Should I disclose infidelity?

[demoness]

My husband and I are going to marriage counseling. My counselor stated if I tell him something it is not confidential between my husband and I, that we are treated and one as far as confidentiality. I have not told my husband that I have cheated on him on 6 different occasions. I'm not sure I want to tell him but since we are going to counseling and I want things to work with us should I tell him about the infidelity or keep it quite and continue not cheating in the future and work things out with him?

 

Any advise would be helpful. Please don't respond negatively to me about cheating. I know its wrong. I don't need to be reprimanded for it and I am trying to stay on the right path now and do the right thing.

[WhatASituation]

Do you feel guilty at all? No, this question is not asking in a "reprimanding" way. Somethings are better left unsaid and if you can live with it, just don't even mention it and move on. Just don't put yourself in those situations where cheating is a temptation.

 

I'm sure many people will flame me for this, but telling your H that you've cheated on 6 different occasions, would destroy him. If it was me, I'd rather not know.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't believe that you can get your marriage on the right track with such a gigantic lie between you.

 

You should tell him. He deserves the opportunity to choose how to proceed in this marriage knowing the real situation rather than what makes it better for you.

 

Cheating 6 times really indicates a chronic issue and I bet there is something behind that that needs to be addressed or it will probably still be a problem.

[JamesM]

Ditto what has been said.

 

 

What was the cheating? Was it one night stands or longer term affairs? Who were the men? Do you still see them?

 

Why are the two of you going to counseling?

 

Marriage counseling is for the purpose of fixing the marriage. Ignoring part of the problem will not help you. While the affairs may have been a symptom, they still are a breach of trust.

 

Would you want to know if he had cheated with six women? How would you feel if he kept it secret now and you found out later?

 

Are you afraid he will divorce you even though he is committing to counseling?

 

What will you do if the question is asked of you in the counselor's office? Will you lie?

 

What happens if the marriage is happy again, and then one or more of the affairs is revealed?

 

I think it is best to get it all out now. Having said that, I can see why you would want to keep it a secret, and i might consider it too. My fear for you is that if it comes out later, then your marriage is over for certain. And if the going gets tough down the road, why do you think you won't cheat the next time?

[RiverRunning]

My stance is that if you cheat ONCE (one night stand), and truly regret it and never repeat it, it is probably best to keep your mouth shut. Obviously, that's not true in every occasion, but I'm willing to bet that most people would be more forgiving of that scenario than a long-term affair.

 

But this is a chronic problem - you've cheated 6 different times. It may be in your best interest to try and have some separate counseling elsewhere first. What motivated you to cheat? Loneliness, wanting to feel attractive, the excitement and thrill? Low self-esteem? Getting to the bottom of that first, so you never repeat this again no matter if you're with your husband or not, is the first step.

 

And then hopefully you can discuss the best approaches for telling your husband. It is going to be very difficult. But if you've cheated so many times (and with so many other people?), it may just be a matter of time before a spiteful former lover says something to your husband. And how devastating it would be to hear that from a stranger rather than from his own wife.

 

You've had troubles, obviously, so it may not come as a shock that you've cheated (maybe he has too, for that matter).

 

I can respect someone who can own up to a mistake and try to make it better, no matter how awful it may seem at the time. I trust that you were not trying to hurt your husband and make him miserable by cheating - but rather, you were trying to remedy a desire of your own. Doesn't make it right, but intentions do matter.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Cb3657]

Picture this, sitting with a consuller making commitment for honesty, looking into your husbands eyes as he tells you feelings, tells some horrible secret he keeps, asking you to be honest.

I think you would have to be a pretty talented liar or have no love left for your husband to not give away your secret then by facial expression or some other cue.

Go into this with the attitude that it will come out, cause if you are really committed to the process and your marriage it will.

[underwater2010]

My husband and I are going to marriage counseling. My counselor stated if I tell him something it is not confidential between my husband and I, that we are treated and one as far as confidentiality. I have not told my husband that I have cheated on him on 6 different occasions. I'm not sure I want to tell him but since we are going to counseling and I want things to work with us should I tell him about the infidelity or keep it quite and continue not cheating in the future and work things out with him?

 

Any advise would be helpful. Please don't respond negatively to me about cheating. I know its wrong. I don't need to be reprimanded for it and I am trying to stay on the right path now and do the right thing.

Your husband is giving you a chance to repair a broken marriage. There is no other time that would perfect for you to come completely clean. Will he divorce you over it? Maybe. Will he be able to forgive you? Maybe. But your marriage absolutely deserves a clean slate. Your husband deserves to know what kind of woman he has married and if you are worth staying for.

 

Since I have not seen you post again I will ask you why you are currently in marriage counciling?

[TaraMaiden]

Every action has a consequence, every cause has an effect. Like ripples in a pond, they radiate outwards and carry the shock-waves with them. You cannot expect this to not be exposed at one point or another. It has to be; the fact that it is a question in your mind, is perhaps an indication that you know you really SHOULD tell him - but you're wondering if this is the best moment....

