She has lots of male friends...and facebook

[Babolat]

I have been dating a girl for 6 months. We are both in our 40s. Me, divorced for 1.5+ years. Her, ended a 6+ year LTR in October of last year, we met 5 months after that.

 

She is probably the most beautiful, gorgeous, vuluptuos woman I have ever dated. I know she gets hit on and I see men look at her when we go out. She dresses appropriately, just so happens she has a fantastic body and no matter what she wears it shows.

 

She is a party girl, likes to go out with her girlfriends and drink most weekends. Sometimes she will spend the night with them (some are married, some are not) if she has drank too much.

 

I have never been the jealous or insecure type so this is a new feeling for me.

 

She is reconnecting with a lot of her old freinds as she recently moved back into town after ending a LTR where she lived out of town with him. Some of these are male, single friends. She has told me that most of her male friends have hit on her, that she has a rule, do it once, I warn you, do it twice we are not friends. Seems fair to me.

 

I have not facebooked her as I do not want to see these friends nor do I want to learn more about her "electronically". What I can see on her facebook are great photos of her having fun with girlfriends, where men post comments like "you are hot","your are gorgeous", "Looking good". She replies Thank You.

 

She has made it clear she is with me and I know and feel that.

 

This past weekend she went out with some girlfriends, bar hoping, and she told me she ran into a couple of male friends she has not seen in a while, even told me their names. She was at my house the next night. Her phone was on my coutertop, it buzzed, lit up, I looked down as it surprised me, and I saw a text from one of these men saying "I had a great time last night, lets do it again". This just feels odd to me. I do not have a female friend who would send me a text like this. Plus, I feel like she is hiding this from me, though she does not "report" to me and does not have to tell me about this.

 

She also still has at least one photo on her facebook page that I can see of her and her last LTR, hugging, holding hands, a warm photo. I never mentioned it until this weekend. She said she thought she had deleted all of them. It's been 6 days and the photo is still there.

 

I have kept quiet about her male friends. I don't ask questions. She will tell me she had dinner with them, I know they pay as funds are tight for her right now. One texts her everyday and sometimes they talk everyday. She told me he is like a brother to her and I have even heard her daughter refer to him as "Uncle".

 

I am not use to dating someone who has male friends and gets this kind of "attention" from them.

 

I do not want to talk to her as it will show my insecrutiy. And, in a way it's not jealousy or insecurity...it's more why has she not introduced me to these men and why does she have so many male friends? And, I am concerned about what may be a transition period for her, where she is reconnecting with a lot of old friends, partying, having fun, and it's not clear to me where I fit and where these male friends fit. I have already been thru "my transition" from a LTR ending, and I feel like maybe she is still going thru hers.

 

Just feeling a little uneasy here...looking for some feedback.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Babolat

[Emilia]

I'm always in conflict when I read about stuff like this.

 

I have a lot of male friends on the one hand but on the other, I'm also aware that it might bother guys so I don't post provocative photos, don't flirt with them, just tease over silly stuff like a guy would that's completely non-sexual. I don't crave attention from friends, especially not when I'm seeing someone. I don't hang out with them one-on-one and definitely don't have dinner with them. So this is another woman's perspective.

 

She obviously likes attention, that doesn't make her a bad person. I can just about predict what the responses will be here from other men to your post though OP

[Babolat]

I do think she needs and likes the attention. Not sure how I feel about that. I have noticed she seems to be scared, afraid if you will to be alone.

 

One night last week she surprised me and came over around 10:30PM on a school night for her daughter. She has never done this. She had made arrangements for her daugher. She had an after hours work meeting and also said "I met <insert name> for dinner" after the meeting, and then came over to my house. It just felt weird that she met him for dinner, and did not consider inviting me. Not sure why that bugs me.

 

This is the 2nd time with this male friend, that I know of. Another time she met him out for drinks and came over to my house afterwards.

[Emilia]

How do you feel about her such obvious need for external validation?

[Pompom]

Being a jealous person, I can see your misgivings, but I think you should relax.

I think that even mixed gender friendship can be very close, but platonic nontheless. I have friends (male) who will sit on my lap, hug me, kiss me on the cheek, for laughs even on the mouth, walk holding hands, sometimes hit on me for fun, make sexual jokes and during sleepovers, we'd share the bed. But nothing ever happens and if I had a partner I would warn him and tell him that there's nothing to worry about, but that I want to keep my friends close even with their quirky behavior.

