moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I broke up with my ex gf 3 weeks ago after putting up with controlling and manipulative behavior. Since then I've regretted the decision and instead of being able to see the reasons that I broke up with her and move on, I've only been able to focus on the positives of the relationship and it's led me to want her back. After breaking up, I sent her a couple of texts with no response, just saying that I was sorry and that I care about her...she didn't respond and then a week later she called me saying that it was me who made the decision to break up and that I need to live with it...she also said that she never wanted to see or hear from me ever again and that she wouldn't respond to any further calls or texts. Another week passed and we spoke on the phone again, this time she cursed me out and started to blame me for the things that went wrong in the relationship. After this I felt that my decision was justified as the things she was bringing up were quite silly and fairly inconsequential. However, I did see the fact that she was getting upset and actually called me as a sign that she still does care. Especially since in the previous call she said she no longer wanted any form of contact. But, last night I caved in, after another full week of NC, I called her. She picked up the phone fairly quickly, her tone of was completely different from the previous call. We talked for over an hour. She told me that during the relationship that she was absolutely crazy about me and that she really didn't want to break up but since I decided to break up with her, she is done...I told her that the positives of the relationship were so great, she agreed, then I told her that the things that weren't working could be fixed, however she didn't respond to that. She then said she thinks that I should be single for a while to figure out what I actually want and that there will be women out there who can make me happier than she did...I told her that I didn't want to move on without first trying to work things out with her, I offered to meet her for a coffee and a chat and she kept asking "why?" and then again said she didn't want to see me. The conversation ended because she had an appointment, but it lasted over an hour, which seems extensive for someone who said only 2 weeks ago that they never want to talk again. My questions are... 1. Why is she still talking to me since 2 weeks ago she said she didn't want to see or speak to me again? 2. Why is she telling me things like "she was crazy about me"? if she is completely over it? 3. Each conversation we've had on the phone has been longer than the previous. Does that mean she thinks there is something to talk about or is she just happy to play the game? I do realize that I broke up with her and I do regret it. But now that I have shown my cards and said I'd like to work things out, I've given all control and power of the situation to her! Any advice on what to do next would be appreciated! Should I try to talk to her again or just go NC? I would like to try to work things out, but how can I do that from this position?
TopCat22 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 She sounds like she's very hurt. When you broke up with her that was a massive blow to her. You crushed her heart, you can see why she would be upset. You're probably going to have to do some serious damage control here. She may want to get you back, but she'll make you go through the wringer and walk on broken glass to do it. I'd try LC and see if that anger and hurt start to fade. You're on a tough journey though... 1
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I broke up with my ex gf 3 weeks ago after putting up with controlling and manipulative behavior. ...... My questions are... 1. Why is she still talking to me since 2 weeks ago she said she didn't want to see or speak to me again? controlling and manipulative behavior. 2. Why is she telling me things like "she was crazy about me"? if she is completely over it? controlling and manipulative behavior. 3. Each conversation we've had on the phone has been longer than the previous. Does that mean she thinks there is something to talk about or is she just happy to play the game? controlling and manipulative behavior. I do realize that I broke up with her and I do regret it. But now that I have shown my cards and said I'd like to work things out, I've given all control and power of the situation to her! controlling and manipulative behavior. Any advice on what to do next would be appreciated! Should I try to talk to her again or just go NC? I would like to try to work things out, but how can I do that from this position? Don't think why you believe it would work this time. look at why it didn't work last time.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 She sounds like she's very hurt. When you broke up with her that was a massive blow to her. You crushed her heart, you can see why she would be upset. Do you think this is mainly to her ego/pride? This girl is very attractive and has no shortage of admirers...however, during our conversation last night she said that she didn't think she would be able to get with anyone for a long time, despite claiming to be done and over our relationship...another confusing comment!
TopCat22 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 You never know what people are thinking. They say one thing and do another. She might be in utter turmoil inside but outwardly is projecting this facade of being OK. She's got her guard up now, so you need to give her some time and space to let those hurt feelings subside. Maybe LC is the way to go and see if in a few weeks/a month she might feel differently?
