lying to your spouse

[frozensprouts]

Is it okay t lie to your spouse to have your own needs met?

 

For anyone out there who is married ( or who just has an opinion)..do you think that it's okay to lie to your spouse ? Are there some things that a husband/wife simply should not divulge to their spouse?

 

( this goes beyond the "white lies" of " no, that dress doesn't make your read look big" or " no, your snoring didn't keep me awake last night)

 

*****I know there's a thread on here right now about revealing an affair to your spouse( I think the truth should be told) but this could be about any other major issue as well*********

 

myself, i think that it's best be honest....even o the question about the dress...I's rather know if what I'm wearing made my rear look huge than not know:laugh:

[standtall]

Is it okay t lie to your spouse to have your own needs met?

 

 

No, not at all. But, if you have some old skeletons rattling around, it doesn't mean you always have to volunteer them.

[underwater2010]

I believe that honesty in a relationship should be valued and is expected. That being said, one does have to use brutal honesty or be hurtful with it. I am like you, I want to know if an outfit makes look fat or frumpy. I want to know when money is tight, there are issues at work and if I am not being a good wife or mother. I also believe that an affair should ALWAYS be brought out in the open.

 

As far as old skeletons rattling, the only time they need be reveiled is when it is important to the relationship. ie past rapes, child abuse, STD's, credit scores, spending habits, family relationships. All these plus more can affect the outcome of a marriage at some point.

[Sauron]

You know somethings are better not being said.

[Cb3657]

My take, a lie is ok if all the truth does is hurt for no reason. Example -" honey am Do I look as good as her" now by all empirical standards the answer is "no she is a model, you are not" the correct answer is "to me you look as good or better than her."

The truth would hurt her feelings to no purpose other than making her feel bad and maybe never asking this type of question again. This is a small one but it can happen for the biggies too , "Honey are you happy?" the real answer may be "no we just spend a week fighting and I really don't like you right now but I have felt this way before and I will get past it" but the answer I would give is "well we had a bad week but overall I am happy with our lives"

Key for me being is it serious enough to hurt someone over.

[Silly_Girl]

With my ex-SO I would minimise how much a total to$$er my son's dad was being. Or when my boss tried it on for the umpteenth time. They were things that - tables turned - I'd DEFINITELY expect to be told.

 

That means I was in the wrong.

 

Either of those things might have induced a delayed temper, probably violence, and I would have suffered. That's my 'excuse'. I bet others have other 'excuses'.

 

It's not clear-cut in my view.

[Radagast]

I would say it would very much depend on the context.

 

In an abusive situation where the threat of violence of another form of abuse existed, lying may be a sensible short-term option (such as withholding the truth about having been to a social worker to enquire about the possibility of finding a shelter).

 

In a context where one spouse has expressed a choice to be kept in ignorance about difficult / uncomfortable / "boring" issues (including, but not limited to, infidelity. In a number of households this includes issues of a financial nature, where one spouse leaves the finances entirely up to the other to handle.) then not telling everything to that spouse (so-called "lies of omission") may be appropriate.

 

In a context where one spouse is likely to be extremely distressed (and suffer risk as a result) by being told the full story of a situation that is likely to normalise with time or intervention, it may be appropriate to withhold or delay the full story until such time as the situation has either normalised or stabilised and the full impact is known, even though this also constitutes "lies of omission".

 

It is really difficult to answer a question such as this without knowing the full context and situation. There is no "one size fits all" answer, in my experience.

[strongnrelaxed]

The answer is - women demand complete honesty, but will not give it.

 

Experienced men know better.

 

Period.

[underwater2010]

The answer is - women demand complete honesty, but will not give it.

 

Experienced men know better.

 

Period.

I guess I am an abnormal woman then. When asked I give the honest answer. I am not mean about it but like a man try to find a way to resolve the issue.

 

Sorry you are jaded about women. We are not all that bad.

[underwater2010]

You know somethings are better not being said.

And other things are better being said then hidden in the dark!!

[strongnrelaxed]

I guess I am an abnormal woman then. When asked I give the honest answer. I am not mean about it but like a man try to find a way to resolve the issue.

 

Sorry you are jaded about women. We are not all that bad.

 

Jaded is a strong word. I happen to know that generally speaking (I know this is a bad thing, but bear with me) women do not define lies, deception, dishonesty and truth the same way that men do (generally speaking).

 

In fact the difference is so stark sometimes that I am shocked that we don't just acknowledge it and accept it like we do the change of seasons.

 

This is where the most constructive conversations can happen.

 

If you had any idea how many married women have expressed interest in me your head would explode. I am no choir boy, but wow - what an eye opener.

