robaday Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Its been a month now since she told me not to contact her again. And I havent. But I havent really let go in my head yet, and Im not sure when I will be able to. Ive written 20 emails to her and deleted them, Im not sure why Im even writing them, or why Im holding on to something that left a long long time ago, perhaps a year ago. Ever truly held onto something that was really bad, staying in until the bitter end? because you love someone, or you dont have the guts to say goodbye? I keep replaying incidents in my head, keep telling myself it was an awful relationship, keep telling myself Im wayy better off anyway. But for some reason it still hurts, I still have regrets, I still have a tiny part of me that is absolutely devastated we never quite made it. For every amazing experience I had with her, it was counter balanced by horrific incidents, abuse, addictions as well as suicide threats. Why hold on? why not let go? thats what Im asking myself
ReadMyThread Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Its been a month now since she told me not to contact her again. And I havent. But I havent really let go in my head yet, and Im not sure when I will be able to. Ive written 20 emails to her and deleted them, Im not sure why Im even writing them, or why Im holding on to something that left a long long time ago, perhaps a year ago. Ever truly held onto something that was really bad, staying in until the bitter end? because you love someone, or you dont have the guts to say goodbye? I keep replaying incidents in my head, keep telling myself it was an awful relationship, keep telling myself Im wayy better off anyway. But for some reason it still hurts, I still have regrets, I still have a tiny part of me that is absolutely devastated we never quite made it. For every amazing experience I had with her, it was counter balanced by horrific incidents, abuse, addictions as well as suicide threats. Why hold on? why not let go? thats what Im asking myself This is normal. I am also in about a month or so since the break-up + no contact and I haven't let go just as you haven't. I CAN'T! As hard as I try I just can't. I keep telling myself, "She's not coming back. She doesn't want you and that's why she left. Stop holding on." but no matter how many times I say this, there is always that thought in my mind, what if she did come back. Then I go about how it wouldn't be the same but that doesn't seem to effect me either. Although I think in-time we will be able to let go. Months from now will be so much easier. I just wish I could speed up time. Hang in there! You got this. Be strong. 1
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) let me see if I can clarify. Do you know what the greatest emotion is? It's not love. it's not even hate. It's certainly not Anger. The underlying emotion, to each and every thought word and deed - is - Fear. Nations use it in military terms to overcome, overthrow and subjugate, through the might of the army, and war. So conflict is a wonderful weapon to use - even against your own nation - by instilling fear into the populace, against a seen - or unseen enemy (such as the threat of terrorism). Being at war means we retain our liberty, and hold on to security and peace of mind. We can sleep safe in our beds knowing the Government is watching our backs and smiting the enemy. The other weapon, is religion. Fear of eternal condemnation, of final judgement, of heavenly divine retribution. By keeping God in our hearts, we have the guarantee of a Final Place at his side, safe from the torment of an eternal hell. Hold on to God, you'll be OK. Fear. Wonderful thing, fear. Such a wonderful manipulative tool. It undermines your own reasoning and confuses your mind, because as with any type of fear, you don't have all the information. Lack of information keeps fear buoyant. What do you fear in letting go of this? you fear solitude, a loss of the familiar, a closing of the door, a separation from something which made you feel secure, 'saved' and comfortable. You fear the unknown. You think - "What will happen to me if I cut all ties? What is there left, if I leave aside what is left?" What IS left, that you're clinging to? Edited October 5, 2012 by TaraMaiden 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Ive written 20 emails to her and deleted them, Im not sure why Im even writing them My guess is that it's a coping mechanism. it is a good thing. Just make sure not to send it to her. Ever truly held onto something that was really bad, staying in until the bitter end? because you love someone, or you dont have the guts to say goodbye? Yes, yes. Going through that right now myself... I don't have the guts to say goodbye because I know it's going to hurt like a bitch. But being in a limbo does not help at all. I keep replaying incidents in my head, keep telling myself it was an awful relationship, keep telling myself Im wayy better off anyway. But for some reason it still hurts, I still have regrets, I still have a tiny part of me that is absolutely devastated we never quite made it. For every amazing experience I had with her, it was counter balanced by horrific incidents Almost every relationship has good sides and almost everyone has good memories with their ex'es. But those are just that: memories. They were what you did together when the relationship started, most probably. In some cases, the memories are more recent, but that is probably rare -- usually, most relationships that end up in break-ups, the good memories were in the first stages of the relationship, rather than the last stages.. If there weren't any good memories, the relationship wouldn't even have taken off the ground. Cherish the memories, because they are with a person you IMAGINED her to be, not with the person that she really was. It's not a bad thing to remember this stuff. Over time, I am guessing and hoping that the pain of remembering will lessen if not completely disappear. Give it time.
Appleness Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 let me see if I can clarify. The underlying emotion, to each and every thought word and deed - is - Fear. Yep. I couldn't have said it better myself. Fear is our greatest motivator which is why the whole push/pull dynamic works (to our disadvantage). Every time they pull away, we try to push harder because we are afraid of losing them. Doing the opposite (you pull away too) usually makes them fear losing you (unless they have a backup plan already) and will do the pushing instead. I probably don't need to tell you about the great things that come out of conquering your fear. Often, we break because we think "Oh my gosh, if I loved them and they're THAT BAD, I guess I could always do worse" but it's not true. Learn from your mistakes and look for someone without some much baggage next time. Don't get sucked in by the drama. Yes, I know the wild-child crazy girls are usually great in bed and super duper fun to be with in the beginning but I think it gets old fast. The bad boy thing has that same effect on women too. Right now, just get your mind off her and work on getting back who you were before the relationship ate away at you. As for why you should let go; you tell yourself you have to because it's the only thing you CAN do. You're in the "harder" phase of "It gets harder before it gets better" but don't worry cause you'll get through it. Keep posting and kudos for not sending out those emails. You're on the right track.
I'm nuts Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Almost every relationship has good sides and almost everyone has good memories with their ex'es. But those are just that: memories. They were what you did together when the relationship started, most probably. In some cases, the memories are more recent, but that is probably rare -- usually, most relationships that end up in break-ups, the good memories were in the first stages of the relationship, rather than the last stages.. If there weren't any good memories, the relationship wouldn't even have taken off the ground. Cherish the memories, because they are with a person you IMAGINED her to be, not with the person that she really was. It's not a bad thing to remember this stuff. Over time, I am guessing and hoping that the pain of remembering will lessen if not completely disappear. Give it time. Great point!! Most relationships get boring after time, be it before marriage or after when you are with someone a long time boredom will set it, the best times are always in the beginning, i.e the honeymoon period, after that it becomes routen and after that a bore
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