GirlontheLam Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I thought I'd join everyone else and post my rant of the day. After de-prioritizing relationships for a little while, I moved it up higher to my priority list. Basically, this means, I am making a much more concerted effort to meeting new people. I know a lot of people go online, but in reality it doesn't seem to work well for me, so I'd rather focus on real-life meeting people through activities and what not. So my current beef is all about mixed signals. Over the past several weeks, I have met a few people. Good chemistry. We exchanged info. And then the black hole. And I am not talking about the "let's exchange info" and I never reach out to you black hole -- that's normal. I assume that many people will give you their info and never call and vice versa. My black hole is the mixed signals black hole. The one where they reach out to you, and just keep talking about doing something.... Here's the deal, if I am not interested, you'll never get any response from me, and I surely won't initiate any conversations. I assume everyone else works this way too. Boy was I wrong! I've got a couple people I am in touch with now playing the "I'm busy" card and keep reaching out to me. Here is a sample conversation: Context: guy I randomly met who was planning to move across country to where I live -- he reached out to me before he moved to tell me he was moving, I sent him a note not long after he moved: Me: hey, how's your move/new job? Him: Hey, things are good, I have so much to tell you, it is totally crazy. Me: OK let's do happy hour one of these days Him: (seconds later) Totally, I am super busy right now, but soon. Him: silence Another one: Ran him into a few times over a couple of months. Don't remember meeting him the first time (oops) but here is what happened the last time: Him: hey good seeing you, I moved to your side of town (he remembered where I lived from the previous conversations), we should meet up for drinks. Me: yeah, let me know. Have you been to XYZ yet? Him: not yet, got this big project I am working on over the next couple of weeks, after that I'll be free. Me: ok, keep me posted Him: (a week or so later): Hey! Still working on my project. We should meet up soon. Me: sure Him: silence It's like, dude, schedule something or stop contacting me . I am confused. OK, end of rant.
todreaminblue Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I thought I'd join everyone else and post my rant of the day. After de-prioritizing relationships for a little while, I moved it up higher to my priority list. Basically, this means, I am making a much more concerted effort to meeting new people. I know a lot of people go online, but in reality it doesn't seem to work well for me, so I'd rather focus on real-life meeting people through activities and what not. So my current beef is all about mixed signals. Over the past several weeks, I have met a few people. Good chemistry. We exchanged info. And then the black hole. And I am not talking about the "let's exchange info" and I never reach out to you black hole -- that's normal. I assume that many people will give you their info and never call and vice versa. My black hole is the mixed signals black hole. The one where they reach out to you, and just keep talking about doing something.... Here's the deal, if I am not interested, you'll never get any response from me, and I surely won't initiate any conversations. I assume everyone else works this way too. Boy was I wrong! I've got a couple people I am in touch with now playing the "I'm busy" card and keep reaching out to me. Here is a sample conversation: Context: guy I randomly met who was planning to move across country to where I live -- he reached out to me before he moved to tell me he was moving, I sent him a note not long after he moved: Me: hey, how's your move/new job? Him: Hey, things are good, I have so much to tell you, it is totally crazy. Me: OK let's do happy hour one of these days Him: (seconds later) Totally, I am super busy right now, but soon. Him: silence Another one: Ran him into a few times over a couple of months. Don't remember meeting him the first time (oops) but here is what happened the last time: Him: hey good seeing you, I moved to your side of town (he remembered where I lived from the previous conversations), we should meet up for drinks. Me: yeah, let me know. Have you been to XYZ yet? Him: not yet, got this big project I am working on over the next couple of weeks, after that I'll be free. Me: ok, keep me posted Him: (a week or so later): Hey! Still working on my project. We should meet up soon. Me: sure Him: silence It's like, dude, schedule something or stop contacting me . I am confused. OK, end of rant. I give up on the signal thing...i just want guys to be straight up......dont want to have to read them....i bought a pair of sunnies......so now im wearing them permanantly no one is going to read me either(my eyes give a lot away) ill sit on my hands behind my back,stop looking at the guy i like stop fidgeting, stop playign with my hair and sit stock still staring into space thinking of llamas so no one can (especially him) read my body language...if people do ill be thinking of llama fur which should confuse him adn evrybody else as much as i am confused........there...my rant....llllllaaaaaaaaama....so ....can you tell im smiling....ahem....trying not to smile:cool:..if people start talking about llamas im in huge trouble......deb 1
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 I texted one of the mixed signal guys me: "hey are you free tomorrow, going here....." him: (shortly after my text) would love to go, gotta work the night shift then me: that sucks, let me know when you are free. him: crickets OK writing him off......just too confusing!