 

Times are changing, I get that. But I can only assume that you have no idea how men and women differ in this way, and this is in part because women also lie to each other so effectively. They won't even admit to cheating in anonymous surveys (this has been proven).

 

Now THAT is deceptive. When you make yourself believe your own lies.

 

Men do this too, but I have heard enough crap about men in my lifetime. Now women too must learn to deal with such criticism as they gain more power.

[Saba]

Is it okay t lie to your spouse to have your own needs met?

 

For anyone out there who is married ( or who just has an opinion)..do you think that it's okay to lie to your spouse ? Are there some things that a husband/wife simply should not divulge to their spouse?

 

( this goes beyond the "white lies" of " no, that dress doesn't make your read look big" or " no, your snoring didn't keep me awake last night)

 

*****I know there's a thread on here right now about revealing an affair to your spouse( I think the truth should be told) but this could be about any other major issue as well*********

 

myself, i think that it's best be honest....even o the question about the dress...I's rather know if what I'm wearing made my rear look huge than not know:laugh:

 

I think that it is best (and in the long term the easiest option) to be honest. Some things are difficult to say or painful to hear but that tough stuff is what keeps a relationship strong. If there are lies then partners lose touch with one another. I believe that you can't connect with someone else if you are afraid to tell them who you are.

 

I think that it is important not to lie about the small stuff too. It does not mean that you have to be insensitive. When you live with someone the small stuff makes up a large part of your interactions so best not to lie then either.

[TaraMaiden]

The only people who believe lying to your spouse is OK, are those who have something to hide already.

 

if you need to lie - then you're already a liar.

[Cb3657]

I have nothing to hide

I am married to my first wife, I have never cheated, never separated and after 18 years still have a strong and happy marriage, statistically I am as rare as a albino grizzly bear, still there are times when I use my judgement as to what i say and do not say. That is the Essenes of being a adult using good judgement.

Things are never as cut and dry as we hope they will be.

[TaraMaiden]

There's a difference between lying and "being economical with the Truth" - !

 

The former is deceit. The latter might be viewed as tact and diplomacy - which as we all know, are not always justified or correctly applied. In this case, hindsight is 20/20 vision....

[Sauron]

I guess I am an abnormal woman then. When asked I give the honest answer. I am not mean about it but like a man try to find a way to resolve the issue.

 

Sorry you are jaded about women. We are not all that bad.

 

I will agree that you are an abnormal woman.

 

And I agree that all women are not bad.

 

I knew we could find common ground.

[strongnrelaxed]

There's a difference between lying and "being economical with the Truth" - !

 

 

Tara. I am honestly not trying to start another boring drama war here, but can you see how this might look to someone in a LTR - to someone who really needs to trust their partner?

 

If you had any idea how many women really and truly believe that they have it all worked out, that men are idiots, "clueless" etc and the woman must be "economical" with the truth because they have to be the wise sage diplomats - only to have it blow up in both of their faces, you might rethink this.

 

Ironically it is an honest statement! It just scares the crap out of me that you said it openly despite all the likes you gave and the comments and the high fiving your female friends here when men have expressed serious concern about women and honesty.

 

I know I must be crazy to think that this is so NOT ok - to be "economical with the truth" I just come from a different place about such things.

 

This is not an attack - I give you my word. But please respond simply and directly without name calling or claiming that you "didn't mean it" or were "only joking" or it was "taken out of context" if you can. Do you see how this can be seen as disturbing?

 

I am typing this with a friendly smile on my face and a sincere desire to understand this.

[TaraMaiden]

I might have missed it... did Tara specify that her phrase about being economical with the truth applied to women only?

 

I think it was just the idea that we don't ALWAYS have to blurt out what pops into our heads at any given moment because we might hurt someone's feelings.

 

This is exactly why I avoid as much as I can sticking a gender on anything. I remain neutral because it's a general thing.

And yeah, that was my point....

 

Thanks Donna

[strongnrelaxed]

This is exactly why I avoid as much as I can sticking a gender on anything. I remain neutral because it's a general thing.

And yeah, that was my point....

 

Thanks Donna

 

Ok. In a post that is clearly bifurcated along gender lines, and a post by you that was taken by me in light of your other posts, I cannot see how you could honestly say that you remain neutral. But since you say it, I guess I have to believe it. This is the interesting thing about this particular little argument. The less you say, the more you can spin it later - with or without an assist from Donna.

 

If you did indeed mean for both genders ( and I will begrudgingly give you the benefit of the doubt) then you are doubly wrong. The truth is so important Tara. I know you cannot see that. So many people justify lies and deceit and "economy with the truth" that we can't even tell up from down any more.

