First year marriage problem

[Real2Real]

Hello,

Have been reading lots of post and wondering how many people go through realationship hell, but could not find a way through my particural hell.

 

In short.

Me 31 she 30 years old. We have been together for 4 years. As in all stories very nice relationship in the beggining and minor misundertandings during whole relationship. Both of us carrer people, but always been spending time together, travelling, etc. No kids. Me 31 she 30 years old. Not so much friends only us. She wanted me to marry all these years and have kids, i didnt hurry, and had lots of exuses, had an affair, but bymyself decided to stop and chose to stay with her of course she new that but "understood" everything and time passed. When we came to the point wehere we felt alone at home, just living for living, no passion, no intimate life etc.

 

And I decided to propose. She accepted and we began to plan wedding.

At the same moment i left manager post in financial institution and began to work privately, hard times came from financial side. After 10 days, one evening she came and said that she has OM and doesnt want to be with me and moved all belongings from my appartment.

 

Was paynful period. During month i have been going crazy but communicated a lot with her parents, church etc. her and she got back

Finally after two months we married.

 

After marriage two weeks later she said that she doesnt want to be together and moved out with belongings to her place. And for two months we have been separate and with very little contact, actually i have been sending smses to update how i live, what i do etc.

 

Surprisingly during my birthday i invited her and she came for dinner we had chat etc. nice time. I made some ultimatums and after few days she came back with belongings to my place.

 

Later we had nice vocation trip and everything went smoothly. She communicated that she only want to be with me etc.

 

Month passed and i checked her phone were i found OM sms with love

communication etc. I believe that details not interesting for you.

Checked email and found out that OM is financially unstable and that is why she is unsure.

 

Well we had really huge word fight which i initiated and after few days of no sleep she left. I begged, cried etc... well during that time it seemed that it was best way... now i know that i was wrong, very wrong...

 

She asked me never contact her and to forget about everything. And went no contact. I agreed and during month we had no contact at all, she contact me first because she wanted to come get some belongings.

Till that day i have already read lots of literature and came to conclusion that best way to cope with this situation is let go, and i agreed to divorce and communicated it to her. From that moment no contact from both sides.

 

From perpective of common sences story sounds a little bit strange and only one way. Move on and forget everything.

 

Tried. With lots of girls. Have no problem here but came to conclusion that she was/is my second half.. and dont want to loose it.

 

Now it seems that best way to get back is to loose.

 

I would like to know your opinion on this question.

Please ask questions and ill explain more deeply if it will help.

 

Not writing how it is paynful etc. it is obvious.

 

Thank you in advance!

[SuperGeek]

Don't waste your damn time. Stop sending her texts, calling, email, smoke signals, telepathy. SHE IS WITH ANOTHER MAN ALREADY. What do you think they are doing together? Just baking chicken? Give you just one guess what they are doing at night. SHE MOVED OUT... which means she is done with you.

 

Simply just move on and date another girl. Yes i know it sucks, but she's already with another guy. Can you honestly see yourself with this girl long term (i.e. life) that has already been caught with another guy ? She can't be trusted AT ALL. GET RID OF HER A$$.

 

i know this is hard for you and it is probably painful, but at least you found this out now and you've only been married a few months. Get the divorce going immediately. Call a lawyer tomorrow and get the process rolling.

 

If you don't have kids you have been spared my friend. Get out now before she destroys your life even more. You can get out of this thing with a simple divorce and walk away clean. If you stick around that won't be the case.

 

Remember, she left YOU.... she's already thrown the first punch. Marriage is about experiencing life together through good and bad times. Well you're going through a rough time financially and she bails? She ain't worth it.

 

CALL A LAWYER ASAP.

 

SuperGeek

[tojaz]

Hi Real2Real and welcome to LS, sorry to see you have need of its services.

 

Now it seems that best way to get back is to loose.

 

 

It seems we have a bit of a language barrier and I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you mean by the above statement, can you please explain?

 

TOJAZ

[GuyInLimbo]

Sorry to read about your situation. Bottom line: way too many red flags, even before you got married. Forget about her and move on with your life NOW. There's nothing to even discuss about "what ifs."

[Real2Real]

Hi Real2Real and welcome to LS, sorry to see you have need of its services.

 

 

 

It seems we have a bit of a language barrier and I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you mean by the above statement, can you please explain?

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes my native language not English and I am from Europe. Same **** happens here.

 

I ment best way to get back her is to go full no contact and initiate divorce by myself. If she makes up her mind well discussion possible if not everything will be done...