SmileFace Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Are you meeting these guys online? Let guys contact you. Truthfully don't chase guys. If they are not contacting you they are not interested. No reason to deal with the mix signals.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Mixed signals = just fooling around, and that is all they are interested in: sex. Invite him for drinks at your place. See how quickly his night shift will disappear. And when he does, go quiet on his ass. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I feel lucky to be in the boat of never having the "mixed signals" issue with guys I've dated. God, that would drive me nuts. Although to be honest in the case of the first guy I just think he is not interested. Second guy might be but he is a flake. I'd ditch both.
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Are you meeting these guys online? Let guys contact you. Truthfully don't chase guys. If they are not contacting you they are not interested. No reason to deal with the mix signals. These 2 I met in real life at an event. I'll probably run into them again too. We are in the same "group." Generally speaking, I don't run into my "type" in real life unless I make a concerted effort. There are a myriad of reasons why, they aren't super prevalent in my region etc. People that generally approach are a little off, and many of my interests don't really have a lot of people that are my type or more accurately my age unfortunately. (Too many older people or too many hipsters) So I realized, that I need to work a lot harder to put myself in the presence of the right people and work a little harder.
MilitantPacifist Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Honestly most of the chicks I've dated are equally guilty of this. If you show too much interest, it turns them off. Too little, and they figure you're not interested in anything but sex. I've pretty much gotten it down to a science now.. if the other person is consistently "busy" for a couple weeks (to the point of not even having a conversation) then they're not busy at all. They're blowing you off. Drop that one and move on.
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Mixed signals = just fooling around, and that is all they are interested in: sex. Invite him for drinks at your place. See how quickly his night shift will disappear. And when he does, go quiet on his ass. LOL! That would be hilarious!
truth_seeker Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Lets flip it: how about women and mixed signals. They're just interested in getting attention. 2
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Lets flip it: how about women and mixed signals. They're just interested in getting attention. Mixed signals are a 2 way street. Don't get me started on the facebook stalkers..... 1
truth_seeker Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Okay, what is a Facebook stalker? I sent a girl multiple messages on Facebook. I did this because she was actually stalking me IRL. This make me a Facebook stalker?
Mrlonelyone Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Okay, what is a Facebook stalker? I sent a girl multiple messages on Facebook. I did this because she was actually stalking me IRL. This make me a Facebook stalker? Let me put it this way. A young woman I have been talking to told me she was seeing someone, but it wasn't serious, but seeing me would be like lesbianism, then friended me on FB. Odds are she has been looking at my pictures and learning more about me by looking at my FB. As I have been about her. By looking at eachothers pictures, timelines, friends etc. one can get a certain sense of who someone is. That becomes stalking if you don't talk to them in real life. @GirlontheLam I know just how you feel. All I get is mixed signals since the people sending them have mixed feelings about me. Mixed feelings are the norm, they are way more likely than pure feelings. No one purely loves someone, only a mother with a newborn comes close. So mixed signals are just people being honest. Those are a true reflection of how someone feels.
truth_seeker Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Odds are she has been looking at my pictures and learning more about me by looking at my FB. As I have been about her. By looking at eachothers pictures, timelines, friends etc. one can get a certain sense of who someone is. That becomes stalking if you don't talk to them in real life. So you're both stalking each other?
