Tears don't lie

[Leigh 87]

Leigh 87 - do tell me what happened with you? You mentioned that you did a coffee date thing and i wondered what happened? will you be willing to share?

 

and also are you suggesting that I should do nothing and wait for him to initiate? Yes. Unless he literally says "I made a mistake, I have strong feelings for you and want you back please give me ONE last chance". HE WON'T THOUGH.

I have my doubts about that cuz he's terrible at keeping in contact, even with his parents. His parents had to threaten to cut off funds to his tuition account if he didn't call home more often.

 

When guys have broken up with me, I have done a few stupid things, including:

 

- writing a stupid letter to one (when I was about 16 and he had lost feelings for me and had already moved on straight away to a new girl)

 

- begging one of them, who loved my friend and wanted her back, to " just stay with me, so she does not suspect you are still out to get her back (MANIPULATION)

 

- with one, he was into me a lot in the beginning even when I was not into him and had to take a step back from him!........... but his feelings stopped in the end (teenage love for you hah), and I had hopes to get back together.... if ONLY he just.. changed?

I liked him still and thought he would surely come around......:lmao:

 

Guess what? Me liking him did NOT make HIM like ME again.... In fact, he moved on pretty fast after me.

 

.....................Not to mention relationships where a guy was not into me, yet I stayed in it in the hope that somehow things would change... until they outright had to say " man this is wrong I cannot do this anymore"

................The lesson I want you to learn, is that if a guy does not have feelings for you there is absolutely nothing you can do.

[Leigh 87]

If he initiates, you need to keep Ignoring him and staying in No Contact.

Again, read the guide to find out why.

The only thing you should ever respond to is an on-the-doorstep communication, begging your forgiveness, on his knees, and pleading to let him try again. Anything else is just yanking your chain and tearing at your heartstrings.

 

THis is one time you should be glad he keeps a low profile.

 

Sobbing his heart out at night - he ain't. Acting true to form, more like it - and thank goodness for that.

 

 

 

 

I was going to say pretty much this: unless he comes back begging, don't answer him.

And the fact he is low key and probably won't bother reaching out to you is a good thing, as you can get over it all the more faster!

 

..........ONE final thing:

 

PLEASE avoid going clubbing in the places where you know he frequents!

Look, after 4 months a lot of men can get over things very fast; unless he was head over heals in love with you, which he evidently was not, then it is very likely that he has been with another person by now, or will be SOON.

 

 

 

..................Oh, and I have one more funny "psycho" story for ya. I hooked up with a guy when I was 16 - 17 ish, thought we had a "connection" even brought him a CHristmas present (we hooked up a few days before Christmas) and guess what? He was not interested.

In fact, the next time I called him he said " I am with my gorgerous girlfriend go away"

So I called his phone and pretended to be someone else; just to talk to him!!!!!:sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

 

 

................Just... really, let a guy fight for you if he wants you that badly. If he doesn't, he is not interested. He has see who you are and what you have to offer him. He does not feel for you enough to want to be with you. Your not the only girl this has happened to, it has happened to all of us.

[foreverastone]

wow, you seem to have been unlucky in love leigh 87 if you don't mind me saying!!

 

Well, on the plus side I haven't done anything desperate, clingy or creepy. I know i've talked a lot about it but I haven't done anything.

However, because I haven't done anything, I feel like i'm getting nowhere

 

 

Also if i avoid going to any of the clubs that he goes to then I literally have nowhere to club since there is only like 2 clubs where I live and personally if i see him there then i see him there but I won't purposely leave just because he walked in the door with his friends. Hell, I've got just as much rights to be in that club as he does!

It's just not practical

 

I'm starting to feel quite nonchalant

Perhaps I should have high hopes but low expectations. That way i can avoid being disappointed yet still optimistic!

[Own Worst Enemy]

and i thought i had a talent for smashing my head into brick walls!

 

if this is your first major break-up, you won't listen, you'll do it anyway.

 

either he will say no thanks to the coffee, in which case you have a short sharp answer. or he will say yes, and you will have a rollercoaster that ultimately ends in disappointment and pain. but a lesson for future relationships.

