Pompom Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 What???? There must be a huge difference between Israel & Baltimore. My son's a junior in HS and if any guy, friend or not, came up behind him and dry humped him, dude would get punched in the face. To each his own, though. Well first off those friends largely weren't in Israel or Israeli, and secondly, yes, Israelis are way different than Americans I can see Pompom, as a college girl, thinking the attractive female/ male "friend" dynamic is innocent. But being in her 40s, your woman has to realize this by now. IMO, she is getting off on the attention, whether she admits it or not. These guys are stroking her ego. First of all, I'm not sure I was attractive to my guy friends, and if I was, then they considered everything attractive because I wasn't the only target of such humor. Attractiveness is subjective and vague, and just because one person is worried that this woman's attractiveness my cause trouble, doesn't mean she's attractive to her guy friends. On the contrary, a person in love may see attractiveness and beauty where everyone else sees a train wreck. Pompom: I don't know if you're genuine or conniving. You make a good argument but it does come across like manipulation with your reasons for being sneaky. Why?
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 You have no right to try to change her or to try to curtail or control her activities. I don't, never have, never will. She has the space and freedom to do what she wants and I have told her this. She is probably the one wanting a more serious relationship with me. I am just being cautious at this point.
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 When I was married, and at a party with other close couple friends, it was not unusual for one of the wives to be a little tipsy and be flirty with me..dancing, sitting on my lap, grabbing my butt...this never bothered me nor did it bother the husband. I did not see it as her wanting to have sex with me...more feeling comfortable and having fun. My ex use to like to wrestle with one of the husbands, who was a good friend, I saw it as harmless, not sexual. In fact, at a recent party at my house with my brother and his girlfriend, she was drunk and being flirty. I saw it as harmless. That is not an apples to apples comparison and does not apply to this situation. If a couple goes to a party together and they flirt and frolic, it is something they are doing TOGETHER and then they are going home together. It's something they do as a couple. Even if things were getting sexually charged the spouses are there to keep things grounded in reality and under control. This is an entirely different situation in that she is doing this on her own without you in the picture at all.
truth_seeker Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Why? You're trying to condone bad behavior such as lying and being sneaky.
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Here's why, it shows a couple different things. One is that she doesn't want you to know what she is really doing with This is 100% related to drinking heavy, nothing more, nothing less. The first time I saw her drink heavy I flipped out and she said she does not want to have to feel judged like that again. To her credit, I did flip out, I was disrespectful and rude, and I should have waited to talk to her the next day, versus when she was drinking heavy. Instead I made a scene, in private, with her.
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 That is not an apples to apples comparison and does not apply to this situation. If a couple goes to a party together and they flirt and frolic, it is something they are doing TOGETHER and then they are going home together. It's something they do as a couple. Even if things were getting sexually charged the spouses are there to keep things grounded in reality and under control. This is an entirely different situation in that she is doing this on her own without you in the picture at all. Good point I have told her I would like to at least be invited, I may say no, but I would like to be invited. She said she understood.
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 . I have never gotten the impression she is hiding anything from me nor am I concerned about her. My concern is with them, like you said, as she likes to drink, sometimes too much, and I worry about what "could" happen to her should one of these men try to take advantage of her. OK time for another reality check. She is not a naive 16 year old who is having some of her first exposure to alcohol by sneaking into a fraternity party, getting stumbling drunk and getting gangbanged by a bunch of frat rats. She is a grown woman who is aware of and in control of her own sexuality, who knows her limits on alcohol and is aware of how people act under the influence of alcohol. She is making a conscious choice to go out and drink and party with men she knows darn well are wanting to bend her over and give it to her in the back door the first chance they get. This is not the 1950s and this is not June Cleaver. This is a career party girl who has never been married, has a long history of broken relationships (all of them which happen to conveniently be the other persons fault because they were "controlling") If she gets drunk and banged in a restroom stall of the bar by a "friend" it is by her hand and something that is the clear result of a process and a chain of events that she is fully knowledgable about and consenting to. It is NOT a case of being "taken Advantage of." 1
Later82012 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 She is probably the one wanting a more serious relationship with me. At this point I don't think she is very serious about you IMO.
