I Don't Believe In Long Term Relationships?

[MrCastle]

I've been thinking about this all week. I'm 24, and have never been in love, never been in a long term relationship.The reasons for that have varied depending on the woman in question. Whether the girl wasn't interested in me in that way, or I just wanted to casually date and the girl wanted something more and so I would end it before she developed further feelings, etc.

 

In that time, I've had varying levels of single life success. We all have our highs and lows right? But I just feel like, the lows of single living (not having a date/not having consistent sex/not having a companion) are infinitely better than the lows of a relationship (lack of communication/arguing/distancing/jealousy/infidelity/etc)

 

I just don't agree with the long term relationship model. I don't understand why you would only want one person for long stretches of time as opposed to happy, fun, playful mini relationships with different types of people that when the little trist burns out, no one gets hurt, you just go your separate ways. No serious feelings are invested, no time is wasted. You just have your fun and when the tank runs out, you move on. I think we should be out experiencing different things and seeing all the world has to offer. You can't do this if you're attached to one person for considerable amounts of time.

 

At first I thought, maybe I'm just young. Maybe my attitude will change. But what if it doesn't? The bulk of my friends are either getting ready to settle down with their partners or in the process of looking for a partner to settle down with. I'm one of the few I know who isn't looking for that. I disagree fundementally with long term relationships. At the same time though, can I actually spend my years just going from person to person? Is this a matter of not having found the right one yet? I feel a lot of people put a constraint on this thing, like "I have to settle down by x age because society says I have to". I think people are more in love with the idea and theory of long term relationships, through conditioning and societal pressures, but in reality, very few relationships stand the test of time. I see it as a pointless exercise better spent focusing on yourself and developing your life, while dating casually on the side. There is no doubt long term relationships take compromise and sacrifices; I much prefer not having to compromise anything about my life or do things I don't want to do, just to please my partner.

 

Am I wrong for this? How many people agree with this? How many of you are into the long term relationship thing? Am I a commitment phobe?

[TaraMaiden]

Three things are important:

One: You do whatever you feel will make you happy, but act responsibly. (You don't want to know there's a christening due, after a quick fling)

 

Two: You be sure to be absolutely up-front about your intentions to potential 'dates'.

 

Three: Be flexible and open-minded enough to accept that you might be blind-sided by someone, some day, and you views/attitude could change.

 

Have a good time, be well.

[SmileFace]

Commitment phobe

 

I am not saying that that is a bad thing. I am one too, I consider long term to be a year and two years too much of my time. However it is some thing I have come to terms with. However I am open to a LTR for the right person - since he may just change my mind. However it is something you should understand about yourself - there is no right and wrong, just you. :-)

 

Plus I am only 22 and have never been in love or hurt by a guy. So I am not running off of bitterness at all.

 

I just like the idea of growing with different people at different parts in my life.

[Mycteria]

You're only 24. Plenty of people feel the same at that age. I'm 23, and I don't see the benefit of a committed relationship until I'm at the stage in my life where I'm ready to get married/have a kid. Until then...I'm going to date. May even fall in love. But I'm not going to commit to someone until I'm ready to make it for life.

 

Do you want kids? I don't see a problem with your lifestyle unless you want kids. If so, there is a definite benefit to choosing someone and sticking with them. But at your age, you're probably actually doing a good thing by dating a lot of women. So when you're ready for marriage/kids, then you'll know what you like and be able to pick a really good partner. That's the key, I think.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to disagree with you, SmileFace, - but I'm going to...

 

There's a difference between a commitment~phobe - someone whom I think becomes embroiled in a relationship with a SO, but isn't clear, open, up-front or honest about what they really want - maybe because they're not clear on it either - but who, once presented with a "painting you into a corner" scenario, bails and back-pedals, because thy fear precisely this happening -

 

- And -

 

Someone like MrCastle who seems pretty decided on what is and what isn't acceptable to him, has some pretty definite ideas of what he wants/doesn't want, and can also give sound reasons for thinking that way.

[verhrzn]

It also depends on your goals in life. A lot of people want to settle down because they want a lifestyle that requires stability. Kids, pets, a house... all of these are a lot easier to handle with a partner. (Being a single pet owner, or a single mom, is doable, but is VERY difficult.)

