Penance?

[StormySeas]

So I'm only a couple of weeks removed from finding out the whole truth about the PA/EA that my H had 2.5 years ago. 2.5 years ago, I knew there was definitely an EA, and we spent a lot of time in MC for dealing with that and got over it much for the better...until two weeks ago the details of a PA came out after I'd found some emails from 2.5 years ago that hinted at something physical. My H fessed up the truth then. We have a son and I honestly can't imagine going through a D. Plus my H has been a model H and father for the last 2 years...ignoring the obvious giant elephant in the room that he was still lying over those 2 years about what happened 2.5 years ago. But I do believe they were totally NC since then.

 

Anyway, I kicked him out after everything happened two weeks ago and talked to a friend that is a divorce lawyer (sobering conversation about the agony of D), did a ton of research/reading/etc. I talked to our MC solo about how the idea of divorce scared the heck out of me and that I didn't think I could put our son through that without trying to reconcile. But I am totally a person who can just cut people totally out of their lives, so I said I was worried that a separation would be killer. My MC and I thought that having my H live in our home in a separate room (the rooms are far enough away that I could never see him/hear him if I wanted) might be the best situation.

 

The facts are that I really love this man. He has grown and matured over the last two years. The A made him a better person, although he was a lying piece of s*** through that period that he was a "better person", and I clearly have a hard time dealing with that data point.

 

But for those of you out there that are/have reconciled...how does it really work? I mean how do you start to let them back in? How do you know when it's right to let them back into your life/heart when you feel so much pain? If he says something funny right now in front of our son, I can't laugh. Nothing is funny that has to do with him. But does that pass? Do I need to do things to help move myself along? Right now our time alone is spent with us both crying, talking about our feelings. Then he goes back to his room and I stay in mine. I feel like this could happen forever. He wants to see if he can bring some normalcy back by taking me out to dinner, etc. But that seems too fast and too wrong right now. Am I being silly? Do I need to make steps like that if I really want to try to reconcile? Is my desire NOT to do that evidence that I don't really think we can reconcile?

 

I'm a poorly practicing Catholic so I think about penance often. Clearly my H can't say 1,000 prayers and get absolved from this in any way. But have any of you found comfort in making your cheaters do certain things along the reconciliation path? Tell friends or parents or anything?

[ComingInHot]

First, I'm so sorry you are dealing w/this.

My FWH had an A and I found out about ten months after it had ended. What a kick in the face! Due to our circumstances, we didn't really deal w/it until a year and a half later. Things did a HUGE positive turn around in just this past week*

 

It. IS HARD!!!!

 

No amount of "making him pay" will ever make it better for you. It's completely not fair and I get that!!

 

It sounds like you are mostly dealing w/this alone except for your husband and councelor. It was extremely helpful to me to tell my family and two of his brothers. They love me and husband and helped us both carry the burden of his A. My two bff's know too and have been incredibly helpful and supportive.

 

Your best bet (or at least my best bet) is too forgive your FWH and eventually work to stay or go but with the forgiveness. But know that I have had to forgive my husband many MANY times for the same thing. His A.

 

I wish I could offer you more than this and helping you know that you are Not alone*

[eleanorrigby]

I was raised Roman Catholic so I get the penance thing, but penance is going to have to be something he does for/to himself. Like giving up something for Lent.

It will have to come from him to initiate something like this IMO.

[2sunny]

It's hard to think that you have been working towards R for 2 years and he wasn't being honest that whole time!

 

Also - HE didn't come to YOU with his truth - YOU had to find it in his emails...

 

I'd have a difficult time thinking of being wi him - no matter how "good" he's been for 2 years now - HE still isn't showing evidence of being capable of TELLING his truth.

 

Without him becoming totally honest - there's no basis to trust him... HE hasn't EARNED it.

[2sunny]

Half my family are Catholic. I don't really think of it as absolution. That's something between him and God. I won't ever absolve him. On the other hand h has done many hard things- telling friends, family, coworkers, to show his loyalty and to help protect us. People who once would have thrown them together thinking there was nothing untoward now understand and do not invite her to things where h or I will be. She knows shes not being inviyed anymore too and is mad as hell about it.

 

Protect YOU? From who - HIM?

 

He cheated... Seems he's to blame for that cheating - why would the friends protect your family and not hers? He cheated too!

[ComingInHot]

Sunny:

 

I do agree w/you but (be damned my "butt"*)... in some rare cases, the "out" person in the triangle can become pretty angry & might do/say things they, under healthy circumstances wouldn't normally do. (I am pretty sure this is my Most politically correct sentence to date. ).

 

I don't know of Red's stitch, but from my own, I think/feel the measures my husband felt he needed to take (due to his A... ) to protect me & our marriage were fairly drastic.

 

But you are right it is her husband's fault..*

[Spark1111]

For GROWNUPS, there are consequences to actions that hurt another.

 

Atonement, asking for forgiveness (and not just from you!) from all who may have been hurt by deceptions and betrayals.

 

Look, you have the right to decide NOT to decide anything right now....Do not forget that.

 

You are allowed to take it one day at a time.

 

Forgiveness comes when you are ready to, not a second sooner. And forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not the one who hurt you.

 

When YOU are ready, you decide that you could not control it, did not cause it, and will forgive it because you will not let it define your life and who you are, or what you want your future to be.

 

It has little to do with the cheater; it is more a part of opening your heart to how wonderful life can be if you let it....One act of deception will NOT sentence you to a lifetime of heartbreak.

