To him

[wanting more]

I sit here and think about our past. It's so hard to say past. *I always thought you'd be part of my present and future. There were so many great times. *You made me feel loved and appreciated and sexy and wanted. *We had all of our own "inside" jokes. *You'd see me and your eyes would light up and I couldn't get the smile off my face. You'd always tell me how you loved watching me walk in a room. *You'd surprise me with these great gifts. I wish now you wouldn't have had such great taste in jewelry and clothes and purses. *I can't count the times we'd go away and you'd make sure the rooms had a balcony so we could have pizza and wine by moonlight. There were so many romantic times. *There were a many laid back times. *Fun times. *Happy times. *I never lied to you about my feelings. I never held back. *I never hid them. You knew how much I loved you. *I thought you loved me. *You said it many times. You showed me you loved me. *You made me very happy. I really thought you'd always be part of my life. *My friend, my lover, the man in my life. **Then one day you broke everything inside me. *How could you have done that? *How could the man I loved, and thought loved me, throw me out like a piece of trash? *How could you have looked me in my eyes and lied to me? *I sit so many times wondering how was I sooo wrong about you? How could i have been so naive? And now I'm left with all these questions in my mind that I know will never be answered. *And with all my pain, I know now how much pain Ive caused your wife, your family. So much hurt we've both caused, and for nothing, except regret. I try to imagine if you wouldve gotten in touch with me, would I still hurt like this? *Would you calling and apologizing to me for all the lies make this a little easier to get thru? To maybe acknowledge that you do love *me, but realize you love your W more? *Or will one day I realize it was best you never tried to contact me so that it would be easier to move on. Once again I don't know. *I do know that with each day that passes I do get stronger. *I am growing from this and trying to forgive myself for this mistake. *They say closure is over rated and maybe so. *But I do sit sometimes and wonder if you really did have feelings for me? *Did you love me but when forced to look at the A vs your M realized your M was what you always wanted. *I'm all for realizing when something is really really important to you, but I just wish my heart being broken wouldn't have been the price for you to realize that. I know these questions will never be answered, and at one point in the future (hopefully very near future) it won't even matter to me. *But along with a broken heart, a wondering mind is hard to deal with. *And my heart is also confused on how I can have such bad feelings for someone I love so much.

[AnotherRound]

I'm guessing that you aren't really looking for replies here, but I wanted to thank you for sharing this. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who writes things out like this, and I'm hoping you find it as therapeutic as I do.

 

I'm not super aware of your story - how long ago did the affair end? How did it end? If you don't want to answer, I understand...

 

Hope you have a great day today and that the writing this out helped.

[wanting more]

I'm guessing that you aren't really looking for replies here, but I wanted to thank you for sharing this. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who writes things out like this, and I'm hoping you find it as therapeutic as I do.

 

I'm not super aware of your story - how long ago did the affair end? How did it end? If you don't want to answer, I understand...

 

Hope you have a great day today and that the writing this out helped.

 

I've learned writing it out and putting it here or just sending it to myself does help me a lot.

3 yr A ended about 6 weeks ago after 2nd d-day.

[AnotherRound]

I've learned writing it out and putting it here or just sending it to myself does help me a lot.

3 yr A ended about 6 weeks ago after 2nd d-day.

 

Still really fresh I'm sorry you are hurting, but glad that you have found something that eases that. Did he just stop all contact? No explanation? I can't answer for him, but I can tell you why my exMM decided to at least try to reconcile, if that would be helpful at all. Not that their situations would be the "same", but exMM and I have talked extensively about his decisions since the divorce filing and it has given me a lot of insight into why he has handled some things the way he has. Glad to share if you want... I won't have PM privileges for a bit yet... but just let me know if it would be helpful in your processing.

 

Again - hoping you have a great day, and thank you for sharing something so personal.

[wanting more]

Yes still fresh but I do feel better every day. Thank you for your responses.

[RickFox]

Wrote something very similar to xmw, Thank GOD I never sent it though. Keep on truckin'

[wanting more]

I have lurked a long time and I remember your long thread about apologizing to his wife. I was rooting for you that you would. It was what she deserved. It was best for you too because it gave you back your dignity. There's no dignity in not having a consencience for the pain we've caused but there is in a sincere and unqualified apology.

 

Sorry to digress I just wanted to say I see where you're coming from. And its a great outlet to post here instead of to him. I applaud that. I see you are gradually coming to terms with both your own disappointment and the pain you (plural) have caused his wife.

