jrust Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Hello All, Dating just threw me a monster surprise a few days ago. A girl-friend of my best friend confided in me the fact that she is falling in love with me. I am also falling in love with her! We have known each other for a couple of months, and I must admit that she is perfect for me. Her statement did come as quite a shock considering the fact that she is currently married (a 2 year high-school sweetheart marriage)!!! Although their marriage has been on the rocks for quite some time now, and her husband is mentally abusive. I have never in my life found someone that made me feel as special and loved as she does, and she feels the same about me. Both our personality types truely feed on each other, and it provides an environment of complete bliss and takes us to new emotional highs. Neither of us has ever been happier in our entire lives! I would give up the world for her, and seeing her mistreated drives me to tears. We had an absolutely amazing story book day together yesterday! We shared a walk along the beach. We embraced each other tightly and watched the sunset. Shared our first kiss. We laid in bed for three hours simply cuddling while I rubbed her back and shoulders. After several hours of complete bliss our physical and emotional attraction to each other brought us to the decision to make love. Everything was perfect until we found ourselves unclothed and uncomfortable. Neither of us could get past the moral issues of cheating or my sleeping with a married woman. That created a few hours of discomfort and we both took a few steps back from our emotional bond. We both felt guilty for not providing to the other, and spent the next few hours apologizing and cuddling each other as a way of saying "it's allright sweetheart... it's simply not time". Up until that point everything including kissing felt so absolutely perfect together, but neither of us could take it further even though physically we both wanted to share ourselves with each other. I'm caught up in the middle of a moral dilema, and I think the only course of action I can live with is to wait until she gets divorced or hope their relationship takes a turn for the better. She's the sweetest person in the world, and I only hope for her happiness. I am desperately trying to avoid causing problems, as I absolutely don't want her to resent me down the road! She knows how I feel about her, so I'm thinking the best course of action for me is to sit back and let her comtemplate what she wants in life. It's somewhat of a gut wrenching ordeal for me to go through, and I never would have imagined myself in this position. It terribly odd! Am I thinking appropriately, or am I being irrational? Sometimes love blindsides us and I desperately seek the advice of all you out there.
HokeyReligions Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 As far as I'm concerned, you have already cheated with her. Tell her to get a divorce before you see her again. You've only known each other a couple of months. I doubt if its love. When her husband dumps her for cheating and you start seeing each other legitimately, the dynamic of the relationship will change and it won't be all bliss. If she loved you, she would have left him.
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 I think you're right in thinking that you should just sit back and let her sort out her own life right now. She needs to make the decision as to whether or not she wants to end her marriage and try something with you or if she wants to work on her marriage. You can't make the decision for her. Your best course of action, in my opinion, would be to continue to be her friend but do not allow anything more intimate to occur between the two of you. If her husband is mentally abusive she needs someone she can trust to talk to and I personally feel that it would behoove her more to have you there as her friend Regardless of whether or not she loves you she has a big decision to make. She needs to make the decision for herself because she wants a better life and not because you're there to catch her when she walks out of her marriage. Be her friend for now. Regardless of what she decides.
Tweetie Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 You are definitely thinking rationally! The best course is to sit back and wait for her to get divorced, if she decides that what she wants to do. If the marriage is on the rocks and she sees the husband as mentally abusive, then she should either leave him or work on improving that relationship. She shouldn't spend her time romancing you while she is still married to him, and you shouldn't settle for that. Tell her that the only course of action you can live with is to wait until she is divorced, if that is the case. It will show her that you are a very stand-up kind of guy who believes in fidelity and will likely be true to her if you should get together in the future. Would you expect your wife to be faithful to you? How about if you were having problems? Now, I'm not saying once a cheater always a cheater because I don't believe that is necessarily true. But I do think it's a warning sign that this might happen to you at a later date, should you find yourself married to this woman and having problems. So, if you are a faithful guy looking for a relationship with a faithful woman, I would cut this romance off right now, say your bye-byes and do not contact her or see her at all until she can at least tell you she has moved out and is living on her own. If you want to see what it's like to be the other man, just read the posts on this forum. It's not a very happy place to be.
Author jrust Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 Hi Tweetie, Nearly everything you said is what I've been thinking about. I do expect my wife to be completely faithful, but I also see a huge difference between me and her current husband. I care about her feelings, and of course would do anything I could to make her happy. She has confronted her husband probably twice weekly for the past year and a half about what she needs and isn't getting, and the jerk doesn't care. If my wife told me that she was uncomfortable in the relationship and needed more I would do anything to satisfy her needs! Her current husband poo-poos everything and really doesn't care that she is unhappy or threatening divorce. He refuses to get couples counseling, and refuses to change. She is such a sweetheart that she is having problems bringing herself to tell him "It's over... sign here". My big heartbreaking thought is that she's put up with this crap for a year and a half... why would she change now?
D-Glo Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Originally posted by jrust I do expect my wife to be completely faithful, but I also see a huge difference between me and her current husband. I care about her feelings, and of course would do anything I could to make her happy. She has confronted her husband probably twice weekly for the past year and a half about what she needs and isn't getting, and the jerk doesn't care. If my wife told me that she was uncomfortable in the relationship and needed more I would do anything to satisfy her needs So, given a few years, if something should happen and you should falter, she should seek solice in another man's arms? It's not about how he treats her, it's about how she lets him treat her. It's her choice to leave and to be with another man. He may treat her horribly, but it's her choice to stay there with him and remain married. Trust me when I say I appreciate the place you're at, but jrust, you need to realize that we all have choices to make, and it's her choice to remain with him, as it's your choice to spend the time you do with her knowing she's married. I'm far from preaching here, I'm in a similar situation (minus the marriage on her part), so I know how it feels. Even so, I refuse to blame him because though he knows how he treats her, she's still there. Best of luck to you in your decisions and may you find love you deserve, that deserves you.
D-Glo Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Also... when she's ready to leave him... no matter how sweet she is, saying "It's over... sign here". won't be as hard as she thinks it is. It's just a matter of her getting to that point. Now,can you handlebeing in this situation, alone at night while she's still sleeping next to him, if it takes 10 years? Tough choice... but we're here if you need to talk!
Author jrust Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 First off thanks for all the help everybody. I have been talking with her via Instant Messenger for a few hours now and they have both agreed to seek a counselor at my advice... I really think that's the last hope for them. He needs to knock off the hystrionics, and start treating her with respect. I think deep in her heart she wants her marriage to work out, so that's the position I took. Believe me it was incredibly difficult for me to say that, but...??? I hope I get brownie points for that if someday I am standing in front of St. Peter... :-/ I am proud of myself, but simultaneously I broke my own heart... What an odd feeling. *sigh*
sami Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 It is good though hard to think rationally under such circumstances. Continue to keep the distance of respect. It is good for both of you.
Tweetie Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Congratulations, jrust, you're a stand-up guy and I'll bet you will get some karma points, as long as you totally back off now and have no contact with her. If she contacts you again, and she probably will, let her know that there can be nothing more between you unless and until she leaves her husband. Then sit back and see what happens. If she's really in love with you, and not in love with him, your calling the relationship off completely and declining to see or talk with her may give her the boost she needs to leave him. You are definitely making the right decision to not settle for being the other man in her life. In addition to being a terrible start to a relationship, even if it should "work out," I think you are giving the message that you think cheating is OK. You must think it's relatively OK if you're participating in it, right? If you really think it's wrong and don't want to be cheated on in the future, I don't think you should ever put yourself in the position of being a cheater.
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