 

One thing WSs do not realize is the the sight and sound of them are the biggest triggers of all and divorce is easier than reconciliation.

 

Over time, you will have to decide three things: Can I forgive the affair?

 

Can I forgive all the lies and deception to maintain the affair and his secrets? (Much, much harder.)

 

And third, and I believe, the hardest: Will I ever respect him again or as much as I use to when we took our vows which I kept and he did not, could not.

 

Only you, in time, can answer these questions for yourself.

 

Take your child OUT of this equation because ultimately, it IS about a man and a woman and a lifetime committment to each other.

 

Remember, you can decide to not decide for as long as it takes.

[Decorative]

In reality, he has been lying for two additional years. So any progress you made was built on quicksand. He did that.

 

You don't have to make any decisions today. You can decide whenever it feels best to you.

 

I kicked my spouse out after a false recovery. He was gone for 10 days, home for two weeks, then I sent him back out for six months.

 

At the end of the six months - I knew we were in a place to work towards healing. Together.

[frozensprouts]

for reasons we couldn't control, we were apart for several months right after we started trying to reconcile, so it had t be put off...not ideal, but it was what it was.

 

My best advice to you would be to take some time and try and figure out what you need from him right now, and what you think you may need from him to reconcile and begin to trust him again. Your list will be unique to you and your situation, but it's a good idea to read on here ( and get information from other sources as well) about what worked for others.

 

Some common things I have heard of /used myself are:

 

- to help rebuild trust, give each other all email, computer,internet, and phone passwords. you don't have to use them if you don't want to, but you will have them. If at all possible,just have one computer that you both share

 

- write down your feelings each day so you can sort them out in your mind. Write a long letter to your spouse explaining how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you want...you don't have to give it to them if you don't wan to, but sometimes writing can be a good way to get your feelings out

 

- talk to your spouse about how you feel and what you need...allow them to do that as well. What does he need from you? If you are going to rebuild things, you have to do it together

 

- counseling is an excellent idea

 

-be kind to one another

 

- don't let his cheating turn you into someone you don't know and don't like...be true to yourself

 

- this may sound weird, but if you know of another couple "in real life" who went through something like you and were able to reconcile, ask them if it's okay if the four of you sit down and talk about your respective situations and what they did to reconcile..sometimes having someone talk to you face to face can really help

 

- it's okay to be incredibly angry with your husband...that doesn't mean you don't love him...allow yourself to be angry- if you don't , it can fester and come out in much worse ways later on...sit down with him and allow yourself to be angry with him...let him see how much he hurt you and allow him to be the one to provide comfort to you- it may sound like too much to ask from yourself right now, but if he tries to hold you and comfort you, let him...allow yourself to receive care and kindness and love from him again- even if it's only for a few minutes

 

- (these next suggestions are for when you feel ready)...if there are places that you used to like going with your spouse but don't anymore because they remind you of the affair, start taking them back. Make them your own again...even if you have to force yourself, go and enjoy yourself...reclaim what is your own...also, make new happy memories of new places and thing with your spouse- sit down with him and talk about some things you have always wanted to try together but never did, and go out and try them...be together as a couple again

 

It will take time, but each small step will get you that much closer to where you want to be...it's okay if you make mistakes or feel worn out by the process...if, at the end of the day, you just can't make it work, it's also okay to walk away

 

 

hope this ehlped a bit, and best of luck to you and your husband

[StormySeas]

Thank you all so much for taking the time and energy to write some incredibly honest and thoughtful posts. I really appreciate what you are suggesting and you have given me a lot to think about.

 

One of my biggest issues right now is this -- for 2 years, the entire truth did not come out. But during that 2 years, we were closer than ever in every possible way. Communicating incredibly well, while he was taking so much more responsibility for our son and parenting and truly stepping up to the plate. Then everything came out -- and honestly, I found those 2.5 year old emails when I was checking his phone after a 12am text made it buzz (the text was an auto update on a football score!) and thought that I'd find absolutely nothing because for the last 2 years he has been very dedicated.

 

His fear of telling the truth was that I would D without trying. Whenever we discussed cheaters before whether it had to do with friends, colleagues, tv programs, etc. I always said that I didn't think I could forgive and I'd be gone. He didn't think there was a chance that we could reconcile if I knew everything and I truly believe that's why he kept the absolute monster lie about the extent of their PA.

 

My problem right now is that it feels too easy to forgive and move on. We spend each evening talking and he is so upset that he has hurt me so much. Our conversations are frank, honest, and it feels like there are no more secrets in any aspect of our lives. Before I checked his phone that night, life was better than it had been since this whole mess began 2.5 years ago. So I find that I miss him right now. He sends cute poems or calls and is trying so darn hard to just be there for me in every way and I want him to be there for me. It feels so easy to just hug for hours and cry and cry, but part of me thinks that it's just too soon for me to act like I'm going to be able to move on (albeit a shattered version of me at the moment) and that we're going to be able to re-build our lives. That's the only reason I think about penance -- does moving on too early hurt us? Is it just another false recovery? What can he do that will make me think that "okay, he's got it...this will never happen again" so we can move on? I think that the last 2 years have taught him that already...and all the MC we went through has taught him that already.

 

So I guess I just feel torn right now. It feels too easy to just allow myself to be comforted by my H and to let him know that he's my guy. That feels like I'm being naive. "Punishment" seems ridiculous right now...we've both been punished emotionally to the ends of the earth as a result of this crap, but slaying a lion to prove his unending love (bad example, but you get the point) or something just feels like it would help. I don't know.

 

But I appreciate all of your thoughts very much.