honeybee3 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) Bah, second time I'm writing this post because the first one didn't work, so I'll keep it short. My boyfriend and I have been in love and going out exclusively for a little more than 2 years. We're in our 20s. We have a great relationship but neither of us have really dated too many people before entering our relationship. We plan to get married someday, once we're out of school and when we can afford to pay for a little shindig. Neither of us are religious so it'd be secular and not in a church. Any who, girls talk to him a lottt, not wording it a certain way to make him sound better, they talk to him, they're really assertive and don't respect boundaries. I mean I kind of expect it because he's such a great guy. But he likes mostly Puerto Rican girls, or hispanic girls, girls from other countries at his school. I get jealous cause I feel like they're more interesting just cause they're from another country and not only that, they're freakishly beautiful. Even though people ask if I'm American or imply that I look foreign I still wish I was less American. I'm really beautiful and it's like comparing apples to oranges. There's no such thing as 'the most beautiful person in the world'. Everybody's different and we're all beautiful in our own way. I mean, I do think that green eyes are much more beautiful than brown, which I have. Any way, because neither of us had dated too many people before our relationship, I proposed the idea of having an open relationship, for a specified interim, with ground rules. I want us to have these experiences and get it out of our systems now rather than later. He wasn't down. He said he'd feel too bad, he wants it to be just me and him forever, he doesn't want anyone else, it isn't worth it. Part of the ground rules were 'no freakishly beautiful people, or people that are relationship material.' After much discussion he said 'what's the point of an open relationship if there's ground rules?' And I was like really now? In the same sense he doesn't approve of me kissing a guy in my major so.. contradictions. Also attractions and crushes are bound to happen, as people are compatible with more than one person. I also don't think he can tell the difference between emotional desire and sexual desire. So an open relationship might be dangerous. He tends to like attractive women who are manipulative and narcissistic but he ignores their character flaws for a while just because they're beautiful. I just don't know what to do, I feel like if I mess with it, if I change our relationship or take a break I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. If we were 26 we'd be married right now. It worries me, the saying 'it's not about who, it's about when' referring to why people marry the person they marry. Advice? Edited October 5, 2012 by honeybee3
CarrieT Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 This is the first thing you said that was a giant red flag for me... I get jealous cause I feel like they're more interesting just cause they're from another country and not only that, they're freakishly beautiful. The fact that you get jealous AT ALL is a reason to not have an open relationship. It will fail. You two are way too young to consider an open relationship. Those of us that have tried it (some successfully and some not) understand that open relationships work when the two people are on completely the same level sexually and emotionally and they are expanding their sexual circle to stimulate already expansive and interesting relationship. I was about your age when I tried it (a little younger) and it failed miserably in my case. Now that I am approaching my 50s, I understand that those who have successful open relationships are considerably more mature and are beyond jealousies and the temptations of emotional relationships. You guys are not. It WILL fail in your case. I can guarantee it... One of you will experience an attachment to another whether you try to keep from doing so or not. It is just what happens. If you open those floodgates, one of you will suffer from it.
Leigh 87 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Oh man, it will definatel fail, I just wanted to second what CarrieT said. As you cleverly stated: even if your in love, there are bound to be more people out there that you would also fall in love with, if you spent enough time with them, and were sexually intimate with them. Why risk a loving relationship, and expose yourselves to new people? You mention that he cannot get with: beautiful people or people he would date. So why bother? If he has not been with many girls, why would he want you as a girlfriend, and the try out a second rate girl he was not all that attracted to? I think what your saying is : hey, we are both young and have not seen what is out there enough, why not have a break to make sure we are the right ones for each other? Are you doing this because your somehow scared? Scared that because your young and relatively inexperienced in relationships, that it is very unlikely at your age that you will be together forever? Are you suggestion the open relationship to make SURE your the right ones for each other? Why are you really suggesting he sleeps with other women? And how will banning him from women he is very attracted to, and women he could fall for, allowing him to " see what is out there?" If it is to do with sex, and the fact he has not had enough partners and you think you shoudl both have more sex with other people before settling down, that is another thing entirely.
Minka333 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 A jealous person will never ever survive an open relationship. You think you can, but i bet you won't. Your demands are quite irrational. Whether a person is ugly or not, your bf may develop EA. So i suggest you to stop this madness. Try to work it out before you jump into a place of no return.
