So fed up and tired. Mentally abusing, controlling boyfriend.

[unluckycat]

I have no other options but to write here, anonymously, on a forum. I have no friends to talk to or family members, and I'm at the end of my rope.

 

This is a long story, so I'll try and keep it as simple as possible.

 

Been with my boyfriend Tom for 8 years. Over those 8 years we got into debt, going to Pawn Shops, and taking out loans. During our time together, we've had many explosive fights, usually stemming from work-related, to being in debt and poor, to simply not understanding eachother. Or, at least he SAYS he understands me. But I never see it.

 

Because he's never been able to take off with his career, I am constantly "blamed". I put it like "blamed" because he says he doesn't blame me, it's just facts. Almost all these 8 years I've always been the one to pay for things. He did a few times one year, but it's always been me. I run a small business online, over the course of the last 8 years, I had taken well over 200+ custom orders for things I have not fulfilled. I had customers always willing to buy things from me, and when emergencies came around, I always took it upon myself to pay for everything, because he didn't have any work.

 

I admit I had my own problems that didn't help the situation. I had anger problems, mostly stemming from never being able to have the time to DO any of the work I took to pay for our lives. I would get into fights with him weekly, sometimes daily. I moved out and ended up living with him and his parents and never officially asked them if I could move in, but they never kicked me out. However, Tom told me they were never happy with it, and all the times I tried to move back with my parents, he'd end up wanting me back. So eventually I just stopped trying, eventhough I knew it was wrong for me to be there most of the time. Alot of the fights were caused because I didn't understand where Tom was coming from. He'd often say how I do things aren't effecient, he'd be a bit controlling with what I do. Sometimes, when we didn't have the money to even go out and see friends, eventhough we made prior engagements with them, I'd tell him that we should just tell them we can't make it, because of money issues. He'd always refuse, saying that we can't be flakes. So I'd have to take on more work just to go out with friends sometimes.

 

There were times I screamed at him, because I would cry and he would just say I was being a cry baby. That I cry for nothing. I would tell him that I was always stressed because of my clients, the over 200+ clients I have, and that I wished he could help me. Everytime I asked for help, seeing as what I do he could easily help with, he always told me he needs to be working on his career and he can't help me. Sometimes the fights would get really heated, he'd pin me against a wall or shove me, and I'd have bruises all over my arms the next day. And when I told him to stop abusing me, he'd get angry and say he wasn't abusing me and it was my fault. He's always putting me down and yelling when I start getting angry. And when I try to be civil, it doesn't help either. So for all these years, I just feel like I can't make the situation better, and I tried everything.

 

Tom always wanted to be in the creative professional industry, since he was 10 years old. But never got anywhere with it. We'd go to shows where he could show his portfolio (which I again, ended up paying for) but he'd always work on his stuff the last minute, and when we end up going he doesn't show it. He even had a decent portfolio one year and just...never showed it. It always made me upset because I didn't want to go the conventions as much as he did. So I'd end up being in more debt with clients because of it.

 

And so because his career has never taken off, in 8 years, he constantly tells me "You ruined my life for 8 years". He'd blame me because of the fights, because of not understanding him, for not listening to him, etc. Again, he says he doesn't play the "blame game".

 

A current example of what happens. So I had 17 packages to send out, which in my head I had planned for Monday. Sunday, he tells me "You should get those packages ready so we can send it." We only have one car, and I can't drive it because it's a stick shift, so he drives me most places. I admit I am at fault because I don't tell him my original plan was to send it Monday. It's 1 pm, and he asks if he should cook lunch before we go. I say yes because I know he gets hungry, so we eat, watch a tv show, and I get back to packaging items at 3. It takes me about an hour to package everything, with 3 packages left. He comes in asking why I'm not done and it's taking long, it's already 4. The post office closes at 6. I said that there are only 3 left, but if he wanted to get on with his day, maybe we should send them tomorrow, because that's what I had planned anyways. This makes him tell me to stop whatever I'm doing and he ended up "lecturing" me for nearly an hour about how to be more efficient and telling me I should have communicated to him from the get go. I told him I was sorry I forgot, but then I ended up defending myself because again, I am the one who is paying for everything and doing most of the work. Doing the packaging and taking care of items sold. He ended up fighting with me, but again said it was my fault, because I wasn't being a civil adult and basically, rest of the day was ruined.

 

There were many times in our life I told him to leave me. I knew how much I would ruin his life, and 8 years, I'm so tired. So physically and mentally drained. I can't do the work I'm so late on, I can barely pay for anything, and I still live with him. I have no where else to go, and with no money, it solidifies that fact. And even still, he says we can't break the lease and go our separate ways, so I have to live with him no matter what. And every day I'm so scared.

 

Now, we are living in an apartment we can't afford, with no jobs and I'm trying to pay $1,300 for this place by myself and rent is past due. It's due at the latest Wed. I went to school for a semester and the loans are coming due the end of this month (which my bf also used for our living expenses) and I'm worried I won't be able to pay it. I'm still 200+ clients in debt, and many are demanding refunds, and I can't give them. I don't even know what to tell them.

 

What do I do...I just need people to talk to. Am I crazy? Was I really at fault because he couldn't get his career going? I'm paying all the bills, am I really not a mature adult? There's so much more I'm not saying here...so I'll answer any questions. I know I'm not the best at explaining.

[darkmoon]

no it's not your fault, he needs to blame somebody because his creativity is/was not a hit, once you two really argue to the point that you hate each other completely then you will split because you can't stand him at all

 

you are dealing with an obnoxious man, a loser in life, and your arguments are battles of will, he does not want your career to work or he'd just muck in and help though maybe he'll change

 

he likes to bully you, why waste time bickering, just try to work together and generate more business?

[unluckycat]

no it's not your fault, he needs to blame somebody because his creativity is/was not a hit, once you two really argue to the point that you hate each other completely then you will split because you can't stand him at all

 

you are dealing with an obnoxious man, a loser in life, and your arguments are battles of will, he does not want your career to work or he'd just muck in and help though maybe he'll change

 

he likes to bully you, why waste time bickering, just try to work together and generate more business?

 

We've tried splitting so many times. Like I said, I even moved back with my parents, and he wanted me to come back, eventhough we were doing much better without getting in eachother's way.

 

Thing is, I KNOW he's not a loser. He's actually someone I've looked up to for guidance many times. But most of the time it's his ego. He gets in the way of himself. He's actually helped me along my own career, as little as it was, but he expects me to help him MORE than I've already done because he says he paid too much attention to me. :/ I never asked him for help, he did it himself. Most of the time I wanted to do things myself.

 

And we've tried to work together. SO MANY TIMES. But it always ends up being me doing the work, and him doing the logistics. Which is fine, but he sometimes expects me to do more than I actually can. In fact recently I agreed to working with him. But he makes things difficult by always telling me what to do, and spending hours lecturing me and trying to get me to do things a certain way, nothing ever gets done.

[LadyGrey]

You need to rid yourself of this toxic relationship.

 

Since all this time, it hasn't worked for you, what makes you think it could ever be ok now?

[Silly_Girl]

Unless you realise investing more wont achieve anything you'll invest more. The more you invest the harder it is to walk away.

 

Sounds like you might need to accept this is your lot. This is your chosen relationship for the whole rest of your life. Good luck