Mrlonelyone Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 So you're both stalking each other? I know it's a stupid concept. But, in the age where one can learn much about a potential SO with a few mouse clicks it's what people do.
ScreamingTrees Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 @GirlontheLam I know just how you feel. All I get is mixed signals since the people sending them have mixed feelings about me. Mixed feelings are the norm, they are way more likely than pure feelings. No one purely loves someone, only a mother with a newborn comes close. So mixed signals are just people being honest. Those are a true reflection of how someone feels. So, what you're essentially trying to say is that another person can never really love another person genuinely? I guess those of us who aren't satisfied with casual encounters should just give up?
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Let me put it this way. A young woman I have been talking to told me she was seeing someone, but it wasn't serious, but seeing me would be like lesbianism, then friended me on FB. Odds are she has been looking at my pictures and learning more about me by looking at my FB. As I have been about her. By looking at eachothers pictures, timelines, friends etc. one can get a certain sense of who someone is. That becomes stalking if you don't talk to them in real life. Pretty much. One of my current "stalkers" I met in real life. A cold approach if you will. We went out, and he mentioned his girlfriend. So he got downgraded to facebook friend. You know, you sometimes interact on facebook but not much in real life. This means, I'll occasionally comment on your posts or whatever if I see them. My real friends, I'll check in on their posts, go to their profiles a few times a week. I spend like 15 minutes a day on facebook, so basically I don't really see anything unless you tag me. We don't have mutual friends or anything, but frequent a few of the same places. He will undoubtedly mention something I posted on facebook a while ago when I run into him. "Oh I saw your post about XYZ, that was interesting or I totally agree." In lieu of the normal thing, you know a facebook comment or like. Facebook stalking! Another stalker is a real life friend who now seems to be sending signs he is trying to leave the friend zone. That is a thread in itself. I need to sign out of chat because he tries to chat all the time. And didn't previously do this.......
Lonely Ronin Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I know it's a stupid concept. But, in the age where one can learn much about a potential SO with a few mouse clicks it's what people do. You realize you can prevent this with a few clicks of your own right?
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 I know it's a stupid concept. But, in the age where one can learn much about a potential SO with a few mouse clicks it's what people do. I have now decided it is awesome to facebook friend all potentials ahead of time. Then you can find out what they are really like! Are they secretly immature, and post all kinds of "hot girl" pics. Are they closet super nerds? Do they have good taste in music? Are they insomniacs? Are they oversharers? It is great! 1
truth_seeker Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I have now decided it is awesome to facebook friend all potentials ahead of time. Then you can find out what they are really like! Are they secretly immature, and post all kinds of "hot girl" pics. Are they closet super nerds? Do they have good taste in music? Are they insomniacs? Are they oversharers? It is great! What happens if you don't like them? You unfriend them?
Mrlonelyone Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I have now decided it is awesome to facebook friend all potentials ahead of time. Then you can find out what they are really like! Are they secretly immature, and post all kinds of "hot girl" pics. Are they closet super nerds? Do they have good taste in music? Are they insomniacs? Are they oversharers? It is great! Exactly. To a certain extent you can know what a person is really about by looking at their facebook history. Some people are really careful and curate what they put out there, but who can do that for years on end? Plus you get a sense of their friends and family too. What you said about facebook "stalkers" is true too. Though it has to be made clear this isn't stalking or cyberstalking in any true sense. We choose who to let in and as Lonely Ronin points out.... You realize you can prevent this with a few clicks of your own right? Yeah. I just say it's strange because I spent most of my adult life until 2006 ish without FB. Relationships were full of surprises back then. So, what you're essentially trying to say is that another person can never really love another person genuinely? I guess those of us who aren't satisfied with casual encounters should just give up? No. What I am saying is that real life is not a story book. In stories people meet and if it's "meant to be" they fall madly hopelessly in love and get married and live happily ever after. In real life we love someone even as we don't like everything about them. We love someone even as we don't like that they stink from their job at the fertilizer factory. We love someone even as we perhaps don't love their hobby or TV shows. We compromise we have a give and take. At least that's what I have learned from watching my parents. People who have known eachother since 1971 and been married since 1980.
