TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 At getting her to contact me and work on an amicable resolution. I thought you were going NC? I think anything other than that is fairly immature. Outside of some stupidity there was a great relationship between 2 people who were very attracted and in love with one another. I initiated the break up to make her realize her wrongs, but it seems like she has justified it and turned the blame on me. Stay NC and see whether she initiates contact - and if it's breadcrumbs. Will time help this or could this delusion be permanent?! What delusion? Hopefully you'll see you're better off without her! Why do you keep asking senseless questions....? Oh hang on. because the advice we're giving you isn't the advice you were hoping to hear... You want us to tell you to go crawling back, beg forgiveness, try to remedy the situation and implore, plead and entreat her to take you back. Oh, right..... Ok, do that. let us know how it works for you.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Taramaiden...you are so brutally honest and also so right!!! I honestly think that it comes down to the mixed messages when we spoke on the phone...one minute she is saying she wishes we never broke up and that she was crazy about me, then the next she is said she doesn't want to see me again...this went back and forth for about an hour. All I want to do is meet her and try to figure things out but the barrier has been put up. You are right though, NC is the way forward. Which means sadly its unlikely I'll see or hear from her again!
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Either that, or honestly - her Ego will need a boost, and she'll throw you breadcrumbs - because she needs validation. Have you read the guide? it was written by a guy who actually worked in the same building as his ex! She dumped him during a difficult bereavement on his part.... but with the NC he implemented - she nearly went crazy. They didn't get back together, but his implementing NC did wonders for him. I count him as a great buddy, actually - but notwithstanding that - NC really, really works. But you gotta do it.....
Author moveONorStay Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 So by contacting her and talking on the phone I have been feeding her ego?
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Of course - what ex wouldn't feel "heh, I still got it, he just can't stay away from me!" See.. when you capitualte and break NC, all it tells them is that you're weak and desperate. That's why she's blowing hot and cold.... just enough to keep you begging, but not enough to give you hope. neat, huh? Be aware: They don't even know they're doing it. It's not necessarily a conscious determined act on their part. But it makes them feel a lot better than it makes you feel... Remember this: It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 I've read the guide but didn't know the story behind it. Any link to that?
TaraMaiden Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Check out Caliguy's profile. simple. He got dumped by his GF when he still worked with her. I think he was also going through a bereavement at the time.... It scarcely matters - it's a brilliant guide and people who have used it will swear by its efficacy. And I'm not the only member to have it in their signature, either.....
Liz2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 she's still talking to you so she can still manipulate you by acting like she doesn't want you. time to really walk away I think unless you think she will change?
Author moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 I'm not reaching out again...I don't think she'll contact me either.
curiouslyhuman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 You have really hurt this girl, from her responses i can see that. Just make sure you want a relationship with her and really want to make amends for your past mistake. This is no easy task and will put your head on the chopping block. Im not sure "feeling out" the situation would be the best option here because it will only empower her more to gut you silly for what you have put her through. This is good for her in a way, and bad for you. Morally, she should get that because she deserves it. Truthfully and realistically, its obviously not what one would want for oneself. So taking the plunge and flat out asking her if she would consider retrying with you and giving you another chance to redeem yourself or... just moving on with no contact would be the best 2 options in my opinion. If you do try and she "needs time", then go NC and forget her. If she says yes, then try your best to make things right. Lingering around for her is the worst thing i think you could do, because it will get you nowhere fast and keep you there for a long time!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 I think the only thing that is hurt is her pride. She has been unable to say sorry for anything she has done while during our last conversation on the phone I apologized for the things she felt I did wrong. In essence, feeding her ego. I actually would do anything to try to resolve this and I said so during the last call,but she was resistant to this which I thought was a bit immature. We have spoken on the phone every week of the last 3 since the break up but she is saying she won't meet me to talk. Everything is on her terms. I'm not going to be in touch this week and have decided on an initial month of NC to allow me to clear my thoughts.
