Just smile Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I almost caved and made a complete ******* out of myself. But didn't. I'm having a particularly hard day. Very depressed. A huge part of me cannot believe he hasn't reached out to me, another part of me wants to retaliate ,and another part wants to find him .help
Drseussgrrl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Feel proud of yourself for not caving in. You'll look back and be so thankful that you didn't! One day at a time!!
kae Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 u did good. dont you just looooooove..the LoveShack!!!
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I'm so sorry you are going through this!!! Today is a rough day for me too, I almost made an a$$ of myself last night but didn't just like you. I can't get her out of my head, the thoughts won't stop coming, I've been crying or close to tears all morning. I keep trying to focus on the negatives but my heart won't budge, it misses her and I have no control right now. What I'm going to try to do is listen to all the advice given on this forum. I don't know if it'll work but I just put some clothes on and going to the gym, then maybe go shopping, maybe meet a friend for lunch. Just keep moving Just Smile. Getting over someone has its ups and downs, be conscience of your emotions and realize that when you're feeling good that you will begin to crash soon. On the flip side after a down period remember that it will get better soon. Try to hang in there, find anything to keep you occupied for a while. If that doesn't work try something else. Also retaliation and finding him won't help. If he left you (which it sounds like) the negative or positive things you have to tell him won't mean as much to him as it does to you. He simply has a head start on the recovery phase and whatever you decide, find him or retaliate, the result won't be good, and you will find yourself deeper in the hole that we both sit in. Again I am sorry you are having a bad day, I can truly empathise with you!! Try to remain strong, and remember this will pass. 1
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I was just googling and I found a great quote that really spoke to me, maybe the relief will only be momentary but its a shot. "In his mind he already knows you want him back, and he simply doesn't care. Take that as a sign!" Harsh I know, wasn't easy for me to read, but sometimes we need harshness to break the emotional rush we are feeling. 1
Author Just smile Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 It should be easy for me to be strong, this is probably the 20 th time he has broken it off with me in 4 years.all because of his inability to be in a relationship. The relationship has always been on his terms, he has continually put me on a shelf and taken me off when he felt like it. If I pressed these issues, I was always making him uncomfortable. It certainly didn't help he was on medication for everything and had severely low libido .which caused me to always feel un attractive to him. I believe the man could be bi polar and I guess I was always tryng to fix the jerk. I gave , gave gave and got so little In return.but when it was good for those short periods of time, it was bliss. Always reverting back to this. This is the longest we have ever went without speaking, although we had these issues, we were each others best friends, more so friends than occasional lovers. Each and every single time we did NC he always threw a crumb, and I bit. This time, nothing. I guess he's done ,really doesn't care for me. This is what makes me sad.such a waste of four years.i was stupid.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I know where you are coming from because I was in a relationship with a guy that could not commit, therefore, we were in a relationship that was solely on his terms. "This time, nothing. I guess he's done ,really doesn't care for me. This is what makes me sad.such a waste of four years.i was stupid." I don't believe it's about whether they care about you. Even if he did or didn't, he'd still be the same non-committal man he is. Even if he did reach out, and it did show he cared, he'd most likely leave again. It's not about care, it's about their make. Take his silence as a blessing because if he did come back, he'd derail you and you'd be here crying about how you wasted another year. Unfortunately you chose to invest 4 years of doing the same thing over and over again hoping he'd change. A harsh and valuable lesson. It wasn't a waste if it helps you stay wiser and stronger for the future.
