foreverastone Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I recently got dumped by my bf of 4 months and I'm still confused over what has happened. I've been so depressed and upset these few days that it affects my life. Basically what happened was that wednesday was always out date night and that wednesday it was completely normal. We went to the park, chatted, played on the swings etc and then suddenly my bf turned serious and told me that he thinks we shouldn't see each other anymore. He said he was very firm on his answer and I couldn't believe it. His main reason was that we communicate differently like he would say one thing and i would interrupt it in another way so sometimes he will unintentionally upset me. He said that he feels like he has to tip toe around me and he said time and time again the problem has come up. He also says that he can't be the boyfriend that i want, someone who will call everyday, buy presents, say sweet things. He says he feels like i'm trying to change him. At that point I wasn't crying yet because I was so shocked with the break up and he said "well, you can't be that upset because you're not even crying." At that point the news started sinking in and i was trying to hold back the tears but couldn't and eventually it was full blown tears. We spent 2 hours talking about it. I asked him if i could make 1 request which was to drop by his place to pick up my things and then he said ' I've already packed them for you. It's in the car.' That was the worst part. At the end i told him that i will make the break up as painlessly as i can and will try to respect his autonomy. He then said that that makes him feel like he's made the right decision and very much want to have coffee with me one day. I asked him what will happen to us and he said that we will go our separate way and I asked him if we could be friends and he said not in the short term. I also asked him what he feels about breaking up and he said he feels sad and will miss me but he thinks it's the right thing to do. He is normally a very emotionless person and he said he hasn't cried since he's a kid but I saw he was quite unhappy and a couple of tears started falling from his eyes. I then told him i was ready to go and he can drive me home but he didn't immediately start driving, he had to wait a couple of minutes to calm himself down before driving. I really really miss him and although i agree with him for some of the points and what makes it worst was that he wasn't even willing to try to solve the problem. We've been in NC for a little over 2 weeks but what do you make of this situation and do you think he'll come back? I really do miss him terribly and want him back (
NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 He also says that he can't be the boyfriend that i want, someone who will call everyday, buy presents, say sweet things. He says he feels like i'm trying to change him. Who are you and why were you dating my ex?? I really think we are dating the same guy... Mine said the exact same thing today. Word for word. Well, minus the present thing -- he never bought me a present. At the end i told him that i will make the break up as painlessly as i can and will try to respect his autonomy. He then said that that makes him feel like he's made the right decision and very much want to have coffee with me one day. WTF, is he for real? He seriously deserves some beating. What a jerkface. That makes him feel like he's made the right decision? How on earth does that even make any sense? I'll tell you what -- you are better off without this assh*le. He's probably with someone else already. He doesn't miss you -- if he did, he wouldn't dump you. He will miss the sex with you, that is all. Sorry, but that is the truth.
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 He's been thinking about this for a while. He didn't just come up with this. The fact that he had your stuff in the car, shows this has all been in the planning for some time. Shame he didn't see fit to discuss this with you, but it seems that he's been trying to mould himself into someone you want, and it's just not him. Tears don't lie, but you have to know what they're saying in the first place. His tears were in all probability tears of sympathy, because he knows he's hurt you, but he's actually also probably quite relieved to have finally done it and settled the matter. I'm sorry, but he's right about the NOT staying in touch, and being friends. Very, very bad idea. Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature link. It's a life-saver and you need to apply it, and fast. 1
Author foreverastone Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 thats true but i really do want him back even though he's been such an A hole, i recently sent a msg to him asking him how he was and whether he wanta the cds that he left in my rooom. he repied by saying 'i'm good, i hope you are good too. it's ok you can hang on to them.' im not sure what he means, is he giving me the cds or just letting me borrow them??? recently i went clubbing and i saw some of his friends there but i didn't see him although im 99% sure he was there. anyway his friends either didn't see me or purposely ignored me cuz they didn't say hi what you guys make of this situation??%
