NoMoreJerks Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) So I'm back. Didn't heed your warnings about breaking NC, after my ex called me. I picked up and talked, and gave him another chance. Can't say I didn't deserve the **** he pulled on me today. I shouldn't have broken NC. I should've known that it was over. He was only looking for sex. He made that clear today. We had a good long discussion (during which he brought up threesomes again). I told him I did not intend on doing a threesome. He said OK, but that he's going to do it in Thailand in December, and that he hopes it won't upset me, and that he won't talk about it if it offends me (as if it's the talking about it that is the offensive bit).... What a jerkface. I told him I was furious that he was even conidering banging one woman let alone two, while in a relationship with me. I said I was ASSUMING that we were in a committed relationship, and that he could correct me if my assumption was wrong. I said I -- or any reasonable and not ****ed up person -- would not consider banging another person (or multiple) while in a committed relationship. We had a long talk about the relationship. He told me he doesn't love me, can't see a committed relationship coming out of it (he doesn't want one). He claimed he loves me as a really good friend. He asked, what's wrong with friends with benefits ?? I said nothing was wrong with it, if that is what one was looking for, but I did not intend to waste my time on a FWB arrangement. Basically, I'm so hurt right now -- he told me he does not feel we are lovers. He's not really attracted to me, I suppose. He was just using me as a hole to penetrate, and a free whore to get blowjobs from. Can't say I didn't deserve the ****ty attitude he gave me today. All of this was, as usual, over text, because he refuses to man up and talk about this on the phone (LDR). Anyway, we talked, and we didn't really arrive to any decision. He wants to see me when he comes to my city. An hour later, I was at school, and he texted me some stuff that I wasn't online to see, so he got worried I was angry/upset, and called me. I said I was at school. After which he said, oh, ok, chat later. I said I was up for a chat later on when I got home. He said ok and hung up. When I got home, I texted him back and said that I was at home and that I was in meetings. He said he was going to have a relaxing evening and watch some TV series, and said "speak tomorrow. X" I just managed an "OK." He knows what that means. I've done that "OK" thing before, and he knows I'm upset. I intend to go NC. This time, not with the intention of getting him back. Do I have to let him know? Or can I just disappear off the face of the earth without telling him anything? I don't want to talk about any of this with him. I don't want to talk with him anymore. I don't think he deserves an explanation for my disappearance, though, after the ****ty way he treated me even after I gave him a 2nd chance. I was a fool. I'm so stupid. Edited October 4, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
Calico Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Ach, I'm sorry this happened. *hugs tight* You know how I felt about this, but I would have dearly liked to be wrong. I don't think it matters if you announce the NC to him, just go with what feels best to you. If you don't want to speak to him ever again, or about this, then don't. You have every right. 1
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Do I have to let him know? Or can I just disappear off the face of the earth without telling him anything? I don't want to talk about any of this with him. I don't want to talk with him anymore. I don't think he deserves an explanation for my disappearance, though, after the ****ty way he treated me even after I gave him a 2nd chance. I was a fool. I'm so stupid. :sick::sick: This guy makes me want to vomit. You don't have to let him know anything. If he treated you like a hole, he is not entitled to know anything. Please, be rid of this POS. I'm sick just reading what you wrote. He doesn't deserve a second of your time or even an alphabet. He doesn't deserve an explanation or any consideration after the way he has treated you. He uses you then tells you he doesn't love you? Girl, I am going to find you and shake you if you go back to this clown. 4
Chi townD Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Just fall off the grid. Complete NC and go dark on his ass. For as much BS this guy talks, he can go find someone else to play mind games with. 3
Appleness Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 It's okay, we all have moments of weakness... Please please please let this be the last time you communicate with him. He does not sound like a sane person and you deserve better than someone who thinks of you only as a body part. Just because he's a hole doesn't mean he has any right to treat another person as one. Stay in school and keep your eyes on your goals. Don't let this jerkface within the same zip code as you. 