I think my wife may be unfaithful, I'm not sure, but it's really hurting me.

[kc76239]

Hi, I'm new here, and I'm looking for help and advice. I've never posted a question like this before, but I feel I cant tell anyone who is close to me, for fear that they will dislike my wife....I'm 25 years old and I'm married to a 29 year old woman. We dated for four great years and have been married for another. About a two months before we were married I contracted gonnareah (not sure of spelling)... She is the only woman I have ever been with, yet she denied for about a week any infidelity. She told me that it could have been dormant in her from a previous lover years ago. My doctor told me simply there was no way this could be true, so I confronted her, told her I loved her, but I was seriously doubting her fidelity. She broke down and told me she went out with her friends and got really drunk, and she wound up going home with someone, she remebers his name, but not much more. I was devastated, I love my wife, with my heart and soul. I forgave her, it's been a long tough road for me, but we went on with our wedding, and have been married for a year w/ no complaints.

 

She is an ex-smoker, and about 2 weeks ago I found a recepit for cigaretts in her car. I went through her purse and found a pack. I confronted her, and told her what I did, and that I was worried that she started smoking again. Again, telling her again that I love her, and I am worried about her well being. She told me she has an occasional smoke with her girlfriend to relive stress, her job is stressfull, and I thought that if thats what she feels she must do to help her get through the day, that it's fine.... I told her that I just want to be part of what's going in her life, and that I dont want her smoke full time, becasue I care about her..... She was very upset that I went though her purse though...

 

She wanted to show me something that was in her purse last night, but she wouldn't let me go get her purse for her. It seems as if she is hiding it from me, so late last night I got out of bed, and I went thorugh her purse again. I didn't find anything unsual, except for three condoms in her wallet (two different brands as well)... We havent used them in a few years, and I know that the few we had left went in the garbage...

 

She has a foster sister, who is becoming sexually active, It is possible that she bought them for her, but why would she buy two different types?

 

So, if I tell her now that I rummaged through her purse, and she is innocent, I will be the bad guy. If I dont ask her why she has them, it will kill me.... I don't think she would tell the truth if she was cheating on me, at least not at first.

 

I don't see anything else abnormal in her behavior, she is home with me every night, she remains as affectionate with me as she always has been. Our sex life in as normal as can be. She goes to a friends house more often than she used to, and that is the only possibility I can think of, is that she is not really going there, but even then, she is only gone for an hour or two at the most, maybe 2-3 times a week.

 

Do I give her the benfit of the doubt....I love her and I want to, but my heart is aching. I've never felt like I've had 100% trust in her again after the first incident, I dont think I ever will...

 

Am I over-reacting, Am I crazy? Am I in denial? I'm not sure, but I know I'm hurting, but hopefully for no reason.

 

Thank You for your time and Advice

[Firegirl04]

RED FLAGS are going up everywhere. She is carrying around condoms in her purse, which she is hiding from you. HMM... if she bought them for her foster sister, wouldn't she have given them to her already?! It sounds like to me she is cheating... yes everything else is normal. (Mine was too.... my b/f of two years was seeing me all the time. When I would leave to either go home or go to work... he went to the other girls apt.) Its up to you... but I would confront her with it. You DESERVE to know the truth. You DESERVE better.

[Vie]

I think that you should have a serious conversation with your wife and see how it goes. No, you are not over-reacting nor crazy, you're just a guy who's very much in love with his wife, so all these restlessness and worries are perfectly normal. The problem is though, you need to build the trust between you two. If you can't do that, then your marriage should be questioned. It won't work to build up curiosity and suspense all the time. That's not how relationship should be.

 

 

You sound like a nice guy. I must agree with Firegirl.. you deserve better.

[Leikela]

Wow, that's a hard one. I would definitely investigate the situation more before confronting her. Is there a way you could find out where she's going these 2-3 times a week? If you're having an affair, 2-3 hours is all you need, even less in some cases.

 

I am sorry you are going through this pain.

[supermom]

I would start calling her friend once she is supposed to be there..to make up an excuse to call and you will see if she is indeed there or not.

 

Sounds fishy to me too. The condoms are the biggest red flag. You wouldn't of gone through her purse if you didn't have a reason to - which is something you will have to work out with her on, but you did have a valid reason for it.

 

Or - act like you already "know". Tell her you do - you just want to hear it from her mouth that's all. Make her confess.

 

It is a hard situation - but it's better to know right away so you two can either fix your marriage or leave it.

 

Good luck and keep us posted

[kc76239]

I confronter her, I brought her lunch today, and we talked about it. She stated that we bought them a year ago, after I had the gonnorreah, we were worried about HIV, since she had unprotected sex. We had to wait a few weeks for the results, and after the results came back negative, we had patched our wounds up enough to make love again, however the doctor said we should wait another 4 months and have her retested, so we used condoms during that time. I had totally forgot about that.

 

They were the ones we never used, She said she found them as she cleaing out our nightstand, and put them in her purse becasue she was babysitting. I remeber seeing her cleaning up the bedroom that day when her girlfriends daugther was at our house. She was going to throw them away, but she had forgotten about them.

 

Come to think of it, I remeber buying different kinds to try them out.

 

I'm such a jerk, I feel terrible, I'm sitting here at work and my eyes are watering. I told her once that once we got past her mistake that she made, that we would never speak of the issue again. I just brought it all back up.

 

I do love her with all my heart and soul, so much that I though I might fall for any reason she gave for having them in her purse, but she exonerated herself completely to me.

 

I had a little sister once, she died in a car accident. It was very hard on me, but that time my wife cheated on me was worse. My sister has been gone for 5 years now, and the pain is still in my heart, I belive it always will be. It has been a year since her mistake, and I still hold a lot of my pain inside. It must be why I was so suspicious of her.

 

I'm sorry if I have been long winded, I've never told anyone these things before, and now I'm posting them on the internet for the world to see. I feel relived that I was able to talk to somepeople about it, and I very relieved that I belive I have a sincere answer from her.

 

Thank You, you have been kind

[SoleMate]

kc, I am so glad LS was able to help! And I am glad that things are going more smoothly.

 

In the interests of improving what you already have, may I suggest you try http://www.marriagebuilders.com? It has great, practical advice on how both of you can better meet each other's emotional needs. Meeting your partner's most important emotional needs, and she yours, is the essence of enduring love. Some people also refer to this as "affair proofing".

[TempSain]

All sign point to -----> CHEATING

 

Next time she goes out, let her and follow her.

I know its kinda sneaky but I bet she will go to the guys place.

Also, your wife maybe cheating at work/work related person.

 

Best of luck to you.