 

That text message may have been out of line, or may not have. If he was trying to hit on her, he needs to retreat and I'm sure she'll tell him that. If it's one-sided she is not the problem, he is.

But a lot of people, I have observed, are trying to break the gender barriers and be like 2 female friends going to the toilet together, just that one of them's male. So maybe they say such things from a perspective of this "new" kind of friendship. I have many male friends whose speech pattern is downright "gay", like "Sweetie, I love you so much, you're so beautiful" while they're really just... part of this, I shall call it sub-culture, where men talk like that because they think cute is the new macho and not harboring any sexual desire for me whatsoever. And some of them also ARE gay.

 

As for Facebook and hugging people, leave it. Things written on the internet are hard to decipher for lack of tone of voice and facial expression, so what sounds to you like an attack, may actually have been a fun little joke to the author.

As for pictures, she may be over them regardless of preserved content. Maybe she's like me, a "memory hoarder" who has lost emotional touch with old times, but keeps pictures and other records because she feels that memories are worth preserving.

 

If she doesn't introduce you to her friends, it may be because she feels your insecurity and potential jealousy. Sometimes we are innocent but act like culprits because we feel our innocence doesn't convince suspicious people. I have a friend who had a horribly jealous boyfriend. He'd actually punch men who were talking to her on a bad day. So while she truly didn't cheat on him (except once), she still didn't think it a good idea to introduce her male friends to her boyfriend most of the time and she planned activities separately and without his knowledge because she just wanted to have a good time with friends and not have her jealous twat ruin everything, because usually, he would. I'm sure you're not like that, but this is just to illustrate how sometimes there are good reasons to be sneaky.

So sometimes, we hide things from people not because we're doing something wrong, but because those people will get it wrong.

 

I mean, I can't look inside your girlfriend's head, but I think suspicion and over-thinking can ruin a good relationship. Let it slide for now.

[InJest]

Pompom, you'd have to be a moron to not realize that these 'friends' of yours wish to God they could bang you.

 

Babolat, your girl is in her 40s and is not going to change. I don't think it's insecure to mention once that you're not comfortable with her going on dinner dates with men you've never met, and you're not even invited. I'm not sure how much you've invested in her, but do not invest any more emotionally into her. Keep it physical and casual with her. I hope you haven't told her you love her, and if you have, stop. Start dating other women(she is dating other men). She'll probably notice a change in you and bring it up, otherwise just keep seeing her until you find a girl who's more compatible.

Edited October 5, 2012 by InJest

[Babolat]

No "I Love Yous" yet, I will not go there, nor has she. We have both said we are starting to have feelings for the other.

 

Is she dating these men? I do not think so. These are 10, 15 even 20 year friendships that predate me, and she talks about them in conversation as her friends, like she does her girlfriends. She has been in 2 LTRs while these male friends have been in her life before me.

 

I have not shown any jealousy or insecurity towards this; her previous LTR did and it was one reason she ended it. He had to go everywhere with her and she could not go out with friends on her own. He was very controlling. I give her space, let her have her fun and I am trying hard to trust her.

 

Her best friend told me the key to her is knowing when to "reel her back in" yet giving her space, as she is very much a free spirit type. She post pics of us on her facebook; I cannot see them, though i see her doing it and she has shown me.

[Later82012]

If you are not happy with whatever she is doing and you are not feeling like asking her for whatever reasons, why not leave her and find someone else that you are more compatible with?

[Emilia]

 

Her best friend told me the key to her is knowing when to "reel her back in" yet giving her space, as she is very much a free spirit type. She post pics of us on her facebook; I cannot see them, though i see her doing it and she has shown me.

 

Each to their own but I wouldn't wish to date someone I need to reel back in. You are both adults

[InJest]

That all sounds well and good, but I still think you should stifle the emotional investment for now. That will intern stifle your jealousy. After 6 months if she's still someone you're 'just dating', I don't see why you can't keep your options open and see other women. You will naturally take your mind off of what she is doing, and be less concerned with it.

 

I doubt her last b/f started out controlling, but probably became more and more insecure as time went on. Sound familiar?

 

I also think she would have respected it if the last guy put his foot down and said what he was willing to accept and what he was not, and was willing to leave her over her behavior. That's what reeling someone in is. You have to show this girl you're not afraid to leave her. You said yourself she's afraid of being alone, so make her face that.

