CheezDoodle Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Over-dramqtic title ftw? Anyway... Let's say we have two college students. They should have been dating a year ago, but the guy was insecure, went hot&cold on her, and it fell through. In fact, a few months after it went through, he tried to see if anything was there and handed his first rejection. A very sweet and kind rejection, but a heartbreaking one nevertheless. Fast forward 7 months or so. Within those 7 months, those 2 went through an awkward phase, then a friendly phase, and then it was obvious feelings were back on both sides. But this happened right before summer, so th guy didn't do anything about it, and put it off till the fall. Over the summer, they did not talk. He texted her and they had a convo for a day, and facebookmessaged her another day but that was short. She never initiated. Back at school (dorming college, out of state for both of us), things are weird. The first few days it's like we're just friends and nothing ever happened. The guy, doesn't understand where he stands with her, and all of a sudden starts getting nervous around her. He can't have a good conversation with her anymore, can't look at her (used to glance/stare at her all the time), from her POV, he was probably ignoring her or didn't want to be around her. Another week goes by, and he starts to realize small things that signal her feelings may be there still but she feels just as awkward about it as him, and his behavior isn't helping the matter. He (stupidly) continues for another 2 weeks (though he tries to stop, by trying to give her attention, he still can't speak freely and have a decent convo with her anymore due to nerves or whatever). Now it's gotten to the point where she doesn't smile when she sees him anymore. She saves him seats by her, and still looks at him often, and looks for him if he doesn't sit with her in lecture, but its obvious things aren't the same. The guy despite popular belief, isn't a fool. He realizes regardless if his tongue ties up, he needs to make an effort before she gives up completely and for good this time. The past few days he does his best at small talk in lecture. Teases her, makers her laugh/smile, but it's not enough. When he looks at her, she pretends she doesn't see him out of the corner of her eye (not like she wasn't already watching) and she looks so upset. She gives me a small smile while still not directly looking at me, then back to sad, small smile, sad, until he looks away. He's lost now. Doesn't know what to do. He wants to tell her how he feels, but he's not sure if she'll take him seriously with how he's been acting. And this is all barring the fact that it's possible the signs don't mean what he thinks, and she has already moved on or found someone else to target her affection and just feels bad/guilty for him or something. This is a guy who finds it hard to open up to people, probably because of the way he was raised. Basically growing up needing a tough skin to stay sane in your own home doesn't make it easy to see the soft side of people and makes it hard to understand why people so easily give up their heart to you when you've held yours under lock and key for your whole life because people (mainly your parents) kept letting you down. Yeah this guy is me. I just felt like telling a story.
Balzac Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Never made an invite for coffee, lunch or invite to a movie? Have you never dated? Your greatest fear about asking her on a date?
ascendotum Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Never made an invite for coffee, lunch or invite to a movie? Have you never dated? Your greatest fear about asking her on a date? ^ It certainly seems that way. Well it seems you have recognised the situation for the way it is now and your past behaviour and acknowledged your own feelings for this girl. Given, you said... * went hot&cold on her * handed his first rejection * things are weird * He can't have a good conversation with her anymore, can't look at her, from her POV, he was probably ignoring her or didn't want to be around her. * gotten to the point where she doesn't smile when she sees him anymore. and 7 months have passed by.... Seriously from what you wrote above, the vast majority of girls with options would have long moved on from you. You are lucky this girl is still on the scene and single (actually how about you find out and ask her in a convo about her social life). The window of opportunity on many sweet, shy, pretty, girls is not that big, were you can play it very casual while you are waiting for her to ramp up the heat with very obvious flirting so you know for sure she wants you and you there is no risk of rejection. Doesn't know what to do. He wants to tell her how he feels, but he's not sure if she'll take him seriously with how he's been acting. Correct. The damage is likely already done, you have rejected her, no two ways about it. If you continue on the way you are then things stay the same, and really what you have got here with her....nothing, so what are you risking? I don't think it will be as simple as just asking her out and her ignoring the past 7 mths. Personally I think you need to fess up to your insecurity with her. Normally not a good thing to do, but if she's been single 7 mths and still has feelings for you, then she could easily be understanding.