[Real2Real]

Don't waste your damn time. Stop sending her texts, calling, email, smoke signals, telepathy. SHE IS WITH ANOTHER MAN ALREADY. What do you think they are doing together? Just baking chicken? Give you just one guess what they are doing at night. SHE MOVED OUT... which means she is done with you.

 

Simply just move on and date another girl. Yes i know it sucks, but she's already with another guy. Can you honestly see yourself with this girl long term (i.e. life) that has already been caught with another guy ? She can't be trusted AT ALL. GET RID OF HER A$$.

 

i know this is hard for you and it is probably painful, but at least you found this out now and you've only been married a few months. Get the divorce going immediately. Call a lawyer tomorrow and get the process rolling.

 

If you don't have kids you have been spared my friend. Get out now before she destroys your life even more. You can get out of this thing with a simple divorce and walk away clean. If you stick around that won't be the case.

 

Remember, she left YOU.... she's already thrown the first punch. Marriage is about experiencing life together through good and bad times. Well you're going through a rough time financially and she bails? She ain't worth it.

 

CALL A LAWYER ASAP.

 

SuperGeek

 

 

SuperGeek thank you for your opinion.

Common sence dictates what you are saying.

But maybe i am crazy or out of reality still believing that we can work out from zero, only it takes time.

 

I started this mess, she took revenge 1:1. Or i am waiting for miracle?

[GuyInLimbo]

SuperGeek thank you for your opinion.

Common sence dictates what you are saying.

But maybe i am crazy or out of reality still believing that we can work out from zero, only it takes time.

 

I started this mess, she took revenge 1:1. Or i am waiting for miracle?

 

You're asking for a miracle. Way too much damage has been done. Even if you guys were together for 20 years, I'd probably give the same advice.

[tojaz]

Yes my native language not English and I am from Europe. Same **** happens here.

 

I ment best way to get back her is to go full no contact and initiate divorce by myself. If she makes up her mind well discussion possible if not everything will be done...

 

Same **** happens all around the world I'm sorry to say. NC is a good choice for you right now, if for no other reason then to keep you from doing something impulsively that you would rather not.

 

I have never seen the logic behind initiating a divorce someone didn't want so i would suggest you keep that plan under wraps for now, but it would be a safe idea to talk to someone to be sure your interest are protected incase she decides to spring something on you.

 

So, In your opinion, what has been at the heart of the troubles between you? It sounds like things have been rocky for a while.

 

TOJAZ

[riverratt]

I have never seen the logic behind initiating a divorce someone didn't want

 

Oops,,I initiated my divorce when I didn't really want it..She was clear about what she wanted so I figured I would do the last thing I could do as a husband and give her what she wanted and paid the bill. It has actually been the "closure" I needed.

[kae]

Have you tried praying to God?? Its God covenant. Try!!

 

Leave her alone. if you push her, you`ll PUSH her.

[Real2Real]

Oops,,I initiated my divorce when I didn't really want it..She was clear about what she wanted so I figured I would do the last thing I could do as a husband and give her what she wanted and paid the bill. It has actually been the "closure" I needed.

 

 

 

Did it actually helped? Or later on when time passed you have been thinking about that over and over?

[Real2Real]

Same **** happens all around the world I'm sorry to say. NC is a good choice for you right now, if for no other reason then to keep you from doing something impulsively that you would rather not.

 

I have never seen the logic behind initiating a divorce someone didn't want so i would suggest you keep that plan under wraps for now, but it would be a safe idea to talk to someone to be sure your interest are protected incase she decides to spring something on you.

 

So, In your opinion, what has been at the heart of the troubles between you? It sounds like things have been rocky for a while.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Agree NC is good to clear mind, prepare for logical thinking and good for other side too. Still i know that i am not ready for any kind of conversation with her because feelings inside are burning, takes lots of time.

 

Because of divorce. I fully agree with you that I should not do what i dont want to, but let me explain why I am thinking like this.

 

During whole year of this mess I have been not cosistent. Saying to her that I want to her to leave because of OM and few days later running after and comminicating to get back.

 

So last time when I said that I want divorce. She got scared. That it is serious. It seems that it is a game for her.

I do have her family support, sounds strange but she has no support there on this question. Her mother, father, brother pushes her to think logically not emotionally. Maybe they are trying to win some time, i dunno.

 

I know it from myself when hormons think instead of brain it is difficult.

 

About rocky time and heart of troubles.

Yes you are right it always been a little bit rocky, but we kinda liked it. Both of us strong personalities. With lots of attention from other people. Independent financially one from another, good education etc. Good friends. Similar hobies. With strong beliefs and opinion.

 

But the heart of everything I think was my cool down in the beggining.

