LosinginLove Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 My fiance, after 9yrs together, dropped a bomb on me last week. We'd been having issues for abt a month. A few weeks ago we had an argument and he moved out of our apt to go back home to his family. He basically abandoned me in our apt and left me to fend for myself. He knows that I am financially dependent so, I can't afford to maintain our apt plus all my other bills. I have been forced to move out and crash on a friends couch. He told me that he has no intention of ever coming back to our home so he thinks it's a good idea for me to leave anyway. During the time he was gone, he completely ignored me. Didn't answer my calls/txts. I had to literally hunt him down at his job in order to talk to him. This went on for abt 3wks. Finally, we spoke and he said he wanted to separate. He doesn't want to break up. He said breaking up means that there is no possibility for us to get back together & that's not what he wants. He said he still loves me, is in love with me and can see us continuing on with our future plans together (wedding, kids etc). He basically wants to separate to work on his "issues". He said he doesn't want to see other ppl and he wouldn't want me to see other ppl. He put our engagement on hold but told me not to wait for him. He said he didn't know how long the separation would last but he doesn't think it will last more than 6 months. I told him that if I had to move out of our home then for me, the relationship was over. I don't think he's taking me seriously. I have already convinced myself that the relationship is over while he, on the other hand, is just "separated" from me. I really don't want to live my life wondering if or when he will come back to me although he did say he will come back to me. I'm really confused because I don't understand how you can be engaged to someone, abandon them, tell them you love them and want to be with them then continue to say you want to separate for a while and after you worked on yourself, come back to the relationship. I have already begun to remove my possessions from our apt. I will be gone at the end of the week. He has things in the apt that he said he will come for. I will leave his ring and the keys on the mantle. I really don't know what has become of our relationship. I never wanted things to end but I feel as if he forced me into that decision. I'm not sure what he expects to happen after he decides he wants to continue with our relationship. How do you pick up the pieces after an ordeal like this? Are we suppose to start dating again? What will happen with our engagement? He said he will find someplace else for us to live but it just doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure where his thoughts are but they seem to be all over the place. Does he seriously think we can just pick up where we left off? Someone please offer any advice.
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I'm sorry but how is it that his name was not on the lease? After 9 years it's very odd that you had no means to remain in your apt for at the minimum 60 days. Sell the ring and move on.
Author LosinginLove Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Our apt is in a 4 family house. The house is owned by my fiance and his siblings. His siblings live in the other apts in the house. He basically doesn't want any further ties to the house. He wants to remove his name from the deed and give all responsibility to his siblings. He told me he's not gonna pay our portion of the mortgage bcuz he no longer wants to live in the house. So, I have to pay the mortage or leave. I have been financially dependent on him since we moved into the house (shame on me). So, I have to come up with the mortgage money or move out. Since I'm on a fixed income, I can't afford to stay. They will find a tenant to make up the difference once I leave.
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Heartless to say the least. It seems there is more to the story. The guy sounds psychogically unstable. Looking back do you or family see red flags?
Author LosinginLove Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Honestly, there is more. This all happened at the end of August. We had just come back from vacation. The week after we got back we got into an argument. The argument started when I said I'd been feeling like he was emotionally disconnected from our relationship. It literally went from 0 to 100 in no time. He ended the argument by saying i'm always the one playing the victim but he felt like the true victim. He said that everyone is always taking advantage of him and that's it was time for him to start considering himself for once. He asked for space and that's when he packed up a few of his things and went to his parents house. Later, after we finally spoke, approx 3/4 wks after he left, he said that he mostly had an issue with our relationship. He said I'd been making him feel as if he wasn't good enough for me and that I force him to choose btw me and his family. He also said he was just tired of dealing with everyone. Including his family. He has always been pressured into doing for others instead of taking care of himself. He held his emotions in for so long and when he reached his breaking point he literally exploded.
Author LosinginLove Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) There were no red flags. This seemed to happen overnight. One minute we were planning our wedding for next June and the next minute we were "separating". I didn't see this coming at all. When I told my family they were just as shocked as I was. I have known this man for 15yrs. We have exclusively been together for 9 of those yrs. It's unbelievable how all this unfolded in such a short amount of time. Edited October 3, 2012 by LosinginLove
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 No personal boundaries on his side and gave too much. Does his family have economic fallout from this? Sounds like a nightmare for you. How shocking and tragic.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 There were no red flags. This seemed to happen overnight. One minute we were planning our wedding for next June and the next minute we were "separating". I didn't see this coming at all. When I told my family they were just as shocked as I was. I have known this man for 15yrs. We have exclusively been together for 9 of those yrs. It's unbelievable how all this unfolded in such a short amount of time. That may have happened overnight for you, but without any big outside influence you can be sure he's been harboring this for a long time. Sounds to me like he buckled under the pressure and is the kind of guy that isn't good at expressing himself and either conforms or runs away from things, moreso just conforms or goes along with it. I think the marriage was just another big situation where he was making all the decisions for the wrong reasons...you wanted to get married, his family likely pressured him and he felt obligated to, he doesn't like the type of guy who was brave enough to stand up to people or admit how he really felt so he just reacted with a major outburst because of all the penned up resentment and confinement he felt. To move out and leave your Fiance hanging to fend for herself, going as far as wanting his name off the deed, saying he'll never go back is not an overnight kind of reaction...that's pretty huge and has devastating consequences, to me it just sounds like he wants you to do him the favor now and leave him...he's basically laid out the red carpet for you. The problem is whatever the reason is you don't see it or want to accept/believe it, so I'm not sure how much help you'll be to yourself or anyone else in understanding this situation, for you this was just all of a sudden...I'm not sure how one can believe that as IF one spark lit off an atomic bomb. Sounds to me like communication was very much lacking in this relationship, at least on his part and how he felt and what he really wanted. I wouldn't believe he's coming back, I mean he basically cut you off...what do you think six months is going to achieve? he probably thinks he can clear his head and come back ready for another round, but realistically I just think he's buying himself time so that If you don't walk away then he can figure out a reason to cut off this situation without trying to break your heart....make it more about him than his feelings for you...but I mean to me his actions speak louder than any words, and even future actions...It's just pretty much inexcusable, he pulled the plug to me, and he'd only come back out of guilt IMO...so it's up to you If you want to be waiting with open arms, If you decide that's good enough for you...If it is I'd look in the mirror and ask why it is though first.