Author moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I think you are right, I can't really tell what she is thinking right now...instinct is saying it's partly a facade and that she is trying to be strong and make me beg...the other part is telling me that she is enjoying the game of being chased and wants to try to make me feel miserable for dumping her. Since the call last night ended abruptly with her having to go to an appointment, would you call her again today to finish the conversation? (must admit, at the end it was going round in circles) or would you now leave it LC for a few weeks from now?
TopCat22 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I don't think calling back will make a difference. I'd keep LC for a little bit and see how she reacts. It's on you to make amends if you want her back, but avoid begging and crawling. Her emotions are all over the place at the moment, so give her some time and space to settle down, but don't totally neglect her. It's a fine line...
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I'd make it NC for good. The words flogging, horse and dead spring to mind. What exactly are you trying to resuscitate, here - and why?
Author moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks for the advice!!! Both of you are like to devil and the angel sitting on each shoulder. One saying forget it, the other saying try to work it out. I suppose in hindsight I do still love her and think I should have given it more of a shot but I did what I did... Interestingly, I've been asked out on 2 dates since the break up...I'm going to go on both even though I don't have anywhere close to the same attraction to either girl as I do for my ex...never know, with a mixture of LC/NC, meeting new people and continuing to work on and have time to myself, maybe I'll see things a bit clearer...having only broken up 3 weeks ago, it's still pretty fresh.
flitzanu Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 she called me saying that it was me who made the decision to break up and that I need to live with it...she also said that she never wanted to see or hear from me ever again and that she wouldn't respond to any further calls or texts. Another week passed and we spoke on the phone again, this time she cursed me out and started to blame me for the things that went wrong in the relationship. since I decided to break up with her, she is done I told her that the things that weren't working could be fixed, however she didn't respond to that. then again said she didn't want to see me. you're reading into EVERYTHING. problem is, you're not reading into the parts that are extremely clear and obvious, so i bolded them for you.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Of course I'm reading into everything, I would say I'm fairly analytical!! The title of the thread should explain that there are mixed messages and you bolded one side of that...if she didn't want to talk, she wouldn't call or pick up...If she is completely done, why would she mention the good things or say she was crazy about me? All mixed messages. I'm just trying to decide how to process all of this and seeking opinions from people who may have had similar experiences in the past.
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Hyper-analysis causes paralysis. Read the NC guide in my signature. You need to gain a clearer picture of your motive for keeping low. NC isn't to get her back, but in order to draw a definitive yes or no from her - you have to give her space to decide precisely what she wants. In the meantime, fall off her radar and go about your daily business as if this were over, over for good, and irretrievable.
flitzanu Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Of course I'm reading into everything, I would say I'm fairly analytical!! The title of the thread should explain that there are mixed messages and you bolded one side of that...if she didn't want to talk, she wouldn't call or pick up...If she is completely done, why would she mention the good things or say she was crazy about me? All mixed messages. I'm just trying to decide how to process all of this and seeking opinions from people who may have had similar experiences in the past. yup. so am i. that's an intense problem for dealing with a breakup. actions are - she's not with you. words are - she's said some "nice" things but also keeps telling you that she doesn't want to see you and doesn't want to talk to you, and DID NOT accept you saying everything "could be fixed". actions are - she's not making ANY attempt to be with you. focusing on the what-ifs is going to hang you up, so focus on the what-is right now or you're going to drive yourself insane. or, just ask. quit presuming what she thinks and just flat out ask "why" to each of your questions you listed.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Hyper-analysis causes paralysis. Read the NC guide in my signature. You need to gain a clearer picture of your motive for keeping low. NC isn't to get her back, but in order to draw a definitive yes or no from her - you have to give her space to decide precisely what she wants. In the meantime, fall off her radar and go about your daily business as if this were over, over for good, and irretrievable. So you are saying NC will draw a decision? As in, if I never hear from her again, decision is finished...hear from her, she wants to talk?