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Each and every single time we did NC he always threw a crumb, and I bit. This time, nothing. I guess he's done ,really doesn't care for me. This is what makes me sad.such a waste of four years.i was stupid. don't believe all of that I've been guilty of behaving like that (breadcrumbs, in and out, but def not the low libido part ) and I've always caved and tossed a breadcrumb in the past as an act of desperation because my life was just **** without her. But we could never work through our issues, and it seemed she started to close off more and more to where in June it was just sort of an unspoken FWB. Not good enough for me, so I broke it off *again*. And this time I've worked really hard to stay NC for the benefit of both of us. Spending 4 years, or 16 for me, you can't just turn those feelings off even if you are the most jaded guy. There comes a point where we see that we just have to stop hurting you, and stop allowing her to hurt us. In my case we're very toxic for each other now, I wish with all my heart that it could be different. We'd want to work on it at different times, but rarely together. I try to remember that, regardless of what she did to me that she can't do anymore, I still love that girl with all my heart, I've said in the past that I don't think I'll ever have the chance to love like that again (I'm in my 50's, this is the girl of my dreams) but I'm grateful and a better man for the experiences. But we just were not working, and I love her enough not to want to continue to hurt her so I have to let go and turn my eyes forward and walk my path. I'm not tossing this out as a breadcrumb for you to find hope for reconciliation within, just trying to get you to consider things in a different light, a different possibility - Your ex not contacting you might be one of the greatest expressions of love he can make for you, to let you go, to stop hurting you, to allow you both to move on, to be strong enough not to get back in touch, to protect you from him and vice versa. He spent 4 years with you. It is significant to him. He didn't throw you in the trash. He is dying inside too. He is trying to man up and do what you both know is best. It is hard as **** and the hurt runs to the core.
Author Just smile Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 don't believe all of that I've been guilty of behaving like that (breadcrumbs, in and out, but def not the low libido part ) and I've always caved and tossed a breadcrumb in the past as an act of desperation because my life was just **** without her. But we could never work through our issues, and it seemed she started to close off more and more to where in June it was just sort of an unspoken FWB. Not good enough for me, so I broke it off *again*. And this time I've worked really hard to stay NC for the benefit of both of us. Spending 4 years, or 16 for me, you can't just turn those feelings off even if you are the most jaded guy. There comes a point where we see that we just have to stop hurting you, and stop allowing her to hurt us. In my case we're very toxic for each other now, I wish with all my heart that it could be different. We'd want to work on it at different times, but rarely together. I try to remember that, regardless of what she did to me that she can't do anymore, I still love that girl with all my heart, I've said in the past that I don't think I'll ever have the chance to love like that again (I'm in my 50's, this is the girl of my dreams) but I'm grateful and a better man for the experiences. But we just were not working, and I love her enough not to want to continue to hurt her so I have to let go and turn my eyes forward and walk my path. I'm not tossing this out as a breadcrumb for you to find hope for reconciliation within, just trying to get you to consider things in a different light, a different possibility - Your ex not contacting you might be one of the greatest expressions of love he can make for you, to let you go, to stop hurting you, to allow you both to move on, to be strong enough not to get back in touch, to protect you from him and vice versa. He spent 4 years with you. It is significant to him. He didn't throw you in the trash. He is dying inside too. He is trying to man up and do what you both know is best. It is hard as **** and the hurt runs to the core. This post made me cry.i know in my heart he feels each and every time he has tried to end this that it was for my best interest,but every time he gave in and called, I cried, he cried and we ended up in each others arms... Sigh. I'm miserable. So sad.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 This post made me cry.i know in my heart he feels each and every time he has tried to end this that it was for my best interest,but every time he gave in and called, I cried, he cried and we ended up in each others arms... Sigh. I'm miserable. So sad. And that's the cycle, Smile. I went through the same thing. And while they care and most likely would love to have a chance at truly making it work, I believe their issues overpower them. I remember my ex saying to me that if he could change who he was, he'd want to make it work but everytime he would feel overwhelmed by the relationship. He's been with several women now since we broke up nearly two years ago and is still alone, repeating his patterns. Last week he texted me with, "Why am I this way? I still think of what we had but why can't I want it when I know I want it." I didn't know what to say. Now that I am detached, a little part of me was still sad for him. It's sad and it's how they're wired. You shouldn't view him not reaching out as him not caring but more so a blessing, for your own sake. There is nothing you can do to fix this. The pattern is such that it will most likely repeat itself. Feel the pain and the loss and try to accept that even if he came back, do you truly believe it would be different? If not, keep moving forward. The pain will come in waves but know that it won't always be this way.