 

If you don't want these things, or if you have a lucrative enough job that you can pay others to take on some of the burden (doggie day care, a nanny, you have amazing credit, etc.) then I can see why a long term relationship might not seem terribly appealing.

 

Me myself, I love the idea of both stability, and a shared history. I love having inside jokes, a long string of shared experiences, and someone to come home too.

[MrCastle]

Hmm. Perhaps then I should tweak this thread to "I don't believe in long term relationships for young people", because I do believe I'd probably want kids somewhere down the line. My estimation would be in my 40s, that would mean another 20 years of living the lifestyle I have now. But seeing people my age or even a few years younger moving in with partners and talking about marriage is just insane to me. You're 24, what are the sheer odds you've found your soulmate at that age? Even if you add 20 years, you're still only 44--considerably young in the grand scheme of things in my opinion, especially given the life expectancy nowadays. When I hear girls or guys in school talk about their partners, and how they've already been living together for x amount of years and plan to tie the knot in the next 3-4 years, I'm just blown away. Why? Why do that at such a young age? Especially since I'd argue that my generaton is less mature than it should be. I hear all the time about how 30 is the new 20 in terms of maturation. But college is definitely not how it's often portrayed in movies, you have a very few percentage of people who date around and enjoy it; most are either single (not by choice but for lack of options) or all locked up in LTRs. I continue to be amazed by the lack of people my age who want to have some fun when it comes to dating.

[ASG]

At this moment in my life I honestly am not sure what I want.

 

Growing up it was always my goal so find someone, marry, have kids, etc. But then I was single for a good long while and you know what? I love it!!

 

I had multiple flings that were fun, didn't really get hurt a lot (or at least in a "crippling" way.. it can be painful when a fling ends even if you weren't that attached), and I had the time of my life.

 

Then I started seriously dating someone. And maybe because I was determined to make it work and not have just another fling, I ignore the incompatibilities that were present from the start. Those were maybe the most miserable 8 months of my life.

 

And now I'm back in my single ways and LOVING it!

 

So... I'm torn now. I do want to settle down and have kids (which I could possibly do on my own, but financially it's not exactly a good thing, but maybe in a few years if nothing else happens), but at the same time, I love my single life too much.

 

I love being able to go through my "little black book" and just have a night of fun without any worries! I also love my *ME* time. I love being alone, doing my own thing! I can spend weeks at home, not interacting, without getting bored! I need that (maybe not weeks, but yeah, that)

 

And, because my last R was such a train wreck and I feel like I annulled myself in order for us to be together... I REALLY don't want to do that ever again. And I don't know if, being that angry about having done it in the past, I won't just go completely overboard and not compromise on anything, which would also not be a good thing...

 

Hopefully there will be someone that comes along that changes my mind? And things actually work, but right now a LTR seems like an alien concept to me...

[thatone]

I've been thinking about this all week. I'm 24, and have never been in love, never been in a long term relationship.The reasons for that have varied depending on the woman in question. Whether the girl wasn't interested in me in that way, or I just wanted to casually date and the girl wanted something more and so I would end it before she developed further feelings, etc.

 

In that time, I've had varying levels of single life success. We all have our highs and lows right? But I just feel like, the lows of single living (not having a date/not having consistent sex/not having a companion) are infinitely better than the lows of a relationship (lack of communication/arguing/distancing/jealousy/infidelity/etc)

 

I just don't agree with the long term relationship model. I don't understand why you would only want one person for long stretches of time as opposed to happy, fun, playful mini relationships with different types of people that when the little trist burns out, no one gets hurt, you just go your separate ways. No serious feelings are invested, no time is wasted. You just have your fun and when the tank runs out, you move on. I think we should be out experiencing different things and seeing all the world has to offer. You can't do this if you're attached to one person for considerable amounts of time.

 

At first I thought, maybe I'm just young. Maybe my attitude will change. But what if it doesn't? The bulk of my friends are either getting ready to settle down with their partners or in the process of looking for a partner to settle down with. I'm one of the few I know who isn't looking for that. I disagree fundementally with long term relationships. At the same time though, can I actually spend my years just going from person to person? Is this a matter of not having found the right one yet? I feel a lot of people put a constraint on this thing, like "I have to settle down by x age because society says I have to". I think people are more in love with the idea and theory of long term relationships, through conditioning and societal pressures, but in reality, very few relationships stand the test of time. I see it as a pointless exercise better spent focusing on yourself and developing your life, while dating casually on the side. There is no doubt long term relationships take compromise and sacrifices; I much prefer not having to compromise anything about my life or do things I don't want to do, just to please my partner.

