How to go no contact when still in love?

[Leigh 87]

:(How do you successfully break up and go no contact with a guy when you both really love each other still?

 

People on here suggest I break up with my boyfriend because I am not ready for a relationship.

My boyfriend will not accept it. Our daily lives are very joyfull and happy - it is only deap seated issues that I write about on here, that have no bearing on our otherwise happy relationship that lead me to believe I should be single.

 

How do I go about this? It feels really strange to just delete the guy when in our day to day lives we are so happy:(

We both feel like we are in the most loving and fun relationship, so it is very bizarre to say " well, I have issues, so lets just stop talking. goodbye!!"

 

....do I really just ignore his calls, not answer my door when he will inevitably try to see me, and ignore him totally until we are over each other?

What if it takes a year or more to get over it? I honestly think he wil be pretty messed up for a long time.

 

Lastly: I do not think I want to never talk or see him again. Why not just work on my issues and still call and talk to one another occasionally?

I know we won't move onto other people anytime soon, so it is not as though we really have that to feel bad about.

[Appleness]

At the end of the day, no one can really tell you what to do nor should you do something that you feel is wrong just because someone said so.

 

I haven't reread your thread to know what your previous posts were about. If you feel that you're happy and you don't have to break up, then don't. If you feel that you have issues with your SO, then try and talk to him about it. Most people (and I am one of them) are on here advocating NC because the whole communicating thing is literally killing the OP. They have Stockholm Syndrome essentially, and they make up all these excuses for why the relationship failed and how their exes are actually good people (while forgetting that 2 paragraphs up they just described abuse and disrespect). You should go NC if nothing is wrong or you haven't tried working through the problem, otherwise your ex comes on here with a thread titled "My gf disappeared and I have no idea what happened".

 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are comfortable with the decision, then stick with it. You have to be okay with owning up to the course you decide on and don't come back on here playing the victim later if you regret it. Think long and hard before you act.

 

Good luck

[Leigh 87]

agh. He is not accepting it. Just got off the phone to him then (he's at work)

 

I seriously do not know what to do? He still expects to go to his friends tonight and have his usual boys/ poker night, and he expects me to come and get him still..

He has an aversion to sleeping alone these days and always gets excited about coming home to me.

 

He is otherwise highly indepandant and has never been depandant on a girl, and has always hated relationships and prefered being single (bar me and his ex, only 2 girls so far in 25 years)

 

I feel like such a b*tch saying " actually, u will have to sleep on your mates floor/ couch because we are going no contact in order to have propper time apart".

 

......Do you think we can just tone down contact for now? I am in therapy and we are really happy every day in spite of my issues.

[Appleness]

again, if those issues DON'T bother you, then you don't need to act.

 

if they DO, then you decide what you want to do about them.

 

And trust me, someone telling you that they don't accept your reasons for breaking up will throw those same reasons in your face years down the road. Been there, done that.

[Leigh 87]

At the end of the day, no one can really tell you what to do nor should you do something that you feel is wrong just because someone said so.

 

I haven't reread your thread to know what your previous posts were about. If you feel that you're happy and you don't have to break up, then don't. If you feel that you have issues with your SO, then try and talk to him about it. Most people (and I am one of them) are on here advocating NC because the whole communicating thing is literally killing the OP. They have Stockholm Syndrome essentially, and they make up all these excuses for why the relationship failed and how their exes are actually good people (while forgetting that 2 paragraphs up they just described abuse and disrespect). You should go NC if nothing is wrong or you haven't tried working through the problem, otherwise your ex comes on here with a thread titled "My gf disappeared and I have no idea what happened".

 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are comfortable with the decision, then stick with it. You have to be okay with owning up to the course you decide on and don't come back on here playing the victim later if you regret it. Think long and hard before you act.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

Our relationship is completely wonderful, but I have issues I often post on here about. Our time together is always great. We are effortlessly our true selves and adore each other for simply being ourselves.

I have personal issues that I feel get in the way of me and romantic, serious relationships. I do not want to bring my partner down with me because I have issues. I care too much about him and want to do the right thing.

 

He is open to trying anything to make us work out long term, so not seeing each other often rather than no contact altogether is something he is open to.

We were not supposed to work out because I had serious mental issues, he was WAYYY immature with sexual issues, I THOUGHT I needed a certain sexual type: and I told him to have sex with hookers because i did not think he was the type who was ready to settle down for life with one girl ( sexually).

