She has lots of male friends...and facebook

[phineas]

Not necessarily. They may just want a woman that doesn't have a lot of male friends. It's okay for a man to want that.

 

Many men also have a natural instinct to protect their woman, whether you think you need protection or not. They don't like the idea that men are using her, manipulating her & getting off on her sexual energy. They don't want other men to objectify and exploit her like that. And when she allows that, or acts naive with the "they don't see me like that" BS, I can understand why that would upset a guy. He's either thinking, Why does she need so much attention? or Can she really be that dumb? I can see why a guy has a valid reason to not want a woman like that.

 

But a woman also has the right to show him the door and find a guy that is fine with her having lots of guy "friends".

 

Well, in my experience women with lots of guy "friends" are the type of women who get used for sex for 6 to 8 months then get dumped.

Rinse/repeat & are now my age 40 never married.

 

This is because most player types can pick these types of women out & know their just for fun.

[oldshirt]

I am a woman and I have a lot of guy friends. Now, most would say that the reason that guys are a woman's friend is because they really want to have sex with them. True? Well, yes, because they are men and that's what they are wired to do. But I've encountered some guys who I have dated who are very uncomfortable with the fact that I have so many men friends. Some have said they don't like them at all. Well, that's tough.

 

If the person does not accept the fact that you have a lot of friends who are guys, they are jealous and insecure.

 

Think about this.

 

It's all a matter of context and degrees. It's not always about jealousy or insecurity. Some things are perfectly reasonable and legit and somethings are a red flag.

 

There's nothing wrong with anyone having friends of the opposite sex. Friends are good. Having friends is normal and healthy.

 

Where it gets fishy is context. If you are seeing some gal and she has a group of friends she hangs out with and she wants to introduce them to you or bring you into her little circle of friends and you hang out her and her guy friends and THEIR GIRLFRIENDS/WIVES etc that is great.

 

But when some gal has a little constellation of single satelites all orbiting around her and taking her out for drinks and dinners and dancing and partying etc and spending alone time with her and she is intentionally leaving you out of the mix and giving you flimsy at best stories on why she can't bring you along then there is good grounds for concern.

 

It's fine for people to multi-date and it's fine for people to keep their options open and stay on the market untill they are both ready to be exclusive but having someone telling you that they are only dating you but at the same time carrying on like described above is a good reason to dig a little deeper and to keep your guard up.

 

That's not jealousy and that's not insecurity, that is just street-smarts. That's just someone peeing on your shoes and telling you that you are standing in the rain.

 

Phineas and Quiet Storm are right. The people who do this kind of thing are often playing both sides of the fence and are just hedging their bets. Their back up plans have back up plans.

 

As a guy you know when other guys are waiting in the wings for an opening to bang your GF and you know that she is keeping them on reserve and on the shelf for just such an occasion.

 

Eventually on one of their little 'friends' outings she's going to have a little too much to drink. Eventually the flirtation and seduction are going to go a little too far. Eventually she's not going to be feeling the love or may be needing a little ego boost, or maybe she'll just be ovulating and get a little hornyness spike and wallah one of the orbiters just happens to right there will a willing pair of shoulders for her to prop her ankles up on.

 

People have the right to do what they want and go out with whoever they want and they have the right to keep the company of who they want.

 

But guys also have the right to not want to date someone that keeps several layers of back-up plans, substitutes, fill-ins and surrogates on speed-dial just waiting for the perfect moment to call in the reserves too.

 

And sometimes it not jealousy or insecurity. sometimes it's just not wanting to deal that degree of competition and replaceability.

[phineas]

I'd also like to add to Old Shirts response that i'm willing to bet if OP went out with women friends she's have a fricken conniption.

 

Because the women I dated like this who had ton's of guy friends who want to sleep with her that she hung out with all but accused me of being a cheater because I went out with friends & didn't tell them or didn't respond when I was out.

 

Or all but accused me of lieing about where I was when they asked me.

 

WTF?!?!

I'm controlling if I don't like their going out with guys I don't know yet i'm not allowed to talk to any women at all & their not controlling? LOL!

 

Yes, I told them to F-off.

[Jane2011]

Haven't read the whole thread, just the original post and a few of the first responses.

