loveydove Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I think it will help me to get these feelings out, and whoever listens, just thank you so much. I posted alot on LoveShack when I first went through my breakup about 8 months ago. It was a 6 year relationship, and he broke it off with me, so it was understandably devastating and still at times is very hard for me. I know we all say it, but I had loved him since I was seventeen. I had my heart set on him, he was the one for me in my eyes, and starting over seemed impossible. About 4 months later, I randomly met a friend of my best friend. I thought nothing much of him, but over time, through social media sites, he kind of caught my attention. He was very persistent and came on very strong with me. He has this magnetic personality, and I didn't think he was my type - he is not very attractive and all tatted up - but fast forward to now, I couldn't want him more. He was so focused on winning me over and getting to know me...I found it incredibly charming. We bonded over the breakups we had recently gone through. He assured me he was ready to date, I said let's just hang out as friends. We made plans to hang out for my birthday when I got back to where we both live. He rushed in to see me, and even though it was only the second time we had ever hung out, he acted very boyfriendly. Which I didn't expect or necessarily want, but when I saw it, it won me over. He made me laugh, got along with all of my friends, and I just thought wow, it is going to be so nice getting to know him and hanging out with him, and maybe even going on a date (since he is always asking). He kissed me out of nowhere and it was fireworks. Finally! After this terrible time in my life something good is happening! I was so excited. Well...I never heard from him the next day. Or the day after that...he texted me something random and was acting strange. I told him hot and cold doesn't fly with me, we could be friends and it would be fine. I tried to stay in touch with him a bit. A text or two here or there. Once we ended up sexting...that was interesting. And then one night I asked what he was up to and things blew up. He wanted to see me right away, and every night after that for a while, but it was clear it was a sexual thing. (never should have sexted). When we finally hung out he made a comment about kissing me, and I said last time he kissed me he freaked out and shut down. He said he shut down because he didn't want to mislead me. He is very attracted to me, but is not ready for anything serious. ?? I didn't know where this came from, since I hadn't even verbally agreed to a date with him yet, even though HE was the one always asking! I said that was fine and we could still hang out. Which we did, and for the first time in my life kind of explored the whole friends with benefits situation...I didn't like it. Not at all. It happened about 5 days ago and I have hardly heard from him since. He is crazy. I know he is crazy. He does drugs sometimes, and is a mess with women. And in my head I knew this...knew he wasn't going to be the guy I married. But for the first time ever, I really wanted a fun rebound. And I've slowly realized...I really like him. Or it is the want what you can't have thing. It drives me crazy that I didn't "blow him away" like I think he was hoping. Why? I am a catch...I mean, I know I am. But why does this keep happening. I'm just so disappointed, and I wish we could start over, and we can't. But I really like him and I can't stop thinking about it. So now it's like I'm doubly hurting. hurting over the man I loved, and the man I like. I never like the guys who really want to date me. I only like this guy...why. He is amazing, and amazingly complicated. And I can't shake it. Why do men blow so hot and cold? And how can I better protect my poor heart in the future? thanks guys
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Truth, he prob met someone else. At least for me when I stop perusing a woman is when I am involved with someone else. Fortunately he did you a favor. Although it might not seem like it now, being involved with someone who does drugs and is a mess with women is not the best of things. Time will only protect your heart better. I know, not what you wanted to hear. You're hurting over your last love, in my opinion your heart is weak, wounds haven't healed enough. Getting attached and feeling wanted are much more comforting in this state. You said it yourself "not attractive at all, not my type, and I knew he wasn't some I was going to marry", but the affection and interest he showed you is hard to resist when your heart is soft. You'll end up falling in love with the attention instead of the person. My advice, for what it's worth. Take a step back next time to decide if he is your type, you are attracted to him, and if he's marriage material (no drugs or other fundamental flaws). If not stop it before it goes anywhere, before your heart is affected. 1
River Rain Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Well, one thing you learned is that you're not into casual rebounding right? You got attached to the guy. I know it hurts, I'm still hurting from my ex. But keep meeting people, always take a chance. The heart is so resilient. The more risks you take with your heart, the higher the chance of getting hurt, but guarding yourself too much isn't good either. I'm in that stage where I'm pushing myself to meet new people so that I don't fall back into isolation and depression over my ex. And yeah...a guy who does drugs, that's a big red flag for the future. Think about what you learned from your experience with this guy so that you don't make the same mistakes in the future. 2
Author loveydove Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Yes...I am not a casual rebounder, no siree. Hey atleast I figured something out. Thanks for your advice...I want to close up and never let anyone in, but if I like someone, I can't help it and I take that chance. I hope the heart is resilient. Mine feels a bit slow on the uptake. He does do drugs recreationally, and I am practically the D.A.R.E. poster child, I've never done anything. But he is this really amazing person. I've never met anyone like him, perhaps that is why I am so hung up. I guess it is good to know that there are other people I can be attracted to. I just hope the universe throws me a something good next time. ugh dating is so hard. so very very hard.