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) :sick::sick: This guy makes me want to vomit. You don't have to let him know anything. If he treated you like a hole, he is not entitled to know anything. Please, be rid of this POS. I'm sick just reading what you wrote. He doesn't deserve a second of your time or even an alphabet. He doesn't deserve an explanation or any consideration after the way he has treated you. He uses you then tells you he doesn't love you? Girl, I am going to find you and shake you if you go back to this clown. Thanks. I know it sounds really stupid of me to have given him a second chance. I did it after having seen all the red flags. I did it because I loved him, and was hoping that the distance (a week of no talking, and a month of not seeing each other) would have made him realize what he was missing out on. But apparently, he only realized that he was missing out on the sex and the opportunity to try and realize his threesome fantasy. The thing is, he was so charming the other day, on the phone (this was a week after I gave him the 2nd chance). It fooled me into thinking that he had changed. I guess he was calling me while under the influence of alcohol, now that I think about it. My self-esteem has dipped below zero, at this point. I would've preferred not to know that he wasn't into me this whole time, and if I had instead just gone with the assumption that he was a plain old bastard who was using me. I mean, how the **** could I not have realized that he wasn't even ATTRACTED to me? Now that I think about it, it all seems so clear: he never really made love to me (just f.ucking), rarely kissed me before/during/after sex, very little foreplay, and not even any oral sex for me. Edited October 5, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) Ach, I'm sorry this happened. *hugs tight* You know how I felt about this, but I would have dearly liked to be wrong. I don't think it matters if you announce the NC to him, just go with what feels best to you. If you don't want to speak to him ever again, or about this, then don't. You have every right. Hey Calico. Thanks for the support. I feel so ashamed and stupid. Deep down, I knew you were right. I knew that all the experiences of the people here couldn't be wrong. But I wanted to give it another try, because I loved him so much and wanted to make this work. Back to a diet of Kit Kats it is. I guess the only good thing that came out of this is that I wasn't shaking and crying the whole time I was texting him about this (unlike last time). I wasn't begging him, and made it obvious that I didn't mind breaking up (unlike last time). That's probably why he didn't threaten to dump me again. He knows that **** won't fly again. That's the only thing that makes me feel "good". That maybe I am beginning to detach myself from him. Or maybe it's temporary numbness and the pain will hit me in the face in a few days. Edited October 5, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
geegirl Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Love makes you do crazy things. It blinds you. Don't be so hard on yourself. We tend to want to believe that we're worthy enough for them to want to change. It's better to find a healthy partner that adds to our lives rather than settle for one that needs to rehabilitate. But often times we settle for many reasons but mostly out of fear. Be proud of yourself for taking a stand. Some would settle for anything, and some, nothing. You're not stupid. You reacted on emotions and we all do that. I'm actually glad that he told you he never loved you. It hurts but it's a blessing in that it will propel you faster into healing. It eliminates all hope, and we know how hope can be very detrimental in helping you move forward. It's going to hurt but it's only temporary. Engaging with him keeps you in perpetual hell. These guys will tell you want you want to hear but watch their actions, just as you now see the signs. The next time you see red flags, know that they're not flying just for a day. Yes, your self-esteem is shot. But you'll find it. You've just made a huge step towards redeeming your self-respect and loving yourself enough to say no more will you let this man use you. Vent here or post when you feel weak. Just don't let him in again. 1
CC12 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Do I have to let him know? Or can I just disappear off the face of the earth without telling him anything? Just disappear. Block any avenue of contact he has with you - phone, email, Facebook, whatever. You don't owe him any explanation. This is not a relationship and he doesn't seem to care much about you. So just be done with him and move on. Any more contact with him will end up hurting you again. Don't do it to yourself. 2
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 You know, NoMoreJerks, you give such good advice to others. BUT: How am I going to take anything else you say seriously - if you let people like this man use and abuse you in this way, and you KEEP ON going back for more of the same crap?? C'mon, lady!! Nuff's enough!! This is in such conflict with all the great mots justes you help others with - take your own advice: No - MORE - JERKS!!! 2
Minka333 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Pls do not lose your self-esteem to one guy who is a POS! And men who are POS don't appreciate or see the value of any woman no matter how great she is because his mind is full of sh*t! He is only 1 man out of the billions in this world. Many other rational and loving men will look at you in a different way. They will see you for what you're worth..a person worthy of being respected. Your ex must have had so many issues in his life. It is not your fault why he acts or thinks like that. He is deflecting on you what he actually feels inside. Keep your chin up and everytime you have the urge to contact him, imagine your ex inside a toilet bowl them quickly flush it. Be strong! 1