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 This is 100% related to drinking heavy, nothing more, nothing less. The first time I saw her drink heavy I flipped out and she said she does not want to have to feel judged like that again. To her credit, I did flip out, I was disrespectful and rude, and I should have waited to talk to her the next day, versus when she was drinking heavy. Instead I made a scene, in private, with her. OK another reality check. I have been around a lot of alcoholics, druggies, town drunks, crack whores, town sluts, you name it. All of them hated being judged by people who were not alcoholics, druggies and sluts. Drunks know they're drunks and they don't like people looking down their noses at them. They are uncomfortable around people who are not wallowing in the mud with them. You were not disrespectfull and rude, you were discusted and turned off by something that you find distastefull and inappropriate. You were in the right. she was counterattacking because drunks don't fire on all cylinders and got defensive because you were "judging" her. You capitulated and apologized for hurting her drunken feelings and have handed her your balls so she doesn't get angry and think bad thoughts about you again. ....That is called ENABLING. and if you choose to live a life of an enabler you have a whole world of hurt waiting to come down you. 1
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 She is making a conscious choice to go out and drink and party with men she knows darn well are wanting to bend her over and give it to her in the back door the first chance they get. She is not partying and getting drunk with the male friends I speak of. She like to go out with her girlfriends and I have gone out with her some of the times, not all of the times though.
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 You were not disrespectfull and rude, you were discusted and turned off by something that you find distastefull and inappropriate. You are spot on here, that is how I felt. I was disgusted and it was very unattractive to me.
sydneysider1978 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Good grief... Your lady sounds great and like she is being very honest with you. I work in a male dominated industry so have loads of male friends that are very dear to me. I'm sure there had been times when they have thought about me sexually and vice-versa but I would never ruin the relationship or jeppordise one of my own. I saw that she works in business development which explains a lot. It's her job to build connections and be sociable. She wouldn't get very far if she wasn't highly skilled at gracefully deflecting unwanted attention. It could be a big of a problem if you two have such different levels of sociability. Would you like to meet some if her friends? Can you handle her having a big chunk of her time socialising without you?
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Good grief... Your lady sounds great and like she is being very honest with you. I work in a male dominated industry so have loads of male friends that are very dear to me. I'm sure there had been times when they have thought about me sexually and vice-versa but I would never ruin the relationship or jeppordise one of my own. I saw that she works in business development which explains a lot. It's her job to build connections and be sociable. She wouldn't get very far if she wasn't highly skilled at gracefully deflecting unwanted attention. It could be a big of a problem if you two have such different levels of sociability. Would you like to meet some if her friends? Can you handle her having a big chunk of her time socialising without you? I have met a lot of her friends and I like them all. They are heavy drinkers, which I am not, though they are good people. And I can tell they all really like her. In fact quite a few have come up to me to tell me what a great person she is and how happy she is with me. She does describe herself as a social butterfly, and I see it at parties and social settings. She loves to bounce around and talk to everyone. Even with my own family and friends. I AM more conservative socially then her and I have social fears, not afraid to admit that. A little alocohol usually loosens me up though. I think she is afraid to introduce me to some of her "crazier" friends as she is concerned I will judge them, and her behavior around them (singling, dancing, hooting and hollaring, drinking heavy, etc).
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 She is truly the first girl I have met since my divorce that I care about, I like, I have feelings for and we just get along well. I think this is a big part of what is taking place here for you. You met someone that made your heart go pitter-pat and you were starting to feel alive and vigorous and virile again and that is all fine and great. But now you've been dating for 6 months and the veneer is starting to wear off and the skeletons are starting thump around in the closet. This is why we date people before we become heavily invested in them. this is why it is important to spend a lot of time with someone and really dig under the surface before we get legally bonded with them or for God sake's have children with them or expose our previous children to them. I'm not saying she is an alky or slut or a bad person. I'm not saying what she is doing is wrong or not within her rights. What I am urging you to do is open your eyes and look below the surface and see past the polished veneer and see her for who and what she really is and accept the reality of what is really here and now. Not what you wish she was. And not what you wish things can be in the future but for how things really are NOW. Then be truly honest with yourself on if this person is really who you want to be with and if this is how you really want to live. You asked for people's opinions. My opinion is that there are some legitimate red flags here and some valid concerns that need to be addressed. It is also of my opinion that you are being strung along and duped a little bit and given some lines here just to appease you and keep you from seeing what is really happening here. My advice is to keep your options open, keep yourself on the market and keep looking (SHE OBVIOUSLY IS DESPITE WHAT SHE SAYS) and dont' get any more emotionally or financially invested with this gal. She has shown through her actions and reactions that she is a very very high risk. 1
sydneysider1978 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Ooops, I didn't see the post about her heavy drinking... That's another matter. But, I have always been 100% faithful and always will be. If a guy I'd been dating was so insecure he asked me to stop seeing my guy friends, I would tell him to bugger off.
