NordicStripes Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Hi all, I'm back. For those of you who kind of know my story, I'm back in therapy since Monday. Did lots of crying and I think I'll be needing plenty more sessions before I'll start to feel marginally better. Honestly, I feel depressed and angry (is that possible?) every single day, and I just can't take it anymore. Anyway, my therapist told me that my (ex) probably didn't love me anymore at the time that he started seeing the other woman and sleeping with her. Which to me felt like: on one hand, ok if you don't love someone you probably don't feel any guilt if you sleep with someone else, on the other hand: what kind of person can just fall out of love with you and then fall back in love with you two weeks later? So yesterday I asked him. 'Did you still love me while you were banging her?'. And he said 'Yes. Very much'. Now, that for me if just awful. To me it feels like he is the kind of man who feels that he can love someone but has no problem banging other people? He says he loves me now, would he still be able to bang other people now? I told him my thoughts and he just got very angry, said I had to stop making him feel bad and then slept on the couch last night. This morning he told me I was not to speak to him and if I do he won't listen. I can't believe this is the same person I saw a whole future with not too long ago...
AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Hi all, I'm back. For those of you who kind of know my story, I'm back in therapy since Monday. Did lots of crying and I think I'll be needing plenty more sessions before I'll start to feel marginally better. Honestly, I feel depressed and angry (is that possible?) every single day, and I just can't take it anymore. Anyway, my therapist told me that my (ex) probably didn't love me anymore at the time that he started seeing the other woman and sleeping with her. Which to me felt like: on one hand, ok if you don't love someone you probably don't feel any guilt if you sleep with someone else, on the other hand: what kind of person can just fall out of love with you and then fall back in love with you two weeks later? So yesterday I asked him. 'Did you still love me while you were banging her?'. And he said 'Yes. Very much'. Now, that for me if just awful. To me it feels like he is the kind of man who feels that he can love someone but has no problem banging other people? He says he loves me now, would he still be able to bang other people now? I told him my thoughts and he just got very angry, said I had to stop making him feel bad and then slept on the couch last night. This morning he told me I was not to speak to him and if I do he won't listen. I can't believe this is the same person I saw a whole future with not too long ago... I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. I'm a little perplexed that your counselor was trying to "guess" at what your WH was feeling at any time - unless your WH was in the session to answer for himself? That seems a little odd to me that he/she would attempt to answer to how he felt, maybe that's just me. I can understand why you feel that him loving you and yet sleeping with someone else is contradictory. Fact is, we can love more than one person at a time. My guess is though, that he had maybe "lost sight" of his love for you in some ways. Ie He had a comfort and attachment love with you and had lost (as in you both had lost sight of, no blame) the intense sexual/emotional connection love with you. I understand that this is pretty common over time for many couples, and I'm not sure if it pertains to your situation or not. I'm glad that you are in IC, and I hope that you find it helpful and enlightening. And I hope that your husband (if you continue to want to reconcile) can answer some of these questions for you openly and honestly and without becoming defensive. Although, I believe that this is why reconciliation is so difficult for so many - bc it puts the entire relationship at a total imbalance, and it's hard to keep it solid in that environment. Good luck, and I'm sending you healing thoughts in the hopes that you soon find peace.
Sauron Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I am a MM man with a wife and a lover and have been married 30 plus years. I love them both in different ways. I actually love all the women in my life, from the past and in the ones that may come in the future. Your husband probably does love you very much. As a man, we can have sex with a different woman and still feel love for our wife, ok I can anyway. I will say that if my wife would have tried harder in the sex and physical fitness department I probably wouldn't be stepping outside as much. I did discover however that I can maintain happiness in my life and feel love for more than one partner. I would say he is telling you the truth. Good luck to you.
Spark1111 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Hi all, I'm back. For those of you who kind of know my story, I'm back in therapy since Monday. Did lots of crying and I think I'll be needing plenty more sessions before I'll start to feel marginally better. Honestly, I feel depressed and angry (is that possible?) every single day, and I just can't take it anymore. Anyway, my therapist told me that my (ex) probably didn't love me anymore at the time that he started seeing the other woman and sleeping with her. Which to me felt like: on one hand, ok if you don't love someone you probably don't feel any guilt if you sleep with someone else, on the other hand: what kind of person can just fall out of love with you and then fall back in love with you two weeks later? So yesterday I asked him. 'Did you still love me while you were banging her?'. And he said 'Yes. Very much'. Now, that for me if just awful. To me it feels like he is the kind of man who feels that he can love someone but has no problem banging other people? He says he loves me now, would he still be able to bang other people now? I told him my thoughts and he just got very angry, said I had to stop making him feel bad and then slept on the couch last night. This morning he told me I was not to speak to him and if I do he won't listen. I can't believe this is the same person I saw a whole future with not too long ago... Well, if he won't listen to the pain he caused you....that is pretty damn selfish, no? These are often the same men who are appalled and devastated when their spouse, that they think of as not sexual, go out and find someone new to meet their physical and emotional needs. Nordic, obviously some people can compartmentalize sex outside of marriage and not have it affect their feelings of love for their spouse. BUT, if he truly loves you he has to develop empathy for the pain his indiscretions have caused you. Notice how he got angry and refused to talk about it? The best defense is a good offense, isn't it? Ask him how he would feel if you did it? Would it bother him if you were to still love him, yet have sex with another man for some fun? Would that hurt him? And, if he still can't talk about it, tell him that until you feel you can respect him again, the future of your marriage remains unknown. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Meant gently...I think you need to go back and reread your last thread. His level of defensiveness is not going to work. You need to put your foot down about what YOU need to heal from this and stop accepting unacceptable behavior. 1
GLDheart Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 ... I told him my thoughts and he just got very angry, said I had to stop making him feel bad and then slept on the couch last night. This morning he told me I was not to speak to him and if I do he won't listen... He's an emotional bully and a jerk. 1
Furious Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Hi all, I'm back. For those of you who kind of know my story, I'm back in therapy since Monday. Did lots of crying and I think I'll be needing plenty more sessions before I'll start to feel marginally better. Honestly, I feel depressed and angry (is that possible?) every single day, and I just can't take it anymore. Anyway, my therapist told me that my (ex) probably didn't love me anymore at the time that he started seeing the other woman and sleeping with her. Which to me felt like: on one hand, ok if you don't love someone you probably don't feel any guilt if you sleep with someone else, on the other hand: what kind of person can just fall out of love with you and then fall back in love with you two weeks later? So yesterday I asked him. 'Did you still love me while you were banging her?'. And he said 'Yes. Very much'. Now, that for me if just awful. To me it feels like he is the kind of man who feels that he can love someone but has no problem banging other people? He says he loves me now, would he still be able to bang other people now? I told him my thoughts and he just got very angry, said I had to stop making him feel bad and then slept on the couch last night. This morning he told me I was not to speak to him and if I do he won't listen. I can't believe this is the same person I saw a whole future with not too long ago... If I'm not mistaken you're not married but in a long term relationship. From what you're going through you seem to be struggling with the issue of trust, more so than just the fact he slept with someone else but claims to have always loved you. He sounds very immature and his actions speak louder than words. You seem grounded, you are clear in your words and actions, and are not a hypocrite. Why are you, someone who seems to have so much going for yourself wrapped up in his dysfunction. He has shown you, as much as he protests, who he is. People like him are toxic and only bring heartache. You know the answer to your own doubts, just listen to that voice in your head that is begging you to listen. 1
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