Calico Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 NMJ, how are you holding up? Eating Kit Kats at least? I'd drop you a PM, but it's not possible yet. So, just checking on you here.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Hey Calico, Thanks so much. I don't know why I don't have the PM feature yet. Ah well. At any rate, I have been struggling with this, but it seems like I've gone a bit numb. It's difficult to accept what he told me, but the pain is not as bad as I thought it would be. Most of the time I just feel numb. I cried a bit 2 nights ago, but it was for a brief period, and what caused it was this: . Made me wish my life were so simple as those penguins'. Or maybe the grass is greener on the other side. Not sure if I'm even sounding sane at this point. I feel terribly disappointed and bitter towards men in general. I know not all men are like this douchebag, but I can't help but look at men that way now. Every time I see a guy on the street, and he checks me out, I feel disgusted. I will never let any man treat me like a sex object again, that's for sure, even if that means being single for the rest of my life because I'm unwilling to take the risk. I feel like I was treated like a whore -- even worse; at least whores can demand money. I was lower and cheaper than a whore. I have little respect for myself at this point, for letting this man treat me like this for this long, and still being in love with him and hoping against hope that he would change. My friends went out 2 nights ago, for drinks. They tried to get me to go out with them, but I couldn't, despite their insistence. I had to stay in and have some me-time. Mostly didn't think about any of this. Just watched youtube vids, surfed LS, etc. I have close to zero appetite, and have been eating mostly Kit Kats and other junk food, but I did have something more substantial yesterday evening. That was my first proper meal since we had that discussion. Didn't eat a whole lot, but it was better than nothing, I guess. And more junk food. There was some breakthrough last night -- I felt like going out around 8:30pm. Fridays are usually good days to go to the local pub; quite crowded, nice live band, etc. I wanted to have a beer by myself, and chill out for a few hours. Dressed up, and put make-up on (usually when I am this depressed I don't even feel like combing my hair or putting on anything fancier than a pair of jeans and a simple top), because I wanted to feel good about myself. It helped. I felt like I was good-looking, and any time anyone checked me out on the way to the pub, I would give them the "you will never have me, ****face" attitude. At least in my head. Sat at the bar by myself, had a beer, playing with my tablet, surfing the web (free wifi at bar ). It felt nice. Wasn't expecting to be picked up. Was just there for a beer, and to get myself out of the house for a change, because weekdays are so boring and not a lot of people go out anyway, so I tend to stay in anyway. I might as well go out when it's worth going out (weekends). This was at the same bar where I met my ex. But I didn't even think about that. In fact, I was sitting at the same exact spot that I was sitting at when I met my ex. I realize that only now. Anyhow, halfway through my time there, some guy approaches me from the other end of the pub (he and his friend were sitting at a table, not at the bar). The conversation goes as follows: Guy: Hey, what's your name? Me: I'm (my name). Guy: Hi, I'm Jacob. Me: *nods* Guy: Would you like to join me and my friend at our table? Me: No thanks, I am planning on going home soon. (I wasn't - I just didn't want to join them at their table). Guy: Oh, ok. Well it was nice meeting you. He left and went back to his table. At this point, I felt great. What an ego boost. Not just the fact that I was approached, but the fact that I turned him down. I wasn't about to let a guy treat me like a sex object. Even if his intentions were good and he wanted to get to know me and wasn't hoping for a ONS, I wasn't about to take that risk. Besides, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I can't do rebounds. It would make me feel worse, not better, and it's not fair on the guy. Anyhow, feeling good, I ordered another drink. 45 minutes pass, and I'm still sitting there and playing with my tablet, looking around occasionally, checking guys out, and making some eye contact/flirting, but nothing more. No one approached me, though. I didn't mind. It felt good to be in control, for once, and do some flirting. It felt like *I* was treating them as sex objects now, more than the other way around. Then, all of a sudden, that same guy pops up again....... Here's how the conversation went: Guy: Hey, I just have one question... Me: OK... Guy: What's a beautiful girl like you doing at a pub by herself on a Friday night? Me: *thinking hard for a few seconds, then looking at my beer and realizing that the answer is very simple* Having a beer.... Guy: Would you like another one? Me: No thanks. (God, saying that felt good -- it was almost like saying: No thanks, you can't buy me with drinks). Guy: Would you like to stay in touch? Me: No... Guy: Why is that? Are you seeing someone? At this point, I had to lie, to get him off my back. I said that I was, indeed, seeing someone. He managed a friendly "Oh ok, well have a good night" and left. They left the bar about half an hour after that. The whole thing gave me a serious ego boost. It felt nice to be desired, but not to allow anyone to disrespect me and treat me like a sex object. I felt like I reclaimed part of the power I had lost to my ex. It also reassured me that I was still desirable, not too old to be on the "market," etc. Not sure if any of this makes sense. I still feel lonely and bad, and think about my ex and all the things I did wrong while in that relationship. All