Author honeybee3 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Leigh 87, it's the latter, it has to do with sex. Before we settle down I'm thinking of the possibility of a 'sowing the wild oats' interim. It's not that I so strongly desire other people sexually, it's that we're young and I think it might be healthy to explore those curiosities. I don't want to break up or take a break necessarily because I love him and he loves me and we're best friends. It's the most intimate interpersonal relationship either of us have ever had with another human being. It's not that I'm afraid that he isn't the one, it's that he has not had another sexual relationship and I wonder if he will resent me for it, or feel regret when he's older. When I talked to him about this I suggested the rule would be no ' freakishly' attractive people. Like you know, those kinds that seem like superhuman, like so beautiful they look unreal. He can hook up with beautiful people. But he agrees that there should be some autonomous but respected boundaries. He wants to be able to say 'please don't hook up with soandso, I don't feel comfortable with you hooking up with him' and for me to respect that. And vice versa. We agree that if this were to happen this would be a part of it. I think that's a good way to go about it. I accept that he finds other people attractive, it's impossible not to and my question in this thread was would it be wise to let him physically pursue sexual desires? Also, what I added to a different forum is that I'm not sure but I think I might be bisexual. I rarely find myself attracted to girls, but this one girl I'm particularly interested in sexually. He's agreed to let me pursue this and experiment with her, if that comes up but guys are off limits as of now. I accept that. I'm scared to flirt with girls, I feel embarrassed and shy but that's for a different thread. Yeah, wanting to be foreign or have green eyes or be a different person so I feel more interesting is madness. Thanks for inspiring me to reread that post and acknowledge it's absurdity. It's true, either of us can develop feelings for other people. I have no idea if this is the same for any one else but I feel like I can control how deeply I feel for someone. If I find I'm falling for someone, or I become infatuated with them and it isn't appropriate I distance myself and the desire and emotions for them goes away.
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I told my boyfriend he should experiment more sexually before he settles down with me or any girl. He was 24 when we met and developed a serious relationship, so before it got too serious I told him to get sex with a varity of women out of his system, so he could settle down easier. He thanked me for the option, but could never do it. He said it was no longer desirable for him to sleep with other women. He had a long history of paying for sex (hookers)as he hated making moves on friends even the ones who showed interest in him. Early on though, we had a threesome with a random girl who was a friend of a friend. He was not attracted to her and it was just for the novelty. He is from a croud where guys are all like "wow a threesome dude how awesome wow cool" With me present, he felt comfortable with it, but alone he said it felt wrong. He had plenty of opportunity in his vacations away from me, and I talk to his best friends about it; he was really not able to do it alone, with non hookers. So I brought him a hooker as a Christmas present (I have never revealed that on here as it is in VERY bad taste but oh well) last year. He enjoyed it, but he did not ask for it again on his own accord. You know, he LIKED it a lot, but he was satisfied enough by OUR sex life so as to not ASK for them again. My partner was not able to hook up with non hookers, but was able to have sex with a hooker. He saw no risk with them and it was purely sex with no forplay. I was not phased at all about him and the hooker having sex. I even watched and got turned on. BUT I have decided to put a STOP to it, as it makes me feel like I do not have a propper relationship, one where he has to sacrifice " sexual varity" in women, in order to be totally monogomus. Essentially, I put a stop to it because of OTHER PEOPLE; and here is what THEY had to say: " wow, he must not really love you if he was able to do that with a hooker" '' hmm your relationship is not serious if you let him have hookers and have threesomes with him" There was a general consensous that he did not really love me, if he wanted to have sex with ANY other women; period. You will face the same judgement: do you really want everyone to tell you that your boyfriend is not really in love with you, because of the fact he has been with other women? Andrew and I KNOW we love each other, and he KNOW'S I am enough for him sexually, and we justv got sick of other peoples judgment. he did not want to continue doing it enough, to have to deal with ignorant peoples comments on the matter, who had the AUDACITY to question HIS love for me.