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 thats true but i really do want him back even though he's been such an A hole Big problem is - he doesn't want YOU back. You can't "want you back" for the both of you. If he won't play ball - you're on your own... ....he repied by saying ..... it's ok you can hang on to them.' im not sure what he means, is he giving me the cds or just letting me borrow them??? no - he means that rather than see you again, he's prepared to sacrifice the CD's because HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!! recently i went clubbing and i saw some of his friends there but i didn't see him although im 99% sure he was there. anyway his friends either didn't see me or purposely ignored me cuz they didn't say hi what you guys make of this situation??% HE - DOESN'T - WANT - TO - SEE - YOU - AGAIN!! Try to get it through your head - it's over. He's tried telling you - it's over. you can have his cd's because - it's over. his friends didn't say hi because - it's over. This isn't going to work, you're not going to get him back. He packed up all your stuff ahead of schedule, because as far as he's concerned, there IS No going back. You have to digest this, absorb it and accept it. 3
KatZee Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 OP really read what Tara Maiden is saying. You can want him back until you're blue in the face. He doesn't want to be with you, so nothing you do or say is going to change this. Don't try to "stay in his life" by sending him text messages on occasion. There is no reason you need to be contacting him. It comes off extremely needy, and desperate. He was thinking about ending it before he officially did it. He packed your stuff up and had it in the car. If that's not a sign of "It's done with" I don't know what is. He's not letting you "borrow" his CDs. He just doesn't really care enough to come get them back. He doesn't want to have any further interaction with you and that's why he's saying to keep them. His friends also have no obligation to speak to you either. It sucks but those are HIS friends. Not yours. I dated my ex almost three years, and when it was done, that was it. I was tossed out into the cold like I was nothing. I haven't heard a peep from anyone in 4 months. That's the reality of breakups, and that's what happens. I'm watching one of my other friends go through her breakup from a guy who is in the same circle as my ex. All those people treat her like crap now. She ran into a guy she was close to and he very blatanly snubbed her. You're going to miss him and it's going to hurt, but you can't just spin your wheels staying in place. Grab your own friends, go out, stop contacting the ex. 1
Author foreverastone Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 You know part of me just wants to hurt him so bad, just like he hurt me. I know it's immature and I should be the bigger person, but why should I? I get no happiness or satisfaction from doing so. People keep telling me to go no contact but that's not working. No contact makes me feel worst and if i got nothing to lose then I might as well blow up his phone with texts and calls and drive him further away because I got nothing to lose and i'll still be at square 1 except that I feel satisfied and better
Calico Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 You know part of me just wants to hurt him so bad, just like he hurt me. I know it's immature and I should be the bigger person, but why should I? Two thoughts: 1) Wanting to hurt someone because they don't want to be with you indicates that your alleged feelings for that person are not love. It's probably just obsession. You don't have to be happy to have been left and/or replaced, but being unhappy isn't the same as becoming hateful or spiteful. 2) Chances are that you won't feel better. There would be temporary relief and then you'd either dislike yourself for "being like that", or you'd fret about having him pushed away further. For me, hatred and resentment also get me emotionally more attached to the person, and since it's my goal to get away from them, spitefulness or desires of revenge only hurt myself. And I certainly won't give her the satisfaction of providing another story that she can tell about me to make me look bad. I'll never give her a reason so that she can think "glad I dumped him". She'll have to deal with the fact that it was all her doing, not mine. 1
Author foreverastone Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've analysed the situation from all points of view and I want to arrange a coffee date with him (If he will accept my invitation). Three reasons for this 1) I want to gauge what the relationship between him and me is like now that we've broken up because I can wonder all I like but I will never know the answer and at least if I see him in person I can find out 2) I want to build a positive rapport with him because our last memory together was me brawling my eyes out and him teary and looking wretched. I don't want that as my last memory because that does not do him or I justice as to what what had together. 3) I need to know if we can still talk and have a normal conversation because we use to be able to talk about anything and everything from politics to sports and everything inbetween. Obviously there is an element of reconcile here but I would not jump to any conclusions or get my hopes up without this meeting because for all I know if the coffee date does go through and we end up sitting in awkward silence or can't even hold a conversation then there is no hope. The feeling is more like a first date where everyone is testing the waters