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 The former, yes. The latter, it depends what she says. It's in the guide. Read it. There's a difference between 'hear from her' constructive and 'hear from her' destructive.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 The former, yes. The latter, it depends what she says. It's in the guide. Read it. There's a difference between 'hear from her' constructive and 'hear from her' destructive. Well, since the conversation of 2 nights ago was cut off, I sent a text last night and got no response. I really do feel that it's now become a game. Talk when she wants to, ignore when she wants to. I find it really immature. Going no contact now as there is really no point in wasting time, effort and feelings on someone who cannot show me respect.
jackiki Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 First you dumped her...therefore if she requires time to clearly think things through , you should respect that. She respected your decision, respect hers. She asnwers you because as a dumpee you always seek clarifications, you need to let things out, even if the purpose is futile...Go around the website and check how many dumpees are tempted to break NC (and actually do it)....so do not read too much into it... Second you said she is manipulative (and that was the reason you dumped her) and in your last post you said (she is playing games==manipulative)...this is a stark reminder.... anyways, go NC and I bet she will contact you at some point...if you chose to be the dumper, then start acting like one...and as soon as she realizes that you are long gone...she will try every method to bring you back (that is, if she is really controlling....) all in all it seems to me you have no idea why you left herin the first place, so NC can help you out clarify things too....
Author moveONorStay Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) My reasons for dumping were definitely justified...she sent an email to a potential business partner from my phone saying that I didnt want to do business with her. (I had slept with this Business partner woman once, before the relationship with my now ex) she then signed the email as being from me. The woman who received the email is also a good friend, but no threat at all to the ex (ex only found out I had slept with this woman because she went through my emails and read a remark from my friend saying that we can't sleep together if we became business partners) It was very embarrassing to me that my friend received this email and she saw through it that it was actually my gf who sent it. Thing is, I can now see that my ex probably felt threatened by this even though I made it clear to my friend that I was in a committed relationship. My friend wasn't making any kind of approach, only making a joke about a previous fling. I think it was unacceptable of my ex to send the email...but I don't think it was unforgivable and that's why I want to try to reconcile. However, since the split, and probably in an attempt to justify her behavior and protect her pride, she has turned everything on me, saying everything is my fault and that she did nothing wrong...it's like she has tried to twist it from being the dumper to the dumper!! It's a real shame...it was the incident that was the final straw as there had been a few other instances of controlling and manipulative behavior...normally resulting in her not talking to me if she didn't get her way. I suppose I'm very sad that I shared myself completely with this person, was committed, loyal, loving and giving...yet she continued to sabotage the relationship...i really think there was so much potential and I wanted...in fact I still want to see if it can work. Unfortunately it looks like I don't have any bearing on that decision now since everything seems to only be on her terms. Edited October 5, 2012 by moveONorStay
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 And you still want her back - ?!? Words fail me.....
Author moveONorStay Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 And you still want her back - ?!? Words fail me..... Hahaha...why?! People make mistakes! Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment!
Simon Phoenix Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Hahaha...why?! People make mistakes! Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment! That's not a mistake. That's just bad. A mistake is forgetting flowers on an anniversary. Or not folding the laundry.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 So the general consensus is that I made the right decision and dodged a bullet? It's so frustrating, I still have feelings for her and am very attracted to her!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Any other thoughts on this? What can you do when you feel like its been twisted around and you feel like the dumpee when I was actually the dumper? Seems like she has used the hurt of being dumped to try to make me the villain. I have a strong urge to reconcile but feel like I have no control...do you think NC will work better than LC?
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 ....do you think NC will work better than LC? Work better at what....?
Author moveONorStay Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 At getting her to contact me and work on an amicable resolution. I think anything other than that is fairly immature. Outside of some stupidity there was a great relationship between 2 people who were very attracted and in love with one another. I initiated the break up to make her realize her wrongs, but it seems like she has justified it and turned the blame on me. Will time help this or could this delusion be permanent?!
Recommended Posts