JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) To those familiar with my story with my ex who I didn't date for too long... #1 I don't know why and how I fell for her too deep too soon. I wish I knew the answer. We were really only together for a month and a half, but again, I don't know what the hell happened to me, why I got so attached. #2 I sent her a message today, I took the high road, wished her all the best, thanked her for everything, my final speech and goodbye text since she's not picking up my calls. All I wanted is a closure of why.... a closure that she has never given me. I'm having such a hard time to move on because I don't know what the real problem was... #3 I spoke to her cousin and I was told that "yeah, she reads your messages but she's not responding because she just doesn't care, that's how she is. When she's done with someone, they don't exist". I was also told that she never felt anything for me, that at first the excitement of getting to know someone new was there, but when things started getting more stable, she lost interest. She's been single for 5 years, she always mentioned "I want what I can't get", she always said "I like the thrill". She keeps condoms under her bed and has A LOT of guy friends who she regularly hangs out with. After our break up, she offered to be friends, which now makes me think that all her guy friends she hung out with when we were still together and still hangs out with were men who were once in my position, men whom she had slept with and intimate with. Except I turned the friendship offer down. I have a really strong gut feeling that I was lied to the entire time, that I let her hang out with just her and a guy who she probably had sex with in the past. I feel like she treated me like a disposable object. We spent 3 to 4 days each week, a lot of time together, did a lot of things together, we were intimate, we met each others' families, and for her they all meant nothing. When we broke up, I could not help it but cry and I tried hard not to, but I could not stop the tears, I hugged her and she just stood there and kept playing with some green necklace. When I couldn't take how cold she was, I walked away. She did not even look at me and just went inside her house and 30 minutes later I called her to talk things out, her response was "I'm out with friends". What a F*cking cold hearted b*tch!! Made me believe that things were real. I got played, I got f'd over. After all the compromise I've done and accepted her even with the fact that she has a history of sleeping around, this is what I got in return. I am now just a name on her list of men that she f*cked that she did not give a sh*t about at all. It's not her that I'm not over with, it's what I let myself go through, it's what I let happen to me, it's what I let her do to me. Although, I have to admit that I still have little feelings for her. Edited October 5, 2012 by JayL
JustALittleBit Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I sent her a message today, I took the high road, wished her all the best, thanked her for everything, my final speech and goodbye text since she's not picking up my calls. All I wanted is a closure of why.... a closure that she has never given me. I'm having such a hard time to move on because I don't know what the real problem was... You're not taking the high road at all actually. People have told you not to contact her, I told you not to contact her. Sorry to be harsh, but if you were my ex I would now be treating you the same because you're virtually stalking her with your constant attempts to contact her. Particularly the part where you said she's not picking up your calls, why the hell are you still calling her?? Seriously, get some self respect and quit annoying her. Closure can only come from within. Nobody can ever explain why people do the things they do, even if you got an answer you wouldn't want it. Yeah she treated you badly but your response since your breakup has now put you on the same level as her. 2
Mike_d Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 ya, you're sorta asking for it now. what JALB said...
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 I sent her a message today, I took the high road, wished her all the best, thanked her for everything, my final speech and goodbye text since she's not picking up my calls. All I wanted is a closure of why.... a closure that she has never given me. I'm having such a hard time to move on because I don't know what the real problem was... You're not taking the high road at all actually. People have told you not to contact her, I told you not to contact her. Sorry to be harsh, but if you were my ex I would now be treating you the same because you're virtually stalking her with your constant attempts to contact her. Particularly the part where you said she's not picking up your calls, why the hell are you still calling her?? Seriously, get some self respect and quit annoying her. Closure can only come from within. Nobody can ever explain why people do the things they do, even if you got an answer you wouldn't want it. Yeah she treated you badly but your response since your breakup has now put you on the same level as her. I broke NC after about 3 weeks. We broke up 4 weeks ago. I haven't contacted her nor tried to get closure, I was trying to move on but every single day I wake up with her in my mind and continuously ask myself "what happened..." I go to bed at night and ask myself "still don't know what happened"...
CptSaveAho Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 dated for a month and a half... if a girl came on me as strong as you did to her I would have dumped her too and ignored her. the problem wasnt her, the problem is you projecting a relationship and going on full force like you did its a month and a half relationship, its been what 4 weeks now? get over it bro, man up and line the next girl up.