 

when i was 21, university ended, and with it my first 3 year relationship. i poured everything onto 4 sides of A4. my heart, my soul, my dignity, my pride. and you know what he said?

 

NOTHING. not one word. he never bothered to reply. it took me 12 months to get over that. 12 months when i could have been dating anyone else (he certainly was!). now, i haven't seen him since, and i have no feelings for him whatsoever. but occasionally he comes up in conversation with uni mates. and it still makes me squirm, that i humiliated myself like that.

 

so i will join the chorus of DON'T DO IT. your 30 year old self will thank you.

[Own Worst Enemy]

i'll bet my shiny new car that you do it anyway!

[TaraMaiden]

Mine's just broken down, so.... you're on......!

 

(Oh... hang on..... we're both betting from the same side..... damn! Thought I had a nice shiny new car, then!! )

 

[Own Worst Enemy]

happy to bet liability for the finance agreement the other way if you like?!

[Leigh 87]

wow, you seem to have been unlucky in love leigh 87 if you don't mind me saying!!

 

Well, on the plus side I haven't done anything desperate, clingy or creepy. I know i've talked a lot about it but I haven't done anything.

However, because I haven't done anything, I feel like i'm getting nowhere

 

 

Also if i avoid going to any of the clubs that he goes to then I literally have nowhere to club since there is only like 2 clubs where I live and personally if i see him there then i see him there but I won't purposely leave just because he walked in the door with his friends. Hell, I've got just as much rights to be in that club as he does!

It's just not practical

 

 

 

I'm not unlucky in love now; NOW I have learnt from my past mistakes, and now I only date guys who are into me.

 

I did all that sh*t a long time ago. Close to ten years ago.

 

And about going out to the clubs.......... look, I am telling you how to get over him as fast as possible.

 

The fasted way to get over him is to:

- go NO CONTACT (unless he calls you and begs for you back, and says he is unhappy without you, and cannot think about other girls or get you out of his head)

- AVOID going out to clubs where you WILL SEE HIM WITH ANOTHER WOMEN. Dancing and probably kissing them!!!!!!!

 

.........If you really want to go to a club and see a guy you really like kissing another women, GO AHEAD! But fo ask yourself: is it really best for you? DO you HAVE to go to the clubs right now?

To help yourself sometimes, you have to make sacrifices; not going out to the clubs in your town is a step that is ESSENTIAL in helping you avoid unenessecary PAIN. You WILL SEE HIM eventually, and IT WILL HURT.

You will probably cry and come on here telling us " boo hoo I saw my ex out at a club with another girl"

[foreverastone]

 

if this is your first major break-up, you won't listen, you'll do it anyway.

 

This isn't my first relationship but it is for my ex. I dated another guy before him for 3 years and it took 6 months for me to be content. We never went no contact and still keep in touch today. So that's why based on my experience of a previous relationship I don't think going no contact works.

 

I haven't cried since the break up which was 3 weeks ago. The day of the break up I cried so much that I dehydrated myself hahaha

[Simon Phoenix]

This isn't my first relationship but it is for my ex. I dated another guy before him for 3 years and it took 6 months for me to be content. We never went no contact and still keep in touch today. So that's why based on my experience of a previous relationship I don't think going no contact works.

 

I haven't cried since the break up which was 3 weeks ago. The day of the break up I cried so much that I dehydrated myself hahaha

 

A big reason why it took you six months to be content was because you didn't go no contact. There's a good chance your bereaving process would have been much shorter had you done it. If anything, your previous experience is more reason not to go with your contact strategy. I went no-contact (before I knew what it was) with two exes who I had toxic breakups with and it healed me, and killed the toxicity of both breaks, a lot better than if we had kept in contact.

[foreverastone]

A big reason why it took you six months to be content was because you didn't go no contact. There's a good chance your bereaving process would have been much shorter had you done it. If anything, your previous experience is more reason not to go with your contact strategy. I went no-contact (before I knew what it was) with two exes who I had toxic breakups with and it healed me, and killed the toxicity of both breaks, a lot better than if we had kept in contact.

