frozensprouts Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 there's many, many posts on here ( for god reason) about how much being a betrayed spouse hurts... but for those who ave been through it, when does the pain begin to end ? Was there anything that you did/didn't do that helped you reach that point? ( this could be for people who reconciled or split up...whatever you felt was the right thing for you) for me, I'd honestly have to say it was time. While all the other things helped on an intellectual level, on an emotional level, time was the biggest factor in feeling better.
Decorative Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 It started to really drop off about six months ago. I started to see and view all of it differently, and I started to feel more peaceful about it all. It's not gone, but it is much diminished.
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Still together in reconciliation and only 4 months out. They have not been in contact for 1 year. While the pain is still there, it is nowhere as extreme as it was in the beginning. I don't think about it every minute of everyday. The pain only comes when and if we argue, which is rare. I would say time and the WS's actions are what dull the pain.
Summer Breeze Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 More than 20 years past dday and there are still twinges of it at times. I don't know if it's actually pain but maybe more 'what it could have been'. Normally it's wrapped around my now adult daughter. I was pretty good when she was growing up but now that she's such a wonderful person in her own right I sometimes feel this sadness that what we wanted so much together I did alone. 2
Furious Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) there's many, many posts on here ( for god reason) about how much being a betrayed spouse hurts... but for those who ave been through it, when does the pain begin to end ? Was there anything that you did/didn't do that helped you reach that point? ( this could be for people who reconciled or split up...whatever you felt was the right thing for you) for me, I'd honestly have to say it was time. While all the other things helped on an intellectual level, on an emotional level, time was the biggest factor in feeling better. I guess it's pretty much like an incision, in the beginning the scar is red and painful, through time the scar fades, sometimes becoming barely noticeable, but you know it's there and that it happened, and it will always be a part of your history. I must also add that this applies to whether you reconcile or divorce. I am only just over a year from d-day and still struggling with an open scar. Edited October 3, 2012 by Furious Correction 2
drifter777 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 there's many, many posts on here ( for god reason) about how much being a betrayed spouse hurts... but for those who ave been through it, when does the pain begin to end ? Was there anything that you did/didn't do that helped you reach that point? ( this could be for people who reconciled or split up...whatever you felt was the right thing for you) for me, I'd honestly have to say it was time. While all the other things helped on an intellectual level, on an emotional level, time was the biggest factor in feeling better. frozensprouts - I cannot understand why you would ask such a question. The pain may become tolerable, but end? I'm no longer waiting for the pain to end because I've learned that it never will as long as my memory is intact. People live with painful memories that may fade over time, but still they still hurt when reminded of them. Does any BS really think that these memories will just go awayr? Do you think it will not cause some pain when you recall the affair?
GLDheart Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Six months out from D-Day here. The "D" in my "D-Day" stands more for "detonation" than the more common "discovery" as most people use it... ... So, six moths ago, my world literally blew up, went nuclear, and all hell broke loose. The short of it is, I went No Contact with my ex. We were together 10 years and she had cheated once five years earlier. This time WAS WAY MORE PAINFUL. Now there was a shared daughter in the mix. I'm in far less pain now six months out. At first I just felt like my world had slipped off into bizarro land... But now, My "new life" has begun to sink in and feal real again. I enjoy all kinds of things that I just didn't have time for before... Working out regularly at the gym, Hosting Sunday football, spending for time with my friends and family, and so much more... Maybe soon I'll even meet someone that is worth dating... In the end, the pain lessens when you realize you are spending more time looking forwsrd than looking back. 1
hardlybreathing Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 For me it still haunts me. I divorced him because every time I looked at him it triggered my pain. My counselor compared it to post traumatic syndrom so I think it may always be there. And, unfortunately, I bring this baggage into every relationship. How do I trust again? How do I let go and move on - it's been very hard. But, I have learned to deal with it. Not everyone was like my ex - he had tremendous character flaws but I have grown to realize that there are really GOOD people in the world and that's what helps me. Perhaps my situation is different. I loved my ex very much and the truth be known, he loved me. When the affair was exposed, he cried and cried along with me. His problem was that he was such a nice guy, he couldn't say no. Whatever that means. To me, it meant he was a wuss and I wanted and needed a man. I gave up the man I loved with all my heart because he wasn't good enough, not for me anyway! Fast forward, I have met the man of my dreams and I am very, very happy! Finally!!!! 2
Author frozensprouts Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 frozensprouts - I cannot understand why you would ask such a question. The pain may become tolerable, but end? I'm no longer waiting for the pain to end because I've learned that it never will as long as my memory is intact. People live with painful memories that may fade over time, but still they still hurt when reminded of them. Does any BS really think that these memories will just go awayr? Do you think it will not cause some pain when you recall the affair? I'm really referring more to the acute pain that come about when you first find out your spouse has cheated...that pain is horrible, and so many on here question when things will begin to feel better for them...this pain permeates pretty much every facet of your life...you don't eat, can't sleep, feel like you're going to burst into tears, can't concentrate, and it can take pretty much everything you have just to keep it together... That pain almost always lessens...it has to, as people need to go on in their life and be able to function, for better or worse I know that for some people, the pain will always be there, but maybe at a tolerable level...and for most, myself included, there will always be a pang of sadness, etc. when one thinks about the affair... 1
NotInProvence Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I have the weird feeling that the worst of it hasn't even hit yet...I may be out of the situation, but the situation isn't out of ME, KWIM? 1