the "what ifs", etc. What if the way I had behaved had made him lose respect, and that made him treat me the way he did? That's what I keep wondering about. Because if that's the case, I need to learn from my mistakes so that I wouldn't repeat them in the future. Otherwise I'm doomed to repeat the same patterns. I think I did **** up a few times in that relationship. I was too loving, too unconditionally giving, too attached/dependent, etc. I need to work on that stuff. I need to improve my self-esteem, gain some self-respect, and establish boundaries in my head, and make them known, from the start, to the next guy I'm dating. I guess this was a learning experience. Still, I wish learning experiences didn't have to be so painful. Would be lovely to mssg you when that feature gets activated on my account. Edited October 6, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 What a shame... I'd have gone along with it. You can control situations you know. You don't HAVE to fall into bed with every guy who is nice to you, there's no obligation... Maybe that wasn't his intention, and the fact that he came up and spoke to you twice - opportunity to get yourself 'out of yourself' missed. How was his attention disrespectful? Why do you assume he was treating you like a sex object? Why not take the plunge? If it was such an ego boost - why not take advantage of it and make it an evening of fun? Just don't go anywhere with them. I'm sorry, but I see that as biting off your own nose to spite your face.... You could have had a really nice time. Part of it was probably guilt, because you felt somehow you'd be betraying him.
Calico Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) I don't know why I don't have the PM feature yet. I believe you have to be a member for at least 30 days, so about six days to go. I bypassed that by subscribing to the site, apparently (mostly wanted to get rid of the ads on my iPad where I can't properly block them otherwise). I feel terribly disappointed and bitter towards men in general. I know not all men are like this douchebag, but I can't help but look at men that way now. I don't have a terribly high opinion of men (thanks to my father, I guess), in spite of being a guy myself, so you won't generally get much disagreement from me, but looking at my own former relationship, her cheating, stringing me along, and then keeping me in limbo while she allegedly tried to figure out what to do, I feel that it's probably not a matter of gender. I think (many) men are just a little more insensitive and "direct", whereas women tend to be more subtle and care differently, but I'm not entirely sure which approach is better when you're on the receiving end (both probably equally suck) or whether the result is really meaningfully different. The "advantage", if you want to call it that, of the unacceptable treatment you received is that you know exactly where you stand. Me? The closest to clarity I could get was, "I can't do that right now.", which even after walking away made it harder to deal with hope and the whole "wtf happened here?" thing. That's the "feminine" approach. I don't know if it's better than the "walking over" method that men seem to often use. Men, I think, are "done" faster when they don't want someone anymore. Women are more likely to want to be friends (not FWB) with the guys they dumped. But it's all just generalizations. People are who they are, regardless of their gender. General trends and patterns certainly exist, but not all men are testosterone-driven b.astards and not all women are manipulative b.itches. But as I said, I'm not the right guy to defend men. There is a reason why all my close friends are women. Actually, it's pretty neat! ... but did in the past get me friend-zoned more easily, because so many women DO go for the unattainable "bad boys", the ones who offer a constant and lasting "hunting" challenge -- not the guys who sit with them all night and never go to bed before they know their women are all right. The latter eventually gets you the "I really love you and you're an awesome friend, but ..." line. I could tell two stories of where I was not wanted because I was too respectful or hesitant in regard to sex, where I thought I was being considerate, just to have it thrown in my face as "not being interested enough", though granted the first time this happened was when I was sixteen and I had no clue what to do! She dumped me for a 20 year old, who evidently did know what to do! I have little respect for myself at this point, for letting this man treat me like this for this long, and still being in love with him and hoping against hope that he would change. Shift your thoughts. For one thing, you shouldn't blame yourself for loving too much and being patient as if these were negative attributes. Did they cause you more pain in the end? Yes. Do they nonetheless make you a caring and deeper person than many of the emotional zombies out there? You bet. In the larger picture, isn't it better to go through the pain and be truly alive instead of being an almost mechanical creature who may not experience the hurt, but is unlikely to "really feel"? Don't be less than who you are because of a relationship that didn't work out. I think you're fine just the way you are. (And remember that brilliance is only brilliance against a dark background. They are co-dependent, just like deep love and burning pain.) I have close to zero appetite, and have been eating mostly Kit Kats and other junk food, but I did have something more substantial yesterday evening. That was my first proper meal since we had that discussion. Didn't