 

Am I wrong for this? How many people agree with this? How many of you are into the long term relationship thing? Am I a commitment phobe?

 

From a standpoint of negative stereotypes, you will find less psycho and more relationship oriented women as you get older. Its a numbers thing, who the average single woman in her 20s is, versus who the average single woman in her 30s or 40s is.

[MrCastle]

At this moment in my life I honestly am not sure what I want.

 

Growing up it was always my goal so find someone, marry, have kids, etc. But then I was single for a good long while and you know what? I love it!!

 

I had multiple flings that were fun, didn't really get hurt a lot (or at least in a "crippling" way.. it can be painful when a fling ends even if you weren't that attached), and I had the time of my life.

 

Then I started seriously dating someone. And maybe because I was determined to make it work and not have just another fling, I ignore the incompatibilities that were present from the start. Those were maybe the most miserable 8 months of my life.

 

And now I'm back in my single ways and LOVING it!

 

So... I'm torn now. I do want to settle down and have kids (which I could possibly do on my own, but financially it's not exactly a good thing, but maybe in a few years if nothing else happens), but at the same time, I love my single life too much.

 

I love being able to go through my "little black book" and just have a night of fun without any worries! I also love my *ME* time. I love being alone, doing my own thing! I can spend weeks at home, not interacting, without getting bored! I need that (maybe not weeks, but yeah, that)

 

And, because my last R was such a train wreck and I feel like I annulled myself in order for us to be together... I REALLY don't want to do that ever again. And I don't know if, being that angry about having done it in the past, I won't just go completely overboard and not compromise on anything, which would also not be a good thing...

 

Hopefully there will be someone that comes along that changes my mind? And things actually work, but right now a LTR seems like an alien concept to me...

 

Yeah this is how I feel. I really enjoy my me time. I mean I'm social when I want to be, and I have healthy circle of friends, but it does take a lot out of me if I'm social for too long; I actually feel fatigued after having to be "on" for long stretches of time. I feel like I'd have to be "on" quite often in a LTR and it would be tiring. I wouldn't be able to have as much alone time as I have now. I like being able to call a girl for a date, if I want, and then have fun. With a relationship, spending time is implied, and expected. If you don't handle that, the relationship becomes strained, and you lose chemistry.

 

I just don't think I'm built for the long term. I get bored very easily as well, which is a problem. My flings usually end on my terms because I just wake up one day and say "ehh, I'm kind of over this girl". My attraction to women doesn't last more than a few months. A few months is the max. I don't know if that's a permanent element of my personality that will never change, or if I will mature with time, or if a girl is gonna come into my life and change me, but as of right now, I don't know how people are with the same person for years. That scares me.

[verhrzn]

Hmm. Perhaps then I should tweak this thread to "I don't believe in long term relationships for young people", because I do believe I'd probably want kids somewhere down the line. My estimation would be in my 40s, that would mean another 20 years of living the lifestyle I have now. But seeing people my age or even a few years younger moving in with partners and talking about marriage is just insane to me. You're 24, what are the sheer odds you've found your soulmate at that age? Even if you add 20 years, you're still only 44--considerably young in the grand scheme of things in my opinion, especially given the life expectancy nowadays. When I hear girls or guys in school talk about their partners, and how they've already been living together for x amount of years and plan to tie the knot in the next 3-4 years, I'm just blown away. Why? Why do that at such a young age? Especially since I'd argue that my generaton is less mature than it should be. I hear all the time about how 30 is the new 20 in terms of maturation. But college is definitely not how it's often portrayed in movies, you have a very few percentage of people who date around and enjoy it; most are either single (not by choice but for lack of options) or all locked up in LTRs. I continue to be amazed by the lack of people my age who want to have some fun when it comes to dating.

 

But maybe they consider living with a long-term partner and settling down as "fun." I personally hate the dating scene with a passion. I'm an introvert, and it's socially exhausting, having to explain who I am over and over again, and have the same kind of conversations ("Oh man isn't that TV show great? Yeah, how bout them Twins?") over and over again. Casual dating is superficial... not surprising, it should be, since the idea is to get to know if you two are potentially compatible. But superficiality gets really tiresome after a while.

