thier Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 So I've been friends with this guy for the last 3 years and in the last year we have been having a sexual relationship. Initially I thought it would just be a sex thing but I have since developed feelings for him. I asked him where we stood relationship-wise and he says he doesn't want it to be a serious thing because we both know it will have to end in two years due to external circumstances. He says he doesn't want to settle down until his mid thirties. He asks can't we just keep it light and enjoy reality as it is? The bottom line is we both really enjoy each other's company and I know he is not using me for sex. We would hang out either way. Both in our mid twenties, btw. Now I am inclined to agree with everything he says. Before I got close to him I was of the opinion that you should not tie yourself down with anyone until your thirties, because it limits your freedom at a time in your life when you're making the most important decisions about your career, etc. But hearing his opinion on the matter makes me think we should just end it now, because otherwise I'll get too attached to him, probably more attached than he is, considering I'm a woman. It will most likely end in 2 years, because I'm living abroad now, and will have to return home then. What are people's opinion on this sort of thing? Part of me is saying, I enjoy his company so much, why do I have to think ahead and worry about what will happen in the future? But the other side of me is saying that I will be devastated when the inevitable separation happens, and I'll regret continuing with him when I knew it was not going anywhere. PS. Neither of us are the type that dates a lot, or even socialises much, so there's an even greater danger of getting too attached. I have tried to end it twice before and we lasted about a month before we couldn't bear it anymore and were back in each other's arms.
Els Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 It depends on what you want out of a relationship. I personally have never seen the point in being in one that has a definite expiration date. That does not mean that I need to know that it'll last forever, right now, but I want the option for 'forever' to be there, as opposed to a 'we must definitely part in two years' thing. On the other hand, if you have no problems having a casual relationship and living totally in the moment knowing that there would never be a chance of this R going anywhere, then it would make sense to continue. Why are you so absolutely certain that you must absolutely leave him in 2 years' time, though? Is it not possible that you will change your mind about leaving? That there could be other alternatives? That you could do long distance for a time?
Emilia Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 So I've been friends with this guy for the last 3 years and in the last year we have been having a sexual relationship. Initially I thought it would just be a sex thing but I have since developed feelings for him. I asked him where we stood relationship-wise and he says he doesn't want it to be a serious thing because we both know it will have to end in two years due to external circumstances. He says he doesn't want to settle down until his mid thirties. He asks can't we just keep it light and enjoy reality as it is? The bottom line is we both really enjoy each other's company and I know he is not using me for sex. We would hang out either way. Both in our mid twenties, btw. What is the external circumstance?
Author thier Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 What is the external circumstance? I will graduate from a PhD then and will be at a crossroad.
KathyM Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I vote that you put him back to a friendship status without the sex if that is possible. Sex does complicate things and causes you to develop more intense feelings for him, and would make it harder for you to leave. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 The problem in this circumstance is, that as a woman you will most likely twist the situation and circumstance so that you can see some thread of "hope", then you'll continue on that route even If it's a miniscule possibility and put the reality to the back of your mind for the sake of "enjoying the moment". You have two options in my opinion, I'm not sure you're capable of since you're already getting more and more attached just because.. 1) You leave him/separate and put the world back into friendship status or acquaintance and speak with him casually and remain platonic. But you'll need some distance first which may cause you to break down and just give in anyway, you'll have to resist that If you mean what you say, or you'll just be taken for a love fool..which for men means easy to control. 2) Actually believe what he is saying and not let your emotions get in the way of contorting and twisting that reality into some kind of promise, and act accordingly. Face the circumstance that you will be torn and heartbroken but until that time comes you'll not continuously bring up the subject and act bitter towards it. It seems convenient for both of you to continue on this path due to your situation, but that in no way means it's the only option and what you should do automatically because so, that's just you trying to make excuses and assure yourself why you need each other...trust me, you survived without each other before you met....you'll survive again. As a woman you will likely regret your emotional investment because it's not reciprocated, you will feel like everything meant something, and your perspective of the relationship because, of your elevated emotions, will be completely different. As a man he'll enjoy your time and company just as it is, caring about you as a person and having some emotional investment but not anywhere in the In-love arena. In fact a man can pursue this route sadly enough because he knows he can control his emotional investment with you and he's already classified the role you'll fill in his life...expecting that to change would be like demanding him to feel a way he does not truly feel. The only way to achieve that would be becoming someone else. He's already made it clear in so many words he wants nothing long-term with you, you're a FWB at best, someone he may develop more feelings and care for, but nothing that's going to derail his ultimate plan/goal. Listen to what men are telling you instead of becoming self-absorbed in your own emotions...that's a number one mistake that women make, and then they feel strung along and used just because they have an elevated emotional feeling towards the situation and are constantly reminded in so many ways that this man still feels the same way that he says and he acts accordingly...yet they continue to get frustrated, you'll think that "how can he does this or that and not feel this way...I feel it and believe in it". Well that's your own mind and emotions playing tricks on you, It's your way as a woman becoming more invested and connected with a man...which IMO is more of a nature type thing than "true love"...If you even believe in that, which IF you do I'd think you'd have more expectations than this, but then again It seems for a lot of women something like that is just built...since they desire so much security, stability and trust in their relationships.
xxoo Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 He asks can't we just keep it light and enjoy reality as it is? Is it truly light now? Are you both dating others?
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