MY ex contacted again...I feel weird now

[Gulf-Delta]

Ok, so she randomly texted me today trying to tell me about a record sale in town. The last time she texted was mid september, and it was idle...she told me she was "thinking about our apartment days," etc. When I brought that up, she said she meant nothing by it, and wasn't even planning on starting a conversation...

 

So then this happened.

 

We talked and caught up a little. And then we got down to business...

 

I told her basically, that I was not okay with just being an acquaintance she talks to every 3 months. I emphasized several times, I was not mad, I did not hate her, I thought fondly of her and the past, but communicating so sparsely felt like cheapening the two years we were together. She said she "didn't think about that" and "didn't think it would be a big deal"

 

I told her I respect her, and I still care for her, but talking like that was cheap to our history, and not fair to her current boyfriend (She said he knows that she contacted me and is okay with it).

 

I told her basically "look, I still care, and hold no bad feelings toward you, but if we're gonna talk, it's not gonna be only when it's convenient for you." That "I can't do something one-sided with you, be it friendship, relationship, whatever"

 

She seemed...confused, I guess. I could tell she was uncomfortable, but it needed to be said. I basically told her off saying, unless things change, I don't wanna hear from her.

 

She just said "okay" and apologized, and I said she didn't need to be sorry, I'm not mad, and I know she didn't do it for any malicious reason, but a friendship (or whatever) of convenience is not cool.

 

My birthday is coming up, and I said I wondered if I was gonna hear from her, or if I should wish her sister a happy birthday (her sister's is right after mine), and she said she was planning on telling me happy birthday "but I won't if you don't want me to," and I said it'd be okay if she did (stupid of me?)

 

Now, could someone give me advice here? Maybe explain what was going through her head, why she texted, etc...

 

I feel bad for two reasons...1) I feel like I hurt her feelings (I still love this woman, and her being hurt makes me feel terrible), and 2) I feel like after I said this, that's it. Like I will never ever hear from her again. But I don't want that. I want her back, but I feel like I just blew any chance of that EVER happening. Like there was a 1% chance of a reconciliation, and I just shot it to 0. There's so much I wanted to say, but I didn't, and now I feel like I'll never get the chance.

 

I just need help here. Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me I didn't blow my future chances. Stop me from sending a Facebook message to her. Give me some insight into what all of this means? Help!

Edited October 4, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[Fitnerd]

She's with someone else now, you may want her back but keeping in touch with her is not helping your chances.

 

The only way is to move on...

 

Yes it sucks to hear that but think about it, what other options do you have?

 

You said it yourself that you can't do something one-sided with her, be it friendship, relationship, whatever.

 

Just move on... And the only way to do that is NC (keeping contact with her is hurting you!).

 

Also, don't feel bad for hurting her feelings, you were being honest, she was confused because she doesn't know how much she hurt you (I'm guessing she's the dumper) and is still hurting you with those breadcrumbs she's sending. You've been here long enough to know that!

 

It's hard, trust me I know... but like TaraMaiden said to me:

I know it's tough. Letting go of anything we're very attached to, is tough.

But the way to look at it is this:

As things currently stand, as they are at the moment, what is it exactly, that you're attached to?

And what good is it doing you?

[Gulf-Delta]

She's with someone else now, you may want her back but keeping in touch with her is not helping your chances.

 

The only way is to move on...

 

Yes it sucks to hear that but think about it, what other options do you have?

 

You said it yourself that you can't do something one-sided with her, be it friendship, relationship, whatever.

 

Just move on... And the only way to do that is NC (keeping contact with her is hurting you!).

 

Also, don't feel bad for hurting her feelings, you were being honest, she was confused because she doesn't know how much she hurt you (I'm guessing she's the dumper) and is still hurting you with those breadcrumbs she's sending. You've been here long enough to know that!

 

It's hard, trust me I know... but like TaraMaiden said to me:

I know it's tough. Letting go of anything we're very attached to, is tough.

But the way to look at it is this:

As things currently stand, as they are at the moment, what is it exactly, that you're attached to?

And what good is it doing you?

