autigrgrad Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 I am new to this board and have just recently separated after 13 years of marriage and 1 child. This was my decision. After living with my husband for all these years with no communication, I had to get out. I had cervical cancer and a radical hysterectomy back in February and decided that my life is too short(I am only 35) and I need to move on. If all is agreed upon, we should be divorced within 2 months. I have started kind of seeing a 45 year old man(my chiropractor) who has never been married but has been in many relationships and is actually in one right now. He has been dating a woman, his age, for about 9 months. He says that they see each other about 1 time a month. I don't really know the details and don't want to know right now. He say that we are the complete opposite and he has never carried on coversations with her like we have with each other. He says that his life is more complicated than mine. He spends a lot of time with his buddies and out on the golf course. We have only spent time together 2 times in the last week. Both times were more my asking him or actually telling him that I was free. We have a lot of fun together and can talk about anything and seem to be very honest with each other about everything(I know that I am and I am hoping that he is). He doesn't want to hurt me nor does he want to lead me on. I am so confused. He knows that I am vulnerable right now but when you are with someone who makes you feel special you want more and more of it not stopping to think how hurt you may become in the long run. My husband did not make me feel special, talk to me or even kiss me and hold me the way this man does. He told me that he is breaking 2 of his rules: 1. no dating patients and 2. no dating married women. I asked why he is breaking his rules then and he said that I helped make the decision about us getting together. I guess he didn't want to say no. He has been flirting with me for weeks. He kept on asking me when will you be able to date. I finally asked him if he was interested and he asked me what would I say if he asked me out. I told him that of course I would go out with him. He told me to call anytime I needed to talk. This was before we became intimate for the first time last Monday. I am the one who calls him and he always calls back. He is very paranoid that my husband will have the phone records checked. My husband isn't even using his own lawyer, we are sharing one and are very agreeable to most things. My husband has no clue this is going on(but we are separated). I spoke to him(new man) on Saturday early evening and he said that he thought that he had a date. I said what do you mean you think you have a date, haven't you asked her out yet. He said that he was supposed to have called her 2 hours before. He asked me if I was mad at him. Anyway, I told him that I couldn't do this and that I would wait for him to call me if he wanted to see me again. He wants me to date other people and not settle for the first guy I meet. I reallt didn't think that I would hear from him again unless I called him. So anyway, 11:30 pm Saturday night, he calls me. We talked for abput 30 minutes. He told me tonight that it was probably the alcohol that made him call and he knew that I would be up. We decided that I would call him Monday to see if he was free. My question is: Why would a man call me after he has been out on a date with someone else? Was it just the alcohol talking or is his really interested? I have not done the dating in thing is so long and crave attention so badly. I went in to his office today for an adjustment and he thought that he had a meeting after work but he did not. Everything was very professional except for a few things we talked about. We discussed giving each other massages later because our backs were sore. I went and had some other therapy done on my back and he came over and whispered in my ear to call him because he was leaving. I called and we got together for a couple of hours tonight. He told me before I came over that he was scared. I am not sure if he is scared because he is in some other relationship or if he is scared because I am not divorced yet. Why would a man be scared? When I left, I did not say that I would call him nor did he say that he would call me. I am just so confused and am not sure what to do. Do I just wait and let him call me? Any suggestions out there?? Thanks for reading this lengthy post.
Craig Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Your chiropractor/friend/BF? is probably thinking about a couple of things one being from the code of ethics of the American Chiropractic Association. Here is what the ACA says... SEXUAL INTIMACIES WITH A PATIENT The ACA Ethics Committee ("Committee") has received numerous requests for clarification relative to the ethical implications of sexual intimacies between a doctor of chiropractic and a patient he or she is treating. This advisory opinion is intended to resolve any misunderstanding and to state that it is the opinion of the Committee that sexual intimacies with a patient is unprofessional and unethical based on the existing ethical provisions in the ACA Code of Ethics: A(6), A(7), A(10) and C(2). The physician/patient relationship requires the doctor of chiropractic to exercise utmost care that he or she will do nothing to "exploit the trust and dependency of the patient." Doctors of chiropractic should make every effort to avoid dual relationships that could impair their professional judgment or risk the possibility of exploiting the confidence placed in them by the patient. (Approved 1991) Maybe he is scared of being brought before the ACA Ethics Committee and/or scared that the other women he is dating might find out about you and/or scared that people might find out about him dating a patient and/or scared that you are likely in a vulnerable emotional state and when you are less vulnerable and thinking clearer you'll sue his a$$ off for professional misconduct or something similar. Who knows what he's scared of. PLEASE re-think getting involved with the new guy right now. Give yourself some time to be single again don't rebound into the arms of a man who is dating other women and has questionable professional ethical behavior. Actually don't rebound into the arms of anyone.
Author autigrgrad Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 Thanks Craig for your reply and your research regarding drs and their patients. My relationship with my husband has been boring and uneventful from the start almost 13 years ago. He is the most quiet, unopinionated, indecisive man I have ever met. Why did I stay with him for so long, I have no idea. We have a 7.5 year old beautiful son together. My cancer finally made me realize that life is too short and I need to find happiness elsewhere. I had been toying with the idea of divorce long before my cancer. I just never had the nerve to take the step and ask for one. So my getting involved with someone is out of desperation to be loved and cared for. I know I should wait but when you meet someone and you feel so safe it is hard to wait. I guess I am not sure that safe is not the right word. I am having feelings that I have never had before with my husband. We haven't slept together just talked, cuddled, kissed and touched. I do know that getting involved with a dr of any type is the wrong thing to do. He is just such a good listener(I know that is his job) and a good communicator(again his job). We have the same personalities and can talk and laugh about all kinds of things. My husband really never made me laugh or feel happy inside. I am just so lonely and need to be with someone. Is that so bad or is there a rule of thumb about how long you should wait to start dating? Thanks again for your advice.
Craig Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Because everyone is different to some degree there are no absolutes about how long one should wait before starting to date. What you read on LS are just other people's opinions and are not prescriptions for happiness. Of course you are feeling lonely right now that is normal. Feeling a need to be with someone is normal too however it's been other peoples experience that being single for a while results in less heartache in the future. Can you find some way to occupy your time so you don't think about your loneliness so much? Spending time with your friends or son would be a healthy choice. Could you revive some interests that you had before you were married, art, travel, or what ever... There are lots of single people who are not in relationships who are not lonely but fill their lives with friends and other interests. It's okay to get involved with a Dr. but just not a good idea if he is your Dr. The ACA Code of Ethics is based on the experiences of thousands of Dr.'s and patients so if they are not in favor of dual relationships you can be assured there is a very good reason for it. There is a time for everything and right now IMO the current time is for you to be single. In the long run you will be stronger, more available emotionally for a healthy relationship and have less heartache.
Author autigrgrad Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 Thanks again Craig for your words. You seem to have a lot of experience in this area. You do make a lot of sense. I can't imagine a good looking man(my chiropractor) of 45 not ever being married. I wonder why some men never get married or wait a long time to commit. I guess they are happy sewing their oats not being tied down to one person. I guess when you can have anyone that you want, you go for it and have fun. I know that I do need to be alone for a while. It is just hard because I have been so alone for the past 13 years. I long for someone to really love me. I have been so independent for such a long time. I do not have a close relationship with my mom or my dad(who divorced when I was 7). I hope I will find that perfect mate somewhere down the road. Take care. Noelle
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