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I'm sorry you hurt, I know your pain. Hang in there, love yourself as best you can, be kind to you. Turn those mental tapes off, they don't serve you. What you feel is normal, as unbelievable as it sounds right now >it will pass<, you need to allow yourself some time. There will come a day when you look back lovingly on your time together without all the hurt you feel now. I'm not anywhere close to there yet, but I hear such a place exists lol. No, I know it does. Been through a couple of tough ones in my much younger days. Said I'd never do it again. But she got me, and here I am
Author Just smile Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I have kids to care for,my main focus should be on them,and this ******* has me frazzled and the pain is debilatating to me. I can't focus, sleeping very restless, I dream of him, and wake up soooooo sad, I feel like I've been hit in the gut, stabbed in my heart. I don't think I can remember ever feeling such deep pain. I feel like I've been in a boxing ring. Something inside me tells me he IS going to call. I'm not sure if it excites me or scares me. My kids never liked this man, he always distanced himself from getting too close to them. His daughter, who is a grown woman and he still supports hates my guts and made the relationship miserable because every time we fought he would share our personal arguments with the kid. She then hated me and thought of me as a threat. It was always a tug of war to be a part is his life.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) I can't imagine having kids and forcing yourself to keep a straight face. All that you are feeling is perfectly normal. It's the grieving process. They say the grief experienced during a break-up is close to the equivalent of grieving for the death of a loved one. Don't be hard on yourself. Well, with all you know and all you identify, if he calls what will you do? You have to seriously ask yourself what you want for you and your children. It's time to step out of that emotional bubble and focus, even for a little while, the reality of what you have infront of you. You said you wasted 4 years. Then the choice to make is one where you stop investing more time in a relationship that has not given you anything in return. You're not sure if it excites you? What about the pain that he put your through for 4 years? Does that excite you enough to want to pick up the phone and engage? You're not sure if it scares you? It should scare you because the last thing you want to do is fall in the hole again. It's always a tug of war to be a part of his life? The thing is he never made you a part of his life because he never let you in, completely. Don't engage him because you need him to salve your pain. He IS your source of pain. He CANNOT comfort you. Chapter I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Chapter IV I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter V I walk down another street Edited October 4, 2012 by geegirl 3
Author Just smile Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 I'm going to sleep with a pit in my stomach.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Well it's a good thing you didn't. It shows that you are not weak, even if it feels like you are. For me, it doesn't help to spend time with others / be around others when I'm in this situation. I need some me-time. Rent a movie and watch it at home, or go see a movie by yourself, or go shopping. All these will help take your mind off things, rather than just sit around doing nothing, waiting for the ex to reach out to you. It's hard at first, but set a pattern/routine, and stick to it. I started watching a movie every night, and it's helped immensely. Takes my mind off him before I go to sleep. And I end up sleeping well. 1
Author Just smile Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 My daughter is completely taking my mind off it.but when she falls asleep and I finally nod off. I wake up in a panic. I dream of him, and when I dream everything is ok.i wake up and realize it isn't. Like you, I like to be alone when feeling like this.but I become too isolated,and then I cry and become more depressed. ..I keep thinking he probably found another woman who has sparked his interest, somehow thinking this makes me feel better... I had thought by now I would have gotten a sign from him, but nothing.nothing at all. I do think he's met someone else he can chase ...he loves unavailable women, they attract him. The man is toxic and should come with a warning label and I'm pining for this prick. Oh man do I hope karma comes back for him.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 The man is toxic and should come with a warning label and I'm pining for this prick. I totally know the feeling. Trust me. No man can get much worse than my ex, to be honest. The stuff he's said and done are just.... jawdropping. And yet I have a hard time getting over him, still love him, etc. Hang in there. Hugs.
suladas Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 That's weird you both prefer to be alone, i'm the opposite. Well i'm not working so i'm home most of the day alone, and all I want to do at night is go spend time with friends and family, gotta get out of the house. It kills me a lot of nights knowing she's right next door, not 20 feet away from me. At first I just wanted to be alone, but now I find being with others it really keeps my mind off her. The messed up part is I actually feel bad for her. Seen a new pic on facebook before I deleted her this week and she didn't look good, looked like she's put on weight since the BU and just looked down, and anytime i'm outside at the same time as her she always seems to be upset and seems to be hiding inside. It's weird that she hurt me, yet I still feel bad for her. I don't even want to date her again, I just want to go back to being neighbors who talk once in a while but I don't know how to do that
KatZee Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Amazon it. Kindle it. You'll feel better almost immediately. You're doing good with the NC!
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