 

I don't keep in touch with her. She's contacted me both times.

 

I'm attached to who she used to be. I'm still in love with that person. Letting go means I'm letting go of that person too. If I let go of current her, I'm letting go of the old her that I fell in love with.

 

I just can't let go. We've been broken up since january...and I still love her...I've given up on giving up at this point. It's been almost 9 months since we split, and I love her as much now as I did then...if I don't feel different now, I never will. I just have to live with it, I guess.

 

I wanted so bad to say "Look, I want to be with you, and I won't accept anything less." But for some stupid reason, I couldn't say that. I can't explain why. Just the same way she couldn't explain why she was texting me in the first place.

[Fitnerd]

I don't keep in touch with her. She's contacted me both times.

 

So? You can just ignore... This is VERY hard but you have to... for your own sake!

 

I'm attached to who she used to be. I'm still in love with that person. Letting go means I'm letting go of that person too. If I let go of current her, I'm letting go of the old her that I fell in love with.

 

I just can't let go. We've been broken up since january...and I still love her...I've given up on giving up at this point. It's been almost 9 months since we split, and I love her as much now as I did then...if I don't feel different now, I never will. I just have to live with it, I guess.

You just said that you are only attached to who she used to be, I'm sorry to say but that person is GONE and is happy with someone else now.

You don't feel different because you're still in contact with that person!

 

I wanted so bad to say "Look, I want to be with you, and I won't accept anything less." But for some stupid reason, I couldn't say that. I can't explain why. Just the same way she couldn't explain why she was texting me in the first place.

She's texting you because she still wants you around!

My ex never even tried to get in touch with me after the break (even avoided some mutual friend parties), in a way, that hurts but I'm glad I don't have to deal with trying to ignore her.

You can't be with her, you have no say in this, it's either moving on (will hurt a lot at first but will get better in time) or staying where you are (will not stop hurting).

[Gulf-Delta]

So? You can just ignore... This is VERY hard but you have to... for your own sake!

 

 

You just said that you are only attached to who she used to be, I'm sorry to say but that person is GONE and is happy with someone else now.

You don't feel different because you're still in contact with that person!

 

 

She's texting you because she still wants you around!

My ex never even tried to get in touch with me after the break (even avoided some mutual friend parties), in a way, that hurts but I'm glad I don't have to deal with trying to ignore her.

You can't be with her, you have no say in this, it's either moving on (will hurt a lot at first but will get better in time) or staying where you are (will not stop hurting).

 

 

I wish all of this was really so black and white, but it isn't.

 

A) I don't just ignore people. That's silly, and I don't play games. Who just ignores someone when they're being spoken to.

 

B) I feel like I wasn't clear with her about my feelings.

 

Why do you suppose she "wants me around"? She left. She walked out. She made the choice to exclude me from her life. Why does she want me around, but never do anything about it?

[Pacman]

I wish all of this was really so black and white, but it isn't.

 

A) I don't just ignore people. That's silly, and I don't play games. Who just ignores someone when they're being spoken to.

 

B) I feel like I wasn't clear with her about my feelings.

 

Why do you suppose she "wants me around"? She left. She walked out. She made the choice to exclude me from her life. Why does she want me around, but never do anything about it?

 

You're playing games with yourself bro. Get over her. Shes happy with someone else. Deep down the reason why you respond to her texts is because you hope that one day you two will end up together.

 

She walked out right?

 

You ask, who just ignores someone when they're being spoken to?

 

People who walk out on you, that's who.

 

She didn't care about your feelings when she walked out on you, why should you care about her feelings when you ignore her.

 

Man up. Find a new girl. Show her your world doesn't revolve around her anymore.

 

Easier said than done right? Then take baby steps.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Ok, so she randomly texted me today trying to tell me about a record sale in town. The last time she texted was mid september, and it was idle...she told me she was "thinking about our apartment days," etc. When I brought that up, she said she meant nothing by it, and wasn't even planning on starting a conversation...

 

So then this happened.

 

We talked and caught up a little. And then we got down to business...