Those above things have caused a lot of threads from me. We have resolved everything and are defintaly sexually compatable ( just took some self discover on his side).

 

I just think I need to focus on my mental health and saving money and studying these days. I have got student jobs (bar and cashier) and hope they work out, so I can study and save.

I am thinking that since I have a lot to do anyway, that we wont see each other much.

Right now I have more than enough to keep my occupied: work, part time study (I am more interested in saving for a travel to study full time but that will change after I get some travel out of my system), I love working out a lot and want to make it a daily part of my life, and I am also learning Spanish (I am going to ttravel through south america next year and go to Spain beforehand for a week long, short trip)

 

Not as busy as a full time student who works full time and also has other sh*t going on, but I am busy enough to not need him around me all the time.

 

 

I think it is a little harsh to just go no contact with a guy who claims to want to spend the rest of his life with me.

[Leigh 87]

again, if those issues DON'T bother you, then you don't need to act.

 

if they DO, then you decide what you want to do about them.

 

And trust me, someone telling you that they don't accept your reasons for breaking up will throw those same reasons in your face years down the road. Been there, done that.

 

 

 

he does not think we should break up at all. He wants me to work on my issues, and is prepared to give me space if it is what I need.

 

I mean - LOL - I called him, telling him " okay, time to be apart for a while byebye" and he retorted with " don't be silly, I'll call ya before you start work"

 

even when I seriously say " look I need time to mentally heal" he says " okay do what you need to do, I am sure we will work out after you sort your issues out"

 

ANd we always end up talking regularly, as we ..... cannot seam to NOT talk? We do have our own lives and would be bored if our partners were all there was to our lives.

[thembones]

I was a guy who "wanted to spend the rest of my life with my ex". She knew very clearly that fact and she felt the same way. That did not stop her from breaking up with me though, so I guess that her "not wanting to try anymore" outweighed "wanting to be with me forever." I tried to get her back, but stopped quickly. I have resorted to No Contact of any kind. We live very close, and I go out of my way to avoid her at all costs. I have not seen her or heard from her in a month. As much as I love her and as much as she says she "loves/d" me, it is the only way. You just need to completely remove yourself from their life if you are unhappy.

 

Babies cry, Dog's poop, Old people complain, and Relationships end (no matter how good).

[Leigh 87]

Please, just give me advice as to what is the right thing to do:(

 

I have mental issues that I tire him out at times (albiet we are very happy).

I worry that if I do not sort myself out, it will bring Andrew down too much.

 

The best thing for both of us is for me to do some work on myself, before entering back into a full time, relationship arrangement.

I can see us seeing each other on the weekends, but just daily contact is not something that I think is best for either of us at this stage.

[Leigh 87]

I was a guy who "wanted to spend the rest of my life with my ex". She knew very clearly that fact and she felt the same way. That did not stop her from breaking up with me though, so I guess that her "not wanting to try anymore" outweighed "wanting to be with me forever." I tried to get her back, but stopped quickly. I have resorted to No Contact of any kind. We live very close, and I go out of my way to avoid her at all costs. I have not seen her or heard from her in a month. As much as I love her and as much as she says she "loves/d" me, it is the only way. You just need to completely remove yourself from their life if you are unhappy.

 

Babies cry, Dog's poop, Old people complain, and Relationships end (no matter how good).

 

 

 

 

We both know relationships normally end, statiscially speaking! Yet we both love what we have going so much that we are willing to risk getting hurt in order to fully love and experience our current relationship to the fullest.

 

I am very happy with him! I just have mental issues that make me questions things in general.

[thembones]

I am very happy with him! I just have mental issues that make me questions things in general.

 

Our relationship was great on the physical level and we really enjoyed all of our time together. But in the end, she was just not as happy and ended it. She started to question where we were going and how we were going to get there. If you are seriously questioning it, then you should be brutally honest with yourself and figure out what you want to do. It sucks and I understand the love and fun the two of you experience together. I cannot speak for any conditions, but you really have to figure out what you want and where you see the relationship going.

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry to hear about your ex...... It is just so confusing to me that two people can feel completely in love, as though your love is rock solid, only for it to end.

 

Perhaps some people have what it takes; the connection and the fun filled relationship, yet still managed to grow apart.

