Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 This will probably explain it: Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief After a Break Up Regardless of how much of an a*hole he was, a loss is a loss all the same. The mind can be very tricky to control and goes many different directions. It's all about knowing what those feelings are and knowing how to control them. Eventually it'll fade to a distant memory. Thanks. Checked out the link -- can say that I did go through all of these phases, but for me, they were mini-phases -- cycled through ALL of them in the span of a few days, and went back to square 1 and started the cycle all over again.. But I finally thought I had broken that cycle and was healing. I'm now more confident about my decision to stay away from him (we didn't end it officially -- I just went NC without even telling him). He didn't contact me for a few days, but did contact me yesterday, telling me that he was going to book his flight to my city today, that he was looking forward to seeing me and having sex with me.... yeah, good luck trying to see me... The funny thing is that the more he contacts me and keeps talking about sex for the most part, the easier he is making it on me to get over him. Still, that nightmare was a real bummer, because I thought I was healing and it just hit me like a truck.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 To be fair, he said he still wanted to have sex with me... as a friend... he implied that this is what he thought our relationship had been about all along: a FWB arrangement. I was played. But yeah, that line is such a cliche and a cop-out by players/douchebags. From your description of this "relationship," that's exactly what it sounds like it was. I don't understand why you thought it was anything different. I know that you were hurt a lot, but you really need to let go of the whole thing and move on to much more positive experiences with men. I mean … you only actually spent a few weeks with this guy, right?
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 From your description of this "relationship," that's exactly what it sounds like it was. I don't understand why you thought it was anything different. I know that you were hurt a lot, but you really need to let go of the whole thing and move on to much more positive experiences with men. I mean … you only actually spent a few weeks with this guy, right? No -- nearly 3 months, but not a continuous 3 months. We were together -- as in, literally saw each other every day after work and spent the rest of the day together -- for a total of 3 months. I know a FWB when I see one. Sure, there were some red flags indicating that that's what it was, but it sure as hell didn't seem like it when I was in it. It was more than just about sex, especially the first 2 months we were together.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) So, an update -- he still keeps mssging me, but I haven't been replying. Today, on Viber (an android app we used to use to chat/text) he sent me our picture together, and a picture of me, saying, "cute" (for our picture together), "I like this picture" (for my picture), and "I miss you".. He then asked me where I was, if I was still awake, and then said: "Are you alone in bed? I hope so. Unless it's a girl you're with." Yeah, because I'm gonna put my life on hold for a douchebag who was using me for sex and his fantasies....... Note that I cannot block him on Viber - it is based on phone numbers. I'd have to uninstall the app to block him, but I use the app to communicate with lots of other people. So it's the same as being unable to block him on my phone. I don't feel tempted at all to answer his texts, really. At this point, I'm just chuckling at his messages. Edited October 14, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
dreamstate83 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 So, an update -- he still keeps mssging me, but I haven't been replying. Today, on Viber (an android app we used to use to chat/text) he sent me our picture together, and a picture of me, saying, "cute" (for our picture together), "I like this picture" (for my picture), and "I miss you".. He then asked me where I was, if I was still awake, and then said: "Are you alone in bed? I hope so. Unless it's a girl you're with." Yeah, because I'm gonna put my life on hold for a douchebag who was using me for sex and his fantasies....... Note that I cannot block him on Viber - it is based on phone numbers. I'd have to uninstall the app to block him, but I use the app to communicate with lots of other people. So it's the same as being unable to block him on my phone. I don't feel tempted at all to answer his texts, really. At this point, I'm just chuckling at his messages. That's the great part about treating people right. Most of them come back and feed into validating you and boosting your ego. Feels good to be missed, even if you are moving on without them 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 That's the great part about treating people right. Most of them come back and feed into validating you and boosting your ego. Feels good to be missed, even if you are moving on without them Hey dreamstate83 - yeah, it's true, it does give a sort of an ego boost. Not that I really need it at this point -- I am almost completely over him. I am surprised even at myself. I guess I am stronger than I thought I was. And know what? I did it almost completely on my own (and thanks to this forum). Didn't even get help or support from my friends in the process, especially in the past month. It feels good to be able to pick up the pieces and move on, and to do it on your own, at your own pace. I think I have regained a lot of confidence, and can contemplate being on my own while in the past few months, I couldn't bear the thought of being on my own again. That's what made his emotional blackmail work on me for so long. I kinda feel sorry for him, because he's making a fool of himself... But oh well... better my peace of mind than his. Funny how his very own arguments backfired on him: he said that he was too selfish to love me the way I wanted him to. Yeah, I am too selfish to "love" him the way he wanted me to, too.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) So an update: I went to a new bar today -- a different scene compared to the other bar I usually go to. More mature crowd: 30+ olds, businessmen, etc. It was a cool place, and the set-up was ideal for some nice eye-contact (bar is in the shape of a square, so you can see people sitting across from you, instead of just staring at the bartender and a wall). I ordered a drink, and had my android tablet with me, so I wouldn't get bored in case people werent' very sociable. There were a bunch of men sitting across from me, and a few men who came and sat next to me. They seemed to be work colleagues. It was nice to be in a more "professional" environment, for a change. The other bar I used to go to, had a more young-ish crowd, more "hippies", etc. I'll definitely be going to this bar more often -- though the drinks seem to be a bit more expensive here.. Anyhow, about 15 minutes after I came in and ordered my drink, I get a text mssg from my ex's co-worker (also from the UK, they work in the same office, and he travels around a lot as well), saying, he could see me from the other bar (there are 3-4 bars like that on the same level/floor), and asked me if I fancied a drink and would like to join him. I wasn't sure what to do , so I texted him and asked if there was a spot next to him. He said yes, so I got my drink and went over. Oh man, it was awkward.. I was very nervous. He was friendly and cool, and we talked about my ex a bit. He didn't know we had broken up, and I didn't tell him anything mainly because I was worried I'd start badmouthing my ex in front of his co-worker and I didn't want to do that. BUT, I used the opportunity to ask him about my ex and the prospects for him moving to another country (my country). I was curious to see if the prospects had been real, or if I was wasting my time ANYWAY. He said it's pretty much impossible unless you get lucky and everything gets lined up perfectly. He said that the more that my ex gets training in his (newish) job, the more they will send him around the world, and not just to my city. So, really, in terms of prospects for a long-term relationship, it was clear that it wasn't going to work out anyway, even if there had been no other problems. I guess it kinda gave me some closure. I don't know. It still made me feel bad, because I think, deep down, I was still hoping against hope that , some day, he might come around, but even if he does, I know that things aren't going t work out anyway, if only because of this whole LDR/job/travel thing. Anyhow, I guess one good thing came out of my night out -- I found a new place to do some flirting. I'm not going for ONS, and I know that bars might not be the ideal place to find a guy who wants a relationship, but really, that depends a lot on who you happen to meet. A lot of people go to pubs with their co-workers, friends, etc., it doesn't mean they're out looking for a woman to shag. I am looking forward to tomorrow night and Friday night -- should be interesting. I still feel bummed out about the whole situation with my ex, though. But trying to move on. I have to. Edited October 18, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
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