GlassParasol Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Hi all, I'm new here, but I realised this forum helps with break-ups and it appears that most of us have unfortunately been there. I'm already trying to move on and seeking help - but I do need more advice, even if my break-up appears nowhere near as bad as some. Apologies this is so long too. Basically, my relationship was a short-term one, and it had barely gotten off the ground before it crashed and burned. In May, I began seeing and then quickly getting into a relationship with someone whom I'd only been an acquaintance with before, after I found out we both had feelings and he wanted to pursue a relationship. For about a month everything was fine, and although I still initiated more contact, we saw each other regularly and had amazing dates. He really seemed to care for me and was always eager to see me. Then summer comes - we had a week without any dates due to being busy. Then at the last minute he cancels on a date we finally got planned (lack of funds) and when I texted him, he was very distant and cool - barely replying or taking ages to reply. We were away from home for about a week separately travelling also, but apart from that we could've easily seen each other despite that he was living further away for summer (15 min or so). After about nearly three weeks of no contact on his side - I'd given him some space too hoping that NC would give him the message - I'd had enough and rang him. He agreed to let me know when he'd be closer to his own home, which of course never happened. When I finally saw him after texting him the week after, he admitted he 'didn't know' whether he wanted the relationship, he was never there and it was unfair on me, which should've been the point where I finished with him due to his shaky responses. But somehow, he convinced me he still had feelings for me and we reconciled to a point. Later that week, we attended a personal party he'd invited me to before it all went wrong - I met his family, no less. And...he really appeared like the guy I'd be dating in the first place, all of his actions matched it and he told me what a great time he'd had with me... which felt so good but in the long run really screwed with my head also. I thought we'd finally fixed things, but another week went by and no contact - he ignored a text from me and then bizarrely seemed fine when I asked if we could meet up. Finally saw him later on (which he almost forgot to turn up to!) and after some coaxing, revealed he wasn't ready for a relationship/was always busy/never there, etc. He still wanted to be friends - which was a lie/pointless since it's been two and a half months of NC. I was so distraught even though I'd seen this coming and at the time it was very mutual (although now I realise he likely saw how unhappy I was with the BU). But I believe he wasn't ever fully aware of what he'd done or the damage he'd caused. As above, I was so subdued in the break up from how upset I was, it was only afterwards when the reality of it all kicked in. I still see him vaguely from working in the same place and we have mutual friends. I found out that apparently he was quite spiteful about me in an argument a few weeks ago, which shows more of his true colours. We’ve been in close proximity, but never talked. Done the usual - deleted his number, Facebook, etc. I'm slowly feeling better and filling my life with activities (gym, seeing friends, concert, work). But what I don't understand is, why is it so hard to move on? He's obviously not the guy I thought he was - in fact, I now feel like when we dated, he put on this 'act' for me - and I know he likely couldn't care less now. When I'm alone, I start to go down memory lane and remember the good times, although I'm aware of how much he messed things up. It's probably because this was my first proper relationship that I felt invested in and perhaps it's the feeling I miss more. Anyone else been through anything similar?
geegirl Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I'm sorry you had to go through that rollercoaster. It's not pleasant at all. I've had those rides with emotionally unavailable men and it can really mess with your heart and mind. It's hard to move on because you love him. While there was bad, there was also good. We often remember the good and forget the bad, and that always keeps you in a state of romanticizing the relationship and idealizing the ex. My gf said to me once, "It's normal that you love the jerk, but in time you'll see the error of your ways." You still have an attachment to him, an emotional bond. It will break as you give yourself time to heal. Right now, you're thinking with your heart rather than with your brain. So, it's perfectly normal that you still grieve that loss. Yes, they can put on an act. I was unfortunate enough to go through that with my ex. I had a hard time accepting the truth of who he was, and often times I could not piece things together because I had two conflicting perceptions of who I thought he was. Where was that guy I fell in love with and who is this guy infront of me now. It can damage you. But it looks like you are on the right track and it is going to take some time before you find yourself in a state of indifference. It's great that you are taking steps to rebuild yourself again. Just give yourself more time and you will one day look back at this as a lesson and a blessing.