 

I just thought that " some connections are forever, and some are not. WHAT is the difference?! Are the ones that last forever stronger to begin with, than the relationships that fail (but thought they were the "one" for each other initially)

 

When I love someone and they love me, it just feels so certain to me that we are alla bout each other. Our days, future plans, and lives are centered around each other out of choice.

 

Especially when you laugh a lot and have a great connection, you just think " wow, how could this possibly end if we are both really invested in maintaining the relationship?"

[Mme. Chaucer]

You seem to be dead set against working on your issues from the inside, with a professional therapist trained to work with people who have similar things going on as you do.

 

You will NOT go deep.

 

Why?

 

And why are you torturing your relationship AND this person you claim to love so much?

 

If you are so happy and joyful, then why don't you just BE HAPPY AND JOYFUL and stop the madness? Are you seriously expecting anyone here (or your boyfriend) to believe that you are breaking up because strangers on LoveShack tell you you should?

 

This "breaking up" is just exactly the same as any of your other dramatic moves. It has nothing to do with working on yourself.

 

Why won't you get honest?

[Leigh 87]

If you have mental issues... Go see a Professional.

 

You don't sound like a horrible person. It could just be a chemical imbalance or something you and a therapist work through.

 

 

I'm not a horrible person at all, but I can be a handfull with my mental issues. It is not a chemical imbalance, I highly doubt it - when I sort throguh my personal issues I feel fine - there are no highs or lows or mood swings that I cannot find an obvious reason for.

 

And I think I am mean at times to Andrew; he gets up VERY early to do a very dangerous job (tree lopping, attending to trees that need to be removed from peoples properties and the roadside, and he alsop drives trucks)

I know he has to get up early, yet I can cr@p on and keep him awake with pointless issues. Yes I am generous and kind to people, but I can do terrible things to those I love, without meaning to impose harm on them.

 

I only keep him awake sometimes if there is an issue - like last night, he drove home and met me ont he way (I was going for a walk). I told him I would do his shopping for him (his money, not mine) because he despises shopping and wanted to go to bed early, as he was sick of being soo tired for his 4.40 am starts.

I asked him if we could quickly stop in at he shops, so I could run in and grab his shopping for him, and then we could both drive on home.

He said he wanted to go straight home, so he did. He told me to come give him a hug and see him off to bed, and to drive around the corner to the shops to do my shopping after he went to bed.

So I ended up falling asleep in bed with him. I could not be bothered going to the shops at that stage and got annoyed about it.

I was like " ughhh I am sick of not always being able to do thigns for u, and feeling like sh*t as a result of it"

He needed the food shopping for the following day.

 

 

 

That is an example of the occasional arguments we have. We never fight for long and always go to sleep happy though.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I told him I would do his shopping for him (his money, not mine) because he despises shopping and wanted to go to bed early, as he was sick of being soo tired for his 4.40 am starts.

I asked him if we could quickly stop in at he shops, so I could run in and grab his shopping for him, and then we could both drive on home.

He said he wanted to go straight home, so he did. He told me to come give him a hug and see him off to bed, and to drive around the corner to the shops to do my shopping after he went to bed.

So I ended up falling asleep in bed with him. I could not be bothered going to the shops at that stage and got annoyed about it.

I was like " ughhh I am sick of not always being able to do thigns for u, and feeling like sh*t as a result of it"

He needed the food shopping for the following day.

 

That is an example of the occasional arguments we have. We never fight for long and always go to sleep happy though.

 

That was an argument?

 

My read on it is that it's an example of you smothering him. A mature thing to do would have been to have left him alone and gone shopping.

 

I know you are not a horrible person. But you have NO BOUNDARIES. You need some very badly.

 

So, anyway … you are not broken up after all?

[Leigh 87]

You seem to be dead set against working on your issues from the inside, with a professional therapist trained to work with people who have similar things going on as you do.

 

You will NOT go deep.

 

Why?

 

And why are you torturing your relationship AND this person you claim to love so much?

 

If you are so happy and joyful, then why don't you just BE HAPPY AND JOYFUL and stop the madness? Are you seriously expecting anyone here (or your boyfriend) to believe that you are breaking up because strangers on LoveShack tell you you should?

 

This "breaking up" is just exactly the same as any of your other dramatic moves. It has nothing to do with working on yourself.