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) I still don't understand why she introduced me to her entire family and even extended family if that was her intention.... Her cousin told me that her family only met 2 guys.. Her ex boyfriend whom she was with for 5 years, then NOBODY for another 5 years, and then there comes me who she introduced to everyone only after 2 weeks and I NEVER asked for it. The reason why something deep inside me refuses to believe what happened.... She said she just wanted someone to hang out with ,have fun with, then few days later she tells me she wants a relationship, we were even official. When she told me she only wanted someone to spend time with and have fun after just the first week, I started ignoring her and that was the time when she started coming on strong, invited me all the time to come over, had sex with me, introduced me to her parents, then a week later her cousin's family etc. When I gave in, the "thrill" faded and things got real, she pulled back and the situation got flipped over. Then this... it's driving me nuts... I guess that was the very last light of hope I had left in me, to send that last attempt today. Now that I've proven to myself that there really was nothing, I can finally move on. I'm so stupid... Edited October 5, 2012 by JayL
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 You are PROJECTING what you think, how you are, what certain things mean to you onto her. She isn't YOU! You were just another guy she chewed up and spit out. With women like her, they are a rollercoaster. You go up and down, do some loops, laugh and have a good time. The ride doesn't last long. When the ride is over... you check for any personal belongings and exit to your right. Thanks... It's maybe because I've never met a girl like her in my life... I've gone on many dates in the past, had many flings, I've been in 3 long-term relationships, but this one on our first date was more aggressive than I was, she said she wanted us to go somewhere, a few days later started talking about the future and potential future she sees in us etc etc. I just wish I knew that it was all bullsh*t. I should not have trusted the fake genuinity she showed.
Mike_d Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 When she's done with someone, they don't exist". I was also told that she never felt anything for me, that at first the excitement of getting to know someone new was there, but when things started getting more stable, she lost interest. here is all you need to know, the rest of it is trying to extract a logical answer from an illogical situation. acceptance is the key now, stay hard cold dark NC since she doesn't give a rats ass one way or the other, and work on figuring out why you projected so hard, what hole you were trying to fill, and fix the issue that is causing it so that you don't do this again. unless of course you like this kinda pain.... :shrug:
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 here is all you need to know, the rest of it is trying to extract a logical answer from an illogical situation. acceptance is the key now, stay hard cold dark NC since she doesn't give a rats ass one way or the other, and work on figuring out why you projected so hard, what hole you were trying to fill, and fix the issue that is causing it so that you don't do this again. unless of course you like this kinda pain.... :shrug: What hole I was trying to fill... perhaps I really thought that she was the one and I'm at the point where I'm ready to actually be in a relationship again after being single for about 2 years... Anyway, it seems like everything she said about herself wasn't really true after all... Things that made me like her... I should not have trusted her fully too soon. All your comments made me realize something. It's not the fact that I'm (or was) hooked with her, I think I'm just angry of what she did to me and I let it happen to me willingly. Cannot believe I got so into this girl in 1 1/2 months.... this never happened to me in my life even with my ex-girlfriends. Thank you everyone. Thank you... I needed that wake up slap/kick in the teeth etc. I feel like a loser... lol.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I can relate to the OP. In some ways it sounds like what I recently went through -- fell really hard for a girl who I had been seeing for a short time (about two months), a girl that has a lot of guy friends. She's not quite as promiscuous as your girl, I don't think she's a serial guy user and she dropped me more because I got freaked out about my feelings and pulled the eject lever than because she knew she had me, but she's had a similar reaction to me that your girl has had to you since the break. But yeah, she's a girl that in general has stuck with short-term boyfriends, kind of like a female version of me, because I have mostly have had short-term girlfriends. Both of us were afraid to make a leap, I reacted by freaking out and ejecting, she reacted by withdrawing. She went from wanting to do everything with me to basically falling off the face of the Earth and that made me feel like s--t for a while, because I thought something special was building. But now, I just don't care. If she doesn't want to hang out or talk to me, then f--k it. No need wasting my time moping and wondering about it. Life's too short.
kalaslsl Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Learn from this experience and pay attention to the warning signs next time
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 And on top of it all - you're over-thinking this. I bet you feel as if your entire brain is tied in knots. No wonder. You need to quit this obsession, because it has become much, much bigger than the event.