 

I would say - No time like the present - and you have the 'shock-buffer' of the counselling room, with the counsellor present, to cushion the blow.....

 

You did the wrong thing.

But you did the wrong thing - 6 times.

we don't know why, we don't know the circumstances, how long you've been married whether you have children or what your H. is like.

 

All that considered, you yourself state "I know its wrong. I don't need to be reprimanded for it and I am trying to stay on the right path now and do the right thing."

 

Nobody is reprimanding you, but you therefore owe it to your H. to give him the liberty to make his own decision about the impact of the revelation, and accept the consequences.

 

That said, if you have to 'try' to do the right thing... are you certain that staying in the marriage, is that 'right thing'?

Strikes me that if you were able to do this 6 times, then maybe, it is not your proclivity to stray that needs examining, but why you're married at all.

[whichwayisup]

My husband and I are going to marriage counseling. My counselor stated if I tell him something it is not confidential between my husband and I, that we are treated and one as far as confidentiality. I have not told my husband that I have cheated on him on 6 different occasions. I'm not sure I want to tell him but since we are going to counseling and I want things to work with us should I tell him about the infidelity or keep it quite and continue not cheating in the future and work things out with him?

 

Any advise would be helpful. Please don't respond negatively to me about cheating. I know its wrong. I don't need to be reprimanded for it and I am trying to stay on the right path now and do the right thing.

 

If you truly are trying to fix your marriage then you need to come clean so he can forgive you, want to give you that chance to work on the marriage and also work on yourself. To prove to him that you can be trustworthy again.. Right now, let's say your marriage gets back on track. What is stopping you from cheating on him again? What consquences have you suffered to not want to cheat, not want to hurt and betray him?

 

If he finds out on his own about your six times of cheating after the fact and after you've been to counselling together, he will hurt and MORE betrayed that you hid the truth from him.

 

I would think that your marriage counsellor wants you to confess and tell the truth. ?

[Sauron]

Hey OP, the past is the past, it is dead and gone. Most likely your husband had a few flings if you did. If you are truly interested in staying married focus on the future. In my opinion most marriage counslers are interested in keeping you in counsleing as long as your insurance company is paying. Here i can save you some time and money "Live in the moment" that's what they will tell you, don't dredge up the past. Take the money you will spend on yourdeductible and take hubby on a vacation. Just curious does H bore you or do you have great sex but just not enough?

[Mme. Chaucer]

In case the OP is ever coming back:

 

You might want to go to therapy on your own if you need to get to the bottom of your own issues and have confidentiality about it.

 

I still don't think you will ever have a sound marriage if you keep this secret.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Tell.

 

MC without truth about the likely big issue why your marriage is in trouble, will very likely not work.

 

Also, if you stick together you will always have it over you and will never be able to say, that you have been honest with your partner. Those silent issues will forever go unaddressed. Which means they are still there.

 

Also, it is his life too. You are stealing from him his ability to make choices by lying to him, repeatedly, and again now in a situation which is all supposed to be about honesty.

 

I wish you strength in your decision making.

[frozensprouts]

secrets like this have a way of poisoning you and turning you into someone you may not like very much...

 

do you really want to be the type of person who can be dishonest and simply ignore it? Do you want to have a marriage built on dishonesty?

 

why did you cheat on your husband so often in the first place? have you addressed this in any form ( e.g.-counseling) yet? Seems that would be a good start.

[kalaslsl]

Things like these scare me off from getting married... 6 times wow!!

[demoness]

The men I cheated with were all one night stands. I don't see or speak to them anymore. It may be an underlying problem. I'm not sure but I think it was a result of my H not giving me affection and I needed it when they were available.

[demoness]

Im not sure why I married my husband and I am not sure if I love him or if Im im love with him. I know I care for him. I did discuss those feelings with the counselor.

 

My husband and I have great sex so I didnt do it for the sex. I think I was looking for someone to get me out of the relationship because I am too scared to leave him on my own. But then I realized after the 6th time of doing it that this is not going to get me out and that I need to leave or we need to fix the situation, hence going to marriage counseling.

[Sauron]

Well if you are going to MC that means you want to at least attempt to fix it, right? So confessing to 1 nighters is stupid in my opinion, then it would never be fixed. See if its fixable and meeting your expectations and then if it is, forget about the one nighters and let them fade into the past and enjoy your life, you only have 1 shot on the planet. We all have secrets that we don't splatter all over the place...good luck to you.

[TaraMaiden]

Im not sure why I married my husband and I am not sure if I love him or if Im im love with him. I know I care for him. I did discuss those feelings with the counselor.

 

My husband and I have great sex so I didnt do it for the sex. I think I was looking for someone to get me out of the relationship because I am too scared to leave him on my own. But then I realized after the 6th time of doing it that this is not going to get me out and that I need to leave or we need to fix the situation, hence going to marriage counseling.

 

If you care for someone, it's not enough - either for him - because you're 'withholding' - or for you - because you're settling.