Author GirlontheLam Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 What happens if you don't like them? You unfriend them? I haven't unfriended anyone yet. But facebook can definitely put a damper on the interest (romantically) in someone. Or even increase it too. 1
ScreamingTrees Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 In real life we love someone even as we don't like everything about them. We love someone even as we don't like that they stink from their job at the fertilizer factory. We love someone even as we perhaps don't love their hobby or TV shows. We compromise we have a give and take. At least that's what I have learned from watching my parents. People who have known eachother since 1971 and been married since 1980. Makes sense to me, but to me, that's all about loving and accepting someone as an overall person.. If someone secretly wishes their partner were different or "better", I don't think they're in "love" in any sense of the word.
Mrlonelyone Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I haven't unfriended anyone yet. But facebook can definitely put a damper on the interest (romantically) in someone. Or even increase it too. Yes, depending on what I see there I can either like someone more or like them allot less. If someone secretly wishes their partner were different or "better", I don't think they're in "love" in any sense of the word. Really? My mother has wished my father would not be such a slob and stop smoking since they met. Yet here we are 40+ years latter. If that's not real love nothing is.
sydneysider1978 Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I'm not sure they are sending mixed messages. There is a sliding scale of interest. I think they are both a little interested but but not enough to do anything about it right now, for whatever reason. Maybe there is chemistry but something else going on, like a recent break up or work stresses. I also think that because you've decided that you're looking for a relationship, you are taking these exchanges more seriously than you might have before.... It's really easy and fun to have a bit of a flirtatious chat over IM. Have fun and be flattered.... But until they're agreeing on a actually arrangements with you, take it all with a pinch of salt. Chill out, be receptive, flirt but if anyone is really annoying you just don't chat back.. QUOTE=GirlontheLam;4300980]I thought I'd join everyone else and post my rant of the day. After de-prioritizing relationships for a little while, I moved it up higher to my priority list. Basically, this means, I am making a much more concerted effort to meeting new people. I know a lot of people go online, but in reality it doesn't seem to work well for me, so I'd rather focus on real-life meeting people through activities and what not. So my current beef is all about mixed signals. Over the past several weeks, I have met a few people. Good chemistry. We exchanged info. And then the black hole. And I am not talking about the "let's exchange info" and I never reach out to you black hole -- that's normal. I assume that many people will give you their info and never call and vice versa. My black hole is the mixed signals black hole. The one where they reach out to you, and just keep talking about doing something.... Here's the deal, if I am not interested, you'll never get any response from me, and I surely won't initiate any conversations. I assume everyone else works this way too. Boy was I wrong! I've got a couple people I am in touch with now playing the "I'm busy" card and keep reaching out to me. Here is a sample conversation: Context: guy I randomly met who was planning to move across country to where I live -- he reached out to me before he moved to tell me he was moving, I sent him a note not long after he moved: Me: hey, how's your move/new job? Him: Hey, things are good, I have so much to tell you, it is totally crazy. Me: OK let's do happy hour one of these days Him: (seconds later) Totally, I am super busy right now, but soon. Him: silence Another one: Ran him into a few times over a couple of months. Don't remember meeting him the first time (oops) but here is what happened the last time: Him: hey good seeing you, I moved to your side of town (he remembered where I lived from the previous conversations), we should meet up for drinks. Me: yeah, let me know. Have you been to XYZ yet? Him: not yet, got this big project I am working on over the next couple of weeks, after that I'll be free. Me: ok, keep me posted Him: (a week or so later): Hey! Still working on my project. We should meet up soon. Me: sure Him: silence It's like, dude, schedule something or stop contacting me . I am confused. OK, end of rant. 1
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