 

I guess I just thought one thing in your post I might be able to "answer"…or at least shed light on. Why does he not at least say he loved you just not enough? Why does he not apologize for not following through on his promises?

 

I can put myself in his wife's shoes probably more than you can so I hope you won't mind my giving my opinion on why he wouldn't?

 

Because he looks in her eyes every morning and every meal and every bedtime and he sees her hurt and pain. Because he knows he caused it. And he loves her and he wants her. And he has a life to rebuild with her. There is just no room to consider you if that is the case. I know OW call that "being thrown under a bus" but honestly - from the wife's perspective, from the WH perspective? What kind of a man says to his wife "honey I love you and I want to fix this and I only want to be with you and no one else but gee can you wait while I apologize to my OW?" I mean what kind of heel woudl do that? Wasn't the affair bad enough?

 

I know its been said that after all the pain a wife endures in betrayal its somehow not that much more to have him apologize to the OW but to me it was huge. He considered her and trampled on me for 6 months. No more. Either be all in or I can't handle it. And being all in means that the OW is not a consideration. Unless he's going to leave for her then I should have him wholly and completely (as he should have been all along). I don't mean as a possession, I know people will jump on the language. I mean being 100% emotionally available, invested and present. Which he simply couldn't be if he was apologizing or explaining to the OW.

 

I don't know if that insight helps explain it at all - but whatever bad things you think about him for what he did to you - if you knew he was married you kind of let yourself be in that position. She didn't. So whatever bad things you think of him - he would be way worse a person if he was apologizing to you while saying he wanted to reconcile with his wife. That would be cruel to her after all the cruelty already and frankly I really think it would be cruel to you too. Moving on doesn't start with wistful mushy feelings in a debrief. I hate to say it but my first teen boyfriend was right that a clean break is best. I wish I'd been mature enough at 19 to see that he was right.

 

If this man is as wonderful as you thought he was in the affair - and clearly he can't be *as* wonderful but if he has some part of that - then that is why he's not calling. Because a wonderful man who made a false step and is now remorseful for what he has done to his wife doesn't act that way. So in a way you should probably think better of him for NOT calling you. Perverse though that might seem.

 

I didn't mean to go so long. I am NOT knocking you. Honest. I have journalled terrible things I've felt. I've journalled anger so strong it scared me to re-read it. But it would still be there if I hadn't let it out. So its good you're letting it out here. I didn't mean to criticize that I just wanted to try to explain why one of the things you're having trouble to understand seems so obviously explicable from my POV.

 

Please post if you are offended and I'll ask the mods to delete it. I didn't mean any offense.

 

Not offended at all. I do take your words to heart. And I have thought like you said that it's probably good he hasnt said anything to me. I hope and know one day I'll get over this. I'll be stronger and never put myself in this position again. Thank you for your response.

[wanting more]

Wrote something very similar to xmw, Thank GOD I never sent it though. Keep on truckin'

 

I think yours and my stories are very similar. Im truckin along!! Same to you

[Summer Breeze]

While I get your point from a BS's view, I can see where you are coming from but I don't necessarily agree with it.

 

However......I realize many BS's want and need for the WS to hate the ow but I seriously have to question why a BS can't or won't deal with a WS regretting that he hurt another woman. Fact is........2 women were hurt. If a man can't acknowledge that, then perhaps he is truly a sociopath. Who the hell want's a sociopath.......not me, and I would think a wife wouldn't want one either.

 

Also if I ws feels that but can't acknowledge it to his wife, that isn't a basis for getting honest and down to the nitty gritty either, which doesn't seem productive for a good marriage going forward either.

 

Maybe some of it is wrapped up in if a bs sees her husband as the victim of a ow or not.

 

I want to concur Redhead. Your post was lovely and I respect everything you say but I don't necessarily agree with it.

 

LG just put all of the words swirling around in my head in perfect order. Thanks LG!

[MissBee]

While I get your point from a BS's view, I can see where you are coming from but I don't necessarily agree with it.

 

However......I realize many BS's want and need for the WS to hate the ow but I seriously have to question why a BS can't or won't deal with a WS regretting that he hurt another woman. Fact is........2 women were hurt. If a man can't acknowledge that, then perhaps he is truly a sociopath. Who the hell want's a sociopath.......not me, and I would think a wife wouldn't want one either.