Steadfast Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 A combination of actions/decisions eased the acute pain. The burning, weight-loss, affected sleep kind of pain. The walking wounded. Those would include filing and having the divorce become final, a general 'letting go' of the self-pity and loathing and some very good advice that suggested I look at and judge at the actions of my ex as I would any other person; not as my wife. I guess that's another way of saying, let go of the expectations. The first time I went out with another woman and had a good time probably should be included. That not only brought some much needed external validation, but reminded me that it's a great big world out there. I had my ex on such a pedestal. There are people far more worthy of that. ...I don't know if it's actually pain but maybe more 'what it could have been'. Normally it's wrapped around my now adult daughter. I was pretty good when she was growing up but now that she's such a wonderful person in her own right I sometimes feel this sadness that what we wanted so much together I did alone. Wow, that's expressed really well. I feel this and probably will for the rest of my life. Children just don't 'go away' like negative feelings we can work on. Not only am I divided, but so are they. I almost feel guilty typing 'it's not fair' but it really, really isn't. I so much wish (and try to encourage) that straying or soon-to-be partners look ahead and consider the long term damage their actions cause. Not that I really need it, but I am grateful for the respect of my children and appreciate their backing that I made the right decisions regarding their mother. I'm also proud of them for not hating her. For them, the whole mess was a front row seat to the train wreck people can make of their lives. Here's hoping they live and learn. 1
Owl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 There was no day that I can point out and say "I didn't hurt that day" and it stayed that way. It lessens over time. It's like the scar comparison someone made earlier...when your scars are healing, is there a day, or a specific point where you can say "it's gone"? Even with those scars that DO go away over time...there's no single point where you can look at it and say "yep, today was the day it went away". The pain lessens over time, and as you repair and rebuild the relationship (if you do). Eventually it lessens to the point where you stop noticing it...even when something reminds you of the event itself. Timeline wise for me...the first year was the worst. The second year was much better, but the anniversaries were often setbacks. The third year was when I can really say I'd stopped paying attention to it...and at some point after that was when I was "healed". Sorry I can't put it any more precisely than that. 3
drifter777 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I'm really referring more to the acute pain that come about when you first find out your spouse has cheated...that pain is horrible, and so many on here question when things will begin to feel better for them...this pain permeates pretty much every facet of your life...you don't eat, can't sleep, feel like you're going to burst into tears, can't concentrate, and it can take pretty much everything you have just to keep it together... That pain almost always lessens...it has to, as people need to go on in their life and be able to function, for better or worse I know that for some people, the pain will always be there, but maybe at a tolerable level...and for most, myself included, there will always be a pang of sadness, etc. when one thinks about the affair... Ok, I think I understand what you are asking. I guess it's the "stop" thing that bothered me. Maybe something like "when did it start getting easier".
beenburned Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Yes, there will always be a quiet sadness that this is forever a small part of our long history together. But you have to let all the positive things that have happened over many years be the focus of your future together. Just because someone divorced a cheating spouse does NOT guaranty their future spouse/SO won't also cheat on them. Nor does it guaranty they will be any happier with their new spouse/SO than they were with the first spouse. 3
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 For me, it was PTSD! I deeply loved my H. And, as a former journalist who made their livelihood from their observations, I did not have a clue. That turned my world upside down: a H I loved who betrayed me, and not being able to trust my perceptions of my own reality for YEARS. The first year I was numb and oh, so emotional and tearful or angry. The second year, oh boy, the anger came up from my toes and my rage and resentment forced me to leave the house and stay in hotels to spare my family from this rage I could not control when triggered. Somewhere around 3.5 years, I turned a corner and felt like the roller coaster was stopping.I have no idea why. The passing of time? Today, five years later, I am at peace. It took a full five years for my emotions to run their PTSD cycle and come back to my initial, logical rational blink after dday: THIS AFFAIR had nothing to with me, our marriage, our sex life, our friendship or our emotional health. I WRACKED my head and my heart, as all BSs do, to see what I had done wrong or what I could have done differently. Absolutely nothing. If he was that unhappy, he never once expressed it directly to me. As the affair began, he started to find fault with me and the marriage. As the affair progressed, I couldn't do a damn thing right, but when I asked, was always told NOTHING was wrong as he moved a million distant emotional miles away. I begged to go to counseling together. He refused, because NOTHING was wrong. But nothing was right either. He WAS depressed, anxious, but not communicating any of it to me. Raising three teens and working, I HAD to keep going for all of us. We all chalked it up to job stress. So, fives years later, my emotions finally caught up with my initial blink. Maybe because I am sensitive with the memory of an elephant? Could be. It had nothing to with me or us. It was two needy, broken, and vulnerable people who crashed into each other and had an affair. Despite was was said, or what was done, they would have lasted 6 months in real time, if that. Affairs are a fantasy, a delusion. It is not what is best about the two AP; it is the worst, weakest, neediest, most pathological parts of their personalities projected white-washed onto easch other. It is a sow's ears dressed up as a new, shiny silk purse. 3
Author frozensprouts Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 I had an opportunity yesterday to see just how much better I am feeling... Someone who knows both me and "the other woman" ( but not what happened) told me a few things about the other woman's very recent behavior that were very negative and have had some very negative effects on her personal and professional life... I didn't think " what comes around goes around" , instead i felt kind of sorry for her and also indifferent. I got no sense of " poetic justice" at all from it... i admit there was a time when i would have felt differently... 1
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