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Please do not try it, you will only have to deal with everyone you know questioning his love for you, which is really demoralizing! You know how much he loves you, yet NO ONE will believe that he does. Your relationship will become a joke to the general public. If you DO do it, I recommend only doing it once or twice, DO NOT make it a regular, longstanding arrangement, and DO NOT TELL ANYONE. I personally do not think doing it once or twice is damaging to SOME couples, it did not have any adverse affects on my partner... BUT it might ruin things for you! It might make him want more and more, and make him want to do it behind your back aka CHEATING. We survived it, as I was lucky in that my partner did not become insatiable and want non hookers, and did not even ask for hookers unless I suggested it; he obviously enjoyed it, but not enough to want it that badly or regularly. I was lucky that it did not make him change, but I still question the fact he WAS able to do it. I have had to deal with EVERYONE on loveshack tell me "he does not love you if he was able to really have sex with a hooker" It is reall hard dealing with the world thinking your relationship is a joke, when the guy really does love you, I have only just gotten over and forgotten all those sill comments.
nofool4u Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Is an open relationship a bad idea? Almost always in my opinion. Here is why. You'll have some people saying if both parties agree, then it depends if that is what they want. The problem is it almost always turns out, as evidenced by threads on this site, that something happens and they realize its not exactly what they want, or someone broke "the rules". (which makes no sense...either you let your partner f*** other people, or you don't...IMO) Someone always ends up getting jealous, or thinking that as long as they get to have sex with other people, they can handle their partner doing the same. But when it comes right down to it, alot of people obviously have a problem of wanting it for themselves, but not for their partner.
Chi townD Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 It sounds like you are so hung up on this guy that you are willing to open up the relationship in an attempt to keep him. It also sounds like you have a lot of self esteem issues if you think that these " foreign" girls are much more better than you are or that they are more mysterious that he's losing interest in you. If you feel like you have to open the relationship up, then you have no relationship. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I think the OP is just concerned that they are both young, relatively inexperienced with relationships and sex, and that he will not be able to settle down with her at this young age, and will ultimately hurt her (by wanting other women, ironically!) I hear you. To keep your partner, you think you should beat him to the inevitable; let him sleep with other women, seeing as he is a young guy who would have wanted to do it anyway, later on. You know, that is probably what spurd me on to instigate a semi open relationship with my current partner; he was 24, only two real girlfriends, and not that much experience with women (besides those hookers LOL!) In the end I did it because of my belief in love and the ability to have meaningless sex, coupled with the fact that total monogomy for some men was needless and not ideal for them in general. I think you shoud take a risk! See if you guys can last without introducing other people into your relationship. The risk is WORTH IT if you make each other really happy.
carhill Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 The fact that you get jealous AT ALL is a reason to not have an open relationship. It will fail. Yes, such parameters are best negotiated when each partner feels healthy within the relationship and positive about the potentials 'opened up' by such a relationship definition and agreement. OP, a man can 'like' women and still be monogamous. It's a choice. If his choices and your choices are synergistic, monogamous or not, that's one path. There are many paths, with synergy being IMO the primary definition of health upon them. Good luck.
Chi townD Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 In the end I did it because of my belief in love and the ability to have meaningless sex, coupled with the fact that total monogomy for some men was needless and not ideal for them in general. I think you shoud take a risk! See if you guys can last without introducing other people into your relationship. The risk is WORTH IT if you make each other really happy. Sorry, I don't agree with this opinion. If this is what works for you then great. But, stats show that open relationships rarely work. And there are guys out there that DO believe in monogomy (me being one of them). I have a hard enough time keeping one woman happy, I couldn't even imagine several! Just book me a room at the nuthouse! If opening up the relationship is something your considering, then I think it would be best just to end it. Maybe, one day, you can revisit the relationship. But, I believe that there are guys out there that want to be with one woman and one woman only. That would walk with his head held high knowing that he has an incredible and beautiful girl on his arm and would be proud and humbled that she chose to be with him. That would treat her with respect and not hold her on a pedistal, but would view her as his equal and a partner in life. His other half if you will. There's other things to consider too. The possiblity of introducing STD's into the relationship. The possibility that he might impregnate one of these other girls and even worst he may fall in love with a girl he's been sleeping with as a result of this open relationship. Then what?