I have got into affair and it killed her emotions, and she began to wait secretly for revenge. It is mainly TRUST issue.

 

Once we had productive conversation on this. When i asked can we work out it she said yes but it takes time and reminded me that when i had affair and all years she has been waiting for me, so know if i want i should wait for her...

 

Later on she explained that she burnedout from inside when she wanted marriage and kids i didnt wanted, when time came to me she already changed her mind.

[Real2Real]

You're asking for a miracle. Way too much damage has been done. Even if you guys were together for 20 years, I'd probably give the same advice.

 

 

Thank you for your opinion. I value it.

True i am asking for miracle or maybe i am too selfconfident, just during that mess i forgot about it.

As i understood you generally againts making up? If things go bad it is better to close the door, heal, learn and get new sheet of paper with OW?

[Real2Real]

Have you tried praying to God?? Its God covenant. Try!!

 

Leave her alone. if you push her, you`ll PUSH her.

 

 

kae. Yes i did. Actually a year ago when everything started, before we married and she left.

First thing what i did i paniced... I did not knew what to do, no sleep, no food nothing. Just falling dawn from cliff without knowing when that free fall will end.

 

That time i did not believed in god. I have been materialistic son of b...

 

So i decided to visit church to calm down, first time in 30 years by myself.

I went i i met monk waiting for me! Incredible and actually miracle.

 

I came to him and I said I need to talk and help. He said that he was waiting for me. Since that moment we have been meeting lots of times and I call him my soul doctor. Strange that he is ex EMBA and been working for big financial institution too... so many quinsidences.

 

 

Yes. I pray. And that is why i dont wont to give up. As my soul doctor said if you tried 3 months it is nothing, try harder make it a year. Time, time and patience.

 

About pushing. I pushed so hard and regret that i did. At that moment i thought that it was best way to deal with situation...

[tojaz]

I understand what your trying to do by initiating divorce, and yes sometimes it works, but more often then not it will backfire on you. Especially when there is a third party whispering in her ear.

 

she said yes but it takes time and reminded me that when i had affair and all years she has been waiting for me, so know if i want i should wait for her...

 

Based on that statement, I see why you say its revenge. Revenge isn't as much about trust as it is about resentment. If shes really just doing this just to punish you, then thats not a healthy dynamic you want in your marriage... regardless of how you got there, and now is the time to change that.

 

While I don't suggest filing for divorce, I do suggest you move on for now. Not in a romantic sense, but don't let your life stall out so you can "wait" for her. Do your thing, and let her do hers until she actually wants to work on things in a healthy manner and OM is out of the picture.

 

If counseling is an option for you, it can be a great help during this process.

 

TOJAZ

Edited October 4, 2012 by tojaz

[SuperGeek]

While I don't suggest filing for divorce, I do suggest you move on for now. Not in a romantic sense, but don't let your life stall out so you can "wait" for her. Do your thing, and let her do hers until she actually wants to work on things in a healthy manner and OM is out of the picture.

 

Why stay married to someone that is already moved out and boinking someone else? I just don't understand the logic in that at ALL.

 

Usually in these situations it's the actions and not the words that indicate true feelings. She's GONE, she's with someone else. What else is left to salvage?

 

Personally, I would have filed the divorce the day she walked out the door.

 

SuperGeek

[Real2Real]

I understand what your trying to do by initiating divorce, and yes sometimes it works, but more often then not it will backfire on you. Especially when there is a third party whispering in her ear.

 

 

Based on that statement, I see why you say its revenge. Revenge isn't as much about trust as it is about resentment. If shes really just doing this just to punish you, then thats not a healthy dynamic you want in your marriage... regardless of how you got there, and now is the time to change that.

 

 

While I don't suggest filing for divorce, I do suggest you move on for now. Not in a romantic sense, but don't let your life stall out so you can "wait" for her.

 

Do your thing, and let her do hers until she actually wants to work on things in a healthy manner and OM is out of the picture.

 

 

If counseling is an option for you, it can be a great help during this process.

 

 

TOJAZ

 

-> Filling divorce

 

It was initial plan. But I began to doubt and that is why we discussing it. You are reading my mind. I believe that it will backfire. So not the tool to be used at the moment.

 

- > "Revenge"

 

You mentioned right word resentment or anger i should say.

I dont believe that she is doing it only because of this, must be "chemistry" involved. And from logical side i am happy if that anger will fade away, somehow it has to go out. As our mutual friends say you have 90% and you lack 10% personal characteristic and OM has 10% and lacks 90% characteristic which i have. But these 10% is winning for now.

 

- > Divorce

 

I agree and got your opinion which strenthens mine and few others. Wait. If she will initiate well so will be no way back and i will do that.