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've analysed the situation from all points of view and I want to arrange a coffee date with him (If he will accept my invitation). He will. It will feed his ego, nicely "She's still hanging on - Wow, I still got her....! I'll be kind to her and pity her - it will make me feel good...." 1) I want to gauge what the relationship between him and me is like now that we've broken up because I can wonder all I like but I will never know the answer and at least if I see him in person I can find out There's nothing to gauge. You're broken up. You're his ex, he's yours. It's really that simple. 2) I want to build a positive rapport with him because our last memory together was me brawling my eyes out and him teary and looking wretched. I don't want that as my last memory because that does not do him or I justice as to what what had together. While you still have feelings for him you can't do this. You can't be friends with someone you still love, you'll just pine for him. On top of that, if he meets someone else, (like he hasn't already ! ) he will drop all contact with you - either because he now has someone else paying attention to him, or because with a GF, it's a bad idea to keep in touch with exes. Or both. 3) I need to know if we can still talk and have a normal conversation because we use to be able to talk about anything and everything from politics to sports and everything inbetween. No, you can't. he's not interested in holding discussions and deep philosophical converations with you - YOU'RE HIS EX! Why would he hold on to you just for that? He can do that with other people. he doesn't miss you enough to do that. Obviously there is an element of reconcile here but I would not jump to any conclusions or get my hopes up without this meeting because for all I know if the coffee date does go through and we end up sitting in awkward silence or can't even hold a conversation then there is no hope. "An element" - ? Honey, you're clutching at straws and desperate for a meeting to try to change his mind - and you won't. he packed up all your stuff for you - remember? he told you to keep the CD's he doesn't want them - remember? because he doesn't want to see you again! The feeling is more like a first date where everyone is testing the waters I guarantee you he does not feel the same. Right now, he's relieved it all went so well, and that he hasn't heard from you. Every day he doesn't hear from you, as far as he's concerned - is a bonus. it's worked. You're History. Really, you are setting yourself up for a major Greek Tragedy if you try to 'meet up for coffee'....
Simon Phoenix Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Yeah, the coffee idea is horrible. This guy doesn't want to see you. Just back away. Let him change his mind, stop trying to manipulate the situation.
Author foreverastone Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) He will. It will feed his ego, nicely "She's still hanging on - Wow, I still got her....! I'll be kind to her and pity her - it will make me feel good...." I don't know why feeding his ego is such a negative thing? If it makes him feel good then it makes him feel good. I have no qualms of appearing desperate because at the end of the day that's their opinion. As long as I don't feel bad about it then it's fine. There's nothing to gauge. You're broken up. You're his ex, he's yours. It's really that simple. True, but the relationship between an ex and an ex is different. While you still have feelings for him you can't do this. You can't be friends with someone you still love, you'll just pine for him. On top of that, if he meets someone else, (like he hasn't already ! ) he will drop all contact with you - either because he now has someone else paying attention to him, or because with a GF, it's a bad idea to keep in touch with exes. Or both. Well, i won't know the situation until i find out will I? I always keep in contact with friends and exs because that's the person I am and it makes me feel better No, you can't. he's not interested in holding discussions and deep philosophical converations with you - YOU'RE HIS EX! Why would he hold on to you just for that? He can do that with other people. he doesn't miss you enough to do that. How do you know he's not interested or he doesn't want? The only person that knows what he does and doesn't want is him. Well the reason why he would keep talking to me is the same reason why you need friends instead of a friend. Everyone has their own point of view and perspectives on things so will ultimately bring something new to a conversation. But I won't know until I ask "An element" - ? Honey, you're clutching at straws and desperate for a meeting to try to change his mind - and you won't. he packed up all your stuff for you - remember? he told you to keep the CD's he doesn't want them - remember? because he doesn't want to see you again! Why do you doubt my intentions? All I'm saying that reconciliation is a possibility out of the myriad of possibilities. If we met and had a nice chat then I will be more than happy with it. I guarantee you he does not feel the same. Right now, he's relieved it all went so well, and that he hasn't heard from you. Every day he doesn't hear from you, as far as he's concerned - is a bonus. it's worked. You're History. Really, you are setting yourself up for a major Greek Tragedy if you try to 'meet up for coffee'.... Like I said, you don't know what he does or doesn't want. Perhaps he is relieved, perhaps he isn't but we won't know that. For all we know he could be curling up in his bed night after night brawling his eyes out but is too proud to initiate anything. I'm not saying that is what is happening or wishing that that is happening I'm just saying there is no guarantee. I am doing this for me because I know it will make me feel better and everyone is different. I know taramaiden that you are very pro NC etc and that make work for you and others but for me it doesn't I will always regret what i didn't do rather than what i did do because I will not be plagued for the rest of my life with 'what ifs?' If all else fails and nothing seem to go as planned then I know within my heart that I did my best and tried. I will be at peace at last. Edited October 9, 2012 by foreverastone
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Sure, honey. Go right ahead.... Years of experience and testimony from hundreds of heartbroken people count for nothing.. Be well, come and let us know how that works for you, ok?