CC12 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) He said that everyone is always taking advantage of him and that's it was time for him to start considering himself for once. That's fine if he wants to do that, but he can't leave loose ends like he did and string you along throughout. He's being really unfair to you. Being selfish is not always a bad thing, but it is very bad when your selfishness screws other people over. I mean, he was like, "We're not breaking up. We're 'separating,' which is different somehow. I don't know how long it will take so don't wait for me, but I don't want you to date anyone else in the meantime. Also, I'm going to dump this apartment on you that you can't afford. I don't really care if you have to move out of there or where you'll live instead, but when I decide that I'm done with this separation, then you'll totally just get back together with me and live with me. No probs." It's really weird and messed up how he's going about this. It's like you don't matter, and you won't have any feelings about this. How is he so sure that you'll stick around and wait for him? Are you normally a little doormat-ish with him? If I were you I'd tell him, "Look, I'm not going along with this. I'm not going to wait around pretending to be someone's girlfriend when that someone will have next to nothing to do with me. I'm either your girlfriend/fiancee/partner, or I'm single and moving on. You've left me confused, you abandoned me, and you left me high and dry. It's really unfair and I'm not going to wait around to see what might or might not happen." I'm typically not a fan of ultimatums, but this really is a ****-or-get-off-the-pot situation. Honestly, it sounds like he's done with you, but he's too big of a coward to just break it off completely, for whatever reason. So you should do it for him. He probably won't fight it too much, and if he does fight it, then maybe there's hope for your relationship (if you want it.) Edit, because I obviously did not say enough yet: If his sudden freakout had been a recent thing, my advice would be different. I would have said to give him some time to cool off, like a few days. But he left a month ago. He's had enough time to come to terms with his decision. Edited October 3, 2012 by CC12
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 There were no red flags. This seemed to happen overnight. One minute we were planning our wedding for next June and the next minute we were "separating". I didn't see this coming at all. When I told my family they were just as shocked as I was. I have known this man for 15yrs. We have exclusively been together for 9 of those yrs. It's unbelievable how all this unfolded in such a short amount of time. Hate to say it, but is it possible there's someone else? The way he's been treating you isn't very nice. So many years together and this is how he handles an argument? He bails and leaves you like this? He sounds like a man-child! How is this going to be fixed if he is ignoring your calls and texts, won't speak to you? To separate does nothing except fuel your pain and anger. He needs to shi.t or get off the pot, be a man. Right now he's acting like a spoiled brat, running away from problems..
GuyInLimbo Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 How do you pick up the pieces after an ordeal like this? You don't. You move on and realize he wasn't the one for you. Even if you go through with the marriage, how do you ever forget something like this? You'll always be left wondering when the other bomb will drop on you. 1
Author LosinginLove Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 @Ninjainpajamas…you’re right about the communication issue. It has always been a problem for him to communicate, not only in our relationship but in life in general. He’s the type of guy that can’t say no. He’ll agree to something to make others happy even though what he’s agreeing to doesn’t make him happy. He definitely did buckle under pressure. I now see that this wasn’t an overnight thing for him but rather a bunch of built up emotions that he wasn’t able to control anymore and let them loose. In this process, he hurt the person that meant the most to him. @CC12…No. I have never been and will never be doormatish with him. I really don’t know what he’s anticipating for our future. It seems as if he believes that things will fall back into place but for me that isn’t the case. I have already considered us broken up. I’m moving forward with my life. I have already told him this but he doesn’t want the relationship to end. I refuse to just sit around and wait for him. I did give him an ultimatum. I told him he’ll either be with me or not with me. The choice was his. He flat out said “I want to be with you. I want to work on our relationship because you’re my future. I wouldn’t be happy without you. I love you and I’m still in love with you but, I just need some space.” This is what confuses me. He has been so back and forth this whole time. His words just don’t match his actions. @whichwayisup…I really don’t have a reason to believe there is anyone else. He seriously is acting like a man-child. I never wanted to separate. I’ve told him that I think a separation will make things worse which is why I have chosen to see our current status as a break up and not a “separation”. Ppl have been asking me about him and I’ve just been saying “we broke up.” On the other hand, he’s telling ppl we’re “separted.”
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