NotInProvence Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 So, an update: A trusted friend is bird sitting, and I have found temporary crash space while I get back on my feet. I polished up my résumé and already have interviews lined up for better jobs. My daughter is furious with R and keeps threatening to vandalize OW's house. As for my xWBF.... He was clearly sad, but said he couldn't force me to stay. He filled my fridge and cupboard with groceries out of his own pocket--and gave me a credit card (in his name so he is responsible) to help pay for my surgery. As I was leaving, he called his mother to tell her--and she flipped. I could hear her screaming through the phone from three rooms away! Poor thing's been waiting for the day I became her DIL, apparently. That's when things fell apart for him. He threatened suicide (got him calmed down I think). He cried and said I was always The One even when we were kids, he always chose me, and he wishes he'd realized what a big mistake OW was before it was too late. He admitted to being selfish and said she was just "variety," but he never saw himself growing old with anyone but me. He couldn't have done this a year ago? Heck, he couldn't have said it when we were *teenagers*? It's weird sleeping alone. I hardly have time to miss him though because he calls and texts constantly. Clearly, I have to change my number and e-mail address. Thank goodness he doesn't do Facebook, Twitter, or blogging! Is this normal behavior? Or should I be worried? I do have to say though...it's nice not to have to worry about anything other than, "Should I have a hamburger or eggplant Parmesan for dinner?" 3
Spark1111 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Unfortunately, and certainly the emotionally immature, do not realizw what and who they love until it has a bag and uhaul packed and are walking out the door. There is and should be consequences to toying with the love and sexual health of another. Maybe he will grow up now....but then again, maybe not. Gifts and credit cards do not a future trustworthy life partner make, no matter how nice the perks are. Keep doing what you are doing and don't entertain those conversations from him too much. Keep busy focusing on you and let your instincts and gut guide you now. Wait.....until you are reasonably assured he may actually be sincere in committing to you and giving up his "variety" hobby, if ever. Never be anyone's default choice. Make sure he wants you for you, and not because he doesn't want any other man to have you, KWIM? There is a huge difference between the two. Good luck. 1
Author NotInProvence Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Wise words, and just what I needed to hear. I have not taken his last several calls. I need space to hear myself think for a while--a long while, tbh. I have a better job to find, surgery, holiday presents to finish, a daughter to help and encourage through med school...oh yeah, and a broken heart to heal. If, after all that, he shows that he's grown up...who knows? It's far too soon to tell. I may find I'm better off without him. I just hope I don't hear "Just Like Honey" anytime soon....
Cb3657 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Lady I think you put up with more than any man has a right to expect from his wife. This reminds me of a child keeps pushing and pushing till they find the end of you tolerance then cannot believe there is a consequence. I know if I had cheated been caught, talked my wife into accepting another person in our marriage, set no boundaries on that and finally had her dump me I would look in awe of how far I got in the first place. Good for you for standing up, I personally don't believe you two are long term prospects since if you forgive him now he is likely to try to retest your boundaries cause he got so far the first time.
Gagirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 You have definately done the right thing. Just relax as much as you can and enjoy being away from that extremely toxic man. I wouldn't even consider getting back with him. You will be much healthier in the long run. 1
BetrayedH Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I hear nothing but healthy words in your posts, NIP. I think making the decision to stay or go is the hardest part, other than perhaps actually following thru with the decision. You've done both and while you do still have a heart to heal, I think you'll be on an upward swing for a while. And yeah, there is something liberating about deciding just what YOU want to make for yourself for dinner. Oddly, I find it fun making my own decisions about what I want at the grocery store (after 12 years of marriage). If I wanna spend $10 on a can of cashews, there's nobody to answer to. Small victories. 1
Author NotInProvence Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 You know, CB, I have thought the exact same thing about him! I know that he was overindulged as a child, and even now his mother covers for him a lot. He literally has no grasp of "actions = consequences" because they never have--until now.
Author NotInProvence Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Gagirl, I do believe you're right. I feel like I can finally breathe!
Author NotInProvence Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 BetrayedH, that just made me grin like an idiot. This may sound strange but...for many years, R was always the guy I compared other men to. As a friend he projects one face, but in a relationship he is TOTALLY different. I had no idea how toxic he really was. Perhaps now, if I ever decide to date again, I will be able to make healthier relationship choices. And yes, small victories. I can go back to eating meat, for one--and maybe I will treat myself to some cappuccino. I can use wool again, woo-hoo! We must take our comforts where we can find them (and I don't mean in a stranger's bed, either).
Recommended Posts