 

Why won't you get honest?

 

 

 

 

I am not sure how to get honest? I am open to trying anything to move forward in life and make my life go as well as possible.

 

I got to know a new therapist but have not been back for two weeks, but thought I clicked with them and she wants to help me regularly.

 

I sort of need to work more shifts if I am to afford weekly therapy. Alas, I have started working and plan for it to work out so that I can save a couple of hundred a week for therapy and travelling.

 

Our relationship is very calm in real life, I have just been through a hard time (as most people go through at some stage) and did not know what to make of our relationship at first.

 

In the end it has worked out, the only unhealthy thing is my tendency to pick at things when the relationship is perfectly healthy, in terms of how he handles it (treats me great, never argues, has tried new things for me and loved them, always happy with the relationships, never questions anything and jets a little jealous at the right times where it shows he cares, rather than being an overprotective guy which I would hate)

 

I am actually agreeing with you, that I should get more intensive help and work on my own life before entering back into a full time relatioship.

 

Maybe after 6 months of once weekly therapy, I will have the tools to be full time living together with Andrew again.

 

It really is not breaking up, more like not seeing each other besides weekend, where we are not together long enough for my issues to surface.

 

Even if we barly saw one another, we have a great connection over the phone even, so I would not be worried about him moving on to other people after 6 months.

 

 

 

And I do love Andrew, I had a two year relationship before where I cheated on the guy, when I was about 18 and had a long distance relatioship in the beginnin

[Leigh 87]

That was an argument?

 

My read on it is that it's an example of you smothering him. A mature thing to do would have been to have left him alone and gone shopping.

 

I know you are not a horrible person. But you have NO BOUNDARIES. You need some very badly.

 

So, anyway … you are not broken up after all?

 

 

He wanted me to give him a hug goodnight and I fell asleep lol. I do not want to smother him!?!?!

I guess I should back off sometimes, the trouble is his mother died not long ago and they were extremely close, and I feel like I have taken the place of being the closest person to him.. His mother was like me - very warm and caring of Andrew and people in general. She would also smother him.

 

One of his longest and closest friends said to me that I have sort of taken the place of his mother... You know, I am very close with him and do anything for him to make him happy (I do his shopping as he hates shopping while I love it), I pick him up and drop him off at his mates house so he can have a " guys night".

But his friends can see it is romantic not platonic:sick: lol, the friend meant I have taken on the roll of the main person in his life' before it was his mother, and now I am the main fixture in his life who does anything for him when he needs me to.

 

His best friend said I am the best thing that has happened to Andrew, and they are touched to see their perpetually single friend finally settle down with a women. They think we are very alike in our attitudes.

 

And I am not sure what we are; in his mind we are a couple still, but he wants me to work on my issues for as long as I need, and is supportive of me taking time off from him in order to achieve any success with it.

[Leigh 87]

And what are the boundaries you speak of?

 

We both have clear cut unspoken boundries, such as:

 

-no close opposite sex friends unless they are from our past and only seen when out in a group

 

-no one on one time with close female/male friends

 

- obviously not getting overly close with members of the oppiste sex that we are sexually attracted to and are the sorts of people we could see ourselves falling for

 

- when we have nights apart and occasionally go out with our friends, we know where the other is going, without constant calls of course, but we never just go and do things without the other knowing the others wherabouts.

 

.................We never cross any innappropriate boundaries, as ever since the hooker debarcle I had a talk with him and established ground rules as to what we BOTH agreed upon. They were unspoken things we already thought of already.

I would absolutely not stick with Andrew if he was out disrespecting me, but what are these OTHER boundaries you speak if that are NOT related to cheating or betrayel?

[D-Lish]

I've been in the kind of relationship you are talking about. You describe your relationship as basically calm, but my intuition tells me that your relationship has these periods of calmness because you choose to disregard how you feel in favour of keeping him calm?

 

I might be wrong, but when I was younger I used to be involved with someone where I kept the relationship "calm" because I chose not to cause waves. Had I spoken out against anything, there would have been waves...

[Mme. Chaucer]

And what are the boundaries you speak of?

 

 

It's too complicated to explain; you can talk to your therapist about it or even probably learn a lot by googling.

 

It's not all about you and Andrew. I'm talking about YOU. It seems like if you feel like saying or doing something you just do it. You don't have personal boundaries.