eat a whole lot, but it was better than nothing, I guess. And more junk food. Junk food is fine. I couldn't even eat that for a week. Just strawberry milk shakes (which, funnily, I can't have anymore now because they trigger memories), cola and water. I had way overdone it on the cola and the caffeine and sugar highs/lows certainly didn't help. In the second or third week I started to eat more, but still couldn't do actually proper meals. That eventually normalized itself too. Just make sure you drink enough water and consider taking magnesium. I feel that the latter really helped me to regain a little stability. The whole thing gave me a serious ego boost. It felt nice to be desired, but not to allow anyone to disrespect me and treat me like a sex object. I felt like I reclaimed part of the power I had lost to my ex. It also reassured me that I was still desirable, not too old to be on the "market," etc. I have mixed feelings about this. It's probably good, and I get plenty of feminine attention from my friends, which does feel good, but be careful. Don't sell your dreams. Not now, not ever. If you dress yourself up and aim for looking sexy, and that is what gets you attention, that attention may mean that men do look at you as a sex object. You want those who sit with you and are there for you even when you have blurry eyes, a puffy face and are in your PJs. Granted, you can't go out like that. The "still desirable" thing ... that is double-edged, too, because it puts so much focus on appearance rather than "who you are". You're still almost a kitten, and certainly not old even by society's ridiculous standards. But "age happens" and you don't want to train yourself to depend on whether the opposite sex wants to reproduce you with. Because in ten, twenty years, you don't want to spend your life fretting over whether you can still attract men. (Of course you will be able to.) Luckily, you have depth, intelligence and eloquence, and you are caring, so, you are attractive as it is. At least in the eyes of the men who look into a woman's face first. Would be lovely to mssg you when that feature gets activated on my account. In a week or so, unless you can think of a way to exchange an email address or a skype name without publicly posting it. Have a kit kat on me today, and maybe a banana too! Bananas are happy food. And, please, skip the alcohol, even if it's only a few beers. Alcohol is a depressant, and you don't need artificial assistance in feeling sad and low. Edited October 6, 2012 by Calico 1
suladas Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Funny you mention bars. Since my BU i've been hitting the bars, well more like clubs again pretty much every week, i've been more in the past month then I had in probably the last 3 years. I have no interest in approaching any women, and the time one did approach me I had no interest. It did feel so good to have someone come up to me, the first time ever in a club actually. A few drinks makes me feel pretty good actually. I've been limiting myself to about 5 though. A week after the BU I had about 15 and felt like complete crap the next day, don't want to overdue it. I don't know what it is though, I always hated bars/clubs. I still don't find them amazing but I guess it's because i'd rather be out with friends then sitting at home. It might be for the best not meeting anyone. Anytime I have it feels good at first then it's like a knife in the chest. I went on one date, that set me back because it wasn't great. Last night I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in 3 years, we actually had a thing before. Anyways I hung out with her friend, we hit it off she actually just got out of a bad relationship in june, I was having an amazing time. Until I found out she smoked, and how she acted at the club when she was drinking, went from interested to crazy pretty quickly. Now I feel down again today. Because anytime I meet a women who seems good and it makes me realize there's plenty of good women out there and to forget my ex. Then something comes up that makes me not interested in them and makes me miss my ex again. So meeting someone new is definitely a risk, at least i've found. Edited October 6, 2012 by suladas
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 (edited) What a shame... I'd have gone along with it. You can control situations you know. You don't HAVE to fall into bed with every guy who is nice to you, there's no obligation... Maybe that wasn't his intention, and the fact that he came up and spoke to you twice - opportunity to get yourself 'out of yourself' missed. How was his attention disrespectful? Why do you assume he was treating you like a sex object? Why not take the plunge? If it was such an ego boost - why not take advantage of it and make it an evening of fun? Just don't go anywhere with them. I'm sorry, but I see that as biting off your own nose to spite your face.... You could have had a really nice time. Part of it was probably guilt, because you felt somehow you'd be betraying him. I don't know -- I'm just not ready for it emotionally. It also came to me as a bit of a surprise. I have never been approached like that at a pub, or anywhere else for that matter. When I met my ex, his friend started a casual conversation with me while sitting next to me. I know that I can control situations and not have to sleep with every guy who talks to me at the pub. I just don't feel like I'm OK emotionally, and worried that I might be tempted to do a ONS thinking that I can handle it, and then feel even worse because of it. I had this urge to do a ONS when we first broke