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 DON'T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man. DO NOT TRY TO SET UP A " COFFE DATE":bunny: I have BEEN THERE; your acting DESPERATE and OBSESSIVE. If he wanted to see you he would ask. Really. He has not asked to see you, because he does not feel you guys are meant to be together, and would prefer to put time and distance between the intimacy you once had. You will only look back and feel like a total FOOL if you reach out to him. Trust me. And NO - do NOT blow up his phone just because "you have nothing to lose". YOU DO! Ahem, what about your dignity? Look, I am sure he cares about you on a human level; I am sure if anything bad happened to you, he would feel quiet bad for you. He probably does have a heart. But he saw you crying the last time he saw you; did he text or call you later that night to check if you were okay? Look, if he was falling in love with you or if he was truly into you, he would have NOT been able to just leave you crying, without checking to see how you were. He has been able to not contact you for days or more.... If he had some undying love for you, he would not be able to just leave you. After two years I cannot imagine not talking to my partner for days; we would both go crazy! ................Again: it sounds harsh, but you NEED TO LISTEN! He does not want to see or hear from you again! He cares about you, but not enough to want you in his life, as a partner or friend. You can perhaps be friends later on, as in a year or more after the break up, when you have moved on. 2
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 ^^^This^^^ You see... It's not just me. I'm not the only 'Pro NC' person here - because hundreds have been in your place before me - and before you - and are still reporting agony right now. I'm sorry, you really need to listen to other people's heads, not your heart. Make decisions based on level logic and reasoning (the head) and you'll come out alright. Make decisions based on volatile emotions and 'wishes' (the heart) and you will invariably be tragically, heart-breakingly wrong. And you sweetheart, are definitely still very much in the 'heart ruling my head' stage. 1
Author foreverastone Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Sure, honey. Go right ahead.... Years of experience and testimony from hundreds of heartbroken people count for nothing.. Be well, come and let us know how that works for you, ok? I'm not disregarding what you're saying and I don't doubt your experience or what you've seen. I do take your advice and suggestions into consideration but I'm just saying that sometimes you have to knock down the foundation in order to build a new house. whatever happens whether good or bad (hopefully good! as I'm an optimistic person) i know that I will always have people who love me (obviously the more people who love me the better AHAHHAA ))))))
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 oh god....... Your coming off as a little delusional. I have been the crazy, obsessive ex, so I feel compelled to try and talk you out of contacting him. And there is a good chance you do want him to be "crying in his bed at night" as you put it, over you. ..... Be honest. Try to be really, really honest. What do you really want out of this? Closure? Well, yes he does still care about you. On a basic, human level. Nothing more. But he will not get back with you. Your meeting will not make him want you back. So why bother? You know he cares about you on a basic level, and you know he does not want you back. What else is there to figure out? A guy you have feelings for either wants to be with your or not; he doesn't. In fact, he does not even want to be your friend. You just want to see if you can push your way back into his life. Why else would you meet him, besides from wanting him to take you back? ............You do not want to just go and have a chat, hear about another girl he is seeing potentially, and have nothing come out of the meeting. You are a nice clever girl right? You don't want to do anything that will make you look silly?