 

Are you aware that you have poor credibility here on LoveShack? That's because you contradict yourself so frequently and wildly. I am not trying to label you as a "liar," I think it's more of a boundary issue yet again. And impulse control. It's an example of you saying just about anything when you feel like it. But it's not the real story.

[CptSaveAho]

I've been in the kind of relationship you are talking about. You describe your relationship as basically calm, but my intuition tells me that your relationship has these periods of calmness because you choose to disregard how you feel in favour of keeping him calm?

 

I might be wrong, but when I was younger I used to be involved with someone where I kept the relationship "calm" because I chose not to cause waves. Had I spoken out against anything, there would have been waves...

 

DING DING DING... no waves = boring

 

Time to check out...

[Leigh 87]

I've been in the kind of relationship you are talking about. You describe your relationship as basically calm, but my intuition tells me that your relationship has these periods of calmness because you choose to disregard how you feel in favour of keeping him calm?

 

I might be wrong, but when I was younger I used to be involved with someone where I kept the relationship "calm" because I chose not to cause waves. Had I spoken out against anything, there would have been waves...

 

 

Your right; he is always calm. He never feels bad about the relationship. As far as he is concerned he loves and adores me, and we are a very close and happy couple. And he is right about those things.

 

When it comes to small things that would be deal breakers in the long term, he just does not bring them up, as he assumes they will resolve themselves. We are both willing to put in effort to make things that are lacking better so he never fears things I find to be lacking.

 

For instance, I am not good at head jobs as I find it hard to go hard and fasr with them. He never mentions it but when asked, he said " sure, eventually I would like them more often and for you to be able to get me off through them, but you know, we are very happy and we have time to fix that, it aint a deal breaker"

 

Likewise, we have both had a lot on lately and he ha snot had time to give mr orgasms (I only orgam through oral). I feel less close and hurt when I go without it for long periods. Futhermore, I have not afforded to get waxed, and he likes that SO much.

 

HIS STYLE: to not whinge about things that can be fixed.

 

MY STYLE: to be like "man this sucks, I wish you liked giving me oral when I was hairy so I would not have to wait until I get waxed, I miss getting orgasms etc etc"

 

He would rather fix things than go on about them.

 

Those are the only issues we have that we want to work on. Everything else is sweet at this stage. We are on the same page with our feelings and the important stuff.

[Leigh 87]

It's too complicated to explain; you can talk to your therapist about it or even probably learn a lot by googling.

 

It's not all about you and Andrew. I'm talking about YOU. It seems like if you feel like saying or doing something you just do it. You don't have personal boundaries.

 

Are you aware that you have poor credibility here on LoveShack? That's because you contradict yourself so frequently and wildly. I am not trying to label you as a "liar," I think it's more of a boundary issue yet again. And impulse control. It's an example of you saying just about anything when you feel like it. But it's not the real story.

 

 

Well I have thought that certain actions from Andrew indicated that he was not as into me as he should be, but in the end it was just where he came from and who he was. I was not going to put up with it but he proved me wrong.

 

I have painted him as a guy who has done things that clearly show he does not love me, yet in the end the truth comes out, and I have seen that yes he does ultimately love me a great deal.

I do not have issues with love at this stage at all I know he loves me.

 

And I think I give great advice to people. I believe in seeking out people your really into, and only bothering in a relationship if it is going somewhere.

I discourage people who are treated poorly, and tell them to go through short term pain, for long term gain (break up with a guy who is not that in love with them and be sad, to go on to find a guy who really would give them what hey need)

[Mme. Chaucer]

Those are the only issues we have that we want to work on. Everything else is sweet at this stage. We are on the same page with our feelings and the important stuff.

 

Your ONLY ISSUES revolve around the giving and receiving of oral sex? And you are posting here about how to go "no contact" with him?

[CptSaveAho]

lol...........................................................................

 

stop reading the excuses... you girls know how this is......

 

i love how you are painting such a pretty picture and trying to create this perfect breakup scenario

 

stop painting it white, end it, get a second job, go work out more and get more therapy.

 

report back in a year

 

This relationship was over months ago... anybody with half a brain could have seen it.

Edited October 5, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[D-Lish]

I'm reading, and I'm seeing some wants, sexual needs, things being met by one party, not by the other.

 

What is it that's really not working out for you guys?