up, because I wanted to feel wanted again, and to be in bed with someone, even if for one night, and just have some intimacy and cuddling after sex. I didn't want to give myself the chance to do that sort of thing. Because even if I can pretend that I'm dealing pretty well with this, I'm not. I'm not ok. I just burst into tears out of the blue a while ago. I think it's finally hit me -- what he said about not seeing me as a lover. It's just so "final", and that makes me feel so hopeless. I assumed that he was treating me as a sex object because I met my ex the same way, at the same pub, and look what happened. Most people who go to pubs and try to talk to women have one thing in mind: sex. And this is all the more so when they see a woman sitting at the bar on her own. What is she doing there on her own? People are judgmental. They think I'm waiting for someone to come talk to me, and go home with for some fun. It doesn't matter that I am not really there for that. That is what most people would assume. And so, some will not approach because they might think I'm a prostitute (I've had those looks). Others who are desperate for sex, will man up and do it. Maybe this guy had other intentions, but in my head, he was just like any other man at the pub. If I gave him the chance and he turned out to be like my ex -- fooling me into thinking we were in a relationship when he was using me for sex all that time -- I will just be too heart-broken and traumatized to go on. Can you imagine what that would do to me? Yes, that is a risk in all relationships, even ones that don't start at the local pub, but I guess that means I can't get into another relationship -- for now anyway, or ever. I don't think it was guilt at all -- didn't feel like I would be betraying my ex. Maybe unconsciously it was, but consciously? Not really. Didn't even think about him. Actually, I'm so angry and disappointed with my ex that I would be tempted to do a "rebound" relationship or a ONS. But I didn't for other reasons (mentioned above and in previous post). I also didn't want to be cheap. Yes, that also includes being too easy to talk to and to open up to people. I did that with my ex, and look where that got me. I need to protect myself and take care of myself. If that means turning off a lot of potential candidates for amazing bfs, then so be it, I guess. Edited October 7, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
suladas Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 It really sucks to hear you were used like that. But look at the bright side, at least you didn't get back together and find out then. Also at least you know and now you have closure to move on knowing he was a douchbag who doesn't deserve you. I go back and forth if my ex was ever into me, I have high suspicions she lied to me about a lot of things, I don't know if I was just a rebound or a way for her to get her confidence back. It really really hurts to think you were just used, but I am pretty sure i'd really want to know if that was the case instead of not knowing and just guessing. It's tough to say in a bar. I know some people who have ended up in LTR from someone they met in a bar. But it was usually friends of friends or something like that. Not sure if I know of anyone who just went up to someone and ended up in much more then a ONS. I'm back and forth on a ONS. Like you, it was my first time with my ex, I think it would be cool to have one sometime just to see what it's like but I don't know if it would be a good idea right now.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Hey Calico, You mention that your ex cheated on you, strung you along, and kept you in limbo. That is precisely what my ex did. Although he claimed not to have done anything in his previous 2 trips to Thailand (one before he met me, and the other 3 months into our 'relationship'), I seriously doubt that. I would consider the latter -- visit to prostitutes during our relationship -- cheating. He also strung me along for months. He kept saying nice things to me (coupled with routine abusive treatment), and knowing how I felt about him, he kept playing the tune I wanted to hear -- talked about relocating here, possibly buying a house here.. Initially he had been talking about his plans over the next 5 years -- saving money and buying a place in Thailand and permanently settling there. That stopped abruptly when he realized I went quiet after he mentioned it a couple of times... he replaced it with a lie. Kept telling me that for a good 2 months. Then, all of a sudden, his tune changed: he kept saying that he couldn't be in a full relationship given that he traveled around a lot and we were doing long-distance, etc. One other red flag? We only had 1 pic together. When I wanted to take more pics of us, a few days before he left (the last time I saw him), he did not want us to take any pics together. He said we already had "some" (only 1). This was peppered, though, with some mentions, here and there, about possibly moving here. Last week he told me he had put in a formal request at work for relocation to my city if they had a lot of work to be done here. It was a cluster**** of mixed signals almost all the way to the end. I was utterly confused, wondering if something was wrong with my head, or if he was actually playing games to keep me coming for more. I don't think he was direct at all, except when he threatened to break up with me and I called his bluff; and the last couple of conversations I had with him, in which he said he could no longer feel free to talk about threesomes with me, and that it's no longer "fun" -- that the "playing" has "dried up" (his words). And then, the icing on the cake -- "I love you more like a really good friend", "I don't feel like we are lovers," and "what's wrong with FWB"? I think FWB was what he wanted all along, but he couldn't keep up the charade any longer after I pressured him into talking about the status of our relationship. I had to do it to protect myself: and had to do it fast. 4 months is more than enough for someone to start having feelings for someone. I needed to know where he stood. And I'm the kind of person who doesn't take bull**** when it exceeds a certain threshold. It becomes obvious that it's bull****. Imagine if I had just completely ignored all this, given him all the "space" he wanted and asked for, only to find out, years later, that he was using me as a "friend with benefits." That would've been a million times more crushing. So I guess this is a blessing in disguise. In fact, when I asked him, a month ago, about his plans for the next 5 years, and where he thought our relationship was going, and what he wanted out of our relationship, he kept telling me, just like your ex, that he didn't know yet, that he was trying to figure it out, that he can't really figure it out, because he couldn't make plans for the long-term and had to take things one day at a time, etc. Still, for someone who took things one day at a time, he did have elaborate plans for settling in and opening a bar(prostitution) business in Thailand. It also left me wondering what the **** was happening and then how, all of a sudden, it all went downhill so quickly. I think the common denominator here is that we both got played. In my case, it may have been more "obvious" because of his addiction to sex, porn, and threesomes, but on other levels, it wasn't so obvious. Ironically, most of my friends are men. In my case, I know that one or two wanted to sleep with me, but I was not interested in anything other than a relationship. And I definitely did friendzone all my male friends -- ultimately, if not at first. When it comes to sex, I do like men who are confident and non-hesitant, but not ones who are pushy, like my ex, especially when it comes to pervy stuff like threesomes. My friend told me that her bf also keeps asking her for a threesome, but I dare say it's nowhere near the level of obsession that my ex has reached. Also, my friend's bf is still in a relationship with her. I dare say many men have asked their gf's for a threesome, but it wasn't THE reason for their relationship with them. In my case, I believe that my ex's intentions towards me shifted completely after I told him (STUPID as I was) that I have kissed a woman before. As soon as I told him that, his focus in his relationship with me was on realizing his fantasy. And when, at last, I told him NO, he wanted out of the so-called relationship that never was, but still wanted to keep using me for sex. He sure has some balls. That he has the audacity to ask for FWB after all the **** he pulled on me, is truly sickening. You say that I shouldn't blame myself for loving too much, and that it's preferable to not feeling anything. But really? That's such a cliche argument, but I really don't think I agree. I used to feel that way, but not anymore. Not after this traumatic experience. Never again. I am putting up a 1,000 protective shields around myself / my heart. I might not trust any man enough to truly love. I was a virgin for so long, because I didn't want to throw away my virginity in a ONS, but I ended up doing almost the equivalent of that, and getting emotionally attached to a douchebag in the process. I might have taken it particularly hard because it was my first time being in a relationship AND having sex (in fact, those were my ex's exact words when he asked for a FWB instead of a committed relationship). But the problem is that, by virtue of it being my first, I can never get rid of the memories -- good or bad -- or make much sense of them or "spin" them in a positive way. The point of dressing up and looking sexy is to make myself feel better, and not to get unwanted attention from men. And if I do get such unwanted attention, the point is to feel confident enough to tell them all to go **** themselves. I dressed up (my dressing up is not slutty, mind you -- it's just elegant/chic) because I wanted to tell myself that I could dress up FOR MYSELF, to feel good about myself and my body, regardless of what other men thought of me -- because, ultimately, my ex was telling me that he did not like me and was not attracted to me. The sex addict that he is, I don't think he was talking about not liking my personality. He was talking about my looks/body, and comparing that to those of prostitutes he hangs out with and befriends in Thailand (he actually goes out and drinks with them and talks to them -- he just leaves out the fact that he sleeps with them; of course, we all know that it makes a lot of sense that someone would spend $4,000 four times a year to go and sip beer and chit-chat with prostitutes in some god-forsaken third world country, yeah?). You know what that did to my self-esteem? Being told that I wasn't good enough? That I wasn't as attractive to him, or as worthy of his "liking", as some STD-infested whores? As for appearance vs "who you are" -- let us face it: most people would not approach someone if they do not like their appearance. The exception to this is if they met them through friends, befriended them, and then started developing feelings for them as they got to know them more. But in general, physical attraction is usually the first criterion.. I admit that it is, in