[Babolat]

I have had 2 talks with her about her partying behaviors, late nights into the mornings, and in both cases I ended the relationship because of our differences there. Days later we start talking again and start seeing each other again.

 

Is she the one? I am not ready for the one as I have things I still need to work on before I take that next step. It is more than just dating after 6 months...we are exclusive. I am not one to date multiple women at the same time, just can't emotionally.

 

I have backed off on the amount of time we see each other and I am spending more time with my buddies and getting back to my hobbies, which is helping me a lot. It's moved more towards us seeing each other on the weekends now. In fact, I have no idea what she does during the work week as we really do not talk about it.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Babolat

[Babolat]

To the comments about talking to her about her male friends, inviting me out when they do things..that's a slippery road in my opinion. It can come across as jealously and insecurity, which may push her away. What's the best way to approach this?

 

And it's not like every week she is partying with her male friends. In 6 months I know of 3 times she has gone out with a male friend for dinner and\or drinks.

 

And she has told me she is not comfortable inviting me out sometimes as she knows I do not like to drink\party like she does and she does not want to feel judged.

 

Her career is all about networking too, building professional relationships, as she is in Business Developoment\Sales. She regularly meets men out for coffee\lunch meetings (woman too), to network, try to get their business, and she goes to a lot of metworking events\functions. This bothered me at first, I never said a word, and now it's something I am OK with.

[Pompom]

Pompom, you'd have to be a moron to not realize that these 'friends' of yours wish to God they could bang you.

Eh actually they behave like that with all their friends regardless of gender or orientation.

[Babolat]

When I was married, and at a party with other close couple friends, it was not unusual for one of the wives to be a little tipsy and be flirty with me..dancing, sitting on my lap, grabbing my butt...this never bothered me nor did it bother the husband. I did not see it as her wanting to have sex with me...more feeling comfortable and having fun. My ex use to like to wrestle with one of the husbands, who was a good friend, I saw it as harmless, not sexual.

 

In fact, at a recent party at my house with my brother and his girlfriend, she was drunk and being flirty. I saw it as harmless.

[Quiet Storm]

I have friends (male) who will sit on my lap, hug me, kiss me on the cheek, for laughs even on the mouth, walk holding hands, sometimes hit on me for fun, make sexual jokes and during sleepovers, we'd share the bed.

 

You are naive if you think these men are only interested in your friendship. They are either using you as "practice" or getting off on your sexual energy.

 

Eh actually they behave like that with all their friends regardless of gender or orientation.

 

Your straight male friends kiss each other on the mouth, walk around holding hands, make sexual jokes & hit on each other?

 

OP, she obviously needs a lot of attention and validation. She is in her 40s, so I doubt she will grow out of this. You have to either accept it or move on. Know that your attention is not going to be enough to validate her, she will always need more.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Quiet Storm

[Babolat]

QuietStorm, good points.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Babolat

[Pompom]

You are naive if you think these men are only interested in your friendship. They are either using you as "practice" or getting off on your sexual energy.

 

 

 

Your straight male friends kiss each other on the mouth, walk around holding hands, make sexual jokes & hit on each other?

Their definition of humor, and their version of wet willies if you will. They didn't grow out of "goofy dry-humping" either when high school ended. You know, when one guy bends over to check his Facebook real quick, and another takes that chance to thrust his pelvis against his butt? Art school and film college rarely attract serious/mature folks

[truth_seeker]

Being a jealous person, I can see your misgivings, but I think you should relax.

I think that even mixed gender friendship can be very close, but platonic nontheless. I have friends (male) who will sit on my lap, hug me, kiss me on the cheek, for laughs even on the mouth, walk holding hands, sometimes hit on me for fun, make sexual jokes and during sleepovers, we'd share the bed. But nothing ever happens and if I had a partner I would warn him and tell him that there's nothing to worry about, but that I want to keep my friends close even with their quirky behavior.

 

That text message may have been out of line, or may not have. If he was trying to hit on her, he needs to retreat and I'm sure she'll tell him that. If it's one-sided she is not the problem, he is.