 

Also if I ws feels that but can't acknowledge it to his wife, that isn't a basis for getting honest and down to the nitty gritty either, which doesn't seem productive for a good marriage going forward either.

 

Maybe some of it is wrapped up in if a bs sees her husband as the victim of a ow or not.

 

I must agree.

 

I would be very worried and more upset if my WS decided to treat the OW badly or hate her. I would think him completely juvenile for that, since he chose to be with her in some capacity and wasn't a victim of her, therefore him doing that would make me see him as juvenile and not taking responsibility for his own actions.

 

I would be able to respect him a lot more if he ended it with a decent letter or something and apologized before we attempted to move on with a clean slate. Him hating her makes absolutely no sense to me. If you chose to be with her, sold her promises etc. then that is on you too and not her fault. YOU played with fire and got burned. I would also be suspicious about if he is merely pretending to hate her as an extreme tactic to "fool" me. I think I'd believe his sincerity more if he could be civil towards her and then end that chapter. Just like as the OW, I'd have even less respect for a man who speaks ill of his spouse. You chose to marry and be with her...so why do that? Do you think it will make me like you more and believe you love me more if you hate your wife? It doesn't .

 

But perhaps it is a personality type. Some OW only feel secure and loved if they feel the MM hates his wife and some BS's can only feel loved and secure if their WS hates the OW. I jive with neither of these orientations.

[eleanorrigby]

For a while after d-day I really wanted him to hate her as much as I did. I felt this need for us to be a united front against her for a while.

But on the other hand, had he been an ******* to her and I witnessed it, I wouldn't have respected that and even though it would have comforted me at the time, I would have come to wonder about that when my pain had lessened.

 

I'm just glad that when he made his decision he gave me the respect of never mentioning her to me again unless I brought it up and needed to talk. I supported him initially with his pain, but then he was good enough to suck it up and help me with mine after a while.

[Decorative]

I think indifference is a far better goal than hate. Hate takes energy.

[wanting more]

She did something awful to his wife and she apologized, no excuses. What would a good husband do to anyone who hurt his wife? He'd say f@ck them.

 

 

 

You kinda had me till you said that.

[BetrayedH]

I don't want to wade into an argument that I'm not terribly passionate about but as a BS, I will just reinforce that I had no care or concern whatsoever for what pain occurred due to the "breakup" between my W and the OM. If my W wanted to reconcile, NC was a requirement. I will say that I did permit her to handle her closure of it on her own (didn't require or compose a NC letter) but in my severely upset state, all I really cared about was my W making her choice and following thru or she could head out the door. The OM had no business in my M, period. I didn't hate him but I had no sympathy whatsoever for any pain either of them felt. It was about me establishing a boundary of what was acceptable to me in order to continue the marriage. The OM knew the risks and would have to live with his consequences. My W had a choice, she made it, and frankly, she didn't complain about it. She told me it was a reasonable and perfectly understandable requirement if she wanted to stay married to me. I honestly mean no offense to anyone. Just sharing my state of mind as a BS at the time and how it unfolded with us in hopes of it helping others to get what happens at another corner of the triangle.

[wanting more]

I don't want to wade into an argument that I'm not terribly passionate about but as a BS, I will just reinforce that I had no care or concern whatsoever for what pain occurred due to the "breakup" between my W and the OM. If my W wanted to reconcile, NC was a requirement. I will say that I did permit her to handle her closure of it on her own (didn't require or compose a NC letter) but in my severely upset state, all I really cared about was my W making her choice and following thru or she could head out the door. The OM had no business in my M, period. I didn't hate him but I had no sympathy whatsoever for any pain either of them felt. It was about me establishing a boundary of what was acceptable to me in order to continue the marriage. The OM knew the risks and would have to live with his consequences. My W had a choice, she made it, and frankly, she didn't complain about it. She told me it was a reasonable and perfectly understandable requirement if she wanted to stay married to me. I honestly mean no offense to anyone. Just sharing my state of mind as a BS at the time and how it unfolded with us in hopes of it helping others to get what happens at another corner of the triangle.

 

I understand the NC being a condition of the BS for R. I do understand xMM going NC I understand and accept that it is what it is. I've accepted I have questions that will never be answered. It is hard as a FOW to think "does he hate me?". "did he have any feelings for me?". I know ( or really hope) one day the answers won't matter. Some days are tougher than others and I guess this one.

[wanting more]

After everything BW called me after d-day, it would take a WHOLE LOT to offend me.