Author GlassParasol Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Firstly, thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you had to go through that rollercoaster. It's not pleasant at all. I've had those rides with emotionally unavailable men and it can really mess with your heart and mind. No, it's really not. I'm sorry you have experienced this too - I'll never understand how some people can suddenly end up treating their partner like this - or worse, they think it's completely normal to. I agree, it really messes you up. It's hard to move on because you love him. While there was bad, there was also good. We often remember the good and forget the bad, and that always keeps you in a state of romanticizing the relationship and idealizing the ex. My gf said to me once, "It's normal that you love the jerk, but in time you'll see the error of your ways." You still have an attachment to him, an emotional bond. It will break as you give yourself time to heal. Right now, you're thinking with your heart rather than with your brain. So, it's perfectly normal that you still grieve that loss. I'm frustrated to still feel this about him, but you're right, I really do have those feelings still. I think it's the person I believed he was more than anything else. Plus, how I felt for him then coupled with what he gave me seemed really intense. Yes, this is where memory lane comes in. Your gf makes a lot of sense there. I think dealing with feelings is the hardest, since as you said, I'm still listening to my heart on the matter. It's a frustrating mix, since on the other side, my brain is reminding me that he's no good, doesn't deserve me and likely if we'd continued, I would've been miserable. I do believe that I can break it though, however gradual it may be. Yes, they can put on an act. I was unfortunate enough to go through that with my ex. I had a hard time accepting the truth of who he was, and often times I could not piece things together because I had two conflicting perceptions of who I thought he was. Where was that guy I fell in love with and who is this guy infront of me now. It can damage you. He honestly did, especially since I found out how spiteful he'd been about me. I feel now almost exactly as you do in terms of not being able to make sense of it. For me, I have the 'guy who never was' in my head, who I still love. Then when I see the current/real him in person, my emotions feel anything from mild discomfort to anger depending on what thoughts jump to mind. I just hope it lessens soon, since it is messing my head up. Due to circumstances, I think I will have to accept it's likely that I will continue to see him around at points in the near future and find a balance where I can vaguely acknowledge his presence and not be bothered about it. But it looks like you are on the right track and it is going to take some time before you find yourself in a state of indifference. It's great that you are taking steps to rebuild yourself again. Just give yourself more time and you will one day look back at this as a lesson and a blessing. Thank you. I am trying my best to rebuild myself up and not to dwell on my situation as much. Although I do get setbacks occasionally, I am confident I will eventually get through this and can only continue to improve myself and find happiness within.
geegirl Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 You have the right mindset, the determination to want better for yourself and the ability to at least see him for who he is. You've already won half the battle. Keep going and don't let setbacks be any indication to you that you're headed in the wrong direction. It's normal for these feelings to come in waves and it's part and parcel of the healing process. You're doing great and a source of inspiration to those that don't quite believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Keep going! 1
Author GlassParasol Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 You have the right mindset, the determination to want better for yourself and the ability to at least see him for who he is. You've already won half the battle. Keep going and don't let setbacks be any indication to you that you're headed in the wrong direction. It's normal for these feelings to come in waves and it's part and parcel of the healing process. You're doing great and a source of inspiration to those that don't quite believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Keep going! Late and quicky reply, but thank you! I'm glad to see that I'm heading in the right direction. You're right, feelings come and go and it's just a natural part of everything. I think one thing I can say is that I don't feel too worse off in myself for what happened. Sure I'm hurt, but I know during the relationship I tried my best to make it work. Yes, I am determined to heal myself fully and I do know that in the grand scheme of things, my ex is just a minor bump in the road. Shame my heart can't fully see that yet, haha. Hopefully in time.
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