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Like I said, you don't know what he does or doesn't want. Yes we do. he told you, as you relayed in your very first post. he's pre-planned it, so he knows exactly what he wants. So do we. so do you. .... my bf turned serious and told me that he thinks we shouldn't see each other anymore. He said he was very firm on his answer and I couldn't believe it. His main reason was that we communicate differently like he would say one thing and i would interrupt it in another way so sometimes he will unintentionally upset me. He said that he feels like he has to tip toe around me and he said time and time again the problem has come up. He also says that he can't be the boyfriend that i want, someone who will call everyday, buy presents, say sweet things. He says he feels like i'm trying to change him..... he said that we will go our separate way and I asked him if we could be friends and he said not in the short term. I also asked him what he feels about breaking up and he said he feels sad and will miss me but he thinks it's the right thing to do.... drop by his place to pick up my things and then he said ' I've already packed them for you. It's in the car.' That was the worst part. Perhaps he is relieved, perhaps he isn't but we won't know that. For all we know he could be curling up in his bed night after night brawling his eyes out but is too proud to initiate anything. I'm not saying that is what is happening or wishing that that is happening I'm just saying there is no guarantee. And I think, knowing him as you do, it's probably a virtual guarantee - he isn't.... I am doing this for me because I know it will make me feel better and everyone is different. I know taramaiden that you are very pro NC etc and that make work for you and others but for me it doesn't You have no idea.....It won't make you feel better, honestly. And you haven't given it a chance to work, because you're pining..... I will always regret what i didn't do rather than what i did do because I will not be plagued for the rest of my life with 'what ifs?' You need to give it a lot more time. A lot more. If all else fails and nothing seem to go as planned then I know within my heart that I did my best and tried. I will be at peace at last. No, you'll be ripping out the stitches, tearing the wound to bits, and hurtling back to square one..... .....but you're not going to listen. Are you....?
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 No contact is not for everyone; it is only for people when the relationship really will not work because of things like: - one person does not love the other or feel strongly enough about them to continue. There is just something missing. - if cheating is involved. Some people simply cannot get past it, and must go no contact, even if both people really love the other and have strong urges to be together. - if one or more people in the relationship have serious drug or mental health issues that cannot be overcome overnight. NO CONTACT works initially but if either person sorts themselves out they may end up together IF they are supposed to, and have strong enough feelings about one another. - if both people are in love, but one of them is really immature emotionally, and has no clue how to treat women: he loves the girl as much as he CAN love a person, but is not capable of true love. Which is not enough for most women. ..............A common thing I have talked about is: if the guy has true feelings for a girl, no contact still may be best. This is NOT YOUR SITUATION. Your ex did not have strong enough feelings for you to maintain a relationship. And that is why no contact is best. Look, you could be hotter and more clever than the next girl, but you have to understand: not everyone is going to love you, no matter how brilliant you are. You cannot click with everyone romantically, or even in general. Please, take peace in the fast that it is just a natural thing in life, that even the most most beautiful women will not be able to click with every guy! Sometimes the feelings just are not there. That is the case with you and your ex. There is absolutely nothing left to work out. He does not have the capacity to feel strongly for you, so he did the right thing abnd left you before he got attached. 2
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Just because I am in a very talkative (or typative!) mood, I will elaborate further. ...Please listen carefully: The ONLY WAY people get back together, is if: They both felt strongly enough about each other to begin with. If he felt strongly enough about you, then perhaps he would be open to working any issues out. But he does not have the feelings for you TO want to work anything out. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Well, I don't want my time as a desperate, obsessive, nightmare ex girlfriend to be be for nothing;) 1
Author foreverastone Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) Leigh 87 - do tell me what happened with you? You mentioned that you did a coffee date thing and i wondered what happened? will you be willing to share? and also are you suggesting that I should do nothing and wait for him to initiate? I have my doubts about that cuz he's terrible at keeping in contact, even with his parents. His parents had to threaten to cut off funds to his tuition account if he didn't call home more often. Edited October 9, 2012 by foreverastone
TaraMaiden Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 ......are you suggesting that I should do nothing and wait for him to initiate? I have my doubts about that cuz he's terrible at keeping in contact, even with his parents. His parents had to threaten to cut off funds to his tuition account if he didn't call home more often. If he initiates, you need to keep Ignoring him and staying in No Contact. Again, read the guide to find out why. The only thing you should ever respond to is an on-the-doorstep communication, begging your forgiveness, on his knees, and pleading to let him try again. Anything else is just yanking your chain and tearing at your heartstrings. THis is one time you should be glad he keeps a low profile. Sobbing his heart out at night - he ain't. Acting true to form, more like it - and thank goodness for that.
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