xoxo26 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Hello, I'm new here. I live and been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. I love him to death but he has a tendency to become controlling and jealous. We constantly argue until I broke up with him, but gotten back together in less than a week since I could not bear to see him sad and promised to change(which all i've heard before). He has become a very important part of my life...He has changed a bit and not so controlling and jealous anymore,I just hope he is consistent. The thing is, he has a very high sex drive and wanted to makeup right away. I told him not to rush things as I am still processing the hurt and hatred that I felt as a result of always fighting with him, and more so with the break up. How can I get him to understand that i need more time before I can just jump in bed with him? Can girls out there relate to my situation?
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 No. Because going back to someone who is controlling and jealous - without getting some kind of guarantee that they will seek professional help through therapy/counselling for their behaviour - is insane. he won't change out of personal effort alone, for two reasons: One, a temperament like this develops over a long period of time and can't be addressed overnight. Two: he's doing it for the wrong reasons. he's doing it to manipulate you back into his life, not because he honestly recognises the problem, and genuinely wants to change - for himself. So you 'going back' is weak-willed, and frankly you're being a push-over. You've capitulated far too quickly, and he's already making demands. His sexual drive is not your business to satisfy, if it's merely a tool for him to get his rocks off. You need to walk away, as quickly as possible, and tell him that while he's this unstable, you don't feel safe and secure. he needs help - but that's down to him, not you. You can't fix him. Quit being a doormat, and get the hell out of there. Fast.
Themrandres Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Well I believe if honestly honestly show him ur not a afraid of leaving him he will see that he needs to change his ways. Like I've been the guy in that situation and once I realised that I could lose her my sex drive changed completely, and it wasn't just me holding it in it was me realizing what I had and saw it was more than just all about sex. So if he loves you enough and sees how u feel and see he can lose you it will work out.
Author xoxo26 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 No. Because going back to someone who is controlling and jealous - without getting some kind of guarantee that they will seek professional help through therapy/counselling for their behaviour - is insane. he won't change out of personal effort alone, for two reasons: One, a temperament like this develops over a long period of time and can't be addressed overnight. Two: he's doing it for the wrong reasons. he's doing it to manipulate you back into his life, not because he honestly recognises the problem, and genuinely wants to change - for himself. So you 'going back' is weak-willed, and frankly you're being a push-over. You've capitulated far too quickly, and he's already making demands. His sexual drive is not your business to satisfy, if it's merely a tool for him to get his rocks off. You need to walk away, as quickly as possible, and tell him that while he's this unstable, you don't feel safe and secure. he needs help - but that's down to him, not you. You can't fix him. Quit being a doormat, and get the hell out of there. Fast. I seriously love him although I do not say "I love you" anymore for fear of him changing back to his old ways. He somehow knew that I'd take him back each time we fight. This time though, it took longer than usual.He says that he will be patient and understand me as much as he could...which really melts my heart in a way, although I wouldn't show it. lol I still do the usual things we have always done...I even cook for him!He is the only guy that I cook for, so he's quite lucky. I just wish he'd understand and not hold it against me that I somewhat withhold sex for him to change his behavior. I just would like to see how it goes in about a few weeks without fighting and see if he has really changed.
Author xoxo26 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Well I believe if honestly honestly show him ur not a afraid of leaving him he will see that he needs to change his ways. Like I've been the guy in that situation and once I realised that I could lose her my sex drive changed completely, and it wasn't just me holding it in it was me realizing what I had and saw it was more than just all about sex. So if he loves you enough and sees how u feel and see he can lose you it will work out. I know...that's why I made it last a few days to see what he's planning to do. He made so many promises of improvement (which I've all heard before but didn't really took me seriously since he knew I would always take him back). He said this time, that he has really realized his mistakes and will change because it is really bad behavior, he can be a really spoiled brat. I'm giving him a chance though I do not want to expect too much because I might be let down again. I am still a bit angry about the inconsequential fights in the past...but we'll see how this goes. I am trying to let go of the past and start over again. I wish he'd see my effort and not try to push it. Thanks!
gamman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I love him to death but he has a tendency to become controlling and jealous. The thing is, he has a very high sex drive and wanted to makeup right away. I told him not to rush things as I am still processing the hurt and hatred that I felt as a result of always fighting with him, and more so with the break up. How can I get him to understand that i need more time before I can just jump in bed with him? Can you see that what he is doing? He is still being controlling even in the "reconciliation." So, the reality is that you cannot make him do or see anything. Genuine change has to come from within, and it comes when a person is truly ready to change. He doesn't even seem close to any of that. Remember, a relationship isn't what it could be or has potential to be, it's what it is in this exact moment. That's it. Right now, it appears to be exactly what you don't want it to be -- him being controlling. Unfortunately, there's little you can do to change him. I'd think long and hard about wanting to jump back into this relationship.
Author xoxo26 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Am I wrong for giving him a another chance? or am I the only one who thinks that giving him another chance was wrong? I just tend to see the positive in things. I really want us to work out and I think he can understand if we just communicated better. The heart wants what it wants, I guess...
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 No, you're not wrong, necessarily - but he probably doesn't see it as being kind and seeing the good in him. He probably sees it as a weakness and an attribute he can exploit to his advantage. Look, if you really need to learn the hard way, fine. Take him back. Forget everything we've said. And sure... of course he will improve - by the necessary degree to keep you with him. Then, when he sees it's all back on an even keel again, he will revert to type and begin the behaviour again. And if you call him out on it, will probably lose his temper - and tell you you're trying to change him and control him. He will put the blame on you, and make you feel you're the guilty one. Because his changing won't be done because he wants to change for the better, for himself - his change will be because he wants to keep you where he wants you. Unfortunately this type exists. And they home in on your type - because thy know you're good-natured and therefore malleable. have you any idea how many people come in here posting about controlling, abusive partners - and how difficult it is for them to dump them - because their will-power and dignity has been so eroded? How many people stay with partners of that kind, because they believe they're needed, the partners can change, they just need the chance....? You're one of hundreds. But Luck is on your side. You can get out now, and prevent this from escalating. Or you can stay. And we'll hear back from you in a while, complaining he's back to his old tricks, and that you don't know what to do. Lather, rinse - repeat.
Author xoxo26 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Thank you all for your answers. I am taking it to heart. I just can't help thinking what is he really does change? How will I know? I guess it's only fair to give it enough time...
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. You refuse to enter into a relationship until he gets counselling/therapy for his control issues. He has to walk the talk, and pro-actively prove - through his actions - that he is serious about this. Until you see an improvement and see proof of his having counselling - even if it means going with him - then he's on his own. Put that to him. see how fast he bites your head off.
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