 

No need to reply.Anything you would say to me will sound dishonest. This is not a diss or an insult. You just admitted what you did above and now you are trying to spin it.

 

Where I come from, lies are lies are lies. It is quite easy for me. You are either honest or you are not. Whether you have valid reasons for that deceit is a different story.

[Sauron]

Ok. In a post that is clearly bifurcated along gender lines, and a post by you that was taken by me in light of your other posts, I cannot see how you could honestly say that you remain neutral. But since you say it, I guess I have to believe it. This is the interesting thing about this particular little argument. The less you say, the more you can spin it later - with or without an assist from Donna.

 

If you did indeed mean for both genders ( and I will begrudgingly give you the benefit of the doubt) then you are doubly wrong. The truth is so important Tara. I know you cannot see that. So many people justify lies and deceit and "economy with the truth" that we can't even tell up from down any more.

 

No need to reply.Anything you would say to me will sound dishonest. This is not a diss or an insult. You just admitted what you did above and now you are trying to spin it.

 

Where I come from, lies are lies are lies. It is quite easy for me. You are either honest or you are not. Whether you have valid reasons for that deceit is a different story.

 

There is definitely a double standard applied in this part of the site. One poster blasts me for having a mistress but condones revenge affairs. A lie is a lie and an affair is an affair.

[Sauron]

There's a difference between lying and "being economical with the Truth" - !

 

The former is deceit. The latter might be viewed as tact and diplomacy - which as we all know, are not always justified or correctly applied. In this case, hindsight is 20/20 vision....

 

I am very diplomatic with all the economies of truth with everyone close to me. And I couldn't agree with you more.

[strongnrelaxed]

One=1........

 

Nice try bent. That was just an example he was using. I will attest to the stone cold fact that there are numerous and I mean NUMEROUS examples of this hypocrisy all over these boards. You know it's true, so don't even try it - well I guess you already did.

 

One very blatant double standard is the rape thing. Very few men actually rape, but all men are treated like rapists. In fact British Airways won't even let a man sit on a plane next to a child. Can you imagine if they said "no Jewish people can sit next to children"

 

So, a few do the crime and all men bear the stigma and consequences.

 

On the other hand, a significant number of women may exhibit a behavior and it is routinely dismissed. The common response is "not all women are like that!" Ok, so that may be true, but I don't need ALL women to be one way or another in order to get the gist - a simple majority will do.

[todreaminblue]

Is it okay t lie to your spouse to have your own needs met?

 

For anyone out there who is married ( or who just has an opinion)..do you think that it's okay to lie to your spouse ? Are there some things that a husband/wife simply should not divulge to their spouse?

 

( this goes beyond the "white lies" of " no, that dress doesn't make your read look big" or " no, your snoring didn't keep me awake last night)

 

*****I know there's a thread on here right now about revealing an affair to your spouse( I think the truth should be told) but this could be about any other major issue as well*********

 

myself, i think that it's best be honest....even o the question about the dress...I's rather know if what I'm wearing made my rear look huge than not know:laugh:

 

 

I would rather a partner told me if what i was wearing he didnt like it or if it made me look silly.......i do that for my friends i dont lie......a partner is supposed to be your best friend....i have in the past kept things close to my chest if i thought it would upset my partner these are normally external and nothing that i have done to affect the relationship such as a guy coming on to me or if someone abuses me...in saying that ....i think honesty is best....i can be read anyway..and it isnt hard for people to find out what happened...about certain things my past i am upfront with with a partner.....i still have things i am not comfortable with and it is hard for me to talk about face to face......i still do it.....i dont think guys in relationships should tell their partner who they think is prettier than them.....or point it out....i dont ever ask actually is she prettier than me or more attractive than me......i can recognise an attractive woman....i don't need a comparison run down.......they should handle that sort of situation with discretion in my opinion......as far as lying goes....i know omission is lying but does a guy really want to know everything and does a woman really want to know everything about their partner?.....deb

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, we strong confident assured women (bitches to you) have regular meetings to decide on strategies and work-plans to absolutely ruin the dynamics of our relationships in order to create as much inconvenience to men as possible.

 

You've found us out.

[woinlove]

My H and I like a lot of intimacy and connection, so we are open and honest. Can't say we even apply diplomacy by omitting things. We love and trust each other and respect each other's opinions, and both of us appreciate hearing the truth even when it is not what we wish. Neither of us feel the need for diplomacy or tact with each other, since we are able to communicate well with each other and our love and care shows through even when the message is negative. If we speak out of impatience or irritation, we always apologize - although we know each other well enough to recognize where those words were coming from.