my case... with strangers anyway. I have developed feelings in the past for men who weren't handsome even by my own standards, but that happened only because I knew them already. Even so, it didn't inspire me to make an effort in that direction, partly because they had friendzoned me, but partly because the "spark" wouldn't have been there. I guess I'm as shallow as my ex is. As for age, I am turning 30 in a few months' time, and it's very stressful, considering my goals and desires from a relationship. I am back to square 1, and it will take years to be ready to date again, years to find someone, let alone to have a long-term relationship with, that evolves into marriage and kids.. In the meantime, the biological clock ticks away. Men can afford all the time in the world. Women who want children of their own, cannot. Maybe I should just give up on the idea of having kids. Edited October 8, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
suladas Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Wow that was a long post, but I felt so much of it related to me in good and bad ways I just had to read it all. Why would you think it would take years to be ready to date again? Yes to get close to anyone, you open yourself up to get hurt but I think it's a good risk, I can see taking more caution though the next time around. Look at the bright side, how many women in their 20's are single moms, you still have the chance to find the right guy to have kids with you have many many years left to find someone. I can relate 100% my ex was my first time having sex and a relationship, before her I had done nothing more then kissed a girl. I knew she didn't have anywhere near the feelings for me (if she really had any or if it was just lies) I had for her, and that hurts a lot. At the end of the day though, it is what it is and life goes on. Just saying don't give up! Heartbreak is so painfully common. On friday night I met a girl the same story as most, crazy about a guy who cheated on her and didn't care about her. The sad part was once she got drunk she totally played guys for attention, talking to her while she was sober it was painfully obvious she was still hurting from the BU. If you get jaded and think all guys will be like your ex you're never going to find that guy who's different though. As far as Thailand, i'm actually thinking of going there this winter with my brother. Not for prostitutes though, it's suppose to be a good place to travel.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Ugh.. well... things were going ok until last night.. had a nightmare. It was the first time I ever see him in a dream. The nightmare was "set" some time before our break-up, and I supposedly discovered that he had a mistress in Thailand, and that he had tons of pics with her (he didn't want to have any pics of us together, except for 1 that he took the first week that we met). He was treating her like a princess, unlike the way he treated me. I saw them in bed together. She was quite ugly and I kept wondering, "is this who you left me for?" Can't say I'm not over him, or that I want him back, so I'm puzzled as to why I had that nightmare. I guess it's my brain's way of processing the whole thing -- or maybe the numbness is about to go away and the real pain starting to set in? I don't know.
NateC Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Ugh.. well... things were going ok until last night.. had a nightmare. It was the first time I ever see him in a dream. The nightmare was "set" some time before our break-up, and I supposedly discovered that he had a mistress in Thailand, and that he had tons of pics with her (he didn't want to have any pics of us together, except for 1 that he took the first week that we met). He was treating her like a princess, unlike the way he treated me. I saw them in bed together. She was quite ugly and I kept wondering, "is this who you left me for?" Can't say I'm not over him, or that I want him back, so I'm puzzled as to why I had that nightmare. I guess it's my brain's way of processing the whole thing -- or maybe the numbness is about to go away and the real pain starting to set in? I don't know. This will probably explain it: Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief After a Break Up Regardless of how much of an a*hole he was, a loss is a loss all the same. The mind can be very tricky to control and goes many different directions. It's all about knowing what those feelings are and knowing how to control them. Eventually it'll fade to a distant memory.
bluefairy812 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 can i just say the "i love you....as a friend" is a complete piece of sh*t lie? love doesn't walk away, people do. it's hurtful and a slap in the face after everything. how come he didn't love you as a friend when he was having sex with you? my ex told me the same thing after 4 years... its f*cking bullsh*t............. 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 can i just say the "i love you....as a friend" is a complete piece of sh*t lie? love doesn't walk away, people do. it's hurtful and a slap in the face after everything. how come he didn't love you as a friend when he was having sex with you? my ex told me the same thing after 4 years... its f*cking bullsh*t............. To be fair, he said he still wanted to have sex with me... as a friend... he implied that this is what he thought our relationship had been about all along: a FWB arrangement. I was played. But yeah, that line is such a cliche and a cop-out by players/douchebags.
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