 

i don't think keeping contact has anything to do with it because I went out with my previous ex for 3 years which is 36 months. It took me 6 months to get over it which means 1/6 of the time.

 

The current ex I went out for 4 months which is 16 weeks. So far it's been 3 weeks and with no contact which means 1/5.3 of the time.

 

Considering the proportion of the time. I fare better with contact than with no contact because if no contact was better then the time to get over would be less than 1/6 of the time.

[Simon Phoenix]

i don't think keeping contact has anything to do with it because I went out with my previous ex for 3 years which is 36 months. It took me 6 months to get over it which means 1/6 of the time.

 

The current ex I went out for 4 months which is 16 weeks. So far it's been 3 weeks and with no contact which means 1/5.3 of the time.

 

Considering the proportion of the time. I fare better with contact than with no contact because if no contact was better then the time to get over would be less than 1/6 of the time.

 

I don't think the time period of a relationship has anything to do with it. I've had relationships that were very short (2-3 months) have much more of a lingering effect than relationships that have lasted over a year. I've known people who have dated their significant others for three years drop them with no remorse and I've seen those same people pine over someone they only had a few dates on.

 

It doesn't matter though, you seem compelled to try to beg and plead for this guy's time.

[foreverastone]

I don't think the time period of a relationship has anything to do with it. I've had relationships that were very short (2-3 months) have much more of a lingering effect than relationships that have lasted over a year. I've known people who have dated their significant others for three years drop them with no remorse and I've seen those same people pine over someone they only had a few dates on.

 

Well if time heals all then it obviously has something to do with it. If you are to judge whether or not a method works then you would judge it by something that is measurable or else how would you know if it was effective or not?

 

In this case it is the proportion of time. If going no contact makes you 'heal faster' then the term 'faster' implies a decreased amount of time. In this current case there is no decrease. Thus I conclude that it is not working.

 

 

It doesn't matter though, you seem compelled to try to beg and plead for this guy's time.

 

I am compelled to try but i refute your accusation of 'beg' and 'plead' as this suggests illogical spamming of emotions

[mtnbiker]

Look, you could be hotter and more clever than the next girl, but you have to understand: not everyone is going to love you, no matter how brilliant you are. You cannot click with everyone romantically, or even in general.

Please, take peace in the fast that it is just a natural thing in life, that even the most most beautiful women will not be able to click with every guy! Sometimes the feelings just are not there. That is the case with you and your ex.

 

One of the best posts I have read here. Perhaps because it hit home for me.

It is hard to realize that someone who may have "acted" like they loved you, didn't actually love you and can freely move on. It is difficult to understand at first that this is not your fault.

[Simon Phoenix]

[/b]

 

Well if time heals all then it obviously has something to do with it. If you are to judge whether or not a method works then you would judge it by something that is measurable or else how would you know if it was effective or not?

 

In this case it is the proportion of time. If going no contact makes you 'heal faster' then the term 'faster' implies a decreased amount of time. In this current case there is no decrease. Thus I conclude that it is not working.

 

 

It doesn't matter though, you seem compelled to try to beg and plead for this guy's time.

 

I am compelled to try but i refute your accusation of 'beg' and 'plead' as this suggests illogical spamming of emotions

 

I'm really not sure you actually understood a word of what I said, so we'll just agree to disagree.

[TaraMaiden]

Well if time heals all then it obviously has something to do with it.

No, time doesn't heal. Time is just a necessary chronological artifice created to give us some measure of its process.

All time does - is pass.

We heal.

And the quicker we heal, the slighter the emotional wound. it's that simple. It's a self-protective measure we implement. If we manage to heal more quickly that other sin the same situation it's a logical theory to suppose that the great love we thought was so great - actually wasn't so 'great' after all....

 

I am compelled to try but i refute your accusation of 'beg' and 'plead' as this suggests illogical spamming of emotions

That's a meaningless phrase.

You're going to do it anyway, in spite of all the helpful efforts and support you actually posted to gather.

But it's obvious nobody has told you what you wanted to hear.

 

Let us know how it goes.

Keep us posted. We'll be here.

[Leigh 87]

..Isn't anyone else worried about her going out clubbing, which she " insists" she just continue doing (even though he will likely be there, ignoring her, and at some point with another girl?)