 

I also don't really believe in soul mates. I believe we are "truly" compatible with more than just one or two people.

 

On the other hand, relationships, and especially living together can be really difficult. Think how hard it is to find a decent roommate-now add sex and emotional intimacy on top of that! If a person has found someone that they can not only live with, but enjoy/tolerate for long stretches of time, that is pretty darn good!! In practical terms, that's what a long-term relationship SHOULD be. If they've found that, why should they toss it out in favor of hoping to find it again somewhere down the road?

 

Furthermore, you may be able to wait until you're 44, but do you really want to be chasing down a toddler at that age?? It means you'd be nearing retirement when he graduates high school! For women especially, the time we are told to have children is between 25 and 32... If we want a few years alone with our partner for traveling/adventure purposes, then by sheer mathematics, we HAVE to be settling down with them around mid-20's.

 

You also need to remember that our generation is kind of weird... In olden days (pre-1950's ish) people either married by the time they were 18 or 19, or continued to live with their parents until they married. The Baby Boomers were the first ones to really live independently, on their own, without either parents or spouses, and even they didn't put off marriage very long. (My parents married when they were both early 20's.) Remember, up until long-distance travel became feasible, your "soul mate" choices were pretty much limited to your small town and the surrounding areas.

 

Economists actually suggest this is a much smarter and practical way to do things... combining households means less expense, less waste, more money for savings and future-building. It really is kind of ridiculous to think that I live in a fairly large 1-bedroom all by myself, and am putting nearly half my paycheck to rent, when I could be splitting in half if I lived with a partner, or putting it ALL into savings if I lived at home.

 

People love to be romantic, and honestly, I think commitment-phobes actually are, at the core, very romantic. But long-term relationships are just as much about practicality, and by that stretch, settling down in your 20's makes a lot of sense.

[xxoo]

Hmm. Perhaps then I should tweak this thread to "I don't believe in long term relationships for young people", because I do believe I'd probably want kids somewhere down the line. My estimation would be in my 40s, that would mean another 20 years of living the lifestyle I have now. But seeing people my age or even a few years younger moving in with partners and talking about marriage is just insane to me. You're 24, what are the sheer odds you've found your soulmate at that age? Even if you add 20 years, you're still only 44--considerably young in the grand scheme of things in my opinion, especially given the life expectancy nowadays. When I hear girls or guys in school talk about their partners, and how they've already been living together for x amount of years and plan to tie the knot in the next 3-4 years, I'm just blown away. Why? Why do that at such a young age? Especially since I'd argue that my generaton is less mature than it should be. I hear all the time about how 30 is the new 20 in terms of maturation. But college is definitely not how it's often portrayed in movies, you have a very few percentage of people who date around and enjoy it; most are either single (not by choice but for lack of options) or all locked up in LTRs. I continue to be amazed by the lack of people my age who want to have some fun when it comes to dating.

 

Speaking as a person who partnered off at 17.....

 

When you meet someone you don't want to let go.....why break up?

 

Breaking up with someone you love is painful. Dating new people can be fun, but losing someone you love is not fun.

 

Also, having a lot of sexual partners doesn't sound appealing to me at all.

[Mycteria]

Hmm. Perhaps then I should tweak this thread to "I don't believe in long term relationships for young people", because I do believe I'd probably want kids somewhere down the line. My estimation would be in my 40s, that would mean another 20 years of living the lifestyle I have now. But seeing people my age or even a few years younger moving in with partners and talking about marriage is just insane to me. You're 24, what are the sheer odds you've found your soulmate at that age? Even if you add 20 years, you're still only 44--considerably young in the grand scheme of things in my opinion, especially given the life expectancy nowadays. When I hear girls or guys in school talk about their partners, and how they've already been living together for x amount of years and plan to tie the knot in the next 3-4 years, I'm just blown away. Why? Why do that at such a young age? Especially since I'd argue that my generaton is less mature than it should be. I hear all the time about how 30 is the new 20 in terms of maturation. But college is definitely not how it's often portrayed in movies, you have a very few percentage of people who date around and enjoy it; most are either single (not by choice but for lack of options) or all locked up in LTRs. I continue to be amazed by the lack of people my age who want to have some fun when it comes to dating.

