Dating "friend's" ex?

[Annabell]

Kind of long, I tend to over explain, there's a tl;dr at the end.

 

I moved to a new town a couple of years ago for work. My boyfriend came with me. A little over a year ago now we had a really bad break up. After years together in a great relationship he kind of snapped and became very abusive towards me and I moved out. I haven't really dated since.

 

When I started my job I worked with a really great guy who, at the time, since I was in a relationship, I really wanted to just pursue a friendship with. I didn't know anyone else in town and we had a ton in common and he had a great sense of humor and I thought he'd be a lot of fun. But as much as we got along at work he never really responded to invitations to do anything, to come to parties at my place with my boyfriend, anything like that. So I just assumed he was just polite because we were working but didn't actually care to get to know me.

 

When my now ex and I first split I didn't really know where to go, because I had become rather afraid of him and didn't want to stay with any of the friends he knew because I didn't want him to come look for me. There was a girl at work I kind of got along with but didn't know very well, and out of desperation tried to open up to her a bit about the situation. She connected me with another coworker who had the room to take me in until I found my own place. We began to talk and hung out a bit, and she seemed okay, but after awhile she kind of started rubbing me the wrong way.

 

In the meantime I was talking to this other guy at work and developed a bit of a crush on him. I wouldn't say I had a crush on him really when I was with my ex, I was aware that if I were single he'd be the kind of guy I'd want to date, but it wasn't something I ever really thought much about since I was in a good relationship. So once I was newly single I kind of started indulging that idea, even though I wasn't ready to date again. He was just really great and being around him made me happy.

 

A little bit later the lady-friend confided in me that she and coworker had dated very briefly a few years before, and she was still pretty bitter that he didn't want to see her anymore. As she described what she considered a relationship it became very clear it wasn't; they never went public with it, they only went on a couple of dates, she never met his family, met his friends once and admitted she spent most of the day fighting with them because she didn't like them, and shortly after he said they shouldn't see each other since they didn't have much in common and literally had completely opposite life goals and therefore not much of a future. This, to her, was completely unreasonable and she didn't get why he didn't like her.

 

I was pretty crushed, feeling like now this guy was completely off-limits, even though he showed no interest in me at all and I didn't think I had a shot anyway, this situation just made it seem so final that it was just never going to be able to happen because my friend was kind of hung up on him. Even though it was nearly three years later.

 

Over the past few months as I've gotten to know her, I've realized that I really just can't stand her. Just who she is as a person is so opposite of how I am and what I believe. She threw a small party and I was the only one who offered help clean up afterwards and she spent the whole time making fun of the other guests, things they had said she thought was stupid, making fun of outfits, things like that. She is honestly one of, if not the absolute, nastiest people I've met. She's so negative, completely devoid of sympathy, and so completely full of herself. She harps constantly on every single boyfriend she's ever had. Since being a teenager. And just won't let go that anyone could possible have not liked her.

 

I kept trying to distance myself from her, but working together made it kind of hard because I was afraid to make waves and have to deal with her all the time having her all sour. She does not take any kind of criticism well. I'd tried to talk to her about some of the things she does that bothers me, or tried to address nasty things she's said to me and she just shuts down and tells you why it's really all your fault and it just never seems worth it. So I just tried to be polite to her and most of the time when she invited me out I'd either a, point out that I don't really like the things she wanted to do, or b, told her I was busy, which a lot of the time I was. But I wasn't really sure how to severe the "friendship" without causing issues.

 

So eventually we start to get some distance, we both moved to other departments and so I only ever really see her at meetings. Neither of us see the other guy at work ever.

 

A few weeks ago he kind of out of the blue invited me and some of our mutual work friends to a party at a bar one of his friend's was throwing. We all went, and we had a blast. He and I spent the whole night talking, taking turns buying each other's drinks, just having a really good time, kind of flirting. At the end of the night he kissed me and I was just kind of really floored. He told me he'd been wanting to do that pretty much since he met me. We started talking about it, turned out he had a crush on me from the get go but because I was in a relationship didn't want to do anything, but couldn't really be around me and my ex because it bummed him out so much. Then when he heard I was single again he was afraid to come on too strong before I was ready and wanted to wait until time had passed before he tried to ask me out. The whole thing caught me so off guard and I was really quite pleased with it. We've hung out a few times since then and he really is amazing. It's the fist time I've really felt comfortable around another guy since my break up or felt any kind of real connection or romantic feelings for someone.

 

But I still feel really guilty about my other "friend". Even though we barely ever talk anymore, I know I am still one of her "best friends" because she seriously ends up driving everyone around her crazy and they stop talking to her. And she can never understand why and just blames it on other people being flaky and never sees that maybe's she's doing something wrong, and if any of them try and say it's because she did something wrong she defaults to it being an issue of jealousy or their ignorance. I know she'd be really mad and hurt if I started to actually date this guy, but I mean, I don't even like her. Am I really "betraying" her if I don't consider us friends? It didn't bother me too much at first but she called me the other say to say she missed me and that she wants to get dinner to catch up and my stomach just got so knotted. I hate making people feel bad, even if I don't really like them. Now that I don't work with her much I feel a little more comfortable confronting her about issues I have with her, but I know it'll still upset her, and I know this would make her really mad.

 

But at the same time, they were never even a couple at any point, it was years ago, he can't stand her so it's not like they'd be together if only it weren't for me. She kind of needs to deal with the fact that he's going to date other people. And he's just so great to me, and we get along so well and have so much fun together. Our (the guy's and the girl's and mine) mutual friends who are aware of what's going on keep telling me to just go for it and date this guy but I just feel so guilty and I don't know if I should feel that way or not. I also don't know if I should just go ahead and officially severe ties with this girl regardless. I feel incredibly mean to just say "I don't want to be your friend and also I'm dating this guy you consider an ex bye," but it feels wrong to try and hide it and it feels wrong to keep letting her think we're friends when I can't stand being around her and it feels wrong to not see a guy I really like because a non-friend is rather delusional about their history together. No matter how much time we've spent apart of how much we've kind of fought when we did talk lately, I know me not wanting to spend time with her anymore would kind of come out of the blue for her because she really can't comprehend people not thinking she's just the greatest.

 

TL;DR, A had a crush on a guy then became sort of friends with a girl I knew, and found out they briefly dated a few years ago. After getting to know her I realized I really can't stand her, and the guy has confessed feelings for me that he's had a long time. I really want to date him, but I feel guilty that this girl who still thinks we're friends even though I don't hang out with her anymore is going to feel really betrayed and angry if I date him.

[CC12]

I hear this "rule" being tossed around a lot - that you should never ever date anyone any of your friends have previously dated. I've never really understood why people take that rule so seriously. There are only a few circumstances where an ex should be off-limits, and this is very much not one of them.

 

You can't spend your life trying to appease unreasonable people, especially when you don't care to maintain a friendship with them.

 

Date the crap out of him, OP. You get to enjoy a relationship with someone you find pretty special, and maybe your friend will get so irrationally upset that she won't want to be friends with you anymore. Win-win. There are no downsides to this, except maybe your friend will throw a fit. That's her decision, though, and you don't have to deal with it. Hang up the phone, walk away, don't engage.