 

 

 

..........after a break up, the best thing to do is avoid situations, in order to help you heal faster.

 

Situations such as going out clubbing to the only two clubs in your area, where you know he frequents. These types of situations are things that will set you futher BACK. They will downright HURT you.

 

*sigh* To me, not going clubbing for a month is not that big of a sacrifice. It will eliminate HORRIBLE situations.

 

Instead of clubbing, go for a walk that night have have it off! Save money and get fitter while your at it! I know this is falling on deaf ears so.. bye.

[TaraMaiden]

It's happened a lot recently - I don't know why. Several posters (both 'established' and 'new') have sought advice, which has been received in spades - only for the OP to constantly protest, argue and insist everyone is wrong, and they're right.

 

It's sad, and actually, very frustrating.

Why ask anything?

Just go your own sweet way and do what you'd like - !

[foreverastone]

Instead of clubbing, go for a walk that night have have it off! Save money and get fitter while your at it! I know this is falling on deaf ears so.. bye.

 

I dunno, that sounds like a very lonely and antisocial thing to do.

 

I'm already taking pole dancing classes which btw is really really fun!! but hard and I have a new found respect for those girls.

I'm volunteering weekly, got a part time job, studying and gyming so I have been keeping myself busy but I don't think I can give up clubbing so easily because I meet a lot of new people there plus my friends pull me out and there is only so many times you can say no before they get tired of it.

 

The only thing I would give up is drinking alcohol because that really does makes you feel 1 billion times worst.

 

It's not falling on deaf ears, I'm just trying to explain to you why I would do something a certain way so you can understand my motives.

 

If someone is deliberately going to a club to spy on their ex then yeah I would tell them to leave it because their happiness is tied into seeing them

but for me I go clubbing because it is something that I enjoy and have always enjoyed whether in a relationship or not.

[a.b]

It's happened a lot recently - I don't know why. Several posters (both 'established' and 'new') have sought advice, which has been received in spades - only for the OP to constantly protest, argue and insist everyone is wrong, and they're right.

 

It's sad, and actually, very frustrating.

Why ask anything?

Just go your own sweet way and do what you'd like - !

 

Because they want someone to agree with what they actually want to do.

[Leigh 87]

Instead of clubbing, go for a walk that night have have it off! Save money and get fitter while your at it! I know this is falling on deaf ears so.. bye.

 

I dunno, that sounds like a very lonely and antisocial thing to do.

 

I'm already taking pole dancing classes which btw is really really fun!! but hard and I have a new found respect for those girls.

I'm volunteering weekly, got a part time job, studying and gyming so I have been keeping myself busy but I don't think I can give up clubbing so easily because I meet a lot of new people there plus my friends pull me out and there is only so many times you can say no before they get tired of it.

 

The only thing I would give up is drinking alcohol because that really does makes you feel 1 billion times worst.

 

It's not falling on deaf ears, I'm just trying to explain to you why I would do something a certain way so you can understand my motives.

 

If someone is deliberately going to a club to spy on their ex then yeah I would tell them to leave it because their happiness is tied into seeing them

but for me I go clubbing because it is something that I enjoy and have always enjoyed whether in a relationship or not.

 

 

 

Congrats on the volenteering, I have much respect for people who help out within their communities and who donate to worthy causes.

 

I also advocate the gym and fitness. Top effort, it'll make ANYONE move on faster, simply by being physically healthier and able to function better all around.

 

The part time job and studying is also great - YOUR ALREADY BUSY! why do you NEED to go clubbing!>!>!

 

If you are so focued on doing what is BEST, why not avoid seeing your ex out with another girl, which you will then go and cry about>!?!@??@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I love clubbing too but come on, you should enjoy life enough to not have to go clubbing for a month. Just give it up for a month or so, until you are more over him!

 

I am SERIOUS: I have experience here too. You. Will. Get. Hurt.

 

You. Will. See. Him. With. Another. Girl.

 

You both go clubbing so it is BOUND to happen. Please, Please PLEASe try to save yourself from the heartache you will feel...