 

-> Dating

I am curious and trying to understand the moment about moving on and dating other women. There are at least two opinions dive straight away with ne girl and see what happens, ex should react jeleusly and try to get back or date but simply communicating, what really confuses me that every women which i meet want intimacy with me after few dates.

Can you extrapolate on this?

 

-> Give time and take mine

True.

 

-> Counceling

I am not sure. I went once to psychoanalyst. But it seems that i know more than him about relationships as far as i am reading a lot.

[Real2Real]

Why stay married to someone that is already moved out and boinking someone else? I just don't understand the logic in that at ALL.

 

Usually in these situations it's the actions and not the words that indicate true feelings. She's GONE, she's with someone else. What else is left to salvage?

 

Personally, I would have filed the divorce the day she walked out the door.

 

SuperGeek

 

I get your point SuperGeek. But if action leads to result which you actually dont want?

 

Would be nice to hear other opinion on this.

[GuyInLimbo]

Thank you for your opinion. I value it.

True i am asking for miracle or maybe i am too selfconfident, just during that mess i forgot about it.

As i understood you generally againts making up? If things go bad it is better to close the door, heal, learn and get new sheet of paper with OW?

 

In general, I'm not against it. But in a case like this, way too many bad things have happened - and nothing has shown me, from what you said, that this has ever been a stable, long-term relationship.

[Cb3657]

I've gotta ask, when you sit back and think about the future what is the ideal end state for this? If it is OM out of the picture wife back and forever faithfull, me relearning to trust her, then you have to think of what it will take to get there.

She has to 100 % want that same end state, does she? Can you believe she can dedicate herself to you over the long term when she could not for a year?

If you want to stay together you may have to live long term with a person who is not faithful by nature. That is a likely best case. If all goes well and you overcome this you will still have to live with someone who does not honor her vows if you can live with this then good for you there are stranger things happening daily.

Sit back and game this out get a few realistic options and the examine how you would feel maybe that will clarify a path forward.

I do think that doing nothing and waiting for her to come to her senses will start down a specific path where even if it ends well for you it is likely to happen again.

[riverratt]

Did it actually helped? Or later on when time passed you have been thinking about that over and over?

 

Huge weight off my shoulders..Instantly..

 

I realized I was worth more then that. Sure, I still care for her and always will but I care for myself too. I don't want this dragging on which it would have done because she doesn't seem to mind being married and messing around. I do. Am I ready to go out yet? Getting there but I would be uncomfortable with it not have even filed for divorce. I know life will go on and this is part of moving forward for me.

[tojaz]

-> Filling divorce

 

It was initial plan. But I began to doubt and that is why we discussing it. You are reading my mind. I believe that it will backfire. So not the tool to be used at the moment.

 

There are situations where that tactic has worked, and for the most part the reasoning seems sound. The problem is that often times the other party just wants a resolution so they can have the stress lifted from their shoulders. You filing makes it quick, easy, and guilt free. So I'm going to agree that it's not the right move here.

 

- > "Revenge"

 

You mentioned right word resentment or anger i should say.

I dont believe that she is doing it only because of this, must be "chemistry" involved. And from logical side i am happy if that anger will fade away, somehow it has to go out. As our mutual friends say you have 90% and you lack 10% personal characteristic and OM has 10% and lacks 90% characteristic which i have. But these 10% is winning for now.

 

Thats a very good way to look at it R2R. There are a lot of things at play besides just comparing yourself to the OM. Don't let him even be a factor, your focus needs to be on your wife and your marriage. That sounds counterintuitive, but an OM/OW is most often an opportunist who is exploiting a weakness that was already there or unaware (at least at the start) of the situation. Focusing on OM will just breed anger in you and the more focus you put on him, the more attractive he will be to her from a revenge/resentment stand point.

 

- > Divorce

 

I agree and got your opinion which strenthens mine and few others. Wait. If she will initiate well so will be no way back and i will do that.

Like I said, there is no logic in persuing a divorce you do not want. Even if for no other reason then that if she really wants to end it, then let her get her hands dirty.

 

-> Dating

I am curious and trying to understand the moment about moving on and dating other women. There are at least two opinions dive straight away with ne girl and see what happens, ex should react jeleusly and try to get back or date but simply communicating, what really confuses me that every women which i meet want intimacy with me after few dates.

Can you extrapolate on this?

I'm going to use your own words to answer this one....

Tried. With lots of girls. Have no problem here but came to conclusion that she was/is my second half.. and dont want to loose it.

If thats really the way you feel then you should act in kind. Not to mention that jumping into another relationship in an effort to fill the void left by your wife isn't fair to you, your wife, or the woman you find yourself with. Take some time to get your head on straight and do the right thing.

