...you'll realize after this guy you hardly had anything together that was real unfortunately.

 

Until you learn to stand up for yourself and respect yourself more than letting your "feelings" for this guy allow him to use you as a practice girl, then you're just going to go in the same circle over and over until he leaves you. It's sad because your mom and sister know this, they're the ones who really care about you after all....you really think this guy has your best interest at heart and loves you more than your mom and your sister? they will be there in the end, this guy will be cheating on you If he can, and leaving you when he sees something safe and promising enough to do so.

[mortensorchid]

I am sorry to read this, I know how you feel. Nothing hurts more than getting dumped, it's a blow to your ego. You hope against hope that the other person will see the error of their ways and come back, but they are not. And if they do, they still don't appreciate you even though he says that he does.

 

The man (like most men) is a fool who would rather have trash than a good woman like you. He doesn't deserve you, he would rather have trash because he can't do any better than trash. It's ok to feel hurt and jealous and angry, because that's what's normal when your ego has been hurt. Move on, the guy's a fool who could've had something great but he wants something lesser than he is. I'm going through it myself - last serious bf said every woman he's ever been with has dumped him because of his bad behaviors and he wasn't going to let that happen again. Do I believe that or your bf's reasons? I guess I do. But your bf said he wanted to see other people, chances are he will see those other people and find out how bad others can be. Forget him, move on.