But a lot of people, I have observed, are trying to break the gender barriers and be like 2 female friends going to the toilet together, just that one of them's male. So maybe they say such things from a perspective of this "new" kind of friendship. I have many male friends whose speech pattern is downright "gay", like "Sweetie, I love you so much, you're so beautiful" while they're really just... part of this, I shall call it sub-culture, where men talk like that because they think cute is the new macho and not harboring any sexual desire for me whatsoever. And some of them also ARE gay.

 

As for Facebook and hugging people, leave it. Things written on the internet are hard to decipher for lack of tone of voice and facial expression, so what sounds to you like an attack, may actually have been a fun little joke to the author.

As for pictures, she may be over them regardless of preserved content. Maybe she's like me, a "memory hoarder" who has lost emotional touch with old times, but keeps pictures and other records because she feels that memories are worth preserving.

 

If she doesn't introduce you to her friends, it may be because she feels your insecurity and potential jealousy. Sometimes we are innocent but act like culprits because we feel our innocence doesn't convince suspicious people. I have a friend who had a horribly jealous boyfriend. He'd actually punch men who were talking to her on a bad day. So while she truly didn't cheat on him (except once), she still didn't think it a good idea to introduce her male friends to her boyfriend most of the time and she planned activities separately and without his knowledge because she just wanted to have a good time with friends and not have her jealous twat ruin everything, because usually, he would. I'm sure you're not like that, but this is just to illustrate how sometimes there are good reasons to be sneaky.

So sometimes, we hide things from people not because we're doing something wrong, but because those people will get it wrong.

 

I mean, I can't look inside your girlfriend's head, but I think suspicion and over-thinking can ruin a good relationship. Let it slide for now.

 

Pompom: I don't know if you're genuine or conniving. You make a good argument but it does come across like manipulation with your reasons for being sneaky.

[Quiet Storm]

Their definition of humor, and their version of wet willies if you will. They didn't grow out of "goofy dry-humping" either when high school ended. You know, when one guy bends over to check his Facebook real quick, and another takes that chance to thrust his pelvis against his butt? Art school and film college rarely attract serious/mature folks

 

What???? There must be a huge difference between Israel & Baltimore. My son's a junior in HS and if any guy, friend or not, came up behind him and dry humped him, dude would get punched in the face. To each his own, though.

 

OP, I don't believe that straight, single men are genuinely "just friends" with an attractive woman. If they are sexually attracted to the woman, they will think of her in "that way", regardless of whether they actively hit on her or not. So if she has a banging body like you say, you can bet these men are waiting for the right time to make a move, waiting patiently to be her shoulder to cry on when you two have an argument, or just get off on simply being in the presence of a hot woman. They may never hit on her again, but you can bet they are picturing her naked and wondering what it's like to have sex with her. I may be wrong, but in my experience, the sexual attraction is what is fueling the guy's desire to hang out with your woman, not because he thinks she's a great friend. But he will, of course, accept friendship in lieu of sex because he thinks he'll grow on her.

 

I can see Pompom, as a college girl, thinking the attractive female/ male "friend" dynamic is innocent. But being in her 40s, your woman has to realize this by now. IMO, she is getting off on the attention, whether she admits it or not. These guys are stroking her ego.

 

She is not necessarily a bad person for needing the attention, but you just have to decide if you can deal with this aspect of her personality. You have to really be able to accept it, and not just tolerate it, or it will continue to bug you.

[Babolat]

What???? There must be a huge difference between Israel & Baltimore. My son's a junior in HS and if any guy, friend or not, came up behind him and dry humped him, dude would get punched in the face. To each his own, though.

 

OP, I don't believe that straight, single men are genuinely "just friends" with an attractive woman. If they are sexually attracted to the woman, they will think of her in "that way", regardless of whether they actively hit on her or not. So if she has a banging body like you say, you can bet these men are waiting for the right time to make a move, waiting patiently to be her shoulder to cry on when you two have an argument, or just get off on simply being in the presence of a hot woman. They may never hit on her again, but you can bet they are picturing her naked and wondering what it's like to have sex with her. I may be wrong, but in my experience, the sexual attraction is what is fueling the guy's desire to hang out with your woman, not because he thinks she's a great friend. But he will, of course, accept friendship in lieu of sex because he thinks he'll grow on her.

 

I can see Pompom, as a college girl, thinking the attractive female/ male "friend" dynamic is innocent. But being in her 40s, your woman has to realize this by now. IMO, she is getting off on the attention, whether she admits it or not. These guys are stroking her ego.