 

I told her basically, that I was not okay with just being an acquaintance she talks to every 3 months. I emphasized several times, I was not mad, I did not hate her, I thought fondly of her and the past, but communicating so sparsely felt like cheapening the two years we were together. She said she "didn't think about that" and "didn't think it would be a big deal"

 

I told her I respect her, and I still care for her, but talking like that was cheap to our history, and not fair to her current boyfriend (She said he knows that she contacted me and is okay with it).

 

I told her basically "look, I still care, and hold no bad feelings toward you, but if we're gonna talk, it's not gonna be only when it's convenient for you." That "I can't do something one-sided with you, be it friendship, relationship, whatever"

 

She seemed...confused, I guess. I could tell she was uncomfortable, but it needed to be said. I basically told her off saying, unless things change, I don't wanna hear from her.

 

She just said "okay" and apologized, and I said she didn't need to be sorry, I'm not mad, and I know she didn't do it for any malicious reason, but a friendship (or whatever) of convenience is not cool.

 

My birthday is coming up, and I said I wondered if I was gonna hear from her, or if I should wish her sister a happy birthday (her sister's is right after mine), and she said she was planning on telling me happy birthday "but I won't if you don't want me to," and I said it'd be okay if she did (stupid of me?)

 

Now, could someone give me advice here? Maybe explain what was going through her head, why she texted, etc...

 

I feel bad for two reasons...1) I feel like I hurt her feelings (I still love this woman, and her being hurt makes me feel terrible), and 2) I feel like after I said this, that's it. Like I will never ever hear from her again. But I don't want that. I want her back, but I feel like I just blew any chance of that EVER happening. Like there was a 1% chance of a reconciliation, and I just shot it to 0. There's so much I wanted to say, but I didn't, and now I feel like I'll never get the chance.

 

I just need help here. Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me I didn't blow my future chances. Stop me from sending a Facebook message to her. Give me some insight into what all of this means? Help!

 

I think you did the right thing. I don't know the history or whatever but you broke up, you're still in love with her, and she's seeing someone new. That's not good for you. The best thing for you is to take a step back from the whole thing and get over her. Like you said, why bother with a one sided relationship? She can't give you what you need, and if she sticks around she'll make it worse. You need to go NC till you get over her and then reevaluate things, if you still want a friendship etc.

[Gulf-Delta]

Pathetic, weak, needy and desperate... Is what you showed her.

 

You have no mojo or confidence. Also, you talk, act and respond to her based on what you think she will think.

 

BTW - "Nice" Guys NEVER EVER get the girl back.

 

"Don't call me unless it's to get back together" is needy, pathetic, etc? How does that possibly make sense. I stood my ground, told her my expectations if she wants to be in my life in the slightest capacity.

[CptSaveAho]

"Don't call me unless it's to get back together" is needy, pathetic, etc? How does that possibly make sense. I stood my ground, told her my expectations if she wants to be in my life in the slightest capacity.

 

I laughed hard at reading her manipulating you in her responses. If I was her and I was talking to you as my ex in her shoes, i'd be making fun of you right now after I hung up.

 

LOL ""Don't call me unless it's to get back together" is needy, pathetic, etc?""

 

This is needy and pathetic, you are essentially begging her. This isnt standing any ground.

 

Shes out getting pounded by another guy who is just as much as a loser for allowing her to talk to her ex.

 

If you wanted to stand your ground youd man up, Move on, heal, and date someone worth a crap.

 

What is wrong with you?

[Gulf-Delta]

Was that before or after you asked if she was going to contact you on your birthday?

 

Before. Relevance?

[Gulf-Delta]

I laughed hard at reading her manipulating you in her responses. If I was her and I was talking to you as my ex in her shoes, i'd be making fun of you right now after I hung up.

 

LOL ""Don't call me unless it's to get back together" is needy, pathetic, etc?""

 

This is needy and pathetic, you are essentially begging her. This isnt standing any ground.

 

Shes out getting pounded by another guy who is just as much as a loser for allowing her to talk to her ex.

 

If you wanted to stand your ground youd man up, Move on, heal, and date someone worth a crap.

