Oh_Sorry Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I’m a rookie to this website. However, I’ve been observing these boards for a little while now, along with some other online forum boards. I personally like the intelligence level of responses that I’ve read on this forum and am hoping that some of the more intelligent responders could provide some insight on my situation. This is a long-read so those with attention deficit disorder may want to skip it. Let me preface this by stating that I am a very feminine 33 year old who loves to paint her nails, change her hair color, wear makeup, and put on heels. I do of course enjoy the more rugged things like camping and overnight hiking in the mountains. I guess what I am saying is that men seem to have zero complaints liking what being a woman affords me, as well as liking the fact that I can play with the men in the dirt. The problem is: I’ve been single for the last three years! I can’t tell if it’s me that is doing something wrong, or if it my career that is off putting, or if it is a combination of both. Please help me decipher what is happening. I have a great social circle with a mix of singles and married. Not to sound overly confident but men approach me a lot when out in restaurants, or even walking across a parking lot. I have no problems engaging in conversation with random strangers at a cashier till or an entrance hall as I am an extrovert myself. I have an active offline life with various sports and social functions that I attend regularly. I also have created an online dating profile to broaden my chances of meeting someone amazing to me. I receive a plethora of messages from men on this site (more on this later). I’ve had five serious relationships in my lifespan so commitment is not my issue. My last long term, serious relationship ended only because I moved countries and would not subject my significant other from putting his life on hold to follow my career. His passion was foreign aid and third world development. Prior to him, I seriously dated a military man who flew jets. Prior to the Fighter Pilot, I seriously dated a Military police officer (seriously representing years). Relationships never faltered because of ‘fighting, cheating, changing as a person, lack of sex, or what have you’. It was always a divergent career path that separated us and there was never any baggage or spilt blood (no pun intended). As detailed above, I don’t really see myself as the ‘problem child’ here. I seem to be doing all the right things and am placing myself in all the right areas to meet my future other half. However, what I am about to write may bring things into better context. My career -- not just a job -- is overly demanding, highly stressful, but truly rewarding. I work in law enforcement at the National level. In order to even be accepted into this job I had to obtain a Masters Degree and be willing to undergo constant on-the-job upgrading that sees me scooting off for days at a time. P.S. I’m not talking little ticket items such as traffic tickets, or court hearings. I’m talking things that many of you folks are lucky to not have to witness *routinely* (Separated pieces of bodies, child abuse and molestation cases, homicide after domestic rape/assault, international organized crime with torture elements, and the usual psychopaths/sociopaths that make you puke are just a few examples). Due to these awful things and their faces never leaving you, I will admit that a little bit of the job has worn off on me over the years. What was one a naïve little girl, is an overly analytical and highly observant woman. I’ve become fluent in the behavioural sciences so to speak. Consequently, dating has become very tough for me as of late. Not only do I have the, unfortunate, very harsh stereo-type that is attached to this career choice (Google it and the negative press is exorbitant), but I have an astute ability to read through the written word & body language of the men I date. I thought that if I created an OLD profile that I could meet people who didn’t know what field of work I was in and they’d meet me without a preconceived notion of ‘the law enforcement personality’. Bottom line: I was able to ‘omit’ this section of my life until I felt comfortable enough to divulge it (usually after several dates when they were happily hooked) …. Now, this seemed like a fantastic choice but hurt me in the end. Often the men that I had casually dated 4-5 times had really liked me and some even sought for exclusivity. Sadly, many had opened up to me and I’d come to realize that they disrespected the law and dis-valued the lives of fellow human beings (often via drinking and driving). In my line of work, I have to follow the law and those I choose to associate with must as well. Inadvertently any man that I choose to be with is policed involuntarily by *loving* me. Otherwise, it is an expectation that I do not associate with them any longer because then I would be condoning an Act that is illegal. On the flip side, I tried the opposite and directly stated that I worked in law-enforcement from the get go. I received a lot of ‘jack arse’ responses from men about wanting to be … *fill in the blank*. I received some really nice responses from some guys that I actually went to meet and found really appealing. Unfortunately, this is where the behavioural sciences kicked in. I knew when the guy across from me was BS’ing because he saw me as some sort of conquest/challenge (Koodo's for trying. Next!). I could also tell when the guy across was legit, but slightly uncomfortable because he wasn’t sure if something he did in his past constituted violating the law. When I did finally meet someone that ‘clicked’ with me it ended up going south “because he didn’t fully understand the realities of my career.” We dated for only three months and he was in a front-line responder type position himself in another career field!! Unfortunately, he became angered that I would choose to work the 18 hour day for 2 solid weeks instead of spend time with him. The entire “when you like someone you make the time argument” was thrown in my face. It really bothered him in the end. He just couldn’t get why I wasn’t focusing everything to developing our relationship. My reality is that even though I couldn't tell him what I was working on, you can bet that examples like a child’s murder and closure for heartbroken parents will pretty much always take precedence over me seeing his penis (sorry to be so crass). Bottom line: It appears that telling a man about my career choice has led to ‘fading,’ ‘poofing,’ ‘running,’ or ‘change of heart.’ I’ve read many ‘desired traits’ threads by men regarding women they want to date: Intelligent, successful, self-sustaining, ambitious, career orientated, not a #5 clinger, funny, active, easy-going, and no drama. In my opinion, I don’t see myself missing any of these traits –if it makes a difference I’ve never been married and I also don’t have any children from a prior relationship either (although engaged once -- way too young). So I am now turning to you – the wide open internet -- what is it that is stopping me from having a serious (non-fling, non-FWB, non-PUA, non-Oneitus, et cetera) relationship with a man between the age of 28 to 45? *remember I am looking for future spouse and children, hence suggested age bracket. I would love to know what I can be doing to bring me greater success. Any other females in law enforcement who have tried to date outside their employment circle who could shed light? Not men -- we know there are a lot of uniform chasers so its not the same (spare my eyes the futile attempt at rationalizing how they 'are' the same). Thanks for taking the time to read this and providing your input. I look forward to many more forum topics.
Pyro Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 From the sounds of it your career is number one priority, which I can respect but I can see why dating is difficult for you. Not many will like being with someone who has such a demanding career that takes up a majority of your time. You aren't SOL but it will be more challenging for you to find a guy who is OK with that.
Recommended Posts