I completely agree with you. Some potential problems (not to deter you from your lifestyle, just throwing this out there for consideration):

 

1) You're probably going to have to marry someone much younger than you if you realistically don't want to settle down until you're in your 40s, but still want a family.

 

2) You're going to be raising kids in your 60s. Certainly doable, but potentially problematic.

 

3) Most people will be married by then, so your pool of dating options will me much smaller. That, or you're going to have to deal with baggage from divorce(s) and maybe prior children.

 

Like I said, I'm not trying to discourage you. Just pointing out potential pitfalls. I don't want to settle down yet either, but I don't want to wait as long as you do simply because I want to have my kid by the time I'm 30 for health reasons.

[suladas]

I'm 23 and quite a few of my friends are married or getting married and I will agree it's way to young. I'm not ready to get married and have kids or anything for a long time, but at the same time i'd be happy in a LTR i'm sure. I just would want to take things slow as I do still enjoy living alone and having a lot of time to myself, but when I had the right person before I didn't really want that much alone time. It actually changed me a lot.

 

I got a good glimpse at a LTR for a bit, and I really liked it. Coming home, having dinner together and spending the night together is really good. I can say i'm much more comfortable and enjoy it more after knowing someone for at least a few months, then in the early stages.

 

If I have nothing but short term relationships for the next few years, or end up in a LTR it really doesn't matter to me. I'm open to either. If i'm still single at 30 without a LTR I might start to get a bit worried.

[Mycteria]

Yeah this is how I feel. I really enjoy my me time. I mean I'm social when I want to be, and I have healthy circle of friends, but it does take a lot out of me if I'm social for too long; I actually feel fatigued after having to be "on" for long stretches of time. I feel like I'd have to be "on" quite often in a LTR and it would be tiring. I wouldn't be able to have as much alone time as I have now. I like being able to call a girl for a date, if I want, and then have fun. With a relationship, spending time is implied, and expected. If you don't handle that, the relationship becomes strained, and you lose chemistry.

 

I just don't think I'm built for the long term. I get bored very easily as well, which is a problem. My flings usually end on my terms because I just wake up one day and say "ehh, I'm kind of over this girl". My attraction to women doesn't last more than a few months. A few months is the max. I don't know if that's a permanent element of my personality that will never change, or if I will mature with time, or if a girl is gonna come into my life and change me, but as of right now, I don't know how people are with the same person for years. That scares me.

Much of this will change as you get older. I was an extreme introvert when I was younger and couldn't imagine being with someone for a long time, as too much interaction wore me out. I've become an extrovert, so it's not as much of an issue, but I found that even when I was an introvert, there were certain people who did not strain me. That was one of my measures of compatibility when I was doing the whole LTR thing.

 

I also get bored easily. I think eventually you will be happy in a LTR, it just needs to be when you are ready and when you find the right person. The right person won't wear you down or bore you so quickly. It still takes work to keep it interesting after x number of years, but by that age you'll have other things to focus on as well (kids, house, etc.) I think you need to keep doing exactly what you're doing for now. You'll know when (if ever) it's time to change. Either because you meet the right person, or because you feel ready for that next stage in your life.

[january2011]

I'm into LTRs and at your age, I was already in an LTR of one year, which ended up lasting 10+ years.

 

I'm neither built for nor have the inclination to do ONS, any other short-term relationship, dating around, multi-dating, etc. I just don't want to spend time or energy investing feelings and sex into a series of short relationships. I'd rather invest all that in an LTR. Like V, I want the stability and shared history/experiences.

[ThaWholigan]

At a guess, I think you have pretty high standards for what you want in a person and it's not necessarily conscious on your part. It's going to take a really deep, soulful connection with someone on a deeply unconscious level to really make you consider a lifelong commitment. For some others, it may be easier to build or find that connection - for you, that connection is worthless if it isn't of substance to you. Real substance.

 

In that regard, I'm not sure if it's to do with your youth - I am the same age as you and I feel I could quite easily sustain a LTR and build a similar connection over time. With you, I think you need to feel it move you - almost transform you in a monumental way - before you embark on a long-term relationship. For now, you like the idea of the short term and you will certainly be happy to make do with that rather than entertain a dud LTR. It's all or nothing.

 

Am I on the money?

