LTD_dude Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 So we broke up just over 2 weeks ago.. It's 9 days NC it'd been really up and down. I found out she's going out tonight for a mutuals friends birthday.. Which means another horrible night of me waiting by the phone wondering of she'll drunken call me or text me. She probably won't but part of me still wants her to. I'm constantly dying to talk to her always thinking of her. This is a GIGS situation. Any suggestions?
KatZee Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 So we broke up just over 2 weeks ago.. It's 9 days NC it'd been really up and down. I found out she's going out tonight for a mutuals friends birthday.. Which means another horrible night of me waiting by the phone wondering of she'll drunken call me or text me. She probably won't but part of me still wants her to. I'm constantly dying to talk to her always thinking of her. This is a GIGS situation. Any suggestions? :/ while it's normal and expected to be devastated, you can't just sit by the phone staring at it hoping she'll drunk dial you. And even if she did...then what? You get to hear her sloppy a.ss on the other end. Is that going to make you feel better? If it's GIGS and no one here knows if it is, you're only assuming, then she's not coming back. She'll just toss you handfuls of breadcrumbs for as long as you'll allow them. You gotta start picking up the pieces and living your own life and having a good time without her. I know it's hard because a couple weeks after my split, I was forcing myself to go out with friends even though I didn't want to. I remember feeling like I never wanted to be where I was, that I wanted to be back in the comfort of my exes backyard, wrapped up in his arms, watching tv, and just hanging out with his family. But I forced myself to go out regardless. Each day got easier, and I kept extremely strict NC, which now, 4 months later, is no less strict than it was on day one. I deleted, blocked, erased, threw out and pretty much eliminated every avenue in which to hear about him, see him, speak to him, and threw out and ripped up cards, pictures, notes, items. Wallowing is not conducive to healing and growing emotionally. Turn off the phone, grab some buddies, and head out for the night. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Why on earth would you sit around while she's out having fun? Get your ass out of the house and go have some of your own. Even better have someone hold onto your phone til tomorrow so that if you toss a few back you won't text her, and if she DOES call/text you won't answer. Fake it til you make it, friend. Start getting busy NOW.
Author LTD_dude Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Thanks, I know it's not good just sit and wait but I'm already having of my bad days missing her terribly. I went out with friends recently and somehow managed to keep no contact! I dunno I guess a part of me wants breadcrumbs I dunno why, I'm still having trouble letting go.
Calico Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I dunno I guess a part of me wants breadcrumbs I dunno why, I'm still having trouble letting go. It's normal to feel that way. It's only been nine days. For me, what helps is to deliberately cultivate thoughts that assist you in letting go, such as thinking about what's positive about this situation, the freedoms you've gained, the stress aspects that you are no longer exposed to, the opportunities that lay ahead, and so on. The single most-helpful approach for me is acceptance. More practically put, embracing the rather simplistic and obvious thought that you can't control how another person feels and that you simply don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you as much as you want them (or at all). At first this may cause some feelings of helplessness and despair (the whole "not being good enough" thing), but if you keep chewing on it, you may arrive in a place where you find relief and comfort, where you realize and feel that things just "are", and that they are neither good nor bad. (You can also get really angry at her, but anger gets me stuck and attached, so I prefer a more gentle, more accepting approach.) It's a mental, deliberate effort, and it's hard work. 1
Author LTD_dude Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 It's normal to feel that way. It's only been nine days. For me, what helps is to deliberately cultivate thoughts that assist you in letting go, such as thinking about what's positive about this situation, the freedoms you've gained, the stress aspects that you are no longer exposed to, the opportunities that lay ahead, and so on. The single most-helpful approach for me is acceptance. More practically put, embracing the rather simplistic and obvious thought that you can't control how another person feels and that you simply don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you as much as you want them (or at all). At first this may cause some feelings of helplessness and despair (the whole "not being good enough" thing), but if you keep chewing on it, you may arrive in a place where you find relief and comfort, where you realize and feel that things just "are", and that they are neither good nor bad. (You can also get really angry at her, but anger gets me stuck and attached, so I prefer a more gentle, more accepting approach.) It's a mental, deliberate effort, and it's hard work. Thanks for the reply, I've come into acceptance but with that I take one step forward and two steps back like today. I have been able to distract myself but hearing she will be out tonight is actually killing me. I don't wanna go out for worry of running into her. I'm hanging with friends though, but I'll be very anxious waiting for a call or text that probably won't come..