leoc1973 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Its like this. I recently met 2 women on the same day. One brunette one blonde. I am more attracted to brunettes the brunette is hotter, she is just sexier, sweeter more fun and more talkative. We can be on the phone for hours. The blonde is still very pretty, not too bright and there are tons of the uncomfortable silences. She actually seems like she may be a little stuck on herself. Ok so the brunette is all about me. She tells me she has never met anyone like me, I am the perfect man, She even talks about how our kids would look. There is no doubt this girl is into me. the blonde doesn't return calls or messages till the next day. We have been on 4 dates and she hasn't even really made out with me. Yes she's fun while we are together but when we aren't she just seems generally uninterested. The brunette after the first date has made out with me and after we were together sent me nude pics and told me of all the things she wants to do to me. Anyways the brunette is the better pick on every level. Name it on paper she beats the blonde in every way. BUT! For some reason I cannot stop thinking about the blonde. My phone beeps and I find myself hoping its the blonde. I am still hurting from a horrible breakup a little bit too. But I have that feeling that if I can have that blonde every thing will be ok. Why? Because she is playing hard to get. Or maybe isn't as into me as I hope. This is exactly what is going on with you. You want him because you aren't quite sure if you can have him. Its all about mystery. So I am going to tell you exactly what is going on. He read a book or googled how to get the girl he wants. He is so into you that he is playing a game just to get you. I did it. I googled how to get the girl you like and ya know what it seems to work. Every time I pull away from that blonde a little bit the texts start coming in. The calls and her even asking me out. So you can have him if you want because he wants you so bad that he is going through the game to make sure he gets you. Oh and in those relationship advice things it even tells ya to talk dirty to a girl but then pull away to make her fantasize. Do you really want an ugly drug addict just because he knows how to play the game? Knowing you can have him if you want. Think if you really do. And pull away a little bit and I guarantee he chases again. Trust me! 1
River Rain Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Yes...I am not a casual rebounder, no siree. Hey atleast I figured something out. Thanks for your advice...I want to close up and never let anyone in, but if I like someone, I can't help it and I take that chance. I hope the heart is resilient. Mine feels a bit slow on the uptake. He does do drugs recreationally, and I am practically the D.A.R.E. poster child, I've never done anything. But he is this really amazing person. I've never met anyone like him, perhaps that is why I am so hung up. I guess it is good to know that there are other people I can be attracted to. I just hope the universe throws me a something good next time. ugh dating is so hard. so very very hard. My heart is still battered, but I can't go on without the hope of finding love again you know? I know it'll happen, it may take some time and more heartache, but I'm willing to accept that if it leads me to true love. Sounds like a fairy tale a little, but that's really how I feel. I never want to give up. 1
KatZee Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Ok so the brunette is all about me. She tells me she has never met anyone like me, I am the perfect man, She even talks about how our kids would look. There is no doubt this girl is into me. Anyways the brunette is the better pick on every level. Name it on paper she beats the blonde in every way. BUT! For some reason I cannot stop thinking about the blonde. My phone beeps and I find myself hoping its the blonde. I am still hurting from a horrible breakup a little bit too. But I have that feeling that if I can have that blonde every thing will be ok. Why? Because she is playing hard to get. Or maybe isn't as into me as I hope. This is exactly what is going on with you. You want him because you aren't quite sure if you can have him. Its all about mystery. I think you need to read the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl. It describes guys like you to a T. You have a perfect girl right in your face. Hot, sexy, intelligent, funny, she has a personality, you have great connection, she wants you, wants full commitment. Then you have the girl who couldn't care any less. She's vapid, although good looking. She hasn't expressed any interest in you, she's dull, she can't hold a conversation to save her life, and she's your stereotypical "dumb blonde." Anyone who was looking for a serious relationship would pick the brunette. YOU on the other hand, are still hurting from a serious relationship. You're picking up your pieces. Deep down, despite all your looking around, you are NOT ready for a relationship. Right now you are emotionally unavailable. The funny thing about being emotionally unavailable is that those who are currently in this phase, choose OTHER emotionally unavailable people to be attracted and interested in. The blonde. She's not expressing any emotional availability to you, at all. And that's what you're going for. The girl who IS available, for reasons you cannot comprehend, are turning you off and pushing you away. I don't think it has to do with being "a mystery." Unavailable, seeks unavailability. Lets for experimentation sake, ask this: If blonde girl suddenly became everything the brunette is, would you date her? 1