 

Being fit and thin and altruistic will not hide your tears and shocked expression and subsequent meltdown when your EX is with another girl.................. and you SEE it.

[Leigh 87]

TARAMAIDEN - oh, I shut down peoples opinions regularly and tell them what fools they are:lmao::laugh:

..not that you can blame me when I have a guy that adores me and clearly shows me daily, who then comes on here and sees people tell me that he does not love me.

Ya know.. Strangers making assumptions about what ANOTHER PERSON thinks? It deaply perplexes us BOTH!?

So yes, I defend my own partner against people who claim to know what he thinks, and shut down advice a lot.

I just think I am right about how my own partner feels, given I have a lot of experience with men and knowing wheather they are into me or not.

 

........If Andrew had packed my bags in advance and then broke up with me over an issue like the OP'S boyfriend did to her, I would KNOW that he did not love me enough to want to work on such a small issue (small in the scheme of things that are faced in long term R'S)

 

After four months together I was still a freak with an eating disorder who was totally weird and not like any person he had met and who had no friends, and who he initially thought was " omg she scares me a little".

........BUt if the " feelings" are there I say, a guy will tend to try his very BEST to overcome adversity and any bad problems. He will at least try if the feelings are there, in some cases.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.........Get this though. The OP will LOVE this! I told my boyfriend about this thread. He HATES this website (as when he comes over I am always on it rather than spending time with him:o:o:o)

Andrew said " well how do you KNOW what her boyfriend is thinking!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WEBSITE IS SH*T"

 

I would like to think it is obvious in the OP'S case, what the deal is; yet in MY own personal relationship with Andrew, it sounds so OBVIOUS to a lot of people on here that, because he had sex with hookers (which we agreed he should do before settling down, as I did not feel he was ready to). It was such a silly, small thing to us, and had nothing to do with him being bored or not into me or our sex life.

 

Well, People think MY situation makes it very obvious that my partner does not love ME...

 

...Yet here he is, wanting to share his life with me, making great efforts to be with me and show me he loves me. If a guy goes out of his way to show you he loves you and is clearly happy by staying with you, and totally miserable when he is away from you; that says enough.

[Leigh 87]

I am outa here now, as I know not everything is what it seams....

 

I personally would not think a guy was into me if he did what the OP'S boyfriend did....

 

But then again I have low credibility due to what my own partner did in my own relationship.

 

Seeya later, I am sure the op will go out clubbing and bump into her ex and see him with another women and cry about it but boo hoo oh well she won't listen to us!

[foreverastone]

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted on here and I've been heavily clubbing but that should come as no surprised because I did say i was going to do it.

 

I sent a text message to my ex on his birthday just to wish him happy birthday out of courtesy and politeness. He did respond which i was surprised because i wasn't expecting a response.

 

I have to say that I'm doing quite well at the moment. I've forgotten a lot of little things about him such as his smell, what his schedule is like, when he's in uni and other small pieces of information whereas before all this information would be second nature to me and I would be able to tell you straight away.

 

For me this is very significant because I'm the type of person to remember these small details because they mean something to me. If someone remembers my favourite food or how I like my laundry folded it makes me feel loved because they've taken the time and patience to remember. Which is why I'm surprised that I'm forgetting.

 

Before any of you can say 'oh, well you can't have liked him that much if you're starting to forget so easily'

That is not for you to decide and it is not a helpful comment either.

 

Looking back at some of the comments, i have to say sometimes they were very unsupportive, belittling and make me feel bad like I was the villian in this. What i wanted was people's experience, support and a new angle perspective on the situation. Instead all I get is:

 

HE DOESN'T WANT YOU

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN'T AGREEING WITH YOU

SHE'S GONNA COME BACK CRYING

TRY TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD

 

As if I don't feel bad enough I get bashed for expressing what I'm thinking and feeling.

[Sugarkane]

No ones trying to put you down. We just don't want you complaining you're hurt when you see your ex with someone else. Been there, done that, got the t shirt! When I was in high school years ago I couldn't go NC because I had classes with my ex. It was so painful to see him with someone else and him making it work. It would've helped so much if I never saw him. This is why I'm so good at NC to this day.