lovehurts5 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 5 months out of a 4 year relationship, 4 months since i've seen/been with him, 1 month since he's contacted me. I have also heard that he has been talking about me to friends about how he wouldn't mind getting back with me... I went about 100 days NC before he texted me on September 9th. Ever since that day I feel the need to talk to him but haven't. I miss him a lot but he's so hard to read and I could either text him and he'd show me he's happy about it or make me feel stupid. His birthday is on the 26th... I want to contact him before that but idk what to say...
JustALittleBit Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Seriously do not contact him. You can message him for his birthday, make it short and simple. If he is so keen on getting back with you like his friends have said, he will jump at this contact and try to make conversation, in which you can then reply and play it cool and see where he leads it. What good will talking to him before possibly accomplish? NONE. You will get hurt, if he is thinking about wanting you, you need to present a challenge, show that you're fine, but you're still a geninely nice person and haven't forgotten him so you will message him happy birthday because you don't hate him - cue him pursuing you. If to your birthday message, he doesn't strike up the conversation, you can still walk away with your head held high knowing that you presented him with the perfect opportunity to chat without embarrassing yourself. Also, in your birthday message, don't ask him any questions or you'll never know if you're just chatting because you initiated it and he was being polite. Just be friendly, add a smile and if he wants a future with you he will pursue, if not then you need to take that as the final cue to move on. 2
Author lovehurts5 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Justalittlebit- great ideas thank you very much for uour response. I'm going to do just that. Millers- it wasn't a bad breakup per se but what happened a couple weeks after the break up was ba. He kissed someone in front of me after I ran into him at a bar. The whole time at the bar he had been talking to me and my friends and said wed only be brokeb up fir a month.. that was his original plan but he didn't realize when I saw him kiss a girl that that plan would backfire... He doesn't have a fb so it'd have to be a text. I'm just going to wait for his bday this way I'm not embarrassed if nothing comes of it.
Calico Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Breaking NC now or on his birthday makes no difference. Feeling that it's "fine" on his birthday is just your addicted brain making it seem more delicious to you. The result will be the same: you'll hurt yourself some more. What are the possible outcomes? a) He ignores it -> you hurt. b) He answers politely ("thanks") -> you hurt. c) He responds affectionately -> you hope, then hurt. d) You end up meeting -> you hope, meet, then hurt. What's there to gain, really? This is the man who you saw kissing another girl in a bar, shortly after the breakup. Do you feel that it's likely that a few more months of absence have lowered the chance that he's (been) going after other women? You need to move on, and you're not doing this as long as you just wait and hope. You still spend too much time thinking about him. You shouldn't worry about feeling embarrassed. You should worry about ripping the wound open, not how something looks to him. He certainly didn't care how it made you feel or look when he kissed the girl in front of everyone.
Author lovehurts5 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 All that i'm expecting is a "thanks". Nothing more. So I wouldn't be hurt if that's all that came from it. I kind of just want to show him that i'm still alive and doing well and make him think a little. Even though he broke my heart I still want to be nice... which is weird I guess... I just feel like it's something I need to do.
Calico Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 So the purpose is to tell him, "Hey, I'm still here, still thinking of you, still waiting!"? I feel it would be just a reverse-breadcrumb, and is bound to look a little desperate. It's not "being nice", it's "not moving on". (But I'm all for people doing what they feel they need to do. And in three months you can send a Christmas card, too!)
suladas Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 It's impossible to say exactly how that will come across. Anything from oh it's nice she's still thinking of me to why won't she leave me alone she's just doing it to try and talk to me I did it to my ex about a month ago, she got a new job so I sent a text congratulating her, got no response. In my head I was just doing it to be happy for her and was simply just expecting a thanks or something like that nothing further. But really, I was hoping for more. No response hurt a bit I won't lie. It also pissed me off a bit because I though i'm just trying to be nice nothing more and you ignore it? If it was just a thanks, I would of been fine with that though. Overall I don't think sending that message set me back though. The thing is, the way you intend the message to come across doesn't mean it's the way he will see it. So it's a gamble if it will end up good or not.
Author lovehurts5 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 If he doesnt reply with a thanks ill be dissapointed but I feel like it'll also give me the push to stop feeling the way I do now. if he does reply I know there's no guarentees with where thatll lead. I don't think texting him happy birthday would look desperate because out of the 5 months being broken up he has tried to get in touch with me 3 times and I have reached out 0 and have responded twice. I have been holding it all in or writing on here whenever I get the urge to talk to him and I think I've done a pretty good job of NC. But id be lying if i said hes not still constantly on my mind. He doesn't know this and he's not going to find out how much I miss him unless he comes crawling back which i dont foresee happening. Its very complicated.
Mike_d Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 my post-it notes on the monitor in front of me: the person who cares the least controls the most attachment is the cause of all suffering
Calico Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 attachment is the cause of all suffering (This isn't really directed at Mike, just rambling a bit about this!) Most people read this as "you should be indifferent". I did for a long time, too. But that's not what it means. It doesn't mean one shouldn't care. Rather, it just means that if you resist the most natural thing in life, change, then it'll tear you apart. Life is all about change, all about impermanence. Fighting change, resisting change, denying change -- that's what causes the suffering. That's true for relationship where people don't want to accept that it's over, and it's true for one's body that ages no matter how much we fret about it (and how much money we spend on covering it up), and that's true for our lives too. We'll all die. Just like everything else, feelings included. (That's a good thing as it means we won't feel like crap forever either! So YAY for change and impermanence!) I think the trick is really to live in the moment. To not always want something we don't have. To not always want something other than what we have. It's surprisingly hard to live in the present, I feel. When I watch my thoughts, I find that I'm either dwelling in the past or worrying about/making plans for the future. And that means I completely miss out on life as it happens all around me, and all that it offers right now. I feel so much happier and better when I get to a point where I only focus on what's happening right now and am content with it, when I take it for what it is without putting a label on it or trying to judge it ("good", "bad", "don't want this", "it's not fair!", etc.). Doesn't work all the time, or even often, but when it does ... then it's almost bliss! I think that's what "all suffering comes from attachment" means. The refusal to go with the flow of life and instead try to paddle upstream against the current of a raging river, clinging to the oars like a moron and rowing like crazy until you're completely exhausted, have bleeding hands and still don't manage to change a thing: the river will still eventually take you downstream. Might as well go with it and appreciate the scenery instead of suffering like a pig. 1
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