 

She is not necessarily a bad person for needing the attention, but you just have to decide if you can deal with this aspect of her personality. You have to really be able to accept it, and not just tolerate it, or it will continue to bug you.

 

Well said, and I tend to agree.

 

One guy in particualr has been her friend since her early 20s..she truly talks about him like a brother. I have not met him, he lives out of town now, she travelled to visit him shortly after we met then he came into town for a weekend when I was out of town (no, not planned that way) and she hung out with him over the weekend. She has said 2-3 times she wants me to meet him as he is an important friend in her life.

 

The other guy I have never met. I know of two times they went out, once for drinks, she came to my house afterwards, and once for dinner, where again she came ot my house afterwards.

 

Her history, carreer, jobs, social life, all support your comment about her need for attention, plus her childhood where she was pretty much abondoned by her parents.

 

She is truly the first girl I have met since my divorce that I care about, I like, I have feelings for and we just get along well. Yeah, she has her issues, I have mine, she is not perfect, far from it.

 

I would like to meet these men, or, at a minimum get more of a history from her as to how they entered her life and why they are still in her life.

 

BTW, on our first date she told me she had male friends and asked if I was OK with that. She has been open and honest with me since we met, which is attractive to me. I have never gotten the impression she is hiding anything from me nor am I concerned about her. My concern is with them, like you said, as she likes to drink, sometimes too much, and I worry about what "could" happen to her should one of these men try to take advantage of her.

 

I accept it 95% of the time. The text from the guy Saturday night bugged me and the having dinner with her friend bugged me. I think what bugs me the most is I know they pay as funds are very tight for me right now, and she has told me they pay.

 

However, at the same time, I could be doing the same as we do not share our day to day lives with each other. In fact, I have not seen her since Sunday, have no idea what she has done this week or who with, and the same for me to her.

 

Where I struggle is "how" to let her know I want to meet these men, or learn more about them, without coming across as jealous or insecure. I have been hoping it would just happen on it's own; it has not, and I do not believe it's intentional on her side.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Babolat

[oldshirt]

Here's a few little factoids to keep in mind -

 

- she is in her 40s and you mention her being in a LTR but don't mention her being married. If she hasn't been married by 40 and she isn't grotesquely obese or ugly and she hasn't been incarcerated for the last 20 or living in some jungle with the Peace Corps, there is a reason for that. Likely the reason is she isn't marriage/long term monogamy material. ie she is a party girl and good for a fun fling but not much else.

 

- Make no mistakes, she may call them friends but ALL of them want to bang her and are waiting in the wings for their turn. They all know her history and know that on any given night she may have a little too much to drink, may be a little too sexually charged and may be feeling a little bored with you or annoyed or dissatisfied with you and they will be right there to accomidate her.

 

-THIS IS IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ CAREFULLY. She did NOT dump her last BF because he was some big, mean, abusive, psycho-jealous predator that tried to lock her in his private, crawlspace dungeon. The chances are likely that was a good Joe like yourself who just wanted to have a normal, healthy, stable, exclusive relationship and did not like her out partying and drinking and flirting and rubbing up against all these dudes all the time. And she probably did not like the fact that he was impeding or trying to impede all the attention and validation (and probably sex) that she was getting from all these other guys.

 

She is what she is and there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. She is a grown woman and can live whatever kind of lifestyle she wants. She is committing no foul here.

 

The issue is, is this what you want in a relationship and is she the kind of person you want to have a relationship with? This is her history. What you are seeing and experiencing is what you get.

 

You have no right to try to change her or to try to curtail or control her activities. You do have the right to inform her of what you want and how you want to live. If she doesn't want to fit in that role she has the right to leave.

 

And if she doesn't want to fit into that role you have every right in the world to keep looking.

[Quiet Storm]

She told you up front about the male friends, and asked if you were OK with it. She gave you a disclaimer. Probably because she had boyfriends in the past that weren't able to handle it.

 

Since she let you know up front, I think that any attempt to talk to her about this is going to feel controlling to her or she'll think you're insecure. By telling you, she was like "this is the way I am, take it or leave it". She's just going to say "but I told you about my male friends!" and make you feel like you are in the wrong.

 

This is why I say that you have to accept it. 100% of the time. If you stay with her, you will be sharing her time with other men. Everytime she goes out with them, even if it's only 5% of the time, it's going to bugging you. In a relationship, you want to feel like you are the top priority. You want to feel like your partner considers your feelings. You want to feel like your relationship is more important than the attention of her "friends". These are all valid things to feel and expect.

