Silly_Girl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Interested in all childhood experiences of cheating and how it affects/ed you/your life then/your life now.
Nyla Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I have severe trust issues, along with being very cynical of men. Therapy has helped, but some things cannot be erased.
Author Silly_Girl Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I have severe trust issues, along with being very cynical of men. Therapy has helped, but some things cannot be erased. Were you aware when he was cheating, or did it come out after? How did your mother react? Are you anti-men in general or just anti-cheating-men?
Author Silly_Girl Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I was never told that's why my parents split up. I was taught to have respect and love for my father and had a good relationship with him for 10 years until he behaved like an ass in other ways. I became fiercely loyal to my mother and when my step siblings told me he'd cheated on their mother it all came out about cheating on my mother. (stepmother was NOT the OW). Do you feel your childhood would have been less/more happy if you'd known the situation? Did you feel both parties contributed, or it was the fault of one party?
ThatJustHappened Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Interested in all childhood experiences of cheating and how it affects/ed you/your life then/your life now. This is not me directly, but my uncle cheated on my aunt. My cousin (who is around the same age as me and my best friend) was the one who discovered it, as my uncle accidentally left his Facebook page open on their family computer..she was 16 or 17 at the time (she is the youngest of 3, and her older brother and sister were both away at college when this happened). My uncle moved out for about a year but then moved back home (they are still together but their relationship is extremely strained..I'm not sure why they stay together actually). She has very severe trust issues and has still not been able to be in a long term relationship with a man (she's 31 now). She has massive image issues..after she found out about the affair she put on about 30lbs, and then struggled with anorexia for a long time. She's at a fairly healthy weight now but she still obsesses and runs 5-10 miles a day, and she calls herself chubby even though she wears a size 0 or 2. She also hates her father. I mean REALLY hates. The only communication she has with him is to criticize him..calling him lazy, fat, ugly, stupid..etc. The rest of the family has tried to have interventions with her because she's become downright cruel to him but it hasn't worked yet, and she won't see a therapist. She was pretty high strung before all of this happened, so I think her reaction is a bit extreme..but very sad.
ThatJustHappened Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 This is not me directly, but my uncle cheated on my aunt. My cousin (who is around the same age as me and my best friend) was the one who discovered it, as my uncle accidentally left his Facebook page open on their family computer..she was 16 or 17 at the time (she is the youngest of 3, and her older brother and sister were both away at college when this happened). My uncle moved out for about a year but then moved back home (they are still together but their relationship is extremely strained..I'm not sure why they stay together actually). She has very severe trust issues and has still not been able to be in a long term relationship with a man (she's 31 now). She has massive image issues..after she found out about the affair she put on about 30lbs, and then struggled with anorexia for a long time. She's at a fairly healthy weight now but she still obsesses and runs 5-10 miles a day, and she calls herself chubby even though she wears a size 0 or 2. She also hates her father. I mean REALLY hates. The only communication she has with him is to criticize him..calling him lazy, fat, ugly, stupid..etc. The rest of the family has tried to have interventions with her because she's become downright cruel to him but it hasn't worked yet, and she won't see a therapist. She was pretty high strung before all of this happened, so I think her reaction is a bit extreme..but very sad. Wait sorry, I just did the math in my head..she must have been about 22 or 23, not 16 or 17, when this happened. She moved back home for a while after college.
NotInProvence Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Short answer: I learned early on to hate my father. Long answer: Mom drilled it into my head that men weren't trustworthy and marriage was a fate best avoided. Subconsciously, I think I have always chosen men who were untrustworthy--self-fulfilling prophecy and all that garbage. My parents were both multiple divorcees--and, I suspect, both serial cheaters although it was only confirmed with my dad. Mom had several "friendships" that, looking back now, were rather odd. I promised myself I would avoid that and "get it right the first time". Sadly, this means I have never married thanks to my poor choices in men. My parents were also both malignant narcissists and abusers, so I am always drawn to self-involved men..... Actually thank you for starting this thread. I have just realized I REALLY need therapy. 2
lukas Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 When I was 15 or so my father told me he hadn't had sex with my mother in 13 years and then told me about how he suspected she had had an affair when I was a small child (probably before I was born as well) and was considering leaving her. Selfishly, I convinced him to stay. It's really sad he had no one else to talk to as this was a burden I never wanted to have to live with and simply can't tell my mother about it now that he is dead.
Author Silly_Girl Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 My boyfriend is vehemently anti-cheating after his dad was flaky and a total player. His mum spent ten years alone after her husband left and he respects her a great deal for how she dealt with everything, and encouraged them to see their dad and played down how offensive his behaviour actually was. There are some good childhood memories there that would not have occurred if the mum had been honest at the time. My boyfriend would have shut his dad out immediately, no question, had he known. And his dad passed at 52 so although they were not close then, because my boyfriend better understood the man his dad was, he's glad his childhood was free of blame, or having to (or feeling he ought to) choose sides. My dad cheated, left for someone else. I was adopted by step-dad. I had an entire childhood without a dad and ironically he would have made a better father than my now-dad, the loyal provider. I feel I missed out. He died at 52 also. A very funny, loving man in his 3rd LTR. Each time he left he left for the next woman. His actions left me scared of rejection because I harboured resentment of being rejected as a 3yr old. However that was him leaving, not the fact he cheated. I wish he hadn't cheated because my family might not have been so anti-him and I wouldn't have felt forced to deny his existence for 25+ years. However, I blame them for that and not him.