Leigh 87 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Sorry, I don't agree with this opinion. If this is what works for you then great. But, stats show that open relationships rarely work. And there are guys out there that DO believe in monogomy (me being one of them). I have a hard enough time keeping one woman happy, I couldn't even imagine several! Just book me a room at the nuthouse! If opening up the relationship is something your considering, then I think it would be best just to end it. Maybe, one day, you can revisit the relationship. But, I believe that there are guys out there that want to be with one woman and one woman only. That would walk with his head held high knowing that he has an incredible and beautiful girl on his arm and would be proud and humbled that she chose to be with him. That would treat her with respect and not hold her on a pedistal, but would view her as his equal and a partner in life. His other half if you will. There's other things to consider too. The possiblity of introducing STD's into the relationship. The possibility that he might impregnate one of these other girls and even worst he may fall in love with a girl he's been sleeping with as a result of this open relationship. Then what? You misunderstood... I AM NOT advocating an open relationship. I DO NOT think they work. Except in rare cases. I said that she should take the risk for a MONOGOMUS relationship. The risks for monogomus relationships are: one person might change their mind, and not want them as their life long sexual partner. Most relationships do not last and one or both people become heartbroken. The risks for open relationships, however, are WAY WORSE: when two people are intimate with other people someone is BOUND to catch feelings and fall in love. For startes..... I had a semi open relationship where I thought my partner needed to get some sex out of his system before settling down. But that is it. It was never a permanant thing. He has no issue being monogomus now.
kae Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 forget about having an open relationship! what you really need is advice to handle these bitches and curb ur insecurities. you know what attracts your man.. that`s a good start.. to handle these penis zombies.. i suggest you wear high heals all the time. it works for me.. i dont know my posture changes and it uh.. it helps. read why men marry bitches!!
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Bah, second time I'm writing this post because the first one didn't work, so I'll keep it short. My boyfriend and I have been in love and going out exclusively for a little more than 2 years. We're in our 20s. We have a great relationship but neither of us have really dated too many people before entering our relationship. We plan to get married someday, once we're out of school and when we can afford to pay for a little shindig. Neither of us are religious so it'd be secular and not in a church. Any who, girls talk to him a lottt, not wording it a certain way to make him sound better, they talk to him, they're really assertive and don't respect boundaries. I mean I kind of expect it because he's such a great guy. But he likes mostly Puerto Rican girls, or hispanic girls, girls from other countries at his school. I get jealous cause I feel like they're more interesting just cause they're from another country and not only that, they're freakishly beautiful. Even though people ask if I'm American or imply that I look foreign I still wish I was less American. I'm really beautiful and it's like comparing apples to oranges. There's no such thing as 'the most beautiful person in the world'. Everybody's different and we're all beautiful in our own way. I mean, I do think that green eyes are much more beautiful than brown, which I have. Any way, because neither of us had dated too many people before our relationship, I proposed the idea of having an open relationship, for a specified interim, with ground rules. I want us to have these experiences and get it out of our systems now rather than later. He wasn't down. He said he'd feel too bad, he wants it to be just me and him forever, he doesn't want anyone else, it isn't worth it. Part of the ground rules were 'no freakishly beautiful people, or people that are relationship material.' After much discussion he said 'what's the point of an open relationship if there's ground rules?' And I was like really now? In the same sense he doesn't approve of me kissing a guy in my major so.. contradictions. Also attractions and crushes are bound to happen, as people are compatible with more than one person. I also don't think he can tell the difference between emotional desire and sexual desire. So an open relationship might be dangerous. He tends to like attractive women who are manipulative and narcissistic but he ignores their character flaws for a while just because they're beautiful. I just don't know what to do, I feel like if I mess with it, if I change our relationship or take a break I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. If we were 26 we'd be married right now. It worries me, the saying 'it's not about who, it's about when' referring to why people marry the person they marry. Advice? An Open relationship is often a way to disguise problems in the relationship to start with, it may work in some cases between two people who do not have emotional attachment when they have sex...... if one person in that relationship believes in one partner for life and fights their natural desire to be with one person it wont last......at all....ever....open relationships are often messy hiding a multitude of issues.....wouldn't suggest them to anyone.....they are to me not a satisfying way to live life......can be quite damaging physically and mentally.takes a particular kind of mind set...think carefully on what you really want from your life with a potential partner....sex with multiples....ummm....equals no deep connection emotionally, divided emotions in my opinion.....deb
Bobibble Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Yes. Been there, done that. Don't do it. One of you will develop feelings at some point. More than likely it will be you.
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