 

These men are meeting a need in her that you or whoever she is dating at the time can't meet. She knows that her boyfriend is supposed to be attracted to her and give her attention. Since she already expects that from you, your compliments and attention aren't as valuable to her. She needs multiple men- men that aren't her boyfriend- thinking that she's hot and showering her with attention. It appears that she knows and accepts this about herself, and she also knows that most men will have an issue with it, which is why she warned you.

 

This is who she is. It would be nice if we could mold people into being our ideal mate, but it's not realistic. We have to take people as they are. Instead of wishing that she would change, you have accept her and love her for who she is or end it.

 

I would tell her "It may seem insecure or controlling to you, but I don't want my girlfriend spending time alone with male friends. It makes me uncomfortable. I know you told me up front, but my feelings for you are making this very difficult for me to accept. Is our relationship important enough for you to consider limiting your time with other men?"

 

If she won't consider changing, you know where her priorities are.

[oldshirt]

I have been dating a girl for 6 months.

 

 

 

 

Yes you have been "dating" her. Dating is an interview, tryout and probationary period to get to know each other to determine if this person is someone you want to continue to bring into your life and have some kind of commitment with.

 

Both people have the right to make up their mind and either try to move forwards towards committment or to break it off and walk away without any penalties or going through any kind of legal procedures to determine what happens with property, shared children or finances.

 

In other words both you are 100% free to do as you wish.

 

6 months of dating someone steadily is plenty of time for a couple of 40 year olds to get to know each other and know if the other person is a good match for them or not.

 

The question you need to answer for yourself is merely, "is she a good match for me or not?"

 

it is not, "how do I change her?" or "what is she doing with all these other men?" etc etc

 

As she is a full grown woman and does not appear to have tried to decieve you or manipulate you, what you see is what you are gonna get.

 

You just have to answer to yourself honestly if she is the person you want AS SHE IS RIGHT NOW. not what she can be and not what she could be if she changes.

[Babolat]

All great points and thanks for the feedback.

 

She has been engaged 3 times, she called all 3 off after the men became physically and emotionally abusive.

 

She does make me feel important, very much so.

 

Everyone I have met who knew her last boyfriend shares the same opinion of him, controlling.

 

In 6 months, this has happend 4 times, 2 of those times she came to see me afterwards. And I just remembered, 1 of the 2, she called me first to go out with her though I already had plans, so she came over later after having drinks with her male friend, when I got home from my plans.

 

oldshirt, I hear you though I am confident it's not to the point you make. I am not defending her. 4 times in 6 months, could have been 3 as she called me first before meeting her male friend out, all times she has been open and honest with me about spedning time with them. She does not dance or rub or grind with them. I know the places they meet; sit down restaurants\bar places. And, I forgot this, she texted me during these times telling me she missed me. In fact, the night she surprised me, she was texting me while having dinner wiuth her male friend AND her daughter (I forgot the daughter part).

[oldshirt]

 

And she has told me she is not comfortable inviting me out sometimes as she knows I do not like to drink\party like she does and she does not want to feel judged.

 

OK that really should have been the point where you decide whether you just want to bang her a few more times for the fun of it and move on, or whether you realise the is not a match for you and you throw in the towell and cut your losses and walk away.

 

Here's why, it shows a couple different things. One is that she doesn't want you to know what she is really doing with them which could be anything from settling up a plan B for when she is tired of you all the way up to wrapping her legs around their shoulders and getting spewed in the face. She is saying she doesn't want to "be judged" meaning that she doesn't want you discusted and walking away if you knew what she was really doing. That means she knows that you would be discusted............but she's doing it anyway.

 

Another thing is that it shows that she realizes that you two have a completely different value system and completely different lifestyle preferences and that your preferences don't match.

 

The real deal breaker here is she realizes your values and lifestyles don't match but rather than just letting you go or trying to tone down her lifestyle in an effort to meet you in the middle a little closer to your's she is basically just isolating you from that part of her life and keeping you out of what is a significant part of her life.

 

She is basically just keeping you around for entertainment, attention and validation too. She is not "INVESTING" in you or in your relationship. She is just getting together with you for fun when it is convenient and continuing to stay on the market and living the rest of her life knowing that you are not going to be a part of it.