 

What is wrong with you?

 

I didn't beg or anything of the sort. I laid out that I will not accept being a backburner guy, or friends, said goodbye, and hung up. End of story.

 

I'll pray for you, dude.

[Gulf-Delta]

Gulf,

 

PM Mike_d and ask him about a book that you should read. When you get done with that one, read "No More Mr. Nice Guys" by Roger Glover.

 

Both of these will explain in GREAT detail what you need to learn / master. Not only will it help you and your life... It will also help you with all women and give you the VERY BEST chance of getting your Ex back.

 

Check both of those books out and what I am saying will make more sense to you.

 

Also, re-read the stuff I wrote about G.I.G.S.... I explain in great detail why she keeps reaching out and what you can expect in the future.

 

I know why she's reaching out (I wanted to hear her reasoning), and I know what to expect in the future. More and more breadcrumbs and she'll likely come crawling back on broken glass, as you say. I've told her it's better if we don't talk anymore. You think, even after that (me ending her joyride of supposedly free emotional support/safety/etc), that's she'll ever contact me at all?

[Mike_d]

hola amigos y amigas

 

jesus man...

 

required reading for those desperate pleading souls who reek of neediness and drive the women in their lives away

 

Ignore the title, absorb the words, then read it again.

 

http://www.osirusworld.com/temp/temp/TYG.pdf

 

and then as Gibson has instructed, get this: http://www.drglover.com/shop/no-more-mr-nice-guy/nmmng-ebook.html

 

look, I get what you are "trying to do" but what you are actually doing is 180* off of your intended destination. I used to play a game with my kids when they were 7-12 yrs old, drove them crazy but it was great fun for me, it was called "opposite day". Everything in opposite day was upside down, yes means no etc. You are having your own extended personal opposite day, but you have no idea why. You keep doing the same stuff expecting different results, ain't going to happen. be open to something new

Edited October 5, 2012 by Mike_d

[Skyy]

Thats good u held your ground on things must change, but not sure if u want her back or u cutting out of your life?

I agree with FITNERD!

[Mike_d]

lol.... ugh. that Glover book is me to a T. Just started it, on page 19/155, and about 3 things have >not< been me so far. Christ this is a hard read, but necessary, I'm committed to change cause what I'm doing so isn't working for me.

[Gulf-Delta]

Thats good u held your ground on things must change, but not sure if u want her back or u cutting out of your life?

I agree with FITNERD!

 

I want her back, but not as a friend. If she comes back, it needs to be for something more that just chit-chat about a sale at a record store or something.

 

Either way, I feel like with this final conversation, I'll never hear from her again. If she does, we'll see what happens, depending on the time, circumstances, etc. But more likely than not, she won't because she 1) doesn't have those feelings for me, 2) she probably thinks I hate her, 3) I'm no longer a safety net for her. I ended it all with "see you around, I guess" and those are probably the last words I'll ever say to her.

[Exit]

Gulf, you're getting a few harsh replies from people, but I think they may not be familiar with your whole story. I used to be pretty hard on you too because you always came across as being way too hopeful that this was going to work out. But I remember reading your older threads, whereas the other people who are being hard on you may not have seen those, so maybe I can see something that the other people don't - you have at least improved. When I saw you posting this thread that your ex contacted you again, I thought oh no. I was not expecting to see that you finally told her this type of contact can't keep happening. So you have taken some steps in the right direction, don't let all the tough-love people seem to be giving you overshadow that. You did at least finally say what needed to be said. This could have turned out a lot uglier.

 

It was not perfect. You did kinda screw yourself by going through all that, and then still agreeing that contact for birthdays would be acceptable. Should have just accepted that holidays go along with everything else and you will not speak on those days either.

 

There is a fine line to walk. You can appear needy and desperate by going with the flow and allowing the contact to keep happening, and yet even when you try to put it to a stop, when you come out and admit to an ex that you don't want to talk to them unless they want to get back together, I can understand the fear of that also making you sound desperate and needy. But you have to choose the lesser of two evils. Neither option is perfect, but when choosing between allowing this contact to continue, or finally telling her you can't keep doing this, you did the right thing. I know it was not easy, but it is better this way. We don't say it just to torture you, but to keep things in the proper perspective, and the fact of the matter still is, some other guy is banging her, and you don't need to be having casual conversations about record sales or whatever other crap she contacts you about.