curiouslyhuman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I think the only thing that is hurt is her pride. She has been unable to say sorry for anything she has done while during our last conversation on the phone I apologized for the things she felt I did wrong. In essence, feeding her ego. I actually would do anything to try to resolve this and I said so during the last call,but she was resistant to this which I thought was a bit immature. We have spoken on the phone every week of the last 3 since the break up but she is saying she won't meet me to talk. Everything is on her terms. I'm not going to be in touch this week and have decided on an initial month of NC to allow me to clear my thoughts. Seems like you have made a wise decision. Just remember to stick too it. NC means NC. Everything would still mostly be on her terms even if you would get back together, but it cant be over the top demeaning to you. Its not immature that she doesnt want to see you, she is still lashing out, which means like you, she doesnt have a clear head and is still hurt. NC is best. tell yourself in the possible future you could perhaps, with a different perspective, see each other in a new light, but not now. Not for awhile.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Morally, she should get that because she deserves it. Truthfully and realistically, its obviously not what one would want for oneself. What did you mean by this??
curiouslyhuman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 What did you mean by this?? what i mean is that if the situation was reversed, and she dumped you then wanted you back, it would be very empowering for you since you could point and say "HA, now you come back eh!". You feel a type of karmic justice which happens to us all. The mature thing is to make up your mind quickly and either move on or, you can stagnate and see how far you get the person to truly feel sorry. So morally, she feels somewhat redeemed because you came back. But its what she will do with this information is what you should be weary of and not let her abuse that to "get revenge". Thats why i said its more efficient for you to lay your cards on the table fast and get out if she wants to make you linger.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Maybe the fact that I've laid my cards on the table put me in a weaker position because now she has all the power! Maybe she is being resistant and elusive because she is actually done and over it? I'm just trying to understand why she'd say the things about not wanting to break up and that it was my decision and then say she never wants to see me ever again. Seems very extreme?
curiouslyhuman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 It is extreme, but thats what happens in a break up. Your feelings are pushed to the limit, she doesnt know what she wants right now and is simply content with the fact that you are repentant on your decision to try again. It is empowering her, but that's theoretically what you want. You want her to feel good as you would in any relationship, but you dont want yourself to feel bad because of it. The most important factor in a relationship is trust, its the foundation of everything two people can build together in a healthy relationship. She right now, doesnt trust you, because you are flaky to her. From a span of a few weeks you have gone from i dont want to be with you to, i love you and miss you. Thats not stable for her because it indicated you can change your mind on a whim. It might be true and you might love her to the core but she doesnt know that fully. Albeit this is your 1st breakup with her, she might think its not your last. I think the decision of NC is good because it will clear your mind and hers for awhile and perhaps in the future u can discuss things from a new perspective. The breakup is still relatively fresh and many mixed emotions usually lead to many bad decisions.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 Interesting points you have made. Really has me thinking. Do you think a month NC is a good idea and see how I feel after that?
curiouslyhuman Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Interesting points you have made. Really has me thinking. Do you think a month NC is a good idea and see how I feel after that? Absolutely. Good luck!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 my ex has been in my thoughts all day and I nearly contacted her. Just thought I'd post here instead!!
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Good - you have to keep this up... and don't forget: Contact from her is an even bigger No-No!!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Don't think that'll happen anyway!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Part of me wants to drive over to her house and have a conversation with her. I haven't set eyes on her since I broke up with her 4 weeks ago...the regret started only a couple of days later. Since then a few phone calls I'm which she's said she doesn't want to see me...seems like she is sticking to her guns and all I want to do is make things right! Caring about someone and wanting things to work out, but met with resistance, sucks!
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 You're not being met with resistance. you're being met with refusal. And the sooner you get that through your head, the better.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 she didn't respond and then a week later she called me saying that it was me who made the decision to break up and that I need to live with it...she also said that she never wanted to see or hear from me ever again and that she wouldn't respond to any further calls or texts. she cursed me out and started to blame me for the things that went wrong in the relationship. she is done...I told her that the positives of the relationship were so great, she agreed, then I told her that the things that weren't working could be fixed, however she didn't respond to that. She then said she thinks that I should be single for a while to figure out what I actually want and that there will be women out there who can make me happier than she did...I told her that I didn't want to move on without first trying to work things out with her, I offered to meet her for a coffee and a chat and she kept asking "why?" and then again said she didn't want to see me THis - isn't 'resistance'. This - is REFUSAL.
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