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) I can relate to the OP. In some ways it sounds like what I recently went through -- fell really hard for a girl who I had been seeing for a short time (about two months), a girl that has a lot of guy friends. She's not quite as promiscuous as your girl, I don't think she's a serial guy user and she dropped me more because I got freaked out about my feelings and pulled the eject lever than because she knew she had me, but she's had a similar reaction to me that your girl has had to you since the break. But yeah, she's a girl that in general has stuck with short-term boyfriends, kind of like a female version of me, because I have mostly have had short-term girlfriends. Both of us were afraid to make a leap, I reacted by freaking out and ejecting, she reacted by withdrawing. She went from wanting to do everything with me to basically falling off the face of the Earth and that made me feel like s--t for a while, because I thought something special was building. But now, I just don't care. If she doesn't want to hang out or talk to me, then f--k it. No need wasting my time moping and wondering about it. Life's too short. That's pretty much what happened, except I'm a long-term relationship type of guy and have only been in long-term relationships, so I gave in thinking things were great and got hit hard off guard. I was way high up on cloud 9 pretty much when the cloud I was riding on poofed out of nowhere... And on top of it all - you're over-thinking this. I bet you feel as if your entire brain is tied in knots. No wonder. You need to quit this obsession, because it has become much, much bigger than the event. Mhmm.... I don't think it's an obsession.... I think it's the fact that I keep asking myself what I did wrong. Why she did things that she did for me and with me, things that only a "serious" couple does together and in the end be told that she does not feel anything for me. I don't know... it may be because I have never encountered and have gone through something like this in my entire life. If a woman was not interested in me in the first place in the past, she would end it after 2 to 3 dates. This one, we got to the point of her introducing me to her entire family, having sex each week, but at the same time, she would occasionally pull back. It was a roller coaster that confused the sh*t out of me and perhaps, I really was trying to find the answer. I wasn't obsessing over her, I'm over her. Although deeply infatuated, it was only a month and a half, but even up to now the question "What happened and why would she do that to me?" is lingering in my head and it's something I just can't get rid of no matter how busy I keep myself. I wasn't clingy, I'm the type to message good morning and not hear from me the entire day until night time when I call to say goodnight, unless she messages me some time in the afternoon, then of course I'll respond, but I always cut it short since I'm busy at work. If she's out with friends, all I said was "okay, have fun" and not hear from me again until she calls me when she gets home. If her and I are both free, I'll either ask to hang out or she will ask me to hang out. I'm just the type to rather spend the time together or talk in person than on the phone or text. Oh well........ I guess soon I'll be over this "question" that's been lingering in my mind for a month now. Edited October 5, 2012 by JayL
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 .... I wasn't obsessing over her, I'm over her. Although deeply infatuated, it was only a month and a half, but even up to now the question "What happened and why would she do that to me?" is lingering in my head and it's something I just can't get rid of no matter how busy I keep myself. ... Oh well........ I guess soon I'll be over this "question" that's been lingering in my mind for a month now. You are so not OVER her. If you were over her, you wouldn't even have posted. When you can look on the whole relationship - the whys, hows, how-comes, the "why did she do this if she didn't intend...." It really doesn't matter, honest. One day, you'll look on this and think, "What? Oh, that..... meh....." and shrug. benign indifference. Couldn't care less. But now? You're still not over it. And darling, it's time you were....