Mike_d Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 It's a mental, deliberate effort, and it's hard work. true this ^ but without acceptance you're just spinning in place. what Calico said
Calico Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I have been able to distract myself but hearing she will be out tonight is actually killing me. Use your feelings to evaluate the usefulness of your thoughts. "Ugh, she's over me." -> feels bad. "Who is she going with?" -> feels bad. "I'll never find one like her." -> feels bad. "Why doesn't she miss me?" -> feels bad. "Why is she doing this to me?" -> feels (very) bad. "We had a good run, I'm glad for what we had." -> feels a bit better. "It's good this didn't drag out longer." -> feels a bit better. "Maybe one day we'll be friends." -> feels a bit better. "Maybe I could call a friend tonight for chit-chat?" -> feels a bit better. "I feel crappy, but hey, I'll get better." -> feels a bit better. And so on! Think thoughts that feel just a little bit better and you'll make it. Yes, it's work. Not easy at all.
LostOne1 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Thanks, I know it's not good just sit and wait but I'm already having of my bad days missing her terribly. I went out with friends recently and somehow managed to keep no contact! I dunno I guess a part of me wants breadcrumbs I dunno why, I'm still having trouble letting go. give it time.. after a while maybe a month or 2 you will get SOOOO fed up of thinking of her and wanting to be with her and all... and realize it isn't happening and your tired of all of it. You'll just give up and move on... I feel that now.. Just so fed up with it all that I just said.. you know what I don't care anymore. This is bull shat! Im beating down my ownself for nothing and I can't take it anymore and I want OUT. So I took myself out now. At this point if she talks to me.. great if she doesn't.. great. Because I just don't care now im so fed up over it all. Like I said if it works out and she wants to talk, then up up for talking. But if she wants to move on.. then so be it, I'm fed up of waiting and thinking when **** isnt gonna happen. So time for me to look at the nice sunny day and enjoy life. Give it time.. at some point you will just get fed up of it all and give up and let go. Your mind and body will reach a point where it just doesn't want to take the abuse your pushing it through and its gonna tell you to stop and give up and move on.
Author LTD_dude Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 ^ that's some good advice dude, I know I was lucky to have had her in my life and what we had was fantastic until the very end. Just seem to be fixated on the good rather than the bad . I've found it seriously hard to accept it. Would just live to hear from her see how she's doing
Calico Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Would just live to hear from her see how she's doing No, you don't. You just think you'd love that (it's normal, don't worry). What would happen if she contacted you? It would just rekindle all your hopes and desires, you'd hope and pray and think that it's all getting better now. And yes, you'd feel great for the moment, because the pleasure centre of your brain would get its fix. But what happens next? What happens when nothing really changed and she still doesn't know you? It's like breaking up all over again. It's easy to believe that a little is better than nothing, but when you get dumped and the other person doesn't want to be with you romantically, then nothing is far better than a little. 1
LostOne1 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 No, you don't. You just think you'd love that (it's normal, don't worry). What would happen if she contacted you? It would just rekindle all your hopes and desires, you'd hope and pray and think that it's all getting better now. And yes, you'd feel great for the moment, because the pleasure centre of your brain would get its fix. But what happens next? What happens when nothing really changed and she still doesn't know you? It's like breaking up all over again. It's easy to believe that a little is better than nothing, but when you get dumped and the other person doesn't want to be with you romantically, then nothing is far better than a little. true.. until he is over it. Then its okay to talk once ur over it all. Because at that point you wont really care. But at the moment he isnt fed up or over it yet. So he needs time to get fed up over it all so he moved on.
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