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 I think this is a big part of what is taking place here for you. You met someone that made your heart go pitter-pat and you were starting to feel alive and vigorous and virile again and that is all fine and great. But now you've been dating for 6 months and the veneer is starting to wear off and the skeletons are starting thump around in the closet. This is why we date people before we become heavily invested in them. this is why it is important to spend a lot of time with someone and really dig under the surface before we get legally bonded with them or for God sake's have children with them or expose our previous children to them. I'm not saying she is an alky or slut or a bad person. I'm not saying what she is doing is wrong or not within her rights. What I am urging you to do is open your eyes and look below the surface and see past the polished veneer and see her for who and what she really is and accept the reality of what is really here and now. Not what you wish she was. And not what you wish things can be in the future but for how things really are NOW. Then be truly honest with yourself on if this person is really who you want to be with and if this is how you really want to live. You asked for people's opinions. My opinion is that there are some legitimate red flags here and some valid concerns that need to be addressed. It is also of my opinion that you are being strung along and duped a little bit and given some lines here just to appease you and keep you from seeing what is really happening here. My advice is to keep your options open, keep yourself on the market and keep looking (SHE OBVIOUSLY IS DESPITE WHAT SHE SAYS) and dont' get any more emotionally or financially invested with this gal. She has shown through her actions and reactions that she is a very very high risk. Well said, and I agree. I have cooled it off a bit with the emotions, I am not spending money on her like I use to and I am not spending as much time as i use to with her. She is not dating, I know her well enough and I do trust her. I also do not want to date. If it ends, I will take a break and then jump back in when it feels right.
Author Babolat Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Ooops, I didn't see the post about her heavy drinking... That's another matter. But, I have always been 100% faithful and always will be. If a guy I'd been dating was so insecure he asked me to stop seeing my guy friends, I would tell him to bugger off. I would never asked her to stop.
Later82012 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 If a guy I'd been dating was so insecure he asked me to stop seeing my guy friends, I would tell him to bugger off. I am sure you would, but I am also sure if you found someone that you really really want to be with and felt that he is the one for you, you would automatically stop seeing them without him asking you to for fear of losing him.
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 If a guy I'd been dating was so insecure he asked me to stop seeing my guy friends, I would tell him to bugger off. It's not always insecurity. Insecurity is when your partner lives a completely normal, average life and doesn't do anything of questionable nature, never gives you any reason to suspect that they've been up to foul play but yet you constantly check their phone/computer, call them multiple times a day to see where they are, keep track of the milage in their car, secretly install a GPS in their car to track them etc etc. Sometimes it's not about your dysfunction but rather the person and the relationship are not matching what you are wanting in a person or in a relationship. If you are home body, church going person that values togetherness and fidelity and shared values etc, are you going to want a partner that works in the porn industry and is out partying with porn stars till all hours of the night and day? Babalot does not seem to have an issue with her having guy friends. He frankly doesn't seem the least bit insecure or paranoid to me. If anything I think he is being a bit of a pushover and falling for people's lines of crap. He hasn't even said anything about asking her to stop seeing friends. I think he is just starting to get a little concerned that she is isolating him off from a significant portion of her life and she is spending time out drinking and partying with other dudes and keeping him excluded from that and giving him questionable at best reasons for doing so. I think he is questioning whether this is really a good fit for him or not. IHMO I think he has valid reason to do so. 2
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 She is not dating, . Going out alone to restaurants/bars and having people that want to bang you buy you drinks and dinners and spending evenings with them is dating. Maybe these 'dates' didn't really lead to anything major but it's still dating. Again, at minimum she is grooming and keeping a 'Plan B' on the shelf. in other words she is still on the market to a degree. And also again, she is within her right to do so. Just see it and call it for what it is.
