Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 First time poster. I am currently seeing a girl in work. Only very recently. The issue is, she has a boyfriend of a number of years. And she lives with him. Now I know she is actively seeking a new place and she has told me her relationship is over and that she will break up as soon as she gets a new place. How should I play this? I see her everyday and nobody else has any idea. Would message or speak most days but I am uncomfortable. We have been out in social settings a few times and I have commented about how difficult the situation is for me ie you have a boyfriend you live with and you have zero commitment to me. Also recently we were out on a work night and there was a friend of her friend who was making serious advances. Yet I could not do anything as work have no idea and also I have no say really as after all I am not her boyfriend. Now she did not return his advances and she reassured me later. But I am finding the whole situation difficult and I feel I am occasionally drifting into Appearing desperate. I am impatient by nature anyway. Any thoughts?
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Welcome to LS. Many experienced and helpful folks here. Is your goal fun & casual or looking for serious life partner potential? Are you sexually active w her?
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 hi Balzac. i would be looking for partner potential with her. And yes we have been sexually active
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Lots of factors to consider. I would set a time limit or time parameter for her physical exit to her own place. It's way more complicated though because she's cheating on him with you.
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 How long is reasonable in that scenario. I agree with the fact she is cheating with me. But I also know the boyfriend has done a lot worse in the past. How frequently should I be interacting with her? I have been generally asking her out once over weekends but I do not want to be appearing needy/desperate. Do I appear to be doing anything unreasonable here??
amaysngrace Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I would take two steps back. And make her catch up to you. In other words, draw back a little. Don't text or reach out to her. Make plans that don't include her. And make her come to you. If she knows you're waiting on the sideline she will be more likely to do nothing about her current situation. So don't be waiting on the sideline. 1
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Hi Amaysngrace. I agree with what you are saying. Although it really goes against my nature! I do see her a bit as a result of work however. If I transfer what you are saying to my situation, you think I should talk to her as normal if I see her in work but no texts or invitations to meet up etc yes?
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Also, last week she had said we can do dinner next week. I agreed. Taking on board what you said, you would leave it to her to bring this up yes?
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 You really shouldn't get too emotionally invested with this situation. You have to remember that this is her current BF, not her ex yet. They are still engaged in a relationship, every time she is with you she is doing it out of resentment and sort of revenge for what she has been put through. It's not as clear cut as she's done and moving on from him...If she's dealt with a lot of crap with him from the past then she's the kind of girl that doesn't walk away easily. In the end she wants him to be the BF she always wanted him to be, she would ideally likely want him to fix it...you're just kind of a distraction and side emotional thing, possibly even to make him jealous or put him through what she has, or because he's already doing it openly and she doesn't want to be alone in her misery. The fact is, there's a lot more to this regardless of the exact situation...I can't guess the exact details, but the apple doesn't far from the tree...these situations pan out just like hundreds of millions of other relationships out in the world, they're no different or special. Invested yourself emotionally into this would just be a foolish idea...empty promises of the future is ridiculous to believe in IMO. It's just an idea, even If she plans it out and sets a time-limit then that would be a small sign of intent but really It's going to come down to her moving out and moving on, and you think she's going to missing you or this guy...who does she have this history with? When women go through crap with men, instead of seeing that as more a reason to walk away they actually see it as more of a reason to stay because their investment. Women don't like to walk away from all the crap they went through to win the man over, and she clearly failed because he wasn't on the same page with her or honest. Anyway, for you, you need to take a step back and detach from this situation...If you don't want none, then there won't be none...in terms of drama, make it simple for you and your life, or play with fire and be apart of this rollercoaster ride that is her life...but unless she's pining over you, expressing her love then don't expect any miracles, don't be naive and think she's really done with this guy...people always tend to go back and don't seem to get tired of the drama...you have to realize, she's probably drawn to the drama, she may not even know what to do with herself in a stable relationship, she's likely has a history and pattern of this. So do yourself a favor and talk yourself out of this...or just keep her as a FWB and enjoy her company and time with her, but keep dating and your options open, definitely don't put all your eggs in one basket, and IF you feel you are becoming too attached and caring and believing and sympathizing with all her sad stories...you're going to find yourself in trouble, I can almost guarantee it. But hey, maybe you'll be extremely lucky and she'll be other this guy!...but honestly, I can't say that to you with a straight face.
amaysngrace Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Also, last week she had said we can do dinner next week. I agreed. Taking on board what you said, you would leave it to her to bring this up yes? Yes. Don't even think about dinner right now. Wait for her to bring it up. And at work be friendly, say hello, but be cool about everything. Don't go into anything too personal with her. Just a simple "hi. how are you?" I know it sounds like a game, which it somewhat is, but it's your best shot at getting her to wake up out of her situation and get you to live your life in the meantime.