Author CheezDoodle Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Never made an invite for coffee, lunch or invite to a movie? Have you never dated? Your greatest fear about asking her on a date? We've never dated. I've asked her to lunch twice. The first time was when I told her how I felt at the beginning of it all, and I took her lack of saying how she felt about me directly as a subtle rejection when apparently I was supposed to infer it. So I was confused, went hot and cold...yeah. Second time was when I just had to know if there was anything left, and she rejected me. It's sad really. I think she got over me to preserve her own happiness at the time, rather than actually disliking me as a person. Tell her I'm insecure? I could barely tell her how I felt the first time. I had my lunch (a sandwich) in my hands as I depressed myself and when I was done, I looked down and saw my sandwich rolled in a ball and beaten to a pulp and my nervous hands destroyed it. I think I may have not been clear. As of May, right before summer break, we were clicking on all cylinders. Had I asked her out then, I was sure of a yes from her, but I held back because I didn't want to start a relationship when I wouldn't see her for 3 months in person. (nothing sexual, just I would just like her presence) The awkwardness only began when we come back after not talking for 3 months, and the not smiling when she sees me has only begun this week. Last week I at least got sad smiles. Whatever that needs to be said needs to be simple so I don't eff it up. She's pretty amazing. I feel like I can open up to her about anything and she genuinely cares, but when there is a chance of rejection (again) after basically being given my 2nd chance right before summer and I put it off....I'm scared.. All I know, is that whatever I do, it needs to be obvious (whether I tell her in some way, or do it through actions) that I'm serious and don't want her to be upset over me. I just don't know the course of action to take. Her feelings are still there, whether she's fighting them or not, I'm sure of it.
Balzac Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 OK that all helps tremendously. So you see her in one class that meets how many days? Also, the act of asking her to do something implies you have an interest in her. I'd suggest to you that getting into a fit of anxiety about declaring "your feelings" is too much too soon. More than you need to sweat out right now. Let's see what other folks here suggest to you.
Author CheezDoodle Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I have plenty of classes with her. 3 classes MWF, and a hour and a half long class on tuesdays and thursdays. On top of that, it is possible we have lunch together on tuesdays or thursdays before that class depending on if her best friend wants to eat with her (which she usually does), otherwise she comes where I am. Though we only have had lunch together once this month so far, and I was having a hard time talking to her (we both initiated conversation but it dropped dead) so we just did our work together in silence for the most part. Ehhh... Not quite sure what to do. My friend said I should just ask her to dinner...I even have that text saved I was going to send, just..not quite sure why I'm holding back. Dinner seems so formal though I know it actually wouldn't be...
ascendotum Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 .I even have that text saved I was going to send, just... Don't txt! You see her in person 3 days a week, you have to ask her in person...you have known her 7 months. Also given your history with this girl, I think dinner is too formal. Invite her to do something fun & casual to warm things up with her..like go bowling or go to a local live music venue. imo anyway.
Author CheezDoodle Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 .I even have that text saved I was going to send, just... Don't txt! You see her in person 3 days a week, you have to ask her in person...you have known her 7 months. Also given your history with this girl, I think dinner is too formal. Invite her to do something fun & casual to warm things up with her..like go bowling or go to a local live music venue. imo anyway. I see her everyday in class, just have more classes with her MWF. She just came over to do homework with my roommate and I and t was basically just him and her talking and laughing and I shut down again and made small comments. As time went on, I eased in and I was able to act natural enough. As soon as she leaves though, I don't understand why I couldn't be completely natural around her. She was perfectly natural around my roommate and I. I'm worried this will turn out just like a year ago. Went hot&cold on her, and just starting letting nerves and confusion get the best of me and stopped being myself around her. And it made it so easy for her to move on if you do't show her the qualities that she may have liked in the first place... I'm improving....not fast enough. Not quite sure why my nerves are acting up when just right before summer, we were carefree with each other and I could've (should've) had her as mine right then and there.