 

-> Counceling

I am not sure. I went once to psychoanalyst. But it seems that i know more than him about relationships as far as i am reading a lot.

 

It is not a counselors position to analyze your marriage and relationships unless it is marriage counseling and your wife is there and a willing participant. The counselor is there to help you make some sense of your own emotions and help you through a very taxing time, and possibly help to shed some light on what you may have contributed to the break down. A good independent counselor will steer the conversation away from saving the relationship and focus on your growth and well being.

 

TOJAZ

[Real2Real]

I've gotta ask, when you sit back and think about the future what is the ideal end state for this? If it is OM out of the picture wife back and forever faithfull, me relearning to trust her, then you have to think of what it will take to get there.

She has to 100 % want that same end state, does she? Can you believe she can dedicate herself to you over the long term when she could not for a year?

If you want to stay together you may have to live long term with a person who is not faithful by nature. That is a likely best case. If all goes well and you overcome this you will still have to live with someone who does not honor her vows if you can live with this then good for you there are stranger things happening daily.

Sit back and game this out get a few realistic options and the examine how you would feel maybe that will clarify a path forward.

I do think that doing nothing and waiting for her to come to her senses will start down a specific path where even if it ends well for you it is likely to happen again.

 

 

Thanks for your questions. To look at situation from other side.

 

Well perfect situation is getting back together and starting everything from zero. By forgeting what I did and now doing and what she is did and does.

 

To get to such point from emotional side is huge work... and lots of time.

But why not to try?

 

Your question is good. Can and do i want to live with unfaithfull spouse. Probably not, but i have started this mess and probably she has the same question... If me would be perfect and she only she cheated well would be easier to decide.

 

About dedication, obviously she is not dedicated she is with OM and NC for 2 months. But i want to believe that tables will change... sounds stupid?

 

--->

I do think that doing nothing and waiting for her to come to her senses will start down a specific path where even if it ends well for you it is likely to happen again.

--->

 

I am not sure, what do you mean? Please explain your thought deeper.

[Real2Real]

Huge weight off my shoulders..Instantly..

 

I realized I was worth more then that. Sure, I still care for her and always will but I care for myself too. I don't want this dragging on which it would have done because she doesn't seem to mind being married and messing around. I do. Am I ready to go out yet? Getting there but I would be uncomfortable with it not have even filed for divorce. I know life will go on and this is part of moving forward for me.

 

I get you point. I am getting out, but feels strange when you have "lugagge"... I would like to know how long everything took for you...

 

First talk about leaving... break up, seperation period, divorce.

[Real2Real]

There are situations where that tactic has worked, and for the most part the reasoning seems sound. The problem is that often times the other party just wants a resolution so they can have the stress lifted from their shoulders. You filing makes it quick, easy, and guilt free. So I'm going to agree that it's not the right move here.

 

Tojaz, by your opinion what is right move? To move on?

Live life and wait for her to begin process?

 

Thats a very good way to look at it R2R. There are a lot of things at play besides just comparing yourself to the OM. Don't let him even be a factor, your focus needs to be on your wife and your marriage. That sounds counterintuitive, but an OM/OW is most often an opportunist who is exploiting a weakness that was already there or unaware (at least at the start) of the situation. Focusing on OM will just breed anger in you and the more focus you put on him, the more attractive he will be to her from a revenge/resentment stand point.

 

You are right. If not go to details, i known which weakness is exploited. But for now i can do nothing. The grass is much greener otherthere

But i am growing my lawn too... but I dont no specifically what to do.. exersice, live my life etc. it ok i am doing that...date oher women i am doing that... seems only one way. To wait?

 

 

Like I said, there is no logic in persuing a divorce you do not want. Even if for no other reason then that if she really wants to end it, then let her get her hands dirty.

 

Agree. If she will start it she always will remember that she started it.

Of course whe can be encoured by OM...

 

I'm going to use your own words to answer this one....

 

If thats really the way you feel then you should act in kind. Not to mention that jumping into another relationship in an effort to fill the void left by your wife isn't fair to you, your wife, or the woman you find yourself with. Take some time to get your head on straight and do the right thing.

 

Tojaz youre really democtratic. And i agree that it is unfair for all sides.

But it seems that such way helps for healing... cruel but true.

 

Logically i wouldnt do that and would wait for my wife to comeback, but this logic doesnt work... I did that. And as we all know doing same thing over and over and expecting different resullt is sign of Insanity?

 

So if I would ask you straight? In my position what would you do..? Just spent time and wait? Or date 100%... or other option?