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks guys. Your post struck a lot of chords Ninjainpajamas. I definately am getting emotionally attached but I am going to try to detach from the situation as you have all said. It's made more difficult by the fact that I see her every day. But after all if she is seriously interested, ill hear from her right?
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 The whole situation is very frustrating. Ill post an update at some point. Hopefully more positive
amaysngrace Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 The whole situation is very frustrating. Ill post an update at some point. Hopefully more positive I hate to point out the obvious but you did bring this upon yourself. So you know for next time. But for now just back off a bit. It's your best chance for this working in your favor.
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 I know I brought it on myself alright. Haven't made things easy on myself but that's the situation I'm in now. Thanks for all your comments
rrc6680 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Yes, I would back off immediately. It sounds like you are being used. She may not mean to do it, but that's what it looks like. If things go bad you're going to get hurt by her. If she gets hurt its not going to be by you, it's going to be by her bf. It's also very likely she will get back together with him and forget about you. In both instances your pain won't even register on her radar. It's selfish but true. If you back out you could find yourself happily with her in the future, when she does break up and move out. Also, make sure you're not a rebound. Let her get over him. It's better for you if she breaks up with him and not the other way around. However, I've had the displeasure of being used as a rebound by the girl that did the break up. She needed to "forget" all of the emotional trauma from her previous relationship. That stung like a b***, but she never even flinched. It just turns into a transfer of misery. Let her do the healing, not you. Edited October 3, 2012 by rrc6680
threebyfate Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 1. Why would you be willing to help someone cheat? 2. Have you ever heard of an exit affair where people use others to help them emotionally bridge out of an existing relationship since they're not strong enough to do it on their own? 3. Is she waiting for you to offer her a place to live? These are all leading questions where honest answers to these questions will lead you to a more emotionally healthy place. 1
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I totally agree with everything you guys are saying. Being honest, I can't believe I allowed myself to get into the situation. On another note I was in touch with her today and basically said you need to sort out your situation if anything is ever to happen again. Guess what happened then? I never got any response! Not sure what to make of that but I wasn't overly impressed.
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Interesting post threebyfate. Had not heard of a bridging affair. I do not believe she is looking for me to offer her a place to live and it was never my intention to help her willingly cheat. Obviously there is an inherent contradiction but I know what you mean.
amaysngrace Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Okay not sure that I want to know the answer but when you said you were in touch with her you mean she contacted you, right?
Divasu Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Of course it is a complex situation. You knew so from the beginning, she was taken. Yes these things happen all the time, but the minute I'd hear someone is taken, it's hands off. On another note I was in touch with her today and basically said you need to sort out your situation if anything is ever to happen again. Ah, a dollar short and a day late.
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Amaysngrace, I guess you don't want to hear the answer. Answer is she didn't contact me. I still have not heard anything. Not impressed so I'm writing it off altogether. The bigger issue here is that I work with this girl. I'm going to have to keep relations in work strictly business. There is always a social element to my job and a small bit of that every day where I would see her and there would be a group chat re small talk etc. I intend to avoid that temporarily which is not something seen as odd. The fact she hasn't responded means I guess a) she is freaking out b) she has had a change of heart c) she isn't bothered enough d) she can't contact (unlikely). So any of those are bad news for me. If I didn't see this girl so often, this whole situation would not be so difficult or affect me so Much.
Author Mysteryhopeful Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Let me ask one final question, would you guys cut contact completely now? Or would you try and probe what's wrong from her side at the moment? I am being given very different views by friends on this
lilbittie Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 I was in a similar situation before except the guy was married. We worked together and started talking to each other. Once I found out he was married I tried to back off. To my surprised he was going through a divorce and could not move out for financial reasons. He assured me that his marriage was over, yada yada and we wanted to be with me. Fast forward, 3 months. He moved out and rented a basement apartment from a friend of his. So, find out her reason for not leaving the guy. You need to go with your gut instinct on this. If you feel she is serious about you and has every intention with a plan to move out by any means continue. If your gut tells you otherwise, leave her alone.
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