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) If you review your first post and what you said... There were 10,000 Red Flags and she flat out told you what to expect and how it was going to end. Girls who tell you "they want a thrill" and "they want what they want"... Just want to sleep around, not fall in love! How can you think this came out of nowhere? Are you blind or deaf? Are you really that inexperienced and naive? For crying out loud, you only dated the idiot for a month and a half. Time to grab yourself by your balls and toughen up. Very true... I did see a lot of RedFlags. I did not really mention the times when I attempted to end it with her, I tried about 3 times to end it with her and she always came to me saying she wants to try because she knows that there could be something in the future. That she cares for me, that she wouldn't have introduced me to her family if she wasn't sincere etc etc. A couple of days before we broke up, I called her and said "Hey, I really think we should end this, it has been a rollercoaster. I just believe that if someone really wants to be with someone, there should not be a rollercoaster." I told her that once a couple gets intimate, there should be a good grip on the ground already no matter if it's been a month, a year etc. As it is the time spent together that really counts. Then she rushed to my place at 12 midnight, started crying in front of me saying "I want to try... I just know that there is something". Then there I was... stupid me. I think I am just in deep regret that I agreed to continue on and let her land the final blow. You are so not OVER her. If you were over her, you wouldn't even have posted. When you can look on the whole relationship - the whys, hows, how-comes, the "why did she do this if she didn't intend...." It really doesn't matter, honest. One day, you'll look on this and think, "What? Oh, that..... meh....." and shrug. benign indifference. Couldn't care less. But now? You're still not over it. And darling, it's time you were.... Almost there... Thank you everyone. Everyone has been a great help. It's something I've never encountered before and I did not even know at all that people (men and women) like that exist. Lesson learned and it's something I can use to contribute to this forums if anyone has a similar experience. Edited October 5, 2012 by JayL
Simon Phoenix Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 You'll get past it. I got past mine, or at least am 97 percent past it. Yours sounds a lot more chaotic than mine was though. Mine was pretty much smooth as hell until emotions got involved. Then it turned into stupid town. But eventually you won't care to know the answer of the question that keeps reverberating in your head. Because honestly, it doesn't really matter.
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 You'll get past it. I got past mine, or at least am 97 percent past it. Yours sounds a lot more chaotic than mine was though. Mine was pretty much smooth as hell until emotions got involved. Then it turned into stupid town. But eventually you won't care to know the answer of the question that keeps reverberating in your head. Because honestly, it doesn't really matter. In the end of the day, the reason why they screwed us over is not what matters, but the fact that they screwed us over is what matters and I think the only closure we need if they don't have the decency to give us the closure....
Calico Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 In the end of the day, the reason why they screwed us over is not what matters, but the fact that they screwed us over is what matters and I think the only closure we need if they don't have the decency to give us the closure.... I'd skip the labels and the self-victimization and just put it this way: What matters is that they don't want to be with us. 3
Mike_d Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 What hole I was trying to fill... perhaps I really thought that she was the one and I'm at the point where I'm ready to actually be in a relationship again after being single for about 2 years... what hole? who knows, that's to be revealed in the work you have ahead of you -- but going this overboard in 4-6 weeks is the sign of a problem with boundaries and self esteem at a minimum. just the observations from the outside
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) what hole? who knows, that's to be revealed in the work you have ahead of you -- but going this overboard in 4-6 weeks is the sign of a problem with boundaries and self esteem at a minimum. just the observations from the outside Perhaps it's due to the fact that I belong to a huge circle of friends in long-term relationships and mine happened to go down the drain a couple years ago, while they are all still together and I'm always the 101st wheel. It used to be me + my girlfriend (during that time) plus all my friends with their girlfriends sitting at a restaurant, a bar etc having fun together. Since my single life, it was still the same except I sit beside an empty seat. Not to say that it is the only reason why I want a relationship, I've always wanted one and I'm at the point in life where I should start getting to know someone and build a foundation with a woman. I'm not going to live with someone who I've only known for a year tops. Edited October 5, 2012 by JayL
Mike_d Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) Perhaps it's due to the fact that I belong to a huge circle of friends in long-term relationships and mine happened to go down the drain a couple years ago, while they are all still together and I'm always the 101st wheel. lol, ya, I get that. but we need to learn to be warm, fuzzy, and comfy in our own skin without worrying about what others think or seeking their affirmations PM sent, check it out Edited October 5, 2012 by Mike_d
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 lol, ya, I get that. but we need to learn to be warm, fuzzy, and comfy in our own skin without worrying about what others think or seeking their affirmations PM sent, check it out Perhaps... It's also because I believe that I am ready for something that will go somewhere and no, definitely no marriage talk until I'm at least 30 (I'm 26 now), unless the right woman comes along. I'd say that I'm doing well for my age.. a good career, a place, a car, good set of friends, wonderful family. There's only one thing missing that I want in my life and that's a partner. Got the PM. Thanks very much.
Mike_d Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 another possible point of view... 9gag.com slash gag slash 5385024
Author JayL Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 another possible point of view... 9gag.com slash gag slash 5385024 Hahaha! That is epic! I know someone who's like that... My buddy's boss... lol. 1
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