 

A woman like her would kinda get on my nerves, frankly. But I don't think she's a bad person for wanting attention.

 

Sounds a little too much for me, anyway. If I were a guy, I'd want a woman who were maybe not so social and into partying.

 

One thing in her defense though. There are men who will continue to hit on you like you're single even if they know you have a man and are devoted.

 

If my current boyfriend saw my phone, he'd see interactions with approximately three males other than him. Two are pretty much just friendly. "How's teaching?" "Where did you apply for that fellowship?" "Did you hear so and so is engaged?" -- just socializing with males. The other person is asking me to go eat with him and do stuff with him even though he knows I have a boyfriend. He's even seen said boyfriend in person, etc. I ignore most of his texts, but he texts back anyway. Then I say "Oh hey, how are you?" Then he texts four times that I ignore. Then I say, "Oh happy birthday." Then he texts back four times that I ignore. Kind of that pattern.

 

Just as I posted this, the guy texted, "Hey beautiful, how are you?" And this is after I'd ignored his previous three texts. See what I'm saying? Some men do that.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Jane2011

[Pompom]

Pompom- In my opinion, a young woman who is not overweight does not have to be beautiful for men to want them sexually.

But who said I'm not overweight?

 

You're trying to condone bad behavior such as lying and being sneaky.

It's not bad when it serves the well-being of everyone involved. If you just wanna hang out with friends and have some non-sexual fun, and you know your partner is a jealous drama queen, what's so bad about not flipping their drama switch by giving them drama-able intel? How would it be bad, for example, of my friend to not tell her violently jealous boyfriend that she is seeing an old friend who happens to be male, while he is at work and has no quality time to spend with her, or envy her friends for? If she knows her boyfriend will hunt him down and break his jaw, while not telling him would cause nothing, except everyone's mind being at rest?

[todreaminblue]

I do think she needs and likes the attention. Not sure how I feel about that. I have noticed she seems to be scared, afraid if you will to be alone.

 

One night last week she surprised me and came over around 10:30PM on a school night for her daughter. She has never done this. She had made arrangements for her daugher. She had an after hours work meeting and also said "I met <insert name> for dinner" after the meeting, and then came over to my house. It just felt weird that she met him for dinner, and did not consider inviting me. Not sure why that bugs me.

 

This is the 2nd time with this male friend, that I know of. Another time she met him out for drinks and came over to my house afterwards.

 

 

I dont think it is right when in a relationship to go out with other men friends or get texts from men friends that imply a good night had by all...it is strange ....in saying that i would talk to your lady friend and find out where you stand....

 

i have men friends i don't go out with them for dinner and i am single.....i go out with my girlfriends have a good time and come home alone.....even fi i were to meet up with old men friends i would not pursue a close friendship if i had a partner.but that's me...dinner to me is a date that you have after a few dates so just doesn't seem right....but i am a bit old skool when it comes to that.....i don't know how long you have been in a relationship with this lady....but i think talking to her is your best option....it could be totally innocent.....sometimes when situations aren't discussed they become bigger than what they should be and they sit and stew in your mind until you have this hot pot of a scenario that may or may not be real.As far as face book goes.....does she update alot?

 

I have friends on facebook who are male.....mainly from my school days.....i hardly ever go on there i check up on my girls though and their boy aquaintancess....they have on their page.... so does your girlfriend update regularly.....and do these males post on her page???.....deb

[Babolat]

Great feedback, thanks.

 

I talked to her about it this morning. There are 3 total, one is married and she has been trying to schedule a dinner for the 4 of us to meet (his wife and myself), the other she considers a brother, her daughter even calls him Uncle and she has told me stories of him doing things with her family and her last boyfriend. The 3rd she has seen 2 times in 6+ months dating me, and in both cases she came to see me afterwards. One was 2 hours for drinks at a bar, the 2nd was a quick dinner 2 weeks ago. She states all of them know me and she talks to them about me. She states all 3 have been good friends for over 15 years. I asked if I could meet them and she said absolutley, she wants me to meet them. If any of them concern me it's the 3rd guy, as he is single, my age, has a daughter close to her daughters age, successful career (me too), good looking guy, I don't know his interest. I asked her if he had ever hit on her and she said no, they are just good friends and she values the friendship.