 

If you had just played along with her contact, everyone would be criticizing you about that. You tried to stop it, and people are being hard on you about that too. I guess the best thing you could have done would have been not to answer at all. But there's something to be said for actually telling her out loud that she needed to stop, rather than just ignoring her. You may have made one or two mistakes, but overall, you finally found the nerve to say what needed to be said.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Exit

[Gulf-Delta]

Gulf, you're getting a few harsh replies from people, but I think they may not be familiar with your whole story. I used to be pretty hard on you too because you always came across as being way too hopeful that this was going to work out. But I remember reading your older threads, whereas the other people who are being hard on you may not have seen those, so maybe I can see something that the other people don't - you have at least improved. When I saw you posting this thread that your ex contacted you again, I thought oh no. I was not expecting to see that you finally told her this type of contact can't keep happening. So you have taken some steps in the right direction, don't let all the tough-love people seem to be giving you overshadow that. You did at least finally say what needed to be said. This could have turned out a lot uglier.

 

It was not perfect. You did kinda screw yourself by going through all that, and then still agreeing that contact for birthdays would be acceptable. Should have just accepted that holidays go along with everything else and you will not speak on those days either.

 

There is a fine line to walk. You can appear needy and desperate by going with the flow and allowing the contact to keep happening, and yet even when you try to put it to a stop, when you come out and admit to an ex that you don't want to talk to them unless they want to get back together, I can understand the fear of that also making you sound desperate and needy. But you have to choose the lesser of two evils. Neither option is perfect, but when choosing between allowing this contact to continue, or finally telling her you can't keep doing this, you did the right thing. I know it was not easy, but it is better this way. We don't say it just to torture you, but to keep things in the proper perspective, and the fact of the matter still is, some other guy is banging her, and you don't need to be having casual conversations about record sales or whatever other crap she contacts you about.

 

If you had just played along with her contact, everyone would be criticizing you about that. You tried to stop it, and people are being hard on you about that too. I guess the best thing you could have done would have been not to answer at all. But there's something to be said for actually telling her out loud that she needed to stop, rather than just ignoring her. You may have made one or two mistakes, but overall, you finally found the nerve to say what needed to be said.

 

If I did the right thing, why do I feel like I screwed up so bad?

 

Thing is, I want her to come back. And for whatever reason, even this far out, with such little contact, I feel that in time (months or years), after she matures, and I become more stable, our paths will cross again, for the better. I feel like this would be the case if I'd just let it be, but instead, I had to open my stupid mouth, and now I lost any chance/hope of us meeting again one day. The fact of the matter was, emotionally we were ready to commit. But really, we were just too young to be so serious. The love was there, but mentally, there was confusion. She loved me, I know she did, but at this point, it's clear she doesn't realize hwo important that kind of thing is. And I'll admit I took her for granted too. Nothing abusive, but sometimes I'd imagine/get scared of being with one woman forever. I never cheated, and never faltered in my love, passion or affection, but really, the timing wasn't right.

 

Us being young...it's fine. We can go date others, but I had this feeling that once we both grow up some, we'll realize where we should be...but now, this probably won't happen, ever.

Edited October 7, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[8542sd]

If you really love her and want her back , you must think over some aspects-

1. Are you sure that somewhere inside she still loves you?

2. Do you think she can get over all those reasons/problems for which she left you?

3. Are you sure that if you guys get back together you do this with maturity enough so as not to let those problems raise their heads up again in your relationship?

 

if the answer of these is yes, you can think positively about being with her again. But only if she wants to.

But if the answers are NO and she is not willing to come back to you i am afraid you will end up hurting yourself. And in that case You should be NC.

 

By the way,its really good that you still respect her and remember her fondly. Personally,I would say you deserve her but you should think whether she deserves you or not?