bac Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Over-dramqtic title ftw? Anyway... This is a guy who finds it hard to open up to people, probably because of the way he was raised. Basically growing up needing a tough skin to stay sane in your own home doesn't make it easy to see the soft side of people and makes it hard to understand why people so easily give up their heart to you when you've held yours under lock and key for your whole life because people (mainly your parents) kept letting you down. I was reading the story and it was torturing me as well:lmao: A man should take all the initiative and be capable to handle rejections well. Most of men's efforts are rejected and a man has two options either to accept the reality or to suffer endlessly. If you are afraid to do what a man has to do, who would do it for you? 1
Author CheezDoodle Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Over-dramqtic title ftw? Anyway... This is a guy who finds it hard to open up to people, probably because of the way he was raised. Basically growing up needing a tough skin to stay sane in your own home doesn't make it easy to see the soft side of people and makes it hard to understand why people so easily give up their heart to you when you've held yours under lock and key for your whole life because people (mainly your parents) kept letting you down. I was reading the story and it was torturing me as well:lmao: A man should take all the initiative and be capable to handle rejections well. Most of men's efforts are rejected and a man has two options either to accept the reality or to suffer endlessly. If you are afraid to do what a man has to do, who would do it for you? And a woman shouldn't? It is perfectly acceptable for a women be constantly upset because the object of their affection hasn't made a move on them. They either wait for forever and give up or it finally happens, or they just move on when they get frustrated enough. Take the initiative? No. Mostly it's the older woman, who feel like they are running out of time or are frustrated with being single at their stage in their life do they go out and take the initiative because in a sense, they've become that desperate. It's a generality, I'm not saying it applies perfectly. Woman want to be treated as selective equals at times. If you ask a guy out, it doesn't mean chivalry is dead, it just means a woman actually wants to take charge in her love life instead of hiding behind old ways of thinking. Heck, might as well let your father approve of him before dating if we want to keep a traditional dating mindset as society evolves in every other aspect around us. Somewhat OT: So a girl can reject me, gain feelings for me 2-3 months later, and the course of action she should take is send me signals through small things she does hoping I still care enough to open myself up to second rejection? OT: This girl was never totally open with her feelings ever since I went hot&cold on her (she was as obvious as a middle schooler gushing over their crush). Only way I finally knew for sure after I was only kind of sure for months after her feelings were back was when I backed up a bit after we kept catching each other's eye in a room the day before and the next day I distanced myself a bit and she looked like the world had ended. Right now? Back in that I'm not sure part. I feel like she either likes me and wants me and wants to date already, OR I'm about to be friendzoned out of frustration or the feelings are dying down after all this time. How I feel about her? My feelings are still there. Not bouncing around like they had been before the summer, but I know they are all there. Just under a lot of frustration and confusion that numbs them a bit. If I felt like lying to myself, I could say I only liked her as a friend and possibly get away with it if she let me be, but I would always know I was lying to myself and that's a hollow cry of defeat in itself...
InJest Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I think the guy should grow a pair balls and ask the girl out if he wants to date her. No one likes rejection, but you have to face the possibility to get what you want. Otherwise he should leave her alone and move on.
Author CheezDoodle Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Let's not get off topic please. I just need to find a way to show her she IS special to me. I don't want to overdo it, or do something formal like dinner. We're college kids....money for fun doesn't come easily with my school's tuition bill... I want her to know I'm sincere. That she is special in my eyes. Regardless of how I've been acting over the last month, I want her to know the truth. Things have warmed up between us, but enough time has been wasted. I want to put my foot to the gas pedal and keep it there. And when I said I was possibly friend-zoned (though I don't believe in it), I didn't actually mean it. I just mean that....idk. I feel like I should be happy by the amount we clicked today but there were times when she just closed off one me, reopened, and closed off. When I saw her the second half of the day, it was like I meant a totally different person than the giddy girl a few hours earlier in the morning. She was either pmsing (which I don't really think is the case, though it's possible? idk) or.....somethings up.
Divasu Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 A strong bit of advice... You are in no shape to be in a relationship. Reading your posts, you sound very confused and confusion only breeds more confusion. Leave her alone.
bac Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Let's not get off topic please. I just need to find a way to show her she IS special to me. I don't want to overdo it, or do something formal like dinner. We're college kids....money for fun doesn't come easily with my school's tuition bill... I want her to know I'm sincere. That she is special in my eyes. Regardless of how I've been acting over the last month, I want her to know the truth. Things have warmed up between us, but enough time has been wasted. I want to put my foot to the gas pedal and keep it there. And when I said I was possibly friend-zoned (though I don't believe in it), I didn't actually mean it. I just mean that....idk. I feel like I should be happy by the amount we clicked today but there were times when she just closed off one me, reopened, and closed off. When I saw her the second half of the day, it was like I meant a totally different person than the giddy girl a few hours earlier in the morning. She was either pmsing (which I don't really think is the case, though it's possible? idk) or.....somethings up. You can let her know about your feelings in an email or in a few emails. The best way is to start your self-expression slowly and match it with her responses. Also, you have to choose either you are always opened or you are closed off. In other words, you have to be opened all the time untill you are totally rejected by her. IMO There is about 5-10% probability that she accepts you. In general, attractive college girls reject about 95% of guys who try to pick them up.
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