 

She regularly posts pictures of us on facebook (I will not facebook friend her), as recent as yesterday. I know as she posted 2 in front of me yesterday and showed me the Comments. Lots of warm comments like "you are a great couple", etc.

 

She likes to go out with her girlfriends and drink. It's usually the same group. She invited me out tonight and I said no, enjoy, I prefer to go home. She understood, asked again, I said no again, she said would miss me and even texted me a photo of us on my way home from her place.

 

Last night we were out, I had 5 - 6 beers, she had 4 - 5 glasses of wine (over about a 4 hour period), it was around 10PM, her gang wanted to keep going, hit other bars, she said no, she wanted to go home with me, I told her to go have fun, she said No, she wanted to be with me. She was even trying to say No when we as a group were talking about going out in the first place..I simply did not pick up on it. We talked about it later. So, I do see small adjustments. In fact when I left he place today she asked if I wanted to come over one night this week and have dinner and spend the night. It's usually just weekends for us.

 

Are we a match? Mostly. The drinking and partying will be an issue. I am playing it cool and calm right now, keeping my emotions in check, and watching to see if it increases, stays the same or decreases.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Not necessarily.

Many men also have a natural instinct to protect their woman, whether you think you need protection or not. They don't like the idea that men are using her, manipulating her & getting off on her sexual energy. They don't want other men to objectify and exploit her like that. And when she allows that, or acts naive with the "they don't see me like that" BS, I can understand why that would upset a guy. He's either thinking, Why does she need so much attention? or Can she really be that dumb? I can see why a guy has a valid reason to not want a woman like that.

 

Well said, and I am that protective type, and I have shard this concern with her when she is out late drinking with her friends. She has tried to comfort me by stating it's her good friends (female) and it's not that way. I told her it's the unknown guy who "shows up for the party" that concerns me. She said she understands.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Update: Relationship ended this weekend, long story.

 

Thanks for all of the great feedback here. This one hurts as with the exception of her drinking lifestyle we are a beautiful match and I am missing her badly.

[irc333]

Just curious, do you even go with her to dance? I find it odd that a woman would go to nightclubs, and the boyfriend isn't with her. If nightclubs aren't your thing, you two probably aren't compatible...well, at least I know I wouldn't be compatible with such a woman.

 

I'm just curious why you're not joining her.

 

 

I have been dating a girl for 6 months. We are both in our 40s. Me, divorced for 1.5+ years. Her, ended a 6+ year LTR in October of last year, we met 5 months after that.

 

She is probably the most beautiful, gorgeous, vuluptuos woman I have ever dated. I know she gets hit on and I see men look at her when we go out. She dresses appropriately, just so happens she has a fantastic body and no matter what she wears it shows.

 

She is a party girl, likes to go out with her girlfriends and drink most weekends. Sometimes she will spend the night with them (some are married, some are not) if she has drank too much.

 

I have never been the jealous or insecure type so this is a new feeling for me.

 

She is reconnecting with a lot of her old freinds as she recently moved back into town after ending a LTR where she lived out of town with him. Some of these are male, single friends. She has told me that most of her male friends have hit on her, that she has a rule, do it once, I warn you, do it twice we are not friends. Seems fair to me.

 

I have not facebooked her as I do not want to see these friends nor do I want to learn more about her "electronically". What I can see on her facebook are great photos of her having fun with girlfriends, where men post comments like "you are hot","your are gorgeous", "Looking good". She replies Thank You.

 

She has made it clear she is with me and I know and feel that.

 

This past weekend she went out with some girlfriends, bar hoping, and she told me she ran into a couple of male friends she has not seen in a while, even told me their names. She was at my house the next night. Her phone was on my coutertop, it buzzed, lit up, I looked down as it surprised me, and I saw a text from one of these men saying "I had a great time last night, lets do it again". This just feels odd to me. I do not have a female friend who would send me a text like this. Plus, I feel like she is hiding this from me, though she does not "report" to me and does not have to tell me about this.

 

She also still has at least one photo on her facebook page that I can see of her and her last LTR, hugging, holding hands, a warm photo. I never mentioned it until this weekend. She said she thought she had deleted all of them. It's been 6 days and the photo is still there.