[mercy]

After everything BW called me after d-day, it would take a WHOLE LOT to offend me.

 

Just because she said it doesn't make it so.

 

You know who and what you are.

 

Beautiful person that you are!

[seren]

WM, you may not realise it, but you are probably going through stages of grief and loss. I understand that you were told one thing and then experienced another and then it all turned on its head, leaving you wonder WTF. I do think you should have had closure and at least an explanation of why it ended so abruptly and so horribly.

 

I think everyone deserves closure, even if it isn't how or what we (general) expected, liked or can accept, it at least allows for the next stage of healing. I think your posts changed so much from your early posts and it is obvious from you post here, that you are puzzling, searching for answers and trying to match up what was said by how he acted. I am sorry that you may never understand and while redheaded dumpling has given you her perspective and one which I think is probably true for most reconciling relationships, at this time, the only thing that would really help you IRL, is closure from the MM.

 

I also think that any contact at this stage is too late, maybe not, only you can know that. I think at one point anger directed at the MM will surface, this is healthy, we all have anger for those who hurt us. Writing a journal helped me when I was hurt and searching for answers, I promised myself I would burn it when I felt I had turned a corner and I did and when I did it felt like a whole great big weight had shifted. There will come a time when you can do this, I hope, for you, that it is sooner rather than later. Take very good care of you xx Seren

[BetrayedH]

Nothing at all wrong with what you did or the way you felt, but do you mind if I ask you something.

 

If your wife had sent a NC letter, short, curt and to the point, if she had included in it, I'm sorry that our actions created pain for all, you included. Would that have greatly upset you? Just that one simple apology.

 

I gave my wife 90 days to no longer work with the OM (and he was her boss) if she wanted to remain married to me. I did also say that I wanted her to have no physical contact, no emotional/personal conversations and NC for life once one of them left. No, a letter wouldn't have mattered to me. My wife's decision to recommit to the M was my concern. The OM had her for one year of my M. I had the 18 prior and wanted the next 18.

 

The 90 days ended up being a stupid idea because I gradually lost my mind about them together while I was at work but he did leave within the 90 days and we continued reconciling for another 4 months after.

[AnotherRound]

This is an interesting thread. I think the OP deserves to have some closure, but also know that she may not get it in this situation. I have learned over the years that when I can't get the closure needed from someone else (ie death of my Mom), that I just have to find my own closure. It's not easy to do, but it's absolutely doable - even without the input or feedback of the other person.

 

Ideally, we would all have nice and clean breaks, but realistically that just doesn't always happen. I will say, with my exMM, I great admire and respect the fact that he called me and came to my house in person to talk to me about the divorce and the fact that he wanted to try to reconcile with his stbxw. He didn't have to as I had broken up with him a year prior to that, but he did. I don't know how his stbxw felt or thought about that, but the fact that he acknowledged that what he and I had was important, and that my feelings were important, did not in any way negate what he was trying to do re his marriage, imo.

 

He was taking responsibility for hurting her - but also taking responsibility for hurting me (not directly, but by having an affair with me for so many years). He was acknowledging that he hurt a few people - not just the stbxw or himself. And he was admitting that all of the relationships he had engaged in were important to him.

 

For me, if he had denied that any other relationship was important, or that he needed to grieve it, I'm not sure how I could respect him. If he had engaged in affairs for "no reason" and those relationships didn't mean anything to him - that seems FAR worse to me than engaging for love. That he would hurt anyone (not that his stbxw was hurt) for "nothing" or something that didn't mean anything would be a huge issue for me.

 

He told me when he was here that he came in person out of respect for me and for our relationship. Although I didn't "need" that, I was appreciative and respected that. Taking responsibility for your actions sometimes means being uncomfortable and looking in the eyes of every person you hurt - not just one of them. We cried together that night, and said our goodbyes so that he could focus on what he thought was the right thing to do - and then he did. I think he handled it beautifully, others might disagree.

 

OP - maybe you could look up some exercises on closure when you have to do it by yourself. It's much harder sometimes, but can be done very effectively. Most everyone wants closure, no matter what side of this triangle they are on. Denying someone else's closure bc of insecurity or jealousy is, imo, childish and denying reality. A person who is hurting that cannot recognize the hurt in others bc they are blinded by their own hurt - lacks compassion, and that's something I have a really hard time respecting.