Your only other option, if being on your own scares you - is to see how receptive your H. would be to 'an open marriage' - but of course, having already cheated behind his back, that's going to be a tricky one to tackle.

 

OP - really - what is it you want?

 

If you want to leave this marriage then there are no short cuts, or alternative steps you can take, as damage limitation; It's going to hurt.

I think you're trying to avoid the pain to either of you, but a pain-free separation/divorce, doesn't exist.

What you have to try to do is to make it as pain-free as possible - rather like using a good sharp scalpel, rather than a blunt Boy Scout's pen-knife.....

 

I take it no children?

[strongnrelaxed]

Things like these scare me off from getting married... 6 times wow!!

 

As well they should.

[strongnrelaxed]

The most golden rule in relationships is that you never EVER admit to an affair - or six as the case may be.

 

What you do is to relieve your own guilt and place that guilt on your partner's shoulders. This will eat at him forever and become a life sentence for both of you.

 

You are good at deception - so keep that going.

 

If you tell him, your marriage will begin to unravel. Do not let anyone tell you different.

 

Didn't your mother teach you this stuff?

[strongnrelaxed]

I am confused..do you want women to lie or not. I honestly do not understand when lying is acceptable to one's spouse. Help me understand your point of view.

 

I do not want women to lie. But that is a silly, childish and fairy tale sort of expectation on my part.

 

Women lie almost instinctively, but men are not allowed to call that out. It will be denied, and the man gets drummed out of town for even mentioning it. Watch the responses to this for proof!

 

So many men just accept this fact of life and talk about how to deal with female lies only when women are not around. This is not something that can be reasoned with or about. It just is.

[CarrieT]

Most likely your husband had a few flings if you did.

This is the stupidest thing I have ever read. Sauron, I have been cheated on several times in various relationships. I have never cheated on anyone. Don't project your situation on to others.

 

OP, please understand this suggestion is coming from a Man who is having a long-term affair with another woman, with no intention of telling his wife. He has been on this site to justify his affair and lies. Take his opinion with a grain of salt, please...

 

So confessing to 1 nighters is stupid in my opinion, then it would never be fixed.

This is the opinion of a known cheater. Not all of us think this way.

 

We all have secrets that we don't splatter all over the place...

No we don't. Many of us are very forward and up right in our lives and don't keep secrets.

[Sauron]

This is the stupidest thing I have ever read. Sauron, I have been cheated on several times in various relationships. I have never cheated on anyone. Don't project your situation on to others.

 

OP, please understand this suggestion is coming from a Man who is having a long-term affair with another woman, with no intention of telling his wife. He has been on this site to justify his affair and lies. Take his opinion with a grain of salt, please...

 

 

This is the opinion of a known cheater. Not all of us think this way.

 

- Hello the OP is a cheater as well, did you read page one or you couldn't wait to blast me?

 

 

No we don't. Many of us are very forward and up right in our lives and don't keep secrets.

 

- This calls doubt on your credibility. Who are the many you are referring too?

 

So venmous... I thought I put a disclaimer somewhere in this thread that I am a MM with a mistress so the reader knows my situation. If missed it my apologies.

 

It is no more stupid to presuppose he hadn't, so you are projecting Carrie. Not to mention that this poster had 6 one night stands but you and the group seem to want to continue judging me, which is fine, although you all seem to detract from the subject at hand. And you obviously don't know my story, I posted in the OW/OM section about my realtionship with my OW, and the mod put it in the infidelity section, which I am glad he did as it rife with horribly bad advice, vindicative judgemental posters and man hating BS. There needs to be an alternative voice of reason in my opinion, glad I can particpate.

[CarrieT]

- This calls doubt on your credibility. Who are the many you are referring too?

I am referring to me - who has had over 300 lovers - and many other posters on this site who have been here several years.

 

So venmous... I thought I put a disclaimer somewhere in this thread that I am a MM with a mistress so the reader knows my situation. If missed it my apologies.

No where in this thread do you explain to the OP your background. And since the very first statement you come to in this thread is to state that if she cheated, he probably did as well is ludicrous and you deserve to be called on it. Venomous? Perhaps - because it is delusional to believe that because you have a cheating background, that all do.

 

And you obviously don't know my story, I posted in the OW/OM section about my realtionship with my OW, and the mod put it in the infidelity section, which I am glad he did as it rife with horribly bad advice, vindicative judgemental posters and man hating BS.

I know your story well. I have weighed in on that thread and asked you several questions which you never bothered to answer.

 

There needs to be an alternative voice of reason in my opinion, glad I can particpate.

That's the just the point. For many of us who have been cheated on, yours is not a voice a reason. It is not reasonable at all to assume that because someone cheats, that everyone cheats.

[MonsterMash]

OP.....here's what you should do. You should tell him. Why? Because ultimately it will crush him, but give him the strength to leave you. You don't love him and are only with him out of habit, or fear of being alone. He needs to find someone who actually does love him and you aren't it. You are living a lie, and he's having to live it too....except he doesn't know it. He was never given the choice.

 

Put him out of his misery so he can get on with his life.