 

I have kept quiet about her male friends. I don't ask questions. She will tell me she had dinner with them, I know they pay as funds are tight for her right now. One texts her everyday and sometimes they talk everyday. She told me he is like a brother to her and I have even heard her daughter refer to him as "Uncle".

 

I am not use to dating someone who has male friends and gets this kind of "attention" from them.

 

I do not want to talk to her as it will show my insecrutiy. And, in a way it's not jealousy or insecurity...it's more why has she not introduced me to these men and why does she have so many male friends? And, I am concerned about what may be a transition period for her, where she is reconnecting with a lot of old friends, partying, having fun, and it's not clear to me where I fit and where these male friends fit. I have already been thru "my transition" from a LTR ending, and I feel like maybe she is still going thru hers.

 

Just feeling a little uneasy here...looking for some feedback.

[Babolat]

Just curious, do you even go with her to dance? I find it odd that a woman would go to nightclubs, and the boyfriend isn't with her. If nightclubs aren't your thing, you two probably aren't compatible...well, at least I know I wouldn't be compatible with such a woman.

 

I'm just curious why you're not joining her.

 

Yes, I have, and she does (I guess "did" invite me now that it's over) invite me, unless it was a girls nite out, and even one time then she asked if I wanted to meet up with her. She even invited me last Sunday to go out with her to a bar to meet her friends. I was not up for it and said No, as that would have been 3 nites in a row of drinking for me, which I cannot do.

 

I like to dance, I like clubs, just not every weekend, both nights, kind of thing.

[irc333]

Yes, I have, and she does (I guess "did" invite me now that it's over) invite me, unless it was a girls nite out, and even one time then she asked if I wanted to meet up with her. She even invited me last Sunday to go out with her to a bar to meet her friends. I was not up for it and said No, as that would have been 3 nites in a row of drinking for me, which I cannot do.

 

I like to dance, I like clubs, just not every weekend, both nights, kind of thing.

 

Meh, don't think I could date a woman that'd do that every weekend, does she have anything else better to do? Any hobbies? Like hiking, kayaking, movie night, etc?

 

There are some women I know that don't go ANYWHERE (well, at least socially amongst group of people) without her man.

[Babolat]

Meh, don't think I could date a woman that'd do that every weekend, does she have anything else better to do? Any hobbies? Like hiking, kayaking, movie night, etc?

 

There are some women I know that don't go ANYWHERE (well, at least socially amongst group of people) without her man.

 

Yes, and that was part of my initial attraction to her. She said she liked to hike, kayak, run, workout, bike, outdoorsy type. She loves movies, but more DVDs on the couch, not going out to the movies.

 

In 6+ month we have hiked twice, once was this weekend, biked once, no kayaking, 2-3 long walks and nothing else adventerous, though we did go sailing once.

 

I have kind of been bored, as entertainment for her is going out at night to a bar or to someones house to party or drinking at my house, not every night, though it's now up to 2+ nights a week, sometimes 4+. I backed off doing this with her, she has continued, and by her own admission this weekend she knows she is drinking more and more, it's on her mind, she is analyzing why, she was not ready to talk about it, which led to her getting upset with me for asking more than one time, which led to us ending things.

 

She is going thru a lot of life transitions right now, and has been since I met her. I think this is part of what I am seeing.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Babolat

[Babolat]

To my earlier Facebook comments, this is definitely her:

 

Women who post lots of photos of themselves on Facebook value appearance, need attention, study finds - Los Angeles Times

 

Drove me nuts, every time went went to a social event it was lots of photos, then get them on FB as fast as she could.

[irc333]

To my earlier Facebook comments, this is definitely her:

 

Women who post lots of photos of themselves on Facebook value appearance, need attention, study finds - Los Angeles Times

 

Drove me nuts, every time went went to a social event it was lots of photos, then get them on FB as fast as she could.

 

Yeah, if a woman has more pictures of HERSELF than of her friends and family, she's definitely a serious narcissist

[Babolat]

Yeah, if a woman has more pictures of HERSELF than of her friends and family, she's definitely a serious narcissist

 

It is an equal mix (the public ones I can see), her friends, her family, herself, her and I (I am not Facebooked to her so no idea if she has deleted them yet). Mostly photos of her having fun.