[wanting more]

WM, you may not realise it, but you are probably going through stages of grief and loss. I understand that you were told one thing and then experienced another and then it all turned on its head, leaving you wonder WTF. I do think you should have had closure and at least an explanation of why it ended so abruptly and so horribly.

 

I think everyone deserves closure, even if it isn't how or what we (general) expected, liked or can accept, it at least allows for the next stage of healing. I think your posts changed so much from your early posts and it is obvious from you post here, that you are puzzling, searching for answers and trying to match up what was said by how he acted. I am sorry that you may never understand and while redheaded dumpling has given you her perspective and one which I think is probably true for most reconciling relationships, at this time, the only thing that would really help you IRL, is closure from the MM.

 

I also think that any contact at this stage is too late, maybe not, only you can know that. I think at one point anger directed at the MM will surface, this is healthy, we all have anger for those who hurt us. Writing a journal helped me when I was hurt and searching for answers, I promised myself I would burn it when I felt I had turned a corner and I did and when I did it felt like a whole great big weight had shifted. There will come a time when you can do this, I hope, for you, that it is sooner rather than later. Take very good care of you xx Seren

 

Thank you. It probably is to late for any kind of contact. I think the biggest thing for me to get over is just the wondering if I meant anything to him. I know most people say that when the A comes out and the WS is forced to look at their feelings they do realize how much they do love their BS. I know he loves her. They have ALOT of years together. Id just like to know that I did mean something. An im sorry or an apology from him for making me look like he crazy obsessed person doesn't matter to me, I know I'm not. I guess after 3 years is like to hear him say "I'm sorry I hurt you"

[wanting more]

Just because she said it doesn't make it so.

 

You know who and what you are.

 

Beautiful person that you are!

 

 

Thank you. It is getting better everyday. It's been 6 weeks!!! And I'm still alive and breathing!!!!!

[JamesM]

I wanted to offer my sympathy and hope you start feeling better. It is hard when someone plays with your emotions and then "dumps" you with no concern.

 

However, as a guy who is not an OM or a WS or a BS...but as a guy who has considered the idea of an affair, let me offer some insight.

 

I would say that if he is as good of a guy as you say he is, then he does want to give you closure and talk this out with you. He is hurting for you and I doubt his love disappeared overnight. Those three years meant alot to him and he wasn't simply using you as a toy to be discarded when he no longer had interest in you.

 

But he is in a predicament.

 

He decided to work on his marriage either for his kids (I need to read your complete story yet) or because he decided he wants his wife. Part of that is to go NC with you. This is not because he no longer loves you, but he must prioritize to whom he will show love. If he came and talked with you, then it is possible that he would go back to you, since his love for you and his feelings are so strong yet.

 

He could write a letter or email, but his wife may think he still wants to be with you. He has a huge issue of trust with her, and part of that is to be completely open with her. If she gave her permission to contact you and make you feel better, then he would. But from the words of other BSs here, this would not go over well.

 

So while you sit there hurting wondering if he ever felt love for you, he sits there in a huge turmoil hurting for his wife, himself, and for you. The decision he made is difficult. The affair became more than just a fling. It was a three year love for you. While he hurt his wife deeply and he knows it, he also must carry the guilt of knowing that he hurt you deeply...and can do nothing about it except hope you will be okay. He would love to come and hug you as he did before, but he has made his choice.

 

I feel for you and wish that you could find comfort in knowing that his love for you was genuine and didn't disappear with his decision to stay. The words he spoke were not all lies. He meant them. It is that he now realizes where his priorities must lie and his decision is made.

 

You are in a sense another innocent party whose life was torn apart by a man who probably started this affair out of selfishness but ended up realizing that he loved two women.

 

I don't know if any of this helped, but I hope you do move on and find someone who can devote all of his life to you.

[JamesM]

I am going to change some of my comments after reading your past threads.

 

He is more selfish than I gave him credit for. I don't doubt that he loved you and may still love you, but he loves himself more. I also am certain that his wife is trying to make you the "bad guy" in all of this as a way to understand why her husband would do this to her. If she can convince herself that he was a helpless victim to the wiles of a persuasive woman, then she can better reconcile his actions. If she had to face the fact, which she knows to be true inside, that he chose to cheat on her for whatever reason, then her pain would be unbearable.

 

I feel for her, too. One guy turned the world of two families upside down and perhaps partially ruined the lives of the children.

[Stephanie]

Let's keep this on topic and civil please.