River Rain Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 ...this is a question with regards to online dating. I joined a site this week in an attempt to boost my ego after the breakup. I got lots of messages, which was nice, and surprising to be honest. But some of the men are either not my type (smokers, have kids living with them), or I'm just not seeing much in common. I reply to every message. If I'm not interested, I just reply that "thank you, but I'm not a smoker" or "thanks but I really am not looking for a relationship with kids involved", but now I'm wondering what is the "etiquette"? I'm so new at dating. I feel like, if I ignore the message, then I'm hurting the guy by leaving him hanging...but then logic tells me there are no expectations from a first message. Maybe these are lingering sensitivities because my ex was a classic silent-treatment ignorer. I'm kind of lost in the world of dating, this may seem trivial to some, but it's kind of bothering me because I don't know how to proceed. If it were you, would you rather be ignored or know that the girl/guy isn't interested?
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 TBH, I'd rather know. There's nothing worse - for example, in a job application/interview process - than being left hanging, and then discovering the job has been allocated to an internal applicant/has been filled. You could put in your profile, "Feel free to contact me - but if you don't hear from me within a week, then perhaps you would like to broaden your search.... thanks!"
Author River Rain Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 You could put in your profile, "Feel free to contact me - but if you don't hear from me within a week, then perhaps you would like to broaden your search.... thanks!" That's a good idea. I like that. That would be good for certain situations. I got a, um...questionable message today, obviously someone looking to hook up. I couldn't press the delete button quick enough, lol...but I still felt like I should have replied with a no. Too much empathy maybe!
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 TBH, I'd rather know. There's nothing worse - for example, in a job application/interview process - than being left hanging, and then discovering the job has been allocated to an internal applicant/has been filled. You could put in your profile, "Feel free to contact me - but if you don't hear from me within a week, then perhaps you would like to broaden your search.... thanks!" If you go this route, perhaps you could just say: "Feel free to contact me - if you don't hear from me within a week it's due to incompatibility. " I would avoid using the word "but" because it can be a leeway to a negative. Especially after saying "feel free to contact me" and then "but". I think this would detere men from contacting you at all. I also wouldn't tell them what they should be doing, such as "broadening" their search after you are basically turning them down.This is up for them to figure out on their own. All in all, I think giving a short personal response to them in private email is nice over keeping something permently in your profile.That's what I did. Healthy men were very positive in response and wished me the best. Unhealthy men would get angry and beligerent. It was a good way for me to more easily pick up on cues men give to see which type of a guy they were before even giving them a response. The only men I ever said something like, "I am sorry I am not interested because of x,y or z" where the men that ignored what I was looking for in my profile to begin with. Such as men that where older then my already generous enough age bracket.
oaks Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 ...this is a question with regards to online dating. I joined a site this week in an attempt to boost my ego after the breakup. I got lots of messages, which was nice, and surprising to be honest. But some of the men are either not my type (smokers, have kids living with them), or I'm just not seeing much in common. If you've got a small list of objective dealbreakers like smoking and having kids, feel free to put this in your profile... and then don't reply to anyone who can't be bothered to read! (Don't get carried away with a long list or it just looks negative.) Consider using the features of the site to display what ages you're interested in (and on some sites, like PoF, this can stop those outside your preferred age range from contacting you)... and again, ignore people who don't pay attention to what you've stated you're looking for. but then logic tells me there are no expectations from a first message. Yes, although not everyone approaches it logically. Unfortunately you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Some guys will pester you for not replying, and some guys will pester you when you reply (trying to change your mind... "oh, but I'm giving up smoking and I hardly smoke at all anymore" etc). When I get a nice "sorry but I'm not interested" rejection it's, well, nice... but I don't get upset when I receive nothing.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 If you're not interested don't respond. No one is entitled to a response on a dating site. It's usually annoying to get a notification saying you've got a message only to have it say "not interested". 1
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