CptSaveAho Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Its like this. I recently met 2 women on the same day. One brunette one blonde. I am more attracted to brunettes the brunette is hotter, she is just sexier, sweeter more fun and more talkative. We can be on the phone for hours. The blonde is still very pretty, not too bright and there are tons of the uncomfortable silences. She actually seems like she may be a little stuck on herself. Ok so the brunette is all about me. She tells me she has never met anyone like me, I am the perfect man, She even talks about how our kids would look. There is no doubt this girl is into me. the blonde doesn't return calls or messages till the next day. We have been on 4 dates and she hasn't even really made out with me. Yes she's fun while we are together but when we aren't she just seems generally uninterested. The brunette after the first date has made out with me and after we were together sent me nude pics and told me of all the things she wants to do to me. Anyways the brunette is the better pick on every level. Name it on paper she beats the blonde in every way. BUT! For some reason I cannot stop thinking about the blonde. My phone beeps and I find myself hoping its the blonde. I am still hurting from a horrible breakup a little bit too. But I have that feeling that if I can have that blonde every thing will be ok. Why? Because she is playing hard to get. Or maybe isn't as into me as I hope. This is exactly what is going on with you. You want him because you aren't quite sure if you can have him. Its all about mystery. So I am going to tell you exactly what is going on. He read a book or googled how to get the girl he wants. He is so into you that he is playing a game just to get you. I did it. I googled how to get the girl you like and ya know what it seems to work. Every time I pull away from that blonde a little bit the texts start coming in. The calls and her even asking me out. So you can have him if you want because he wants you so bad that he is going through the game to make sure he gets you. Oh and in those relationship advice things it even tells ya to talk dirty to a girl but then pull away to make her fantasize. Do you really want an ugly drug addict just because he knows how to play the game? Knowing you can have him if you want. Think if you really do. And pull away a little bit and I guarantee he chases again. Trust me! WTF? I lost 10 iq points reading this post... This is the WORST advice ive ever read... a girl sends you a naked pic and you chase the one not interested in you... lets teach people how not to be happy in life 1
KatZee Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 WTF? I lost 10 iq points reading this post... This is the WORST advice ive ever read... a girl sends you a naked pic and you chase the one not interested in you... lets teach people how not to be happy in life Read my above post. Once you read this book and see the mentality and reasoning behind it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He's not available to be in a healthy relationship, hence why he choose the one who's not even interested in a relationship with him.
CptSaveAho Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Read my above post. Once you read this book and see the mentality and reasoning behind it, it actually makes a lot of sense. He's not available to be in a healthy relationship, hence why he choose the one who's not even interested in a relationship with him. ........................................yup
Author loveydove Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I do think there is truth to wanting what you can't have. I googled, too, and found that if someone pursues you strongly and then drops off of the face of the earth, is inspires a strong reaction in the person left behind. They suddenly feel strongly for that person, and that is what happened to me. Why? I feel like my hormones play a big part of it, too. But to be honest, I am in a similar situation! I have one guy who has this magnetism, is super talented, the life of the party, but not a good idea for the longterm, and he is all I want. I have another guy who is much more reserved, thoughtful, unsure of himself when it comes to flirting with me because he doesn't want to make a mistake, is stable and ready to settle down and I barely think of him at all. I barely remember to answer his text messages, all I want is to hear from the bad boy...? Maybe I am actually emotionally unavailable, and still healing, so I am seeking someone equally unavailable??
robaday Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 haha, your so right. Ive dropped three great girls who were perfect relationship material, to go for the crazy girls who were amazing in the sack but horrifically emotional. I tried to change the latter, while the relationship matrial girls tried to change me.........such is life
Author loveydove Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 exactly! It's been a week, and I haven't contacted him. And today I FINALLY started feeling like ok, this is fine. Like, it's not going to happen. I agreed to a date with someone else, and guess who texts me?
Author loveydove Posted October 7, 2012 Author Posted October 7, 2012 And again he texts me now that he knows I'm not sitting around waiting for him...guys especially want what they can't have I think.
utterer of lies Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 He is crazy. Not really, his actions are very calculated. You are not good enough to be a girlfriend, but he would like to have you as a f•ck buddy. His intentions are clear, he was open about them, the situation is clear, there's nothing to be confused about.
Author loveydove Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Well, thank you that's very nice. He is crazy - he is all over the place. I wasn't only referring to his situation in regards to me. He is unstable and impulsive and unpredictable and I guess that's one of the attractive factors about a bad boy in some weird way. He says one thing one minute and another the next. I just don't understand why he would decide in one night that I'm not girl friend material. Hence, my post. I'm not an idiot, I am aware that he is seeking FWB with me, and have decided I can't do it. I am vulnerable right now and trying to understand why this happened. I don't know how else to say this, but I thought I was a little out of his league, so I never expected this. The whole emotionally unavailable concept makes sense to me. I think it is true, and whether it is or not, it atleast makes me feel better and less rejected. That night we had so much fun, got along so well. Any other guy would have asked me out again, I'm sure of it. You know when you just click with someone? But the next time I saw him, he said he can tell right away if he wants to be someone's boyfriend and I think that is ridiculous. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years, why would one hang out with me make him get over her and want to be official right away? It's crazy to me. What are you doing on here anyway? Everyone here is hurting, we don't need negative energy from the negative energy plane. We beat ourselves up enough.
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