oldshirt Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 If it ends, I will take a break and then jump back in when it feels right. That's fair. Just don't be duped and don't a pu$$y that women manipulate and push around. She may be good looking and she may be fun and she may be good in the sack. those are all good things. Just don't let them cloud your judgement and let you blow her up into anything bigger and better than what she really is. Just because someone is pretty and fun and gets your di(k so hard you can crack walnuts doesn't mean that they are always a good person or a good match for you and being pretty doesn't give anyone the right to BS you or treat you badly.
mortensorchid Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I am a woman and I have a lot of guy friends. Why? Because a lot of women I have been friends with in the past are jealous and bitchy. Now, most would say that the reason that guys are a woman's friend is because they really want to have sex with them. True? Well, yes, because they are men and that's what they are wired to do. But I've encountered some guys who I have dated who are very uncomfortable with the fact that I have so many men friends. Some have said they don't like them at all. Well, that's tough. If the person does not accept the fact that you have a lot of friends who are guys, they are jealous and insecure. The same would be if they had all women friends as well. They would find an excuse not to like them no matter what gender they are. Think about this.
Quiet Storm Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 First of all, I'm not sure I was attractive to my guy friends, and if I was, then they considered everything attractive because I wasn't the only target of such humor. Attractiveness is subjective and vague, and just because one person is worried that this woman's attractiveness my cause trouble, doesn't mean she's attractive to her guy friends. On the contrary, a person in love may see attractiveness and beauty where everyone else sees a train wreck. Pompom- In my opinion, a young woman who is not overweight does not have to be beautiful for men to want them sexually. Men can usually find something sexy about most women. They may have certain requirements for girlfriends, but I think most college guys like your friends can be sexually turned on by most physically fit college aged women, regardless of her face or personality. Your guy friends also flirt with other girls, not because they need lots of female friends, but because being around women, even as friends, creates a sexual tension (even if you don't feel it, too), that they enjoy. But anyway, the OP said she is hot and has a great body so it's clear she's attractive. He said she is voluptuous. She has curves in the right places. No doubt her guy friends are attracted to her. They are also spending money on her, taking her out. Men don't usually invest time & money for friendship only. They are hoping to get something out of the deal besides friendly conversation, whether it be now or years later when they break up. Realize that when she describes her old BF's as controlling, they may have just been guys like you that loved her and had issues with the male friends. I agree that if you keep this relationship going, just see it for what it is. Don't romanticize it. Accept her and what she is willing to offer you. If the bad begins to outweigh the good, you'll be done.
Quiet Storm Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 If the person does not accept the fact that you have a lot of friends who are guys, they are jealous and insecure. Not necessarily. They may just want a woman that doesn't have a lot of male friends. It's okay for a man to want that. Many men also have a natural instinct to protect their woman, whether you think you need protection or not. They don't like the idea that men are using her, manipulating her & getting off on her sexual energy. They don't want other men to objectify and exploit her like that. And when she allows that, or acts naive with the "they don't see me like that" BS, I can understand why that would upset a guy. He's either thinking, Why does she need so much attention? or Can she really be that dumb? I can see why a guy has a valid reason to not want a woman like that. But a woman also has the right to show him the door and find a guy that is fine with her having lots of guy "friends".
phineas Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I've dated women like this & if you actually like them it's pure aggravation. They say they want a relationship but still act like their single. They say their with you but nobody else seems to know. Basically their selfish, disrespectful, and dishonest. I seriously doubt she is telling you the truth about being out with her GF's. The one's I dated didn't. A normal woman would want to add a guy to FB to show him off to her friends in my experience. A woman like this doesn't because then it might scare off the other guys or they will stop paying for her. The only guy friends you will meet are the incredibly beta one's Enjoy the sex while you can because you will eventually get tired of her BS & she will dump you & tell the next chump how controlling you were.
Recommended Posts