Nyla Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Were you aware when he was cheating, or did it come out after? How did your mother react? Are you anti-men in general or just anti-cheating-men? I was aware that something was amiss when my father kept hiding in the basement making phone calls, although my thoughts never went to cheating as I was an innocent 12 year old. My mother reacted with anger, bitterness and depression. I would like to think that I am not completely anti men, but I certainly don't trust them very much at all.
cocorico Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Interested in all childhood experiences of cheating and how it affects/ed you/your life then/your life now. It affected my childhood in that it offered a brief window of happiness, when my father was engaged and interested, and emotionally accessible to us. It allowed me to consider the possibility that Rs were just possibly not all toxic and deeply damaging. How it affects me now? I saw that men who are unhappy and stay "for the kids" and later leave to be with someone they actually love, who actually loves and respects them, can make a lasting go of it and be blissfully happy together for the long run. It gave me faith that "second time around" can bring true happiness. It taught me hope.
alexandria35 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Never met my biological father until I was in my thirties. I was adopted by my stepfather and he cheated on my mother several times in their first few years of marriage. He was basically an abusive ass. He also physically and mentally abused her. This is why I get annoyed when certain OW/OM insist that the betrayed spouse must have been cold, selfish, abusive, and/or unloving and not meeting the cheating spouses needs and that's why the poor poor MM/MW looked elsewhere. Nothing could have been further from the truth for my mom and stepfather. He was the selfish prick in their relationship. My mother stayed loyal and devoted and did all she could to see to his happiness. She put him above everyone else, including me. As she got older she became bitter and resentful because she realized her love and devotion never paid off and after I left home she left him. I resented her for being his doormat for so many years and for not leaving him when I was younger. I vowed to never be like my mother and then I spent many years being exactly like her...lol. Not so much with the being cheated on but I would attract controlling manipulative men and then I would work really really hard on being the perfect gf for them so I could keep them and they would love me....barf!! I did know about the cheating because my mother never kept healthy boundaries with me. She started treating me like her very best girlfriend before I even started school. I also knew about all the other abuse, mostly because I saw it or heard it. My parents spent their first 5 years of marriage being IV drug addicts and then became born again Christian fanatics who were still crazy and maybe even worse in some ways. Hard to say which part of that upbringing messed me up the most. 1
Spark1111 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 My parents were polar opposites who met during WWII. There were happy years and they were always wonderful parents. All my mother wanted was a "regular guy" happy to come home to the white, picket fence and a hot cooked meal. She should have never sought rescuing from a struggling artist. Domesticity, suburbia, just about killed him. He began drinking too much. When she realized her dream of a house in the suburbs and a regular job for him, he grew depressed and stopped coming home often as he was desperate to return to the bright lights, big city of intellectual stimulation. She began battling depression and had a nervous break down. He had an affair with another flamboyant artiste. I don't blame him or her. They deeply loved each other but HAD NOTHING in common. They split apart. With that being said, they remained wonderful united parents. It was the ONE TRUE strength of the relationship. With one exception: He was the only man she would ever love, and her bitterness toward him when he did not, could not, live happily ever after in suburbia, was damaging when expressed to my brothers and I. We told her to STOP. My dad? never said a bad word about my mom; insisted we respect her and treat her with kindness. He deeply, deeply cared for her well-being, and despite their issues, remained a devoted and caring father to us. Me? i was the baby of the family. Everyone loved the hell out of me and went to great lengths to ensure I was supported and cared for. I'm okay. I married the only man who made me feel safe; who pursued and begged me to commit to him. He went on to have an affair which broke my heart. But you know what? I do not feel I chose poorly. I know his affair had more to do with his FOO, than me. My parents? Wacked out, but very intelligent and well read and HONEST to all about it. We were loved for who we were and loved them for who they were, warts and all. His parents? Deeply insecure to the point that they needed to believe, and have everyone else believe, that they and their children were perfect. Never a negative emotion allowed to be expressed or validated. Lots of delusion and secret keeping. TONS of control and authoritarianism. My way or the highway. Very, very dangerously damaging. There are NO perfect marriages, relationships or families. There is only honest communication of it all.
Ajvd1 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I didn't find about my mothers cheating until I was 23 years old. She had actually been cheating on my father with another women. My parents quickly go t divorced sold out house. I should mention I am the only child. My dad basically used me as his crutch to get through the divorce and we basically switched parent child roles for about 4 years. I quit talking to my mom for a good 6 months. I can't stand her new mate whom she is still with. I have found out that she had cheated all through their marriage with men and women. I feel like my whole life was a lie. A lie that I always thought was a perfect family. It's really messed me up. I have no trust in any relationships I have. And strangely enough have found myself cheating on my partner...
carhill Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Interestingly, it would be the cheating which I never knew about as a child which would have the most lasting impact as an adult, and in an unusual way. I would never know of the woman who had cheated on and left my father for another man until reading their letters decades later. I knew I had half-sisters, whom I only saw once as a youngster, and that my father had divorced but that was all. He never shared the rest and I grew up in a two-parent, loving household with nothing besides positive images of women in my mind and heart, something which would come back and bite me as an adult. Balance would've been healthier. In hindsight, I wish he had been more direct with me about women; the good and the bad. Perhaps, as that whole period, WW2 and his wife leaving him and taking his kids, was too painful to share, he just pushed it out of his mind and went on, IDK. I do know he never talked about the war at all, even when I would ask him questions. That's my story. A bit odd but perhaps instructive as to my naive nature with women for many years.
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