frozensprouts Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 ( starting another thread...forgive me for starting so many:)) a topic of conversation has come up in another thread and I didn't want to thread jack... if you are/were a betrayed spouse with children, a wayward spouse with children or had a parent who cheated, do you think cheating can affect a child, even if a parent tries to keep it from them? As I have stated in another thread, i tried to hide it from mine, but my husband's cheating had a very negative effect on them. I tried to hide how upset I was, but they knew. They also knew something was wrong because up until the point when he finally left, my husband had been very short tempered, irritable, distant, and very, very preoccupied. His moods were also prone to shifting very quickly. It was very troubling to watch...he went from being a really good dad who made his of time for his kids to being one who was angry and seemed to have no time for them. Has anyone else noticed this, or were things different for you in your situation? ( things for us are much better now...he's back to being a really good dad who has lots of time for his kids again:)) 1
Radagast Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 if you are/were a betrayed spouse with children, a wayward spouse with children or had a parent who cheated, do you think cheating can affect a child, even if a parent tries to keep it from them? I think it definitely can affect children. My children had noticed a change in me, and in how I was with them, which they mentioned to me when I told them about my affair. They had wondered what was behind it and what it meant, specifically what it meant for them. They thought I was on drugs because I was a lot happier, spent more time with them, listened to (and liked) their music! So they were quite relieved to find out what it was all about.
Spark1111 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 He was critical, unhappy, complained constantly that no one ever helped him....and just miserable at home most of the time. We definitely felt we weren't good enough for a while, but chalked it up to job stress of a new high-powered position. Our children, teenagers and college-age at the time, also noticed he wasn't home a lot during the week, like he usually had been. He also took to picking fights with me or them, blowing molehills up into mountains, so he could leave in a huff (presumably, when her child was with her xH:rolleyes:) to go be with her for a few ahem....hours. BUT, he and she together, convinced themselves they were the BEST parents as they sat around maligning both me and her big, bad wolf of an xH. Ahhh, the affair script. Needless to say, on dday, my children were devastated by both my pain and his actions and they called him out on it in a very angry, sad, family meeting I was not present at. I know few OW/OM will believe this but I NEVER said a bad word about him or his OW. In fact, I asked their permission to speak with my closest friends and family members about our sitch (they gave it) and encouraged them to do the same if they needed to. When I finally agreed to reconcile, he wrote them a heartfelt letter apologizing for his actions, his treatment of me and of them. He uncategorically told them his actions had nothing to do with me or our marriage. He spoke of his selfishness and has spent evvery day since trying to make it up to us. I worry most about my son, the youngest child who was 16 at the time. I believe he will be the most affected by it in life. I hope not. But, you cannot unring that bell. Why does no one ever think of the children? He and I had worked very hard to give them an idyllic, supportive and nurturing childhood. We were/and are once again, very good parents. What a bubble burst and crash. They did not deserve it.
JamesM Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Wow...I don't have any incidents to add, but as one who has "flirted" with the idea of an affair, this thread is enough to make me realize that the pleasure from an affair is not worth the pain it could cause my children. The truly innocent victims of an affair are the children. Sad that more men and women don't think of that before starting an affair. I can see why an affair might start without any concern for the spouse's feelings, but what about the children? Thank you for this thread. 7
Later82012 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 If they understood what happened, the parent that cheated lost their respect and love for a long long time. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Devastating effects since it split up the family. Here's my thread on it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/349624-having-affair-playing-russian-roulette-your-childrens-wellbeing 2
Furious Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I have two young teenagers. A daughter and a son. There were upset Confused Angry Scared Worried Tearful Distrustful Sad
Crusoe Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 In my ex's case, the affair (and resulting divorce) is the root of all her problems. When she was very young one parent cheated and they divorced. That's all anyone knows for sure. Whoever did the cheating has not only denied it, but accused the other parent of it for the rest of their lives. My ex grew up not knowing who was telling the truth and not knowing which parent was a liar and cheat. The father has never said anything more than he didn't cheat and that the step father was on the scene before the divorce. The mother told my ex her father was a serial cheat and a wife beater. Her mother's sister once said that the mother was the cheat, but the mother then told my ex that her aunt was the affair partner. The step father refused to ever comment. I knew these people very well and I haven't a clue of the truth. Quite frankly, it did your head in even thinking about it. All are well to do, upper middle class and (on the surface) clean living people. Suffice to say, my ex had a very troubled childhood, a terrible fear of abandonment, and grew up to be a compulsive liar and serial cheat. She saw very little wrong with either act.
NordicStripes Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 My dad cheated on my mom numerous times. The first time, I knew it before she did but I was too scared to tell her. Best thing they ever did was get a divorce! My father still is the kind of man that sleeps around, and doesn't seem to care too much about who the woman he's sleeping with actually is (he always goes for the biggest airheads available). Anyway, I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I have never - ever - been able to trust a man completely. I always assume that one day, there will be cheating... I've got a great love-life ahead of me :-p Nice huh.
HappyAtLast Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 It is situations like the above that make me believe more firmly than ever that I did the right thing in not allowing my boys to be burdened by their mother's infidelities. 4
Saba Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 One of my friends in primary school ( I think I would have been about 8?) said her father did not live with her anymore because he found a better family. I asked my mother what it meant but I can't remember what she said. Its sad when I think back on it now.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 My Ex-Bil cheated on my sister, and she divorced him. They had two girls, one a teenager of 17, who was already dating her future husband. The other about 12. The older one, married a couple of years out of high school and almost totally cut her dad out of her life. She has had two kids, one of each, the only time that their grandfather seen them was in church on the day of their christening. His youngest daughter, was forced visitations with her dad, but when she turned 18 she too shut him off. She went on to get herself a college degree, with financial help from her mom, and her working, nothing from her father. Part of the reason she cut him out. Being as she had to work it took longer than normal to get her degree. As for her dating, she was very fussy, in little inconsistency from her boy friend, and he was dumped. She finally married in her later 30's. Her husband being a big Christian told her she had to invite her father to the wedding. At the wedding he had to be introduced to his two grand children where were already in their teens, as this was only their second meeting. Gis grandson, the oldest was about to graduate from High school. His grandfather who was a 4 year letterman in high school, did not know that his grand son had been starting on the football team since his sophomore year. He never got to see his grandson play. That was about 4 years ago, and he has not seen them since. His grandson after graduate, attended a tech school and has since relocated out of state. His oldest daughter and her husband have also relocated out of state. So there is litttle chance that they will be part of his life. He is like me and is retired. Alas due to a cheating wife, I never had kids, and now that I am retired sure miss the grandkids that I will never have. He on the other hand has grandkids and they hardly know him and they will never be a part of their lives, as he has only met them twice. At one time he was my closest friend, and I know how much this is eating him up inside.
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