[ASG]

Yeah this is how I feel. I really enjoy my me time. I mean I'm social when I want to be, and I have healthy circle of friends, but it does take a lot out of me if I'm social for too long; I actually feel fatigued after having to be "on" for long stretches of time. I feel like I'd have to be "on" quite often in a LTR and it would be tiring. I wouldn't be able to have as much alone time as I have now. I like being able to call a girl for a date, if I want, and then have fun. With a relationship, spending time is implied, and expected. If you don't handle that, the relationship becomes strained, and you lose chemistry.

 

I just don't think I'm built for the long term. I get bored very easily as well, which is a problem. My flings usually end on my terms because I just wake up one day and say "ehh, I'm kind of over this girl". My attraction to women doesn't last more than a few months. A few months is the max. I don't know if that's a permanent element of my personality that will never change, or if I will mature with time, or if a girl is gonna come into my life and change me, but as of right now, I don't know how people are with the same person for years. That scares me.

 

I'm 5 years older than you but feel the same.

 

If I go on holiday with friends, after that week I need to go into hiding. I honestly cannot cope with any more social interaction!

 

I have lots of friends and am a social butterfly, but sometimes it's just too much and I decline invitations to go out if I've been out every day for the past week or so, just because I want to stay home and do absolutely nothing!

 

I get bored as well. Usually it doesn't even last months. It lasts until we have sex and then I'm done. I like the chase, I like the game. And after it's done... I tend to move on. Not always, of course, but I would say about 50% of the time. And when I don't move on straight away, it starts fading after a while.

[MrCastle]

At a guess, I think you have pretty high standards for what you want in a person and it's not necessarily conscious on your part. It's going to take a really deep, soulful connection with someone on a deeply unconscious level to really make you consider a lifelong commitment. For some others, it may be easier to build or find that connection - for you, that connection is worthless if it isn't of substance to you. Real substance.

 

In that regard, I'm not sure if it's to do with your youth - I am the same age as you and I feel I could quite easily sustain a LTR and build a similar connection over time. With you, I think you need to feel it move you - almost transform you in a monumental way - before you embark on a long-term relationship. For now, you like the idea of the short term and you will certainly be happy to make do with that rather than entertain a dud LTR. It's all or nothing.

 

Am I on the money?

 

Yeah, heh--I wonder how much of that you got from my astrological sign

 

Yes, I will fully admit I have high standards. I always shoot for the stars. So I need a pure physical knockout beauty but also someone whose personality meshes with mine. I've always found one or the other in women but not both.

[xxoo]

At a guess, I think you have pretty high standards for what you want in a person and it's not necessarily conscious on your part. It's going to take a really deep, soulful connection with someone on a deeply unconscious level to really make you consider a lifelong commitment. For some others, it may be easier to build or find that connection - for you, that connection is worthless if it isn't of substance to you. Real substance.

 

I partnered very young, but I can still relate to this.

 

I didn't begin dating my husband thinking I was going to marry him For goodness sakes, I was 17, and I thought we'd break up when I went off to college.

 

Then life happened, and we bonded in a way that I could never have expected, and I'm still waiting for the day that I tire of sharing my life with him....more than 20 years later.

 

You can find that substance when you aren't looking for it. In fact, it may be more difficult to find when searching for it than it is to trip over it when not.

[TheBigQuestion]

At a guess, I think you have pretty high standards for what you want in a person and it's not necessarily conscious on your part. It's going to take a really deep, soulful connection with someone on a deeply unconscious level to really make you consider a lifelong commitment. For some others, it may be easier to build or find that connection - for you, that connection is worthless if it isn't of substance to you. Real substance.

 

In that regard, I'm not sure if it's to do with your youth - I am the same age as you and I feel I could quite easily sustain a LTR and build a similar connection over time. With you, I think you need to feel it move you - almost transform you in a monumental way - before you embark on a long-term relationship. For now, you like the idea of the short term and you will certainly be happy to make do with that rather than entertain a dud LTR. It's all or nothing.

 

Am I on the money?

 

Quite insightful. If a girl doesn't completely knock me on my ass, I have no desire for a long-term commitment with her. I spent over 3 years of my life voluntary single, and it wasn't bad at all. I